Actually Liveblogging The Oscars: There Will Be Blog

OSCARZZZZ THE GROUCHWelcome to The Awl’s liveblogging of The Oscars! Can you feel the magic in the air? I can’t emphasize how happy I am that we’re doing this, doesn’t it seem like there’s not nearly enough coverage online of this wonderful celebration of cinema?

The way this will work is various Awl contributors, or possibly just myself and Katie Baker/Bakes, will rotate in 15-20 minute shifts, of live-blogging, while also responding, critiquing, and-most likely-praising, the person who came before us. It’s also very possible that this system will completely breakdown and it will be a much more willy nilly affair that involves Katie and myself frantically trying to make Robert Pattinson jokes all night, so, get excited for that!

So starting now and until 8pm EST, THE BEGINNING OF THE OSCARS, Katie Baker/Bakes will be your liveblogging host with pre-show related stuff that I have not been watching because I don’t watch E! Entertainment network!

Katie Baker: Whoa, Joan Rivers doesn’t do the red carpet anymore! I guess I should have known this, but I did not. Ryan Seacrest is being Ryan Seacrest, his normal winky and overly-apologetic self. “I’m sorry, but I have to ask,” he oft intones.

But he does make some good points. “She’s kind of a like a chick … who is half a dude,” he said to Ryan Reynolds by way of asking what it’s like to work with Sandra Bullock, whose lipstick is the best I’ve seen since Michelle Williams that one time. My roommate had his own take. “Please tell me she’s with him!” he delighted, recognizing Jesse James. “They’ve been together, like forever,” I said. While I may have only seen 10% of the best picture nominees, I at least keep up appearance! I read tabloid mags on planes.

Having seen a little too many episodes of Say Yes To The Dress, I can’t stop pointing at the screen and yelling “crumbcatcher neckline!” Which by the way: I found Vera Farmiga’s jewel-toned Marchesa to be so perfect on a blond, although I’m sure her ruffles will rankle for some.

It seems like Amanda Seyfried and J-Lo were clad a little close for comfort? (Speaking of Amanda, she’s quitting Big Love for a Leo-produced Little Red Riding Hood (?!) and she and Kristen Stewart both look like late-summer bridesmaids with their conspicuous tank top tans that battle strapless necklines.) America’s Top Model’s renowned Miss J, who looks like some silver Goldfinger sequel, has already proclaimed the latter the “Best Dress” of this year. Miss J and I do not agree.

George Clooney was just ambling around the grounds leaning into random microphones and babbling like he owns the estate. Which I mean, he kind of does.

Katie Baker (7:55 PM): Okay, Charlize Theron is wearing a giant rosebud bra attached to a dress. Miley Cyrus won’t stop slumping, and she has the bikini tan lines too. Come on, Millenial Celebs! At least learn how to fill in via self tanner! You could learn a lot from Giuliana Rancic, whose orange glow is smooth and even. (She, by the way, goes in the annals of Women I Have Trouble Looking At Because I Can Make Out Their Skull Beneath Their Face, alongside Bethenny Frankel and Teri Hatcher. There oughta be a German word?)

Katie Baker (7:57 PM): Did anyone see earlier when Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard made a cutesy reference to “a stolen moment” this morning when they got to eat breakfast together, and then got super awkward and cagey when they were asked on what they dined? She was definitely licking whipped cream and maple syrup off of Peter’s newly-bald head, right?

My bestie just IMed me to let me know: “My mom doesn’t like Cameron Diaz because she thinks she’s ‘been around the block’.”

Katie Baker (8:01 PM): It was really hard to navigate away from Johnny Weir on E! so I could watch Kathy Ireland on ABC.

Katie Baker (8:03 PM): Why did Jake and Reese break up? I took that one pretty hard. Hey, here’s George again! I think I can see his date’s lacy corset beneath her dress. He just openly praised the language barrier. I bet
he yells terrible things at her after too many bourbons and she just smiles and leans forward to adjust her cleavage.

Alex Balk (8:11): Hey, Balk here! When you think of the guy you want doing the red carpet shift, you think me, right? Well fuck you, I’m not happy about it either! Ooh, look, Matt Damon! And now old people!

Alex Balk (8:17): What’s her name and that guy she is married to! They look much smaller than they do in the movies/on TV shows!

Alex Balk (8:20): I will recharge the woman in that commercial’s elasticity, if you know what I mean.

Alex Balk (8:21): Just to be clear, I was NOT talking about Whoopi Goldberg.

Alex Balk (8:22): David Cho is concerned that I’m not being celebrity-oriented enough, so I do want to point out that HOLY SHIT THE ACCOUNTANTS FROM PRICE WATERHOUSE ARE HERE!

Alex Balk (8:22): Hey Tina Fey and Steve Carrell, if you’re going to whore out your movie-and that’s FINE, we know how these things work&emdashjust whore it out. Enough with the wide-eyed grins to show us that you know you’re being whores. We know you know! Whores!

Alex Balk (8:24): I’ll just put it right out there: I dig Jeff Bridges. Great actor, seems like a perfectly amiable guy. The fact that he did not win an Oscar for his greatest performance is a terrible joke. And yes, I mean “Starman.”

Alex Balk (8:26): So are the mean girls in our nation’s junior highs calling other girls “Precious” as an insult yet?

Alex Balk (8:28): And the red carpet part is over! I am getting the fuck out of here for now! Also, holy crap, THAT was Kathy Ireland? WTF? Anyway, I think Cho’s up next! Enjoy!

David Cho (8:30): So I guess I’m doing this now? Full disclosure, when I told Alex to do 8:00-8:30, I thought that the show was starting at 8, so he would be doing opening and all of that good stuff. Clearly I was wrong and now I am doing this?

DC (8:31): Wait, it just starts? There’s no dance number or something? OH MY GOD THE GIRL FROM ‘PRECIOUS’ IS SO SASSY!!!

DC (8:31): Could Neil Patrick Harris have done this stuff if Perez Hilton hadn’t outed him? Right?

DC (8:34): True story, saw NPH in person once and the guy was insanely jacked. Ugh, I’m not liveblogging “like a ‘mo” am I?

DC (8:35): Alec Baldwin’s bowtie is really agressive. Why is it so huge? It’s twice the size of Steve Martin’s!

DC (8:37): Everyone is being really polite. This is not what the MTV Movie Awards are like.

DC (8:37): Didn’t they already do a Meryl Streep section? Another one?

DC (8:38): That CAA joke is a little insider-y. AM I WATCHING ENTOURAGE OR SOMETHING???

DC (8:40): Damn, Katherine Bigalow looks great. What an attractive woman.

DC (8:41): GEORGE CLOONEY DID NOT LIKE THAT TOYOTA JOKE. OR THE OTHER ONES THEY’RE MAKING.

DC (8:41): I like that the close ups keep getting closer. And now they’re getting further away, what is happening here??

DC (8:44): Oh, so this George Clooney thing is a bit. That’s great. A stern face, how “funny.”

DC (8:45): Wow, these clips are long. I’ve been sitting on this “and the best supporting actor goes to” post for two minutes.

DC (8:48): Best Supporting Actor Goes to Christoph Waltz. DEFINTELY deserved. He was great, great, in that. That being said, his speeches are always awesome. “Uber-bingo,” weird metaphors about directions, but always so sincere and nice.

DC (8:50): Do they not have commercials for this show? Katie Baker is taking over now!

KB (8:52): The scrolling footnote that just invaded my screen is pretty great:

ABC7 AND CABLEVISION HAVE MADE SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS, AND HAVE REACHED AN AGREEMENT IN PRINCIPLE THAT RECOGNIZES THE FAIR VALUE OF ABC7, WITH DEAL POINTS THAT WE EXPECT TO FINALIZE WITH CABLEVISION. GIVEN THIS MOVEMENT, WE’RE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT ABC7 WILL RETURN TO CABLEVISION HOUSEHOLDS WHILE WE WORK TO COMPLETE OUR NEGOTIATIONS.

KB (8:53): Has anyone investigated yet whether Helen Mirren, Kathy Baker (no relation, although she and my mother share a name) and Mary Kay Place are secretly triplets? And if they are, admit this would make for a killer reality show on LMN.

KB (8:58): So far this production is kind of just whatever. The Steve Martin / Alec Baldwin lineup maybe feels as forced and “favors were called in” as The Marriage Ref did? I dunno, I just was hoping for behavior that skewed more inappropriate. Ha, Cameron Diaz is getting punished by the teleprompter for stealing Queen Sandra’s lipstick hue.

OMG, I just looked up at the screen and there was an animated alligator that had the SAME VOICE as the most important animated alligator in all of film history:

KB (9:00): UPixar wins Best Animated Feature. I refuse to watch this movie because even reading a description of the opening montage makes me bawl with shoulder-heaving abandon.

KB (9:04): Someone that is not Jeff Bridges won something for Crazy Heart. OMG his name is T-Bone Burnat and what is going on, some dude just told his wife that he “loves [her] more than rainbows.” David Cho just IM’d to say that the dude in sunglasses looks like a fat James Cameron. Sorry, I don’t know what just happened.

I also don’t know what this means, but it sounds smart. From my inbox: “Why does the director accept the award for best animated film but it’s the producer for best picture? TACIT COMMENTARY ON AUTEUR THEORY, ACADEMY???” Discuss.

KB (9:10): Hows abouts we check in with Gavin McInnes? He has a lot to say about Meryl Streep!

Hey Meryl Streep, don’t be so shocked by your popularity. The majority of the American population is as old as your old ass.
Meryl Streep is America’s bran flakes.

Helen Mirren has TILFs: Tits I’d Like to Fuck
I’m Neil Patrick Harris and I’m a fagaholic.
What’s gayer than “nude” hosiery?

If Meryl Streep dies, can I have her tits? My brother and I need sleeping bags.

KB (9:14): Already Over: Teleprompter-based humor.

KB (9:15): Oooh, hate for “any soldier with a webcam or cellphone.” They’re totes hating on bloggers!!!1!

And the winner for best original screenplay is: The Hurt Locker.

KB (9:18): I am being chastened for not knowing about T-Bone Burnatt. Here, knock yourselves out!

DC (9:20): Programming Note: The second part of the liveblog is happening in a new post!