Sunday, March 7th, 2010
167

Actually Liveblogging The Oscars Part 2: House Of Blog And Sand

Now this is happening too!Alex Balk (9:20): Welcome to the second section of our liveblogging extravaganza. It is brought to you by Awl publisher David Cho's belief that by offering an empty commenting area we will somehow maximize pageviews. For our earlier coverage of tonight's astounding ceremony, please go here. Now that this unpleasantness is out of the way, let us continue.

AB (9:20): John Hughes: still dead.

AB (9:21): Clearly, all the actors who showed up for the John Hughes tribute were not exactly like, "I need to check my schedule for that night."

AB (9:22): Not only does your heart die when you get older, your face bloats, your skin sags, your hair goes gray, and you play second banana to Charlie Sheen on some inexplicably popular ABC sitcom.

AB (9:23): When you think "the year's most heartwarming animated feature, a movie which sent adults into paroxysms of tears even though it was ostensibly a children's film," you totally think Samuel L. Jackson, right?

AB (9:25): This is completely unrelated to anything, but for various reasons that I will not go into here, I saw Big this morning for the first time in 20 or so years. And you know what? It is actually still a pretty great movie! Except the very end, where you're like, oh, wait, Elizabeth Perkins has been fucking a 13-year-old all this time? Kind of creepy! Anyway, more Oscars now!

AB (9:28): Carey Mulligan could totally win an Oscar in Young Judi Dench.

AB (9:30): I can go smoke now, right? I mean, who gives a shit about short films, besides Helen Mirren's husband?

AB (9:31): I did NOT see Logorama winning. Nor did I see Logorama.

AB (9:33): Clearly, if you make a short documentary, it's a good idea to call it "The Last [Something]"

AB (9:34): Best short documentary guy just got Kanye'd by his own producer? Or something. VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!

AB (9:38): Ben Stiller is a national treasure. And a good example of why the Jews and the Irish should not be allowed to breed.

AB (9:39): I bet James Cameron's next wife is in the audience right now.

AB (9:40): Makeup? You guys are on your own.

AB (9:43): Is a backwards beret some kind of Bizarro-world gang thing?

AB (9:44): While they are running the Serious Man montage can I say how excited I am for True Grit? If you have not read anything by Charles Portis I highly recommend you open a new window right now and buy one of his books. My favorite is Dog of the South, but, really, you can't go wrong with any of them.

AB (9:50): Come on In The Loop.

AB (9:50): Oooh, Reitman is getting NOTHING.

AB (9:51): And now I am nostalgic for "I love you more than rainbows, baby."

AB (9:54): This year's Governor's Award recipients video is sort of like watching a trailer to next year's Parade of the Dead, right?

AB (9:56): I can't wait for Mo'Nique's speech!

AB (10:00): You know what? Good for her!

AB (10:01): Um, Mo'nique was kind of the perfect example of what a great acceptance speech should be. Much appreciated. And now, Cho.

DC (10:02): I'm really into Carey Mulligan now, seriously, how adorable is she? And I think I support her dating of Shia Lebouf!

DC (10:03): So, in case you were looking for even MORE haha's, here are some good Twitterers to follow: Mary HK Choi (obvs) and Max Silvestri

DC (10:06): I only found out earlier this year that Sigourney Weaver and Susan Sarandon were two different people. In retrospect, that was really stupid.

DC (10:07): ABADAH!!!! (Do people remember that? Sooo good.)

DC (10:08): What is with the mics picking up every single whisper? It sounds like LOST seasons 1 and 2 when the Others were running around the forest?

DC (10:08): Is this the most heartfelt and emotionally compelling design speech of all time? That guy seemed like a really nice person.

DC (10:10): Man, remember when Tom Ford said he was going to direct movies after leaving Gucci and everyone was like, "Yeah, sure…" and now he's like, doing it? Good for him. Also, I really don't understand how Sarah Jessica Parker is regarded as attractive? Am I wrong, or was it one of those "best of what's around" sort of things from the early '90's?

DC (10:11): "Well I already have two of these…" WHAT A BITCH! Also, for someone who won for costume design, she sure doesn't know how to dress herself. I'm not a fashion expert, but I'm pretty sure SEQUINED SHINY BERET ISN'T THAT ATTRACTIVE LOOKING ON ANYONE.

DC (10:12): Uh, Charlize Theron's boobs are accentuated by flowers, and I am completely down with that.

DC (10:13): OOOOOOOOOH, AN iPAD COMMERCIAL!!! (I guess? Or something?)

DC (10:15): Sidebar-ish: Is it kind of a bummer to people who haven't seen the all of movies that these little featurettes showing the big nominees are, in a large part, super spoiler-y?

DC (10:17): Has there ever been a funny Paranormal Activity spoof? I feel like I've seen at least six and not really been entertained by any of them.

DC (10:18): DAMN, KRISTEN STEWART IS LOOKING GOOD. WHY IS THE BACKGROUND MUSIC STILL PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND THOUGH? WAIT, IT WAS ON PURPOSE?

DC (10:20): I can't believe they have so many unnecessarily long montage things and yet the Oscar people still insisted on not letting that nice looking old guy, who looked like the old guy from UP, who won for best short whatever give a thank you speech.

DC (10:21): Well that was a sort of square peg into a round hole type thing by fitting Twilight into the horror film montage.

DC (10:22): That whole horror montage was whatever the watching equivalent of tl;dr is.

DC (10:23): Man, how was the Dark Knight not nominated for Best Picture last year? It was so awesome.

DC (10:25): Best Sound Editing goes to the Hurt Locker. I seriously cannot get over how hot Kathryn Bigelow is. Why did James Cameron ever let her go? I definitely back this dude and his Asian wife and his deciding to look like the henchman from The Davinci Code look.

DC (10:34): OOPS, the site kind of wonked out for a second. Which is unfortunate because I have LOTS of thoughts on John Travolta and the ABC show V!

DC (10:36): Sandra Bullock annoys me – ESPECIALLY her "jokes". You know who doesn't annoy me though? Katie Baker who is now handling the liveblog!

Katie Baker (10:37): Oh god, here comes the Parade of the Dead. JAMES TAYLOR. Wish it were "Sweet Baby James." Goodnight you moonlight ladies, indeed. While we're waiting, a question: Kristen Stewart's raspy-voiced excuse, I presume, is that she LOVES TO SMOKE THE WEED. What say you, Demi?

KB (10:40): Roy E. Disney totally got name-recognition clapping. Both Michael Jackson and Natasha Richardson — predicted final applause candidates — got sandwiched in the middle, and ultimately kind of … no one got the "prime" posish?

KB (10:45): Some sundry items while randoms dance ethnically on my screen. (What is this, the Canadian closing ceremonies?)

I have figured out what Sarah Jessica Parker's dress best resembles and the answer is this: these decorative jewel-encrusted shower curtain hangers.

Perhaps you, like me, looked at Sigourney Weaver and were like now wait just one minizzle, hasn't she worn that dress before? And the answer is yes, and also yes. By which I mean: this dress in green is what originally came to mind, but it turns out she's also gone to the red one-shoulder well before. Check out this spectacular clip from the 1989 Golden Globes in which PHYLLIS NEFLER AND PHIL COLLINS present her with the award for Best Supporting Actress in Working Girl.

"Well, this is one for bad girls, I guess," she said on stage. Talk about bad girls: check out that saucy sideboob!

KB (10:51): I know I'm way late at this, but speaking as the child of a Mary Kay "saleswoman" I have to point out that the only horror story component in Edward Scissorhands is whenever Dianne Wiest trilled "Aaaavon caaaallllllling!"

KB (10:53): The Oscar for Best Original Score goes to Michael Giacchino for "Up." Aw, words of (probably non-) wisdom from him: "If you want to be creative, get out there and do it. It's not a waste of time. DO IT."

Oh yeah and the Oscar for Visual Effects goes to Avatar, natch.

KB (11:01): Twitter is telling us that Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur were missing from the March of the Deaduins. I'm too lazy to rewind to fact-check, which I guess was probably the Oscar video putter-togethers' problem too.

KB (11:06): An earlier-received IM:

Friend: Who the heck is Tyler Perry
Friend: I thought it was a girl
Friend: That person is in everything though

KB (11:08): And the Oscar for editing goes to: the most delightfully awkward couple of all time. "…and, uh, my wife." Hey, better job under pressure than Hilary Swank!

KB (11:12): I think we're transitioning to a new post now, which sounds like something George Clooney would say to you over webcam because yeah, admit it, you are basically the Stephanie Voorhees of your office, aren't you?

DC (11:19): PART THREE FOUND HERE.

167 Comments / Post A Comment

maebefunke (#154)

Just in time for the John Hughes cryfest. Buehler overkill! Oh wait, is it insensitive to use the word "kill" in a comment about a dead person?

The overly sensitive will bury you for that.

Maevemealone (#968)

OMG I was not expecting to cry during the Oscars!

petejayhawk (#1,249)

OMG I was not expecting to hear Spandau Ballet during the Oscars!

Did anyone catch what was said during that "accidental open mike" moment as the John Hughes tribute-payers walked off the stage?

"That wasn't supposed to happen" …?

itskristina (#1,779)

I heard a mumble then "…that was uncomfortable"

brianvan (#149)

Well, he did die kinda young.

cherrispryte (#444)

JOHN HUGHES DIED?!?!?!

NinetyNine (#98)

Was the Hughes tribute part of the And Now They're Dead montage? Plz update with the winner of the montage (when it happens).

maebefunke (#154)

TEAM PATRICK SWAYZE

Alex Balk (#4)

It is called "The Parade Of The Dead." Get your Oscar (TM) terminology right!

NinetyNine (#98)

Aw man, that is it. A friend use to starting tracking in August. I totally fell of the wagon. But I will fire up the bat signal to see if there's not like some Martin Landau character.

Unless Michael Jackson counts as an actor. Tricky!

David Cho (#3)

Carey Mulligan got insanely hotter by talking outloud and having a British accent.

And Balk gave up a hotness point by confessing to watching "Big" in favor of gnawing off his arm. Neither created nor destroyed, as they say.

Big is a classic.
A CLASSIC!

vaporware (#3,907)

Ok, finished shaving my legs-miss much?

BILLY MAYS HERE FOR "DON'T YOU, FORGET ABOUT ME"

Oy! The extended-feature things tonight are boring, boring, BORING.

Schmerkin is my porn name.

Best Animated Short winner apologizes for his accent.

Apology rejected.

David Cho (#3)

BON SOIR

@Balk: Carey Mulligan WISHES.

David Cho (#3)

MULLIGAN >>>>>> DENCH

In terms of just straight up hotness.

Aww, but when she was just a wee lass?
Mulligan is… awkward.
(Accent notwithstanding!)

David Cho (#3)

IDK Dench from back then. :(

A CLASSIC. BEAUTY.

(On the other hand, this

…actually looks a lot like Carey!)

David Cho (#3)

EH, still team Carey. She actually reminds me of a more angular Michelle Williams, if you see that at all.

I CAN see that, actually.
I think they're all of them among the breed of girls that can look really amazing in the right circumstances but can also look really awkward at times. (So, good for acting, right?)

HiredGoons (#603)

MORE RED-HEADS IN PURPLE!?

cherrispryte (#444)

Wait, is that not allowed? My, um, friend wants to know?

HiredGoons (#603)

It's a little Jokeresque.

oudemia (#177)

In ye olden times there were apparently "rules" about what colors redheads should avoid, and purple was like Rule One. Red was Rule Two. What is kind of awesome is that all the "avoid" colors for redheads make up the bulk of the wardrobe for Joan on Mad Men.

BoHan (#29)

Wow kids, you have become the second-tier Gawker crowd. It's a good show and get over yourselves. Go watch Big Love season finale if it's so awful.

ae38 (#1,097)

Bad like tragic-train-wreck or just typical over-the-top-wtf-is-going-on bad?

Abe Sauer (#148)

Jesus, John Lasseter has become his Cars franchise huh. A Cars Hawaiian shirt?

Maevemealone (#968)

Was that Prudence thing a stage crash!?

Katie Baker (#2,378)

What material is this lady's coatshawldrapery made out of? I hereby request it in many colors.

brianvan (#149)

Crazy person on stage alert

cherrispryte (#444)

And how!

hockeymom (#143)

what was that?

Years from now, after the Na'vi Dictionary comes out, superfans will have a touchstone for calling things lame.

maebefunke (#154)

Wait I thought Il Divo was a boy band?

brianvan (#149)

Maybe making Eric Bana look NORMAL should have won an Oscar for makeup.

Oh, beret guy.

cinetrix (#47)

The young rabbi in A Serious Man looks like Krucoff.

Did I start a meme?

You know what this broadcast is missing? Live music performances. Song-and-dance numbers.

Now I see why they usually have those during these award shows — without them, the whole thing gets really boring and hard to endure.

Pop Socket (#187)

You are a sick, sick man. I still have nightmares over Rob Lowe dancing with Snow White.

jolie (#16)

Okay sorry CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE CRAZY LADY? Matt & I are still stupidly stuck on her.

I'm calling it right now: This is the most boring Oscar show I've ever seen.

And I've been watching them for a long time now.

Maevemealone (#968)

WHY exactly does Precious have to have the full blah de blah treatment of "Based on novel by Sapphire"?

You know what "Precious" was adapted from? The novel "Push" by Sapphire.

Not many people know that. It's one of those little obscure facts.

Steve Martin brings it!

Can they just have the whole thing be Steve? It'd be so much better that way.

vaporware (#3,907)

I am so looking forward to the new Spike Lee film-a live action version of Shrek…starring Mo'Nique.

In fact, I recommend you open a new window right now
-and jump

Holy shit, Latifah looks TINY!

(Also, :( for In the Loop, Balk. :( )

(I mean, not like Keira Knightley "tiny" or anything. But DAMN GOOD. Is alls I'm sayin'.)

cherrispryte (#444)

Costume designer acceptance speech lady is sort of a bitch.

cherrispryte (#444)

WHOA did not mean to reply here!

She looked kind of awesome, though, eh?

cherrispryte (#444)

Oh, definitely.

sixlocal (#296)

Does anybody actually think Robin Williams is funny?

Not since he stopped doing coke.
FACT.

Needs more Bardem!

HiredGoons (#603)

Apply liberally.

Maggie Gyllenhaal's performance made Maggie Gyllenhaal cry as she watched it. Did you notice that?

cherrispryte (#444)

FUCK YEAH MONIQUE!

brianvan (#149)

Words I'd never thought I'd say: "Hold on, I want to hear Mo'nique's acceptance speech!"

Did I mention that Precious is based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire? Is everyone aware of that?

"An Education" was pretty good I thought. But Carey Mulligan was awesome. She stole the whole movie.

Abe Sauer (#148)

AARP: "When I grow up, I wanna… write a novel."

sixlocal (#296)

I want to: find love.

vaporware (#3,907)

It seems on the other side of this cesspool….

Nikki Finke is just not having a good night.

HiredGoons (#603)

Sigourney Weaver presenting? Is this an omen of a James Cameron win?

sixlocal (#296)

Imma let you finish but I shouldn't be alive today.

Ooh … he wasn't supposed to live. Now the orchestra can't cut him off when he talks too long — he played the "I was supposed to die" card!

My deck is all "I was supposed to die" cards.

hockeymom (#143)

I missed it for a phone call…who was the dead man talking?

This woman's won so many times she looks BORED.

I love it!

Maevemealone (#968)

She didn't fuss, hug or kiss anybody when she won. It was like, come collect your juror card, you're free to leave now. And she did. With cold hard style.

brianvan (#149)

Hey, remember when crazy bitches wore credit cards to the Oscars? That was awesome.

HiredGoons (#603)

Young Victoria FTcostumeW

phlox (#204)

What accent is that?
Is Tom Ford from Gayfagistan? Or what?

Really, I think "Bored Costume Lady" kind of encapsulated the spirit of the whole evening.

berthamason (#740)

I also started my career in whore.

Are they playing "Gimme Some Mo'" over the horror montage?

hockeymom (#143)

Kristen Stewart…bored, high, indifferent?
All of the above.

Was that a loogie she coughed back?

HiredGoons (#603)

She doesn't care, whatever.

Chucky? Really?

Abe Sauer (#148)

Marathon Man and Edward Scissorhands are "horror" movies?

HiredGoons (#603)

For studio executives, though for different reasons.

maebefunke (#154)

Cho is loving all the skinny young ladies* tonight.

*I had to restrain myself from typing "bitches."

phlox (#204)

Speaking of…Here's Zac Efron!

David Cho (#3)

I guess I have a type?

phlox (#204)

Taylor & Kristin's delivery was the scariest part of that. THEY ARE THE FUTURE OF FILM!

Abe Sauer (#148)

HEY. Where the fuck is Jack!?

LondonLee (#922)

Personally I'm glad we don't have to suffer him at the Oscars anymore, his smug grin just made me shout "go make a decent fucking movie again!"

phlox (#204)

Ha!
I thought you were summoning the spectre of Jack Ketch!

cherrispryte (#444)

Out of that entire horror movie montage, I've seen two of those movies (well, three if one of the shots of Frankenstein was actually from Young Frankenstein.) I feel like my membership card to humanity should be revoked.

Yeah, I had to do some Netflix-horror catch-up last year. It was worth it. You should, too.

sixlocal (#296)

It is nice to see Edgar Winter have a successful second career.

Hey, Edgar Winter won an award!

sixlocal (#296)

OMG.

JINX!!!!
(Mayhaps our incredible mindmeld is what broke the Awl there, for a second.)

HiredGoons (#603)

That horror-montage was very pleasing to watch stoned.

hockeymom (#143)

Who is this Elizabeth Banks person? She is the exact opposite of Kristen Stewart. That's a good thing.

Elizabeth Banks is super awesome

Clip Arthur (#2,024)

Hurt Locker got both sound categories! Against a 3d IMAX technically jerk-offy film like Avatar! Mark my words: Hurt Locker for the win!!! YES!!!!

Back to you, Marv.

hockeymom (#143)

No videotape for the best CINEMATOGRAPHY award? Wow.
Either screw up…or running late.

Open boldface tag!

We're all BOLD! Yay!

LondonLee (#922)

How does Avatar win for cinematography? Not thst I've seen it but isn't it all CGI? Shouldn't it win Best Use Of Photoshop instead.

This has been on for just over two hours, and it feels like it's been more like five, doesn't it?

Shut up, James Taylor.

Abe Sauer (#148)

SSSSSSTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP HIM!

hockeymom (#143)

James Taylor @ Oscars < Neil Young @ Olympics

Bold choice Bakes

We're all bold!

We're the bold ones!

oh thank god, I was ready to die of embarrassment at it being only me

HiredGoons (#603)

James Taylor kills me slowly.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Look, I know all that fancy "talent" doesn't like to think it does basically the same job as professional wrestlers, but could they have included Captain Lou Albano in the death race montage?

Pop Socket (#187)

Here's your damn musical number, Hippity.

I'm sorry I brought it up. Yeesh.

HiredGoons (#603)

When did this turn into the Tonys?

cherrispryte (#444)

WHY IS THERE BREAKDANCING?

cherrispryte (#444)

WHY IS THERE BREAKDANCING?

cherrispryte (#444)

Ugh. Accidental double post.

Alex Balk (#4)

I just thought you were SUPER-OFFENDED!

vaporware (#3,907)

When dead people promote more audience reaction than anything else within your show…
-that's a pretty strong clue to call it a night

Maevemealone (#968)

After the Summer of Death, that was a poor ass Death Parade. As is this Ali G interpretive dance montage.

Why are all of the Hurt Locker dancers a part of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER DOESN'T AGE!

Sigourney's look is totally inspired by her post-Zuul invasion wardrobe from Ghostbusters. Hey, when I find a silohuette that works…

Ahahahah I thought this guy said "When I was dying I asked my dad for a video camera" at first– which would have been a funny speech!

Abe Sauer (#148)

I bet if you filmed a night out with Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler it would make $100 million.

Alex Balk (#4)

The general consensus in this room was "That's gonna end in a rape."

Abe Sauer (#148)

$200 MILLION!

Abe Sauer (#148)

Dan Cortese and "Academy Awards" just got used together. Are you happy, 1991?

cherrispryte (#444)

Dammit. Um, everybody go see Burma VJ, even though it didn't win, please.

hockeymom (#143)

This is just the strangest Oscars ever.

HiredGoons (#603)

this.

Substitute "worst" for "strangest" and that sums up my impression.

"Text DOLPHIN to 44144"!

Abe Sauer (#148)

Tyler Perry has the perfect big guy tux.

cherrispryte (#444)

I wonder who designed it.

Heh. "Sam Raimi gave us our first cutting jobs."
INSIDERY!

brianvan (#149)

Sam Raimi gave me my first grip job.

And that's insidery in an entirely different (and even more disturbing) way!

Maevemealone (#968)

Catherine Bigelow had the perfectly smug smile of a woman sitting in front of her ex husband winning his awards.

Clip Arthur (#2,024)

So did Kathryn Bigelow!

Maevemealone (#968)

Her too! The wine bottle is empty, it can only get better now.

Clip Arthur (#2,024)

You're okay. I'd like to hug you in a non-sexual "you're okay" kinda way!

cherrispryte (#444)

Was that Martin Sheen doing a Hyundai commercial?

Abe Sauer (#148)

Probably. Anyway Jeff Bridges, who usually does them, has been banned by the academy.

hockeymom (#143)

I am frightened by the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars.

OK, this broadcast is supposed to be over in about 12 minutes, and so far we haven't yet seen:
- Best actor
- Best actress
- Best director
- Best picture

I think this thing is headed for a post-midnight wrap-up …

HiredGoons (#603)

The Academy needs to give James Cameron a reacharound and END THIS.

HiredGoons (#603)

Did Michelle Pfeiffer just call Jeff Bridges ugly?

Isn't 'lack of vanity' Hollywoodspeak for 'ugly'?

phlox (#204)

Who thought a pre-award homage was a good idea?

hockeymom (#143)

I don't think George Clooney's gf is good enough for him.
Just an observation.

hmm I wonder if "blockquotes" work here. Permit a quick test:

This should be quoted?

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