Saturday, December 22
Atlanta -3.5 At Detroit
Detroit really needs a new city government and a new head coach. PICK: FALCONS
Sunday, December 23
At Green Bay -12.5 Tennessee
I’d take the Titans and the points if you gave me seven billion points. PICK: PACKERS
Thursday, November 29
At Atlanta -3.5 New Orleans
Actual great game on the NFL Network! I’ll take that half point. PICK: SAINTS
Sunday, December 2
At Chicago – 3.5 Seattle
My heart says Seahawks but my heart doesn’t really make any money. PICK: BEARS
Thursday, November 8
Indianapolis -3.5 At Jacksonville
Jags on National Television! It's like why they canceled "Joey." PICK: COLTS
Sunday, November 11
At New England -11 Buffalo
Patriots, coming off the Bye, have installed spy helmet cameras. PICK: PATS
Thursday, October 18
At San Francisco -7 Seattle
Lose back-to-back games at home and Jim Harbaugh will go Supernova. PICK: SEAHAWKS
Sunday, October 21
At Buffalo -3 Tennessee
Bills are 3 and 3! Tied for First Place in the East! Enjoy, Buffalo! PICK: TITANS
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
At Baltimore -12 Cleveland
Browns have a chance if all the Ravens players get themselves arrested. PICK: BROWNS
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
New England -4 At Buffalo
Last time the Pats lost three games straight Massasoit was the quarterback. PICK: PATS
At Detroit -5 Minnesota
Lions' coach's weird plan to lose in overtime last week worked out great. PICK: LIONS
Wednesday, September 5
At NY Giants -4 Dallas
Giants will sleepwalk through the season and turn it on in the playoffs. PICK: GIANTS
Sunday, September 9
At Chicago -9.5 Indianapolis
Bears' great defense will contain Andrew Luck. But offense can't score. PICK: COLTS
Thursday, December 13
Cincinnati -4.5 At Philadelphia
Bengals have taken the last few weeks off but the Eagles off all year. PICK: BENGALS
Sunday, December 16
Green Bay -3 At Chicago
Without Urlacher Bears Defense looks gooey like a deep crust pizza. PICK: PACKERS
Thursday, November 22—Thanksgiving!
Houston -3 At Detroit
While you are eating turkey the Lions will be getting their ass kicked. PICK: TEXANS
At Dallas -3 Washington
While you are taking a tryptophan nap Romo will be screwing up. PICK: REDSKINS
New England -6.5 At NY Jets
While you’re at a bar avoiding your family the Jets will still suck. PICK: PATRIOTS
Thursday, November 1
At San Diego -7.5 Kansas City
I’m hoping Chiefs’ star cornerback Brandon Flowers gets six pick sixes PICK: CHIEFS
Sunday, November 4
Denver -3.5 At Cincinnati
The Bengals will play great and then Peyton Manning will steal their candy. PICK: BRONCOS
At Green Bay -11 Arizona
I’m sick of losing cash betting against the Green Bay Packers every week. PICK: PACKERS
Thursday, October 11
Pittsburgh -6 At Tennessee
Troy Polamalu Is injured again. Titans avoid an execution. PICK: TITANS.
Biden -3 v. Ryan
Joe’s always gaffe-prone but Ryan tends to just make shit completely up. PICK: BIDEN
Sunday, October 14
Cincinnati -1 At Cleveland
I grew up Democrat. I have a soft spot for all pathetic losers. PICK: BROWNS
Thursday, September 20
At Carolina -2.5 NY Giants
Cam Newton versus Giants' torched secondary? I smell barbeque! PICK: PANTHERS
Sunday, September 23
At Chicago -7.5 St. Louis
Jay Cutler is not one of those quarterbacks that you want on your team. PICK: RAMS
At Dallas -8 Tampa Bay
Most of Mitt Romney’s 47% are Dallas Cowboy fans. PICK: COWBOYS
Sunday, October 16
At Green Bay -14.5 St. Louis The Rams have no chance. They may as well stay home and watch the game and drink. PICK: PACKERS, BREWERS
At Pittsburgh -12 Jacksonville Did you know that in Pittsburgh they put the french fries inside your sandwich? PICK: STEELERS
Thursday, December 6
Denver -10 At Oakland
Peyton Manning will recreate the flashlight scene from Manhandled 4. PICK: RAIDERS
Sunday, December 9
At Washington -2.5 Baltimore
Bet on RG3; fix your Fiscal Cliff! Lead us to a late field goal. PICK: REDSKINS
Thursday, November 15
At Buffalo -2.5 Miami
C. J. Spiller is very fast and dangerous so I will Bill-lieve! PICK: BILLS
Sunday, November 18
At Washington -3.5 Philadelphia
All Eagles’ players ought to emulate Nick Foles’ awesome mullet 'doo. PICK: REDSKINS
Thursday, October 25
At Minnesota -6 Tampa Bay
Vikings should crush Bucs. Flip channels only during World Series innings. PICK: VIKINGS
Sunday, October 28
New England -7 St. Louis (At London)
New England visits Regular England. Brady Defects to Man U. PICK: PATRIOTS
Thursday, October 4
Arizona -1.5 At St. Louis
The Cardinals still are Undefeated but seem ripe For a huge letdown. PICK: RAMS
Sunday, October 7
Atlanta -3 At Washington
Matty Ryan used to bull's-eye womp rats in his T-16 back home. PICK: FALCONS
At Pittsburgh -3.5 Philadelphia
Michael Vick is one Sack away from becoming A McRib Sandwich. PICK: STEELERS
Thursday, September 13
At Green Bay -5 Chicago Home games at Lambeau shouldn’t happen until the tundra is frozen. PICK: BEARS
Sunday, September 16
At NY Giants -7.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense surprisingly stout but the Giants should play angry. PICK: GIANTS
At New England -13.5 Arizona The Cardinals should chose a random fan for their starting quarterback. PICK: PATRIOTS
Sunday, October 2
At Dallas -1 Detroit Everyone loves Detroit! Are Lions Super Bowl-Bound? Eminem Halftime! PICK: LIONS
New Orleans -7 At Jacksonville Jaguars D not bad. But Saints no doubt have a Jones-Drew voodoo doll. PICK: SAINTS
At Philadelphia -8.5 San Francisco Vick sick of hits. Dream Team is a Scream Machine. Philly Not Sunny. PICK: 49ERS
