Zooey Deschanel, when she was blonde and kind of snarly! Will Ferrell in barely controlled hyper-idiotic hilarity. Bob Newhart! Christmas in New York City. An inexplicable subplot involving an independent publishing house specializing in children's board books. This movie has everything good about the holidays. A little entertainment enhancement goes a long way, too.

I don't care what day Columbus Day is supposed to be. It might actually fall today, but it might also be one of those "Monday holidays," which means it might really not exactly-technically be today, but it's on a Monday, so We The People can get a day off, and today is the Day-Off part! I didn't get the day off, but I totally support the idea of somebody getting a day off, you know? Maybe someday I will get to enjoy a day of Not Working on one of these lame "Monday Holiday" days! Happy Monday Holiday (Observed)!

I know a lot of people get angry at Columbus Day [...]

35. Makahiki 34. L. Ron Hubbard's Birthday 33. Solstices 32. Pioneer Day 30 and 31. Eid al-Adha & Eid al-Fitr (tied) 29. Purim 28. Diwali 27. Ramadan 26. Lent 25. Pesach 24. Epiphany 23. Equinoxes 22. Yom Kippur

"Cat people are happy, sensitive, gentle, gifted, reserved, ambitious, nice to be with, affectionate, and charming." —Minnesota librarian Phuoc Thi-Minh Tran, who is organizing a Vietnamese New Year celebration this week, on the characteristics associated with people born in years, like 2011, designated as "cat years" in the 12-year-cycle of the Vietnamese calendar. So, people born in 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999. (The Vietnamese year of the cat corresponds to the Chinese year of the rabbit.) It makes you wonder whether Tran has ever even seen Cat People.

August, you have brought this on yourself: In accordance with all local and federal statutes governing the declaration of holidays by self-important Internet "personalities," I, Alex Balk, hereby designate today, August 25th, as National Duck Out For A Drink Day. To recognize this special occasion, you need only to slip away from work for a quick shot at a nearby bar. (If you have time to down a beer as well then by all means do so, but it is not a requirement.) It's fifteen minutes out of your life that will almost certainly be the best part of your day and, to top it off, you're getting paid [...]

Ever since Superstorm Sandy invented global warming six weeks ago, many of us have become more concerned about the environment and the future of our planet. Should we do "Christmas as usual" this year, or should Hanukkah be changed to address the terrifying reality of rapid climate change and rising seas? Will this be a Winter Solstice of ecological discontent, or a Kwazy Kwanzaa of renewed purpose in the face of crisis and challenge? How can you buy things for your sustainability-loving friends and relations without actually accelerating the cycle of planetary doom?

We have that all figured out for you! From inexpensive sun-powered autonomous insect simulacra to $100 donations [...]

13. Peeps

12. Manischewitz matzo crackers

11. Candy corn

10. Candy canes

9. Cranberry sauce

8. Leg of lamb

My longstanding dream has been to open a series of Crying Spaces, where people can come during the day to sit in a small room and weep privately. I think that these would do especially well in urban areas like New York, where the population density and cost of living usually forces you to share space with other people. Rather than wait until your roommate or significant other is out of the apartment, rather than hope that none of your coworkers will hear you stifling sobs in the stall, you could come to the Crying Space and just let it all out secure in the knowledge that the only [...]

Christmas songs are designed to be catchy, annoying and vaguely reminiscent of winter. The most successful are horrible holiday earworms, such as "Wonderful Christmastime" and "Heat Miser/Snow Miser." But one song is so overplayed and over-covered and so mediocre to begin with that it makes the rest sound like "White Christmas." Its recent exclusion from the A/V Club’s recent list of worst Christmas songs is a gross injustice to the holidays and to musicdom in general.

"Last Christmas," written by George Michael and first performed by Wham! in 1984, is a wallowing mess of a song. It mistakes self-indulgence for closure. It contains a synthy falseness [...]

While you are already perhaps saving the date of December 10 in New York City (6 to 10 p.m., at the Gallery Bar, 120 Orchard Street) for a reader-sponsored Hawliday Bawl, perhaps you live in the greater Boston area! If so, our apologies, but here: Boston-area Awl readers are throwing a party for Boston-area Awl readers.

When Hunter S. Thompson used to make the quick trip from his home in Woody Creek to downtown Aspen, he would stop at the J-Bar, the ancient watering hole that has soused up the tenants of its adjoining Hotel Jerome since 1883. "Right over there," the bartender at the 19th-century artifact said, as I ordered a Stella. "Hunter would always sit in that corner." The bar even has one of the iconic "HUNTER THOMPSON FOR SHERIFF" posters hanging there. And, yeah, it's a genuinely classy place. It has a classic rust-bruised tin ceiling that would be "trying too hard" if it weren't, well, real. Yes, Hunter might like this place. [...]

"Tofurkey is offensive, linguistically and culturally. If you want to eat turkey, eat turkey. Tofu doesn't look or taste or smell like turkey at all. If you make tofu, own it and treat it like tofu and call it tofu." —Dr. James Hamblin, the Atlantic's health editor, answers all your Thanksgiving health questions about turkey skin, calories and taking a bowl of gravy and a pack of cigarettes to your childhood bedroom.

Is today the real American independence day? Sure, why the hell not.

The lyrics are Christmas themed. The beat and the video, more appropriate for Halloween. But Gucci Mane is Gucci Mane, so he'll put it out late January. Sort of in time for Valentine's Day.

Many of you have complained that you were notified about National Duck Out For A Drink Day too late to properly celebrate the occasion. I am sympathetic to your plea, and also deeply moved by the fact that it is, at least here in New York, an absolutely gorgeous day. So, by the power vested in me by the Internet, I hereby declare today, August 26th, to be National Duck Out For A Drink Day (Observed). Tell your friends and co-workers! But mark your calendars for next year, though; I have better things to do than spend my days encouraging you to leave work to knock back a quick [...]