"An article last Thursday about luxury candles misstated the price of the Ernesto candle by Cire Trudon. It is $85 for the classic size, not $65."
"A picture caption on Thursday for a special report about Americans’ relationship with guns referred incorrectly to the gun that an 8-year-old boy used to kill his first turkey. It was a 20-gauge shotgun, not a .20-gauge."
"When shoppers head out in search of Black Friday bargains this week, they won't just be going to the mall, they'll be witnessing retail theater. Stores will be pulling out the stops on deep discounts aimed at drawing customers into stores. But retail-industry veterans acknowledge that, in many cases, those bargains will be a carefully engineered illusion. The common assumption is that retailers stock up on goods and then mark down the ones that don't sell, taking a hit to their profits. But that isn't typically how it plays out. Instead, big retailers work backward with their suppliers to set starting prices that, after all the markdowns, will yield [...]
"Because of an editing error, an article on Nov. 5 about a study of antibiotic-resistant E. coli bacteria found on samples of chicken sold in the New York area misstated one of its findings. The researchers reported that nearly twice as much of the bacteria was found on the kosher chicken as on conventionally raised birds, not that twice as many of the kosher samples tested positive for the bacteria."
If you start having headaches over the next couple of days—intense, painful headaches that happen at the same time each day and feel like there is a remarkably tenacious creature inside of your head who is armed only with a sharp metal implement and a desperate desire to escape—blame the end of daylight saving time.
"The secret ingredient for TV chef Nigella Lawson’s cookbooks was cocaine, a former aide testified in London Tuesday."
The melody to the Rolling Stones' "Street Fighting Man" is based on the sound of French police sirens and if this is something everyone knew but me I am just gonna go hide in the corner somewhere and die of shame. Ugh, I've heard this thing a MILLION times and it's JUST NOW APPARENT TO ME? Next you're going to tell me there's something going on in the FedEx logo.
Here's what the most expensive case of wine in the world tastes like.
"One thing that strikes Koskie is that, unless you're dining on an expensive organic brand, most cotton balls aren't made of cotton. They're bleached, polyester fibers that contain a lot of chemicals." Oh, also, PEOPLE ARE EATING COTTON BALLS TO LOSE WEIGHT.
"An article of 18 June (‘Operation death: the doctor who faked his results’) reported that Dr Edward Erin, who was previously convicted of trying to poison his lover to induce a miscarriage, had been further convicted of attempting to pervert the course of justice after asking a former cellmate to kill his ex-mistress and her child. We would like to clarify that, while that claim was made by the former cellmate, the conviction was based on Erin’s attempt to undermine the original case against him vis-à-vis the poisoning charge."
It looks like there is no wine shortage after all, and the Sriracha is safe for another year! Now what will the Internet panic about? Probably nothing. I think we can all assume that the Internet has learned its lesson and will from this moment forward approach all news stories with a measure of skepticism and restraint and hahaha no I can't do this with a straight face either.
Vitamins are worthless and don't do anything to make you even a little bit better, but the alternative is "not smoking, eating well and getting adequate exercise," so it's probably just easier to keep throwing money away and kidding yourself that the supplements are working. You realize you're going to die either way, right?
You know, when I was a kid—NO WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I promise, it's relevant! Okay, anyway: When I was a kid the big question was what would an image look like if you made a copy of it and then a copy of the copy and then a copy of the copy of the copy and so on until whoever was the office manager of the place where your parents parked you while they were at work came and yelled at you to stop hogging the Xerox machine. Anyway, times have changed, I guess, so now the mystery concerns what a [...]
It is unlikely that you missed news of this import over the weekend, but just in case here is the story.
"A music review on Friday about 'Era la Notte,' a dramatic staging of four 17th-century Italian vocal works at the Rose Theater in Manhattan, referred incorrectly to the narrative part in one piece, 'Combattimento di Tancredi e Clorinda' by Monteverdi. The lines are delivered by an unnamed narrator — not by a character named Testo, which is the Italian word for text."
If you want to stop nosebleeds, tip your head forward instead of back to help the blood clot. Also, don't do so much coke.