After a long captivity, Mary HK Choi was liberated from the Rihanna plane, and now she and Natasha Vargas-Cooper are here to render verdict on the final installment of the Twilight series. Read the previous chat for Breaking Dawn here.
Natasha: I feel like this movie was essentially about outerwear?
Mary: I have so many opinions about the clothes.
Natasha: It was like a Nordstrom winter sale. NOT NEIMAN MARCUS.
Mary: Agreed. It was Burlington Coat Factory. BCF Holiday Sale for frenz and famz.
Natasha: This was definitely more of a coda to the series than an actual ending.
Mary: True, though I would approve of a Twi-sitcom. BUT in that show, we would have to 86 Edward because that whole relationship stopped being sexy. Especially since Bella can clearly handle shit now.
Natasha: I am super compelled by super vamp Bella adapting to life around undeads.
Mary: LIKE, she is such a bad bitch now with her ENORMO Latisse lashes. She’s more watchable now.
Natasha: Bella hunting in her high slit dress and pompy hair. Bella bitching out JakeWolf over the name ‘NESSY.’ BOSS.
Mary: She is mega bobble-headed on the big-hair, skinny tip though.
Natasha: We are dealing pageant hair. TEXAS PAGEANT AND I LOVVVVVEEE IT.
Mary: Full glitz.
Natasha: I’m pleased about her ARC as a CHARACTER.
Mary: I mean, she does dress a little 90s with the lean jackets but agreed GOOD arc.
Natasha: Also enjoy the hard 90s narrative of Hand that Rocks The Cradle vibe. Bella as the yuppie mom who will PROTECT HER FAMILY FROM ALL THREATS NATURAL/SUPERNATURAL.
Mary: Whoa. Yuppie mom is right. Moncler size 0 mom. Fendi purse. Pucci rain boots. Kinda Euro but only kinda.
Natasha: I enjoyed watching Bella turn fierce alpha, sexual, and screamy. So at least this is something that changed (AHEM: KATNISS). Like, we started with awky, lonely, lip bit-y, ghosty Kstew.
Mary: Yes. Palsy face.
Natasha: Also, on a purely “I Read Design Blogs All Day” tip, I enjoyed in indulging in the dream of fantasy wood wedding to COZY FORKS COTTAGE where you bone all the time amid modern rusted décor.
Mary: LOL. Kinkade cottage porn.
Natasha: FEEL IT. PUMPKIN-SCENTED SEX ROMP
Mary: Here’s my thing on new Bella, tho.
Natasha: Be real.
Mary: New Bella is kiiiiiinda a basic bitch.
Natasha: OMG, TRUTH!
Mary: All pumpkin spice everything.
Natasha: She’s version 1.0.
Mary: Like, she’s SO 2013 Land Rover. AND UGH, so her powers are self-restraint and shielding others? #THXMOM
Natasha: Would you like to have shielding power? ‘Cause I’d feel sort of let down?
Mary: NO WAY. Toooootal garbage power.
Natasha: Though in the end, proved to be a TRILL POWER.
Mary: Sure but uuuuuugh protection? LIKE, I want manipulating elements or projecting agony or ice. GIMME ICE.
Natasha: This is why Edward felt superfluous. Like, YOU GOT YOUR SHIELD, YOU GOT YOUR DEER, YOU GOOD.
Mary: Ahahahha. YOU STR8. Ugh. Edward is so #dadjeans. Also, he is the worst with kids? Why so absentee dad? It’s, like, thank god for TAY!
Natasha: Yes and like, I’m not sure why he’s still so glum and making that stank face all the time?
Mary: Speaking of stank face, what was Renesmee’s Polar Express CG horror uncanny valley E-trade baby Super Bowl ad face? WHAT THE SHIT?
Natasha: I MEAN LOL FOREVER.
Mary: SO MANY LOLS in the movie theater.
Natasha: I feel like that was some Deep Cut Stephenie Meyer’s detail that was not needed visually. But can I just tell you when all the global vampires assembled via It’s a Small World After All meeting. I felt a fangirl equivalent to watching the Avengers team up!
Mary: Oh God, I didn’t read the book, so, like, I was like UGH SMURF VILLAGE booooooooooooooooooring.
Natasha: VAMPIRE STYLES FROM AROUND THE WORLD.
Mary: The Irish girl one had denim shorts from American Eagle Outfitters. I’m just saying.
Natasha: Yes, one was more ridic than then next!!! But so like how a 13-year-old girl would style these people?
Mary: YES. SEE: THE AMAZON.
Natasha: SMIZE IS HER POWER, SMILING WITH HER EYES. So the first 40 minutes were basically book porn. Like, this is not for general audiences, we are just going to luxuriate in the coven of Undead Décor. Totally slow and stupid for any one who isn’t totally into gobbling up said details (which includes me and my now graduating high-school-aged army).
Mary: #tribe. It felt like a movie that started halfway in. So like, even with the BELLA THE VAMPIRE REVEAL, it felt tired to me. Like, watching her sparkle wasn’t this big enough THING.
Natasha: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR SKIN RAINBOW.
Mary: DUDE. Honestly, it felt like a Fathom Event. Like, when did we all decide to watch an episode of a soap together all at the same time? (or a week after everyone else AHEM).
Natasha: Also the main conflict that started the second half of the movie could have been solved with a text to the Volturi: “this baby came from human vag, end total war, see u at Eurovision — luv the cullenz.”
Mary: AHAHAHHA. Totally.
Natasha: Thank GOD Michael Sheen and the rest of the dadbro vampires showed up.
Mary: But *SPOILER ALERT* that fake out-ending was soooooooooooooo satisfying. I can’t believe that it was so garbage town to be a fake out.
Natasha: I loved the battle scene. Which is something I have never said about a movie.
Mary: I LOVED the battle. The choreography was solid. Pacing and blocking = great. The vampire heads popping off like Barbie doll heads!!!
Natasha: I enjoyed the super power face-off.
Mary: That’s the thing, compared to the others, it felt like Captain Planet where Bella’s power was “heart.”
Mary: I wish they all fell into the magma, though.
Natasha: True. When Edward was going down into that earth crack I was like: LEGIT. This got dark and real (LOL): Do it Bella, live your single mom life in your fuck cottage with Jacob in the backyard.
Mary: YES, GIRL. DO YOU.
Natasha: WHICH IS MAD TRAGIC FOR ME (this is NATASHA’S CHARACTER ARC) because originally Edward was my whole reason.
Natasha: We were always team Edward. And yet, here we are: ROOTING FOR THE DEATH OF EDWARD.
Mary: Because it’s that we’re truly team Bella?
Natasha: Team Bella.
Mary: This whole thing felt like Edward’s being set up to die and it would be ill and I would be sad but also, like, RESPECT. Like in the end, he gave birth to her, at least, the bad-ass version of her and she got his juju. So BYE, Ed.
Natasha: But this brings us back to the ultimate problem with Bella: basic bitch, basic dreams.
Mary: Basic knee-length office dress.
Natasha: JanSport bag.
Mary: Like bougie basic. Which is worse?
Natasha: Like West Elm mark down?
Mary: Design Within Reach Annual Sale; floor sample.
Natasha: Ooof. I can’t. But it’s true.
Mary: And you know what? He’s basic too. That weird ass 3x hoodie he wore.
Mary: Truuuuuuue colors. Everyone got SO casual, I thought for sure that meant he was gonna die.
Natasha: Like the Russians showed up in full Wild One Leather Flare.
Mary: YES. AND SPAWN CAPES.
Natasha: And the Irish even wore their traditional um, cable knit things and this bro pops in like some 8th grade sk8ter???
Mary: DAD JEANS IN HIS SOUL. It was SO skateboarding is not a crime
Natasha: It was Stussy. But here is my favorite part: there is some Javier Bardem’d-looking bro in this movie who they found in New Orleans and who ended up with plastic surgery nightmare voltage queen? YOU KNOW WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT?
Mary: WAIT, THE GUYLINER GUY?
Natasha: Yes. Several things about him: he was throwback to 1994 interview with the vamp new Orleans gay wierdo vamp vibe. Like MISS YOU VAMPIRES 1.0.
Mary: OH YES. RICE.
Natasha: RICE VAMPS.
Mary: HOLY SHIT.
Natasha: Swamp Vamps.
Mary: Hate to say it BUT I want all new Anne Rice.
Natasha: I AM WITH YOU.
Mary: Sexy, gender-bendy delicious.
Natasha: 400 PERCENT.
Mary: Lean and older. None of this 90s babies getting famous shit. GURL: FASSBENDRICE.
Natasha: ::screaming:::. Just want dudes in their late 30s biting other dudes in their late 30s. KIRSTEN DUNST IS ALSO ALLOWED.
Mary: I WILL ALLOW IT.
Natasha: So I loved guyliner bro for the nostalgia of what Vampires used to mean in this country. This is also why Michael Sheen saved the movie. I need the Brits in my American vampire movies, NOT IN MY HISTORICAL DRAMAS. Like that old world, out-of-work theater actor who is slumming it with some fangs.
Mary: THESPIAN SHIT.
Mary: Tom Ford to consult.
Natasha: I hope that, now that Youngs have zombies, they will give vampires to the olders and we can go back to broody Rice vamps WHO DO NOT SPARKLE BUT DO POSSIBLY ENGAGE IN SODOMY?
Mary: YES, SODOMY! Oh man. I need BDSM vamps.
Mary: Real talk. Fifty Shades needs more bloodplay.
Natasha: On the hetero side of things, did you notice how each vampire had a lifelong boyf?
Mary: UGH YES except the blonde spinsters of Denali.
Natasha: It’s basically a M.A.S.H. note from Stephanie Meyers. Boyfriend for life = life solved.
Mary: But you know what’s real fucked, solving life for me was always the mansion. And clothes, cars, bags, shoes, foods. It was always about STUFF and then stunting on haters. That was always the fantasy.
Natasha: Mine was living like Samantha Jones ☹
Natasha: TO CONCLUDE: Do we have profound statements on the Twilight franchise?
Mary: WOULD SUBSCRIBE to stream a Twi show on Netfix. Edward is boring. Bella is boring and shops at Intermix. Charlie got himself a nice lady. Would watch them if they had a cooking show or similar. Taylor is muy pedo.
Natasha: I would like to conclude by saying, at the risk of sounding like an American Studies grad student, that I will always defend this franchise for its earnestness and its warrior-like journey for a boyfriend and a decent cottage.
Mary: AHAHAHAHAHAHHA. #basic.
Natasha: I would also still like to have sex with Bella’s father. BDSM IS COOL BECAUSE HE IS A COP.
Mary: Duh. All said: I would do it again, though.
Natasha: Me too.