Posts Tagged: Knife Crime

Knifecrime Island Puncturists Now Working Family Celebrations

"Knife crime has to be discouraged, and the only way it can be discouraged is if people know if they carry knives, and are caught carrying knives in a public place, they will be sentenced to a term of imprisonment. For an unknown reason you took the knife used for cutting the christening cake and hid it in your sock. Having been set upon by others you produced the knife and inflicted extremely serious injuries on your cousin. You weren't intending to inflict those injuries on your cousin, but you were intending to inflict injuries on those you saw as attacking you." -Judge Guy Whitburn sentences Karl Thompson of South [...]


Knifey Brits Slacking Off

Are the inhabitants of Knifecrime Island beginning to renounce their stabby ways? The latest figures from the British Crime Survey show a 7% drop in overall crime in 2009. Also: "Violent crime, burglary and robbery all fell last year. Only sexual offences showed an increase, rising by 2 per cent to 53,239. The level of gun and knife crime also fell, including a 21 per cent drop in fatal stabbings." Bicycle thefts are apparently up, but that is cold comfort to those of us who admire the nation's fondness for the dagger and the alacrity with which they wield it. Maybe it just means doctors are getting better [...]


'90s Sitcom Star Blames Britain's Knifey Ways On Decolonization, Jedward

"Of course they all go about with knives because it's exciting. Horrifying! I think they're bored stiff. Nobody's said, ‘Hey boys, I want you lot in my ship now, we're off to have a really immense adventure.' In the old days, because of Empire, our young men were always going out to do something. And now they're not. And now we've got those same boiling boys and we expect them to sit and watch X Factor! Are we mad?" -Ab Fab star/Gurkha advocate Joanna Lumley explains how Knifecrime Island got that way.


Britain Made Entirely Out Of Knives

When London hosts the Olympics in 2012, athletes at the highest level of their sports will be competing in a stadium constructed out of recycled knives and guns. And this is not a new thing for Knifecrime Island: Recycled weaponry is frequently "melted down and used in the structures of bridges and buildings, as well as in car and train production" and also winds up in photo frames and jewelry. Even the very crown that rests upon the monarch's head was made from old Robbins of Dudley push daggers. Prince Charles is PART SWITCHBLADE. They like knives, is what I'm saying.


Britons Encouraged To Give Up Nation's Favorite Activity

Knifecrime Island's "It Doesn't Have To Happen" campaign-aimed at reducing the number of, yes, knife crimes-is launching a new round of advertisements in hopes of convincing Britain's stabby youth to leave their knives at home when they hit the town. Also, "a music video called Don't Shank Just Skank, featuring members of the taskforce and artists including Donaeo, Rollin' G, and DJ Luck and MC Neat, aims to spread the anti-knife message through music and dance." The BBC helpfully explains that "the track is based on the dance craze skank and the slang term for knife, shank." I'm not a huge skank fan (the dance craze, obvs, not [...]


London Borough Celebrates Return of Giant Knife

A fancy sword that had been stolen from council offices in London's Borough of Bromley escaped the fate of so many knives on Knifecrime Island-being melted down and turned into stadiums-when authorities realized it was too special to be any old blade. The sword, which had been "handed in during the Met's knife crime Operation Blunt campaign in February last year along with hundreds of other knives," will hopefully spend the rest of its days hanging on a wall somewhere as a tribute to Britain's love of knifery.


Even Older Britons Cannot Resist The Allure Of The Blade

"She was practically at the top of the stairs, I got the shock of my life because she had a ski mask on and a knife in her hand, the blade was about three inches, I was just in total shock. She tried to disguise her voice and said 'give me your money.' The next thing I knew she had pushed me down the stairs. She pushed me pretty hard, I just stotted off the wall, I don't know how I didn't flake out altogether. She went into the living room then and that was when I shouted up the stairs 'Doris, I know its you.'" -70-year-old Jeanette Hetherington testifies [...]


"That's Not A Knifecrime Island"

The colonies strike back, as stabby Prison Islanders show that they will not be outclassed by their former wardens: "ROBBERIES at knifepoint have soared almost 50 per cent in Victoria over the past five years, while possession of knives and other weapons are up a quarter in the same period…. Melbourne saw at least seven knife attacks between Friday and Sunday, while The Alfred hospital this week said it had treated 24 stabbing admissions in the past fortnight."


Jersey Mayhem: Knife-Happy Road Rager Busted In Mall Parking Lot

Apart from certain MTV-related mishegas, it's been a relatively mayhem-free week in New Jersey. But there is this: "Police: Ocean Township man threatened motorist with knife for driving too slow." From the Asbury Park Press: "According to police, [a 19-year-old] pulled alongside a 2009 Hyundai he had initially been unable to pass and threatened the car passenger with a knife. The driver of the car, a 23-year-old woman from Howell, called police as she drove into the parking lot of the Seaview Mall." When you think about it, this story is really a classic example of Jersey mayhem.


Knifecrime Island Advice Columnist Advocates Stabby Solution To Heartbreak

"I'd suggest going out on a rampage with the boys, getting on the booze and smashing anything that moves. Then, when some bird falls for you, you can turn the tables and break her heart. Of course, the other option is to cut your ex's face, and then no one will want her." -Actor/celebrity advice columnist Danny Dyer advises a reader of Britain's Zoo magazine on how to get over a recent breakup. Dyer claims he was misquoted, and the magazine blames "an extremely regrettable production error," but, come on, this is Britain. It seems like pretty standard counsel.


Knifecrime Island's Libel Laws Will Remain Unchanged Until Election

Britain, the world's favorite spot for libel tourism (and knife crime), will remain the arena of choice for those who wish to silence the free expression of information (and those who commit crime with knives) until a new government is formed after next month's elections. It is unclear whether a Conservative government will show the same commitment to libel law reform that the Labour government came extremely late to, but one thing is certain: There will be plenty of knife crime no matter what.


Knifecrime Island Braces For Cutting-Edge American Blade Technology

To Britain, where the penchant for stabbing is about to get a whole lot more exciting due to those innovative chaps from across the pond: "Senior police officers have been warned to look out for a new knife which can inject a ball of compressed gas into its victim that instantly freezes internal organs. The 'wasp knife', which can deliver a ball of compressed gas capable of killing its victim at the press of a button, may be heading for Britain, the Metropolitan Police fear. A needle in the tip of the blade shoots out the frozen ball of gas which instantly balloons to the size of a basketball, [...]


Knifecrime Island To Become Prison Island

The minimum sentence for murders committed with knives in Britain is set to rise from 15 to 25 years, ensuring that pretty much everyone in Britain will be spending a quarter century in jail fairly soon.