Alex Balk (11:20): Since David Cho is never satisfied, we are once again shifting locations! Welcome back to the purgatory that is this year’s Oscar ceremony. They just gave the Award For Thing In Non-English Language, but I was too busy setting this up, so I hope you were all able to make your own jokes about it. Anyway, let’s RIDE THIS BITCH HOME.
AB (11:25): Here comes the Man award!
AB (11:25): OMG, is it going to be PERSONAL TESTIMONIES for every nominee?
AB (11:26): Seriously, don’t you feel like someone is going to inadvertently admit to being raped?
AB (11:28): Who was not impressed with Colin Firth’s courage?
AB (11:30): Colin Farell is inadvertently going to admit to raping someone.
AB (11:31): Oh God, we’re going to have to watch that all again but for the women aren’t we?
AB (11:32): Every other actor who knew that Jeff Bridges was going to win Best Actor did a very admirable job of nodding and smiling when they announced his win.
AB (11:33): Jeff Bridges is the coolest guy to ever have been tweaking on the Academy stage.
AB (11:35): Jeff Bridges’ next Oscar will come for Old Colonel Sanders.
AB (OPRAH!): OPRAH!
AB (11:41): I don’t think anyone should be bringing up Hope Floats.
AB (11:43): I am worried that Captain Caveman is going to hurt Helen Mirren.
AB (11:43): Peter Sarsgaard is going for a JV-John Malkovich thing, right?
AB (11:45): Oprah Winfrey is making Academy voters wish they could change their ballots right now.
AB (11:46): The Tooch has GOT to be pissed about following that.
AB (11:47): Sean Penn is going to wish rectal cancer on Meryl Streep!
AB (11:49): Sandra Bullock, ladies and gentlemen! The chick from Speed!
AB (11:49): George Clooney’s girlfriend: loaded. And who could blame her?
AB (11:50): Sandra Bullock actually deserves an Oscar for this acceptance speech.
AB (11:52): Um, cannot argue with that acceptance speech. WHO HAS A KICKER LIKE THAT?
AB (11:53): I know all you people are thinking horrid, ageist thoughts about Barbra Streisand and it makes me sick. Animals.
AB (11:55): THIS IS FOR YOU, HILLARY! WE FINALLY CRACKED THAT GLASS CEILING!
AB (11:56): Okay, the crack is finally cooked! Bigelow wins Best Director, although Streisand is TOTALLY gonna swipe that statue on the way to the green room. Anyway, I am done. To cap off your evening, here is David Cho.
DC (11:57): Alex’s bedtime has come and gone, so I guess I’m finishing this up? Was that side-by-side of Barbara Streisand (ugly and small) and Kathryn Bigelow (tall and hot) the most jarring visual ever?
DC (11:59): And I guess we’re done? The Hurt Locker wins for Best Picture and also hottest director!
DC (12:00AM – YEP!): Jeremy Renner is making a serious face right now. Apparently he’s been trying to holler at Jessica Simpson at the Oscar parties this week.
DC (12:02): And thus concludes our Oscar liveblog! Many, many, many thanks to Katie Baker for helping liveblog and also thanks to Carey Mulligan, Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Julianne Moore, and Kathryn Bigelow for all being super attractive and talented!