Sunday, March 7th, 2010
117

Actually Liveblogging The Oscars: There Will Be Blog

OSCARZZZZ THE GROUCHWelcome to The Awl's liveblogging of The Oscars! Can you feel the magic in the air? I can't emphasize how happy I am that we're doing this, doesn't it seem like there's not nearly enough coverage online of this wonderful celebration of cinema?

The way this will work is various Awl contributors, or possibly just myself and Katie Baker/Bakes, will rotate in 15-20 minute shifts, of live-blogging, while also responding, critiquing, and-most likely-praising, the person who came before us. It's also very possible that this system will completely breakdown and it will be a much more willy nilly affair that involves Katie and myself frantically trying to make Robert Pattinson jokes all night, so, get excited for that!

So starting now and until 8pm EST, THE BEGINNING OF THE OSCARS, Katie Baker/Bakes will be your liveblogging host with pre-show related stuff that I have not been watching because I don't watch E! Entertainment network!

Katie Baker: Whoa, Joan Rivers doesn't do the red carpet anymore! I guess I should have known this, but I did not. Ryan Seacrest is being Ryan Seacrest, his normal winky and overly-apologetic self. "I'm sorry, but I have to ask," he oft intones.

But he does make some good points. "She's kind of a like a chick … who is half a dude," he said to Ryan Reynolds by way of asking what it's like to work with Sandra Bullock, whose lipstick is the best I've seen since Michelle Williams that one time. My roommate had his own take. "Please tell me she's with him!" he delighted, recognizing Jesse James. "They've been together, like forever," I said. While I may have only seen 10% of the best picture nominees, I at least keep up appearance! I read tabloid mags on planes.

Having seen a little too many episodes of Say Yes To The Dress, I can't stop pointing at the screen and yelling "crumbcatcher neckline!" Which by the way: I found Vera Farmiga's jewel-toned Marchesa to be so perfect on a blond, although I'm sure her ruffles will rankle for some.

It seems like Amanda Seyfried and J-Lo were clad a little close for comfort? (Speaking of Amanda, she's quitting Big Love for a Leo-produced Little Red Riding Hood (?!) and she and Kristen Stewart both look like late-summer bridesmaids with their conspicuous tank top tans that battle strapless necklines.) America's Top Model's renowned Miss J, who looks like some silver Goldfinger sequel, has already proclaimed the latter the "Best Dress" of this year. Miss J and I do not agree.

George Clooney was just ambling around the grounds leaning into random microphones and babbling like he owns the estate. Which I mean, he kind of does.

Katie Baker (7:55 PM): Okay, Charlize Theron is wearing a giant rosebud bra attached to a dress. Miley Cyrus won't stop slumping, and she has the bikini tan lines too. Come on, Millenial Celebs! At least learn how to fill in via self tanner! You could learn a lot from Giuliana Rancic, whose orange glow is smooth and even. (She, by the way, goes in the annals of Women I Have Trouble Looking At Because I Can Make Out Their Skull Beneath Their Face, alongside Bethenny Frankel and Teri Hatcher. There oughta be a German word?)

Katie Baker (7:57 PM): Did anyone see earlier when Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard made a cutesy reference to "a stolen moment" this morning when they got to eat breakfast together, and then got super awkward and cagey when they were asked on what they dined? She was definitely licking whipped cream and maple syrup off of Peter's newly-bald head, right?

My bestie just IMed me to let me know: "My mom doesn't like Cameron Diaz because she thinks she's 'been around the block'."

Katie Baker (8:01 PM): It was really hard to navigate away from Johnny Weir on E! so I could watch Kathy Ireland on ABC.

Katie Baker (8:03 PM): Why did Jake and Reese break up? I took that one pretty hard. Hey, here's George again! I think I can see his date's lacy corset beneath her dress. He just openly praised the language barrier. I bet
he yells terrible things at her after too many bourbons and she just smiles and leans forward to adjust her cleavage.

Alex Balk (8:11): Hey, Balk here! When you think of the guy you want doing the red carpet shift, you think me, right? Well fuck you, I'm not happy about it either! Ooh, look, Matt Damon! And now old people!

Alex Balk (8:17): What's her name and that guy she is married to! They look much smaller than they do in the movies/on TV shows!

Alex Balk (8:20): I will recharge the woman in that commercial's elasticity, if you know what I mean.

Alex Balk (8:21): Just to be clear, I was NOT talking about Whoopi Goldberg.

Alex Balk (8:22): David Cho is concerned that I'm not being celebrity-oriented enough, so I do want to point out that HOLY SHIT THE ACCOUNTANTS FROM PRICE WATERHOUSE ARE HERE!

Alex Balk (8:22): Hey Tina Fey and Steve Carrell, if you're going to whore out your movie-and that's FINE, we know how these things work&emdashjust whore it out. Enough with the wide-eyed grins to show us that you know you're being whores. We know you know! Whores!

Alex Balk (8:24): I'll just put it right out there: I dig Jeff Bridges. Great actor, seems like a perfectly amiable guy. The fact that he did not win an Oscar for his greatest performance is a terrible joke. And yes, I mean "Starman."

Alex Balk (8:26): So are the mean girls in our nation's junior highs calling other girls "Precious" as an insult yet?

Alex Balk (8:28): And the red carpet part is over! I am getting the fuck out of here for now! Also, holy crap, THAT was Kathy Ireland? WTF? Anyway, I think Cho's up next! Enjoy!

David Cho (8:30): So I guess I'm doing this now? Full disclosure, when I told Alex to do 8:00-8:30, I thought that the show was starting at 8, so he would be doing opening and all of that good stuff. Clearly I was wrong and now I am doing this?

DC (8:31): Wait, it just starts? There's no dance number or something? OH MY GOD THE GIRL FROM 'PRECIOUS' IS SO SASSY!!!

DC (8:31): Could Neil Patrick Harris have done this stuff if Perez Hilton hadn't outed him? Right?

DC (8:34): True story, saw NPH in person once and the guy was insanely jacked. Ugh, I'm not liveblogging "like a 'mo" am I?

DC (8:35): Alec Baldwin's bowtie is really agressive. Why is it so huge? It's twice the size of Steve Martin's!

DC (8:37): Everyone is being really polite. This is not what the MTV Movie Awards are like.

DC (8:37): Didn't they already do a Meryl Streep section? Another one?

DC (8:38): That CAA joke is a little insider-y. AM I WATCHING ENTOURAGE OR SOMETHING???

DC (8:40): Damn, Katherine Bigalow looks great. What an attractive woman.

DC (8:41): GEORGE CLOONEY DID NOT LIKE THAT TOYOTA JOKE. OR THE OTHER ONES THEY'RE MAKING.

DC (8:41): I like that the close ups keep getting closer. And now they're getting further away, what is happening here??

DC (8:44): Oh, so this George Clooney thing is a bit. That's great. A stern face, how "funny."

DC (8:45): Wow, these clips are long. I've been sitting on this "and the best supporting actor goes to" post for two minutes.

DC (8:48): Best Supporting Actor Goes to Christoph Waltz. DEFINTELY deserved. He was great, great, in that. That being said, his speeches are always awesome. "Uber-bingo," weird metaphors about directions, but always so sincere and nice.

DC (8:50): Do they not have commercials for this show? Katie Baker is taking over now!

KB (8:52): The scrolling footnote that just invaded my screen is pretty great:

ABC7 AND CABLEVISION HAVE MADE SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS, AND HAVE REACHED AN AGREEMENT IN PRINCIPLE THAT RECOGNIZES THE FAIR VALUE OF ABC7, WITH DEAL POINTS THAT WE EXPECT TO FINALIZE WITH CABLEVISION. GIVEN THIS MOVEMENT, WE'RE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT ABC7 WILL RETURN TO CABLEVISION HOUSEHOLDS WHILE WE WORK TO COMPLETE OUR NEGOTIATIONS.

KB (8:53): Has anyone investigated yet whether Helen Mirren, Kathy Baker (no relation, although she and my mother share a name) and Mary Kay Place are secretly triplets? And if they are, admit this would make for a killer reality show on LMN.

KB (8:58): So far this production is kind of just whatever. The Steve Martin / Alec Baldwin lineup maybe feels as forced and "favors were called in" as The Marriage Ref did? I dunno, I just was hoping for behavior that skewed more inappropriate. Ha, Cameron Diaz is getting punished by the teleprompter for stealing Queen Sandra's lipstick hue.

OMG, I just looked up at the screen and there was an animated alligator that had the SAME VOICE as the most important animated alligator in all of film history:

KB (9:00): UPixar wins Best Animated Feature. I refuse to watch this movie because even reading a description of the opening montage makes me bawl with shoulder-heaving abandon.

KB (9:04): Someone that is not Jeff Bridges won something for Crazy Heart. OMG his name is T-Bone Burnat and what is going on, some dude just told his wife that he "loves [her] more than rainbows." David Cho just IM'd to say that the dude in sunglasses looks like a fat James Cameron. Sorry, I don't know what just happened.

I also don't know what this means, but it sounds smart. From my inbox: "Why does the director accept the award for best animated film but it's the producer for best picture? TACIT COMMENTARY ON AUTEUR THEORY, ACADEMY???" Discuss.

KB (9:10): Hows abouts we check in with Gavin McInnes? He has a lot to say about Meryl Streep!

Hey Meryl Streep, don't be so shocked by your popularity. The majority of the American population is as old as your old ass.
Meryl Streep is America's bran flakes.
-
Helen Mirren has TILFs: Tits I'd Like to Fuck
I'm Neil Patrick Harris and I'm a fagaholic.
What's gayer than "nude" hosiery?
-
If Meryl Streep dies, can I have her tits? My brother and I need sleeping bags.

KB (9:14): Already Over: Teleprompter-based humor.

KB (9:15): Oooh, hate for "any soldier with a webcam or cellphone." They're totes hating on bloggers!!!1!

And the winner for best original screenplay is: The Hurt Locker.

KB (9:18): I am being chastened for not knowing about T-Bone Burnatt. Here, knock yourselves out!

DC (9:20): Programming Note: The second part of the liveblog is happening in a new post!

117 Comments / Post A Comment

When I google'd Oscars all I got was an Odd Couple fan page :(

BoHan (#29)

Drops ice cube in jelly jar. Pours Mondavi. Takes an adderall. Let's go.

fek (#93)

Adderall at 7:45? That's sacrifice. Or an addiction. What, you don't get The Mondays or something?

Hey Foster, what was it like to finally have weekend off? Relaxing?

BoHan (#29)

It's not like I snorted it. That's for raves. Anyway, I'm easily distracted and this is a long night. And Hi FEK! Was great to meet you last month.

fek (#93)

In a word: Liberating.

phlox (#204)

Libation-erating, maybe? Hopefully.
Fuckin' commenters still
won't stop bugging you,though.

You guys sure you don't have Cablevision?

I'd try tuning in ABC just to be sure.

NinetyNine (#98)

Now this is happening.

BRING ON THE BAKES!

Whoa … prose-form live-blogging! I should have known that Katie would be an innovator in this genre!

maebefunke (#154)

Remember that time Gaby Sidibe fist-bumped Keanu Reeves and then said her dress was like porn? That was fun.

hockeymom (#143)

That almost made up for for Ryan Seacrest yelling at the photographers to pull out and get a "wide shot".

maebefunke (#154)

I noticed that too! Hollywood people dealing with plus-sized women is so painful/hilarious, it's like they're trying to understand aliens or something.

I like the "yells terrible things at her after too many bourbons" segue to Balk

not supposed to go here comment… my apologies

Abe Sauer (#148)

In the 1/2 hour lead in, they asked every actress what she was wearing except Gabby Sidibe. We've certainly put our eggs in the right basket emulating this crowd.

HiredGoons (#603)

TOM FORD DOES NOT TALK LIKE THAT.

hockeymom (#143)

George Clooney is still single so that means there's still time for us to get married and live happily ever after on our Italian estate. (the rest of my family can live in the guest house.)
True fact.

oudemia (#177)

But where will your children play hockey? Oh, I guess George can send them to Andover.

hockeymom (#143)

Who is this LAME woman on ABC? Is it Kathy Ireland?

hockeymom (#143)

OK…Katie has confirmed it's Ireland. This has the potential for trainwreck. She seems really wound up and slightly hysterical in her questions…hope someone calms her down during the break. Seriously.

rj77 (#210)

Well, she's tanned within an inch of her life. Lord knows what effect the chemicals are having on her brain. What's left of it.

Maggie broke out the Rit for her big night!

Fredrick (#268)

Watching famous people answer idiotic questions never gets any easier…

fek (#93)

/bold?

HiredGoons (#603)

Chris: Who's the woman in the prom corsage?

Anne: Vera Formega. When did she get attacked by an '80s banquet hall?

maebefunke (#154)

Balk! Say something sexist ASAP!

I think Balk taped his comments earlier

maebefunke (#154)

And yet they still managed to fulfill my request! I'm happy now.

hockeymom (#143)

Kind of loving the shape of the Lopez dress…not sure about the color, but she looks beautiful. Also, this new woman doing the interviews is actually more annoying that Kathy Ireland.

hockeymom (#143)

Awaiting Balk's reply on the Lopez dress, btw. You are here to talk fashion, right?

Anything but art!!!

Ern Malley (#3,733)

DO U LIKE MOVIES????

STOP TRYING TO MAKE JENNIFER LOPEZ HAPPEN

HiredGoons (#603)

srsly.

Is Kathy Ireland pregnant?
(Sorry, is it more or less offensive to ask whether she's pregnant, or whether she's the dumbest human being to ever appear on camera?)

maebefunke (#154)

Is it offensive that anytime I see even a tiny stomach bump I think "bitch shoulda worn more Spanx?"

hockeymom (#143)

She has a (slight) tummy, but she also has no hips. None at all.

Maybe it's just the dress?
I mean, I DO remember working out along to her workout videos! And she has never had hips OR a tummy!
(It's really just the superdumb thing I'm focusing on…)

Also, I kinda love Sherri Shepherd?
I'm not alone in this, right?

Fredrick (#268)

I feel like she could maybe be less obvious with her "okay, stop talking now; back to you Other Dude!"

Maevemealone (#968)

Why does she keep pushing people away before they finish answering her stupid questions?

Oh, I actually super appreciate that. Keeping shit moving!

hockeymom (#143)

I can't lie. I don't love her. But mainly I'm pissed that ABC couldn't find ONE red-carpet reporter who seems comfortable out there. There are people who do this for a living…they should have hired one of them for the evening.

Fredrick (#268)

They shoulda got Rupaul. Not a joke.

I guess maybe it was just that she actually DID sorta seem comfortable? For a red carpet interviewing person? Meh.

maebefunke (#154)

I'd like her more if she wasn't such a Republican.

HiredGoons (#603)

@Fredrick: Yes, RuPaul. So much this.

I would totes be on board for RuPaul.

(All of this is to say that I really think we need to see Balk interviewing folks on the red carpet. Yes? Yes.)

hockeymom (#143)

STAND UP STRAIGHT MILEY CYRUS!

Maevemealone (#968)

My guess: her dress is too small. If she stands up straight, her boobs will pop out.

Ohmygoodness, I have actually SHOUTED this at the teevee EVERY SINGLE TIME I've seen her! Ugh!
(Also, kids, lawn, et cetera.)

HiredGoons (#603)

SPEAKER: YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
CELEBRITY: THANK YOU.
SPEAKER: I COMPLIMENT YOUR RECENT ENDEAVOR.
CELEBRITY: THANK YOU.
SPEAKER: WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE AT THE OSCARS?
CELEBRITY: I LOVE BEING AT THE OSCARS.
SPEAKER: ISN'T BEING AT THE OSCARS GREAT?
CELEBRITY: IT IS.
SPEAKER: THANK YOU.
CELEBRITY: THANK YOU.

Fredrick (#268)

That's what I'm saying. It shouldn't be hard to watch each time, cuz it's all the same, BUT IT IS.

Fredrick (#268)

"THIS IS GAB-O-RAY CITY-BAY"

Alex Balk live-blogging!

This is some seriously cool shit happening right here, y'all.

HiredGoons (#603)

Um, Taylor Lautner looks REALLY good in a tux.

petejayhawk (#1,249)

That kid's got one funky-looking face.

kryz (#311)

He's 12 years old. I'M CALLING THE COPS ON YOU!

oudemia (#177)

AGREED, PJH! I may well be an old now, but boy is funny looking!

I wish Sandra still had the crazy hair.

I miss the Sandy Bullock crazy hair!

Wooooo! BRING ON CHO!

So there you have if folks – it's all about the actors.

Fuck you directors! Fuck you screenwriters! Actors own Hollywood!

Awwww, NPH!

Abe Sauer (#148)

Doogie Houser prison rape jokes!!!

"Why does the prisoner drop the soap?"

Hey, it's that hilarious rape joke again! Rape is so funny!!!

HiredGoons (#603)

Lauren: How did they get all the best actors to appear on stage together? I bet those contract negotiations we're a bunch of flaming hoops to jump through?

(Neil Patrick Harris appears onstage)

Chris: And there's the flaming hoop.

hockeymom (#143)

Steve Martin. Love him.

Maevemealone (#968)

He is actually aging! :(

Am I the only one that thinks Gabourey Sidibe looks like the Tazmanian Devil when he dresses in drag in order to catch Bugs Bunny?

*ducks*

HiredGoons (#603)

George Clooney is NOT HAVING IT.

maebefunke (#154)

How do we feel about Alec Baldwin's faux British accent?

Clooney looked pissed! Not playing along with the joke, no sir, not Georgie Boy!

hockeymom (#143)

Is Ryan Renolds doing his Brian Williams impression?

hockeymom (#143)

whoops…not here.

HiredGoons (#603)

They really should just have a new category: Best Nazi.

maebefunke (#154)

Best Expedition Journal as Oscar Acceptance Speech.

Oh look – a message to NY Cablevision viewers that they can't see!

Christoph Waltz sounds like Brüno.

brianvan (#149)

Annnnnd welcome Cablevision customers!

You know, with TEN best picture nominees, these little featurettes on each nominated film are going to get really tiresome in a big hurry tonight.

petejayhawk (#1,249)

HATE U SANDRA.

"…to talk about being nominated and what it means to them"??!!

Sigh. It's gonna be fun to spend the next 9 hours with you guys.
Really. FUN.

cherrispryte (#444)

I have resigned myself to watching the Oscars. You people better make it worthwhile.

I hate this.*

*Oscars, duh!

hockeymom (#143)

UP!!!!
Yay!

hockeymom (#143)

I am about to say something really nasty and catty.
Cameron Diaz has back fat.

maebefunke (#154)

So does J Lo. So do I!

hockeymom (#143)

But I thought these people gave their back fat to poor people or something.

Asner alert!!

David Cho (#3)

Katie – I can't believe you spent the time to go find a clip from 'All Dogs Go To Heaven'

some of us have those bookmarked on our toolbars

Katie Baker (#2,378)

Yeah, obviously this is the only time I've ever set up a "hotkey."

Trying hard to sell those mediocre-ass Dr. Dre headphones during the best original song cat.

lotsoftreble (#2,715)

I don't think I'm gonna make it. I love ladies in shiny dresses. I love movies. But it's just not adding up. It's just not adding up.

brianvan (#149)

Katie: it's not a statement on auteur theory. The producer of "Up" is just too busy trying to assimilate his new liver.

hockeymom (#143)

Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr. are funny. For real.

petejayhawk (#1,249)

They should host the whole damn thing. Steve Martin hasn't been funny since the mid '90s.

rj77 (#210)

Bowfinger.

According to Google Images, this screenwriter looks like Andrew Krucoff.

Abe Sauer (#148)

I didn;t know Woody Harrelson was in Luc Besson's Joan of Arc movie? Is that getting an achievement award this year or something?

brianvan (#149)

Ok… Hurt Locker picks up its booby prize early… I know what that means!

*fingers crossed for the Blind Side*

mrschem (#1,757)

hah! i thought the same thing. best screenplay. you cant have both. but then i saw the look on jason reitmans face and that it explained it all.

Maevemealone (#968)

Relax the eyes Molly!

Claire is a fat girl's name.

HiredGoons (#603)

They should have sat James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow next to each other so they would have to step over each other to get their awards.

Abe Sauer (#148)

I think Judd Nelson became his character from New Jack City.

Conor (#35)

He's got to be preparing for a role, right? As a corpse?

mrschem (#1,757)

oh, he looks unwell.

missdelite (#625)

Don't you..fugghedaboutmeee

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