Monday, November 21st, 2011

'Breaking Dawn': The Dress, The Vampire, the Fetus and the Headboard

Natasha: Did you love Breaking Dawn? Did you die during it? I DID.

Mary: I mean… CAN YOU EVEN? Because I maybe cannot. I went to a midnight showing on Court Street in Brooklyn with all of the Eighties babies. And we all DIED.

Natasha: !!!!!!!

Mary: We were STARING at each other like we weren't COMPLETE strangers.

Mary: Let's begin with the wedding as this movie does… QUE CELLO.

Natasha: This is the wedding every young girl pictures, right?

Mary: Yes. Outside. With all those plants I can't name.

Natasha: Let me just say, I SWOONED.

Mary: OH IDK what this swoonage refers to because ME TOO 360.

Natasha: The dress??

Mary: WELL. There are TWO dresses.

Natasha: Right. Important!

Mary: One was the nightmare monster shitshow fake-out dress.

Natasha: The Korean Karaoke video wedding dress.

Mary: It basically made her look like a naked virgin child bride.

Natasha: And all those rose petals a la American Beauty Horror Story.

Mary: And the enormo skirt.

Natasha: The wonky ass hair.

Mary: All that stiff-ass boning. With all those fucking duchess satin GATHERS. VOM.

Natasha: What about freakshow Edward?

Mary: A 100% white satin tux and tails? GARBAGE.

Natasha: I thought we had lost the whole movie when the rose petals showed up. Because the Cullens have taste, you know (minus Peter Facinelli’s wig)? You can tell by their bone chillingly austere hyper Modern Danish Pacific Northwest MANSION OF DEATH.

Mary: Uh huh. #nofuckingway #nuhuh #banjeeshit Of course it was a fakeout. Now, the REAL dress.

Natasha: THEEEEE DRESSSSS. You mean the one I have been sketching in my dreams since I could menstruate?

Mary: ME TOO and you know I can haz menses since from the way back machine.

Mary: Did your theater lose their goddamned minds?

Natasha: YES, OF COURSE. I never wanted it to end. Seriously it could have been 3 hours of 'FOUND FOOTAGE' of the Swan/Cullen wedding.

Mary: It was a super elegant dress. The lace panel in the back with hundreds of covered satin buttons.

Natasha: The lace panel almost down to her flat ass killed me! I want a back that long : (

Mary: It was coccyx cleavage.

Natasha: Soft shoulder.

Mary: FUCK a strong shoulder on a wedding dress. It's so cokey Wall Street eighties.

Natasha: She looked lovely.

Mary: I feel like even Bella haters can't even front.

Natasha: I have become a total Kristen Stewart partisan. Like, I support her.

Mary: Oh, go on.

Natasha: I think this bitch is trying her HARDDDDDESSST to give Bella Swan some depth, hesitation, anxiety. She's up there acting her 90-pound body up into something semi-substantial, So respect.

Mary: I've always loved her in interviews, even if they are a fair bit palsied at times.

Natasha: And I am not sexually threatened by her because her face is kind of lopsided? Because FUCK A SYMMETRICAL STATUE FACE.

Mary: Yes, golden ratios can go fist themselves.

Natasha: And so when she cries and sniffles, half of her face goes off to another movie screen in a theater across the street to another screening.

Mary: A theater with no stadium seating.

Natasha: You know who the hottest person at the wedding was though? CHARLIE SWAN.

Mary: SO HOT IN A TUX. OMG. With an old fashioned bowtie.


Mary: Total cop hands: calloused, intuitive yet still warm.


Mary: You could light a match off of them jawns.

Natasha: We need to address how HYSTERICALLY pale they made Edward Sparkles McDead look for this installment.

Mary: He was POWDERED. He looked like funnel cake.

Natasha: Undead funnel cake.

Mary: BUT. He looked so happy. He was waiting a HUNDRED years to be with her!

Natasha: I cried?

Mary: I'm so glad you told me that because ME TOO! I was ALL by myself and I wept!

Natasha: This is Twilight at its best: no irony, pure girl fantasy. The wedding was pitch perfect.

Mary: There's so much wrong with it but pitch weren't it.



Natasha: UNNFFFF.


Natasha: FINALLY.


Natasha: Can we talk about it FOREVER?

Mary: HAWT like Judy Blume Forever #teamralph.

Natasha: ALTHOUGH those bruises that Edward freaks out about giving Bella were pretty junior varsity! That's like any Wednesday, not a HONEYMOON.

Mary: HA! Remember when we just learned SO MUCH about you?

Natasha: It ain't love unless there’s traction.

Mary: Do you have a rolling pin and a scythe in your bedside table?

Natasha: No comment. I’m upset that I have been waiting five long years to see those alabaster abs flex on top of virgo Bella AND YET….

Mary: He was just wading into the ocean. It was just hella English.

Natasha: I found his whole “NEVER AGAIN" post first bonage PERPLEXING.

Mary: He’s a prude. If I was Bella I would have pitched an ill fit. Like COME ON. “GIVE IT."

Natasha: Side question: can you even menstruate around a vampire? Should she have brought a Hannibal Lecter mask with her Tampax?

Mary: I totally wondered when we cut to her Tampax Pearl if Edward even knew what tampons were, cause he’s Ol’ Timey.

Natasha: You know that bro collected menstrual belts all during the 19th Century.

Mary: Then Bella gets pregnant which NO. I am not on board. AT ALL.

Natasha: TELL ME WHY.

Mary: I mean, seriously, it's so punishment that she'd have a blood sucker in the baby cave after THOSE TWO TIMES and then Jesus motherfucking Christ that entire half of the movie where she's like Karen Carpenter's THINSPO? GTFOH.

Natasha: I’m usually down with WW2 iconography (see Harry Potter 6 review) in my young adult books to movie franchise BUT THIS WAS TOOOOOOOOOO.

Mary: SO TOOOO. It was SO goddamned gnarly. Drinking blood out of polystyrene cups like so much Orange Julius, Bella.

Natasha: TOO.

Natasha: OK, DON’T THINK ABOUT THIS TOO HARD but why do you think Bella wanted to keep the damn parasite?

Mary: Uh, because Stephenie Meyer is a nightmare? Because it has finger nails? IDK. The propaganda shit was a little out of control. I mean who the fuck knows why she was SO willing to die for the space alien?

Natasha: Is this where Twi-haters have a point about the weird conservatism? Absolute bio-determinism? The baby over fetus vibe Stephenie puts out?

Mary: FUCK YES. The pregnancy looked too costly for her to be down with. Personally, I have never been at that place where you're so over yourself that you're down with that but like, Bella, she didn’t never even skipped a beat and I think that's fucking irresponsible.

Natasha: Edward was not down with it though, even if it was for selfish reasons. His protests were ~*sEexXy*~*.

Mary: No doubt but still I wish some of the hesitation came from Bella.

Natasha: It’s at this point in the movie where we lose Edward and Jacob totes steals the show.

Mary: Holy shit, Bella keeps playing the threesome with Edward and Jacob like a maestro.

Natasha: The female fantasy thrives! You can stomp all over these bros and they will just be like I WILL DIE 4 U/LEAVE MY PACK 4 U/MOVE FROM HAWAII FOR U.

Mary: How can she act SO happy? And SO relieved when Jacob shows up? SO manipulative.

Natasha: Strongly agree.

Mary: It's UNPOSSIBLE. Seriously you're going to make your dudes in cahoots to make you happy. Holy fuck it's STILL the crazy G move. ODALISQUE.

Natasha: I think Tay-Tay Lautner’s acting lessons have paid off the most. “HERE TO KEEP U WARM, GUUUUUURL."

Mary: Bella was like “bbbbrrrr I’m cold” because she’s so rexi with her eight-inch circumference inner thigh! Tay was definitely toasty.


Mary: Portmanteau FAIL! Holy fucking Christ. I can’t EVEN. Not even by a spine shattering stretch.

Natasha: Can I just say…..well done?

Mary: Definitely, regardless of the motivation, BULLY. This is the first movie in the franchise where I felt it was a horror flick

Natasha: YES, EXACTLY, and motivation aside, I DO kinda dig the parasite, killing you from inside, leaving you looking like a spoon with your big ass head and nothing body, all bone and blood wasted on the table.

Mary: Oh absolutely. "Real talk."

Natasha: Cause this shit is like "Teen Mom" times six.

Natasha: Like, ok, well, I get there's concern about the conservative overtones but I loved that the pregnancy was portrayed as something terrifying that baffles you and the people around you and is a high stakes affair.


Natasha: EXACTLY.

Mary: That would just EAT your insides.


Mary: And BREAK you.

Natasha: Because after you have a kid and LIFE BELONGS TO SOMETHING ELSE.

Mary: Something that KEEPS trying to kill itself!

Natasha: You are no longer Bella Swan running a Thinspo blog about Fangbanging down by that reservation….

Mary: You're a husk of loose skin and lank hair.

Natasha: Yes.

Mary: Fetus vs. Baby.

Natasha: So I don’t know if it was meant to be meta4orical, or it was by accident (likely) but I did appreaysh the notion that LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT ENDS NOW (for better or for worse). So I dug the Cullen’s anti-life stance.

Natasha: I have a logistical question, though. Why did Edward have blood across his mouth after the vampire baby popped out?

Mary: Oh honey, really?

Natasha: :(



Mary: And then bit her a big ass C section.

Natasha: WHAT A MAN!

Mary: A mighty good man. #YESHEIS

Natasha: How were you feeling after the birth of the Mini Pale One?

Mary: Panic. I was SO upset. He kept biting her like a feral animal trying to get some shit pumping and he was so freaked and he just kept gnawing at a bitch and cryin’.

Natasha: This was when we finally felt that full throttle Cullen love.

Mary: When Jacob flops outside and bawls in front of Seth and Leah? With ragged sobs and Edward CHOMPING on her shins?

Natasha: It was so sad and intense and amazing because THATS WHAT IT SHOULD ALWAYS FEEL LIKE RIGHT?

Mary: As much as I want the thre of them to bone. Watching Edward and Jacob think she was dying, I mean…. Isn’t that better than fucking?

Natasha: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Natasha: God, what are we going to do when this series ends?


Mary HK Choi and Natasha Vargas-Cooper will see you on November 16, 2012 for Part 2, but first also on March 23, 2012, when we find out how hungry the games really are.

52 Comments / Post A Comment

I just read The Hunger Games and while doing so went through a wave of Twi-Hatred, but somehow I think the movie put me back on the path? Hunger Games ain't nothing compared to this. NEEDS MORE CRAZY. But here's the problem for Breaking Dawn 2 though: fuck all happens for 300 pages. There's no story left, so Meyer just spins around until she runs out of pages. Really, this was it. THIS WAS IT!

@Bill Sussman@twitter I know! There's 400 hundred more pages of ???

melis (#1,854)

@Natasha Vargas-Cooper Child grooming?

@melis Not even! Just like, "Some bad (maybe?) guys are coming (maybe?) and we have to stop them (maybe?). Oh, we don't? Cool." THE END.

melis (#1,854)

@Bill Sussman@twitter "Hey kid, it's me, fun uncle Jacob! I'll just be over here, in the corner, waiting, until you want to get maaaaarrriiiied."

@melis And by the way, when do you think that transition happens? When she gets her first period, maybe? AHHHHHH

jfruh (#713)

Not that I've followed the Twilight Saga anything other than third-hand, but the fact that Bella and Edward end up a-fuckin' always kind of baffled me, since the THE WHOLE DYNAMIC about "drink my blood and make me a vampire" "No, I'll lose control, I'll decide when that happens" is so obviously a thinly veiled metaphor for sex (and why you shouldn't do it no matter how awesome it will feel) that introducing actual sex seems kind of disorienting? Like, "Whoa whoa this whole thing was a metaphor about doin' it and then he just went and put his peen in her hoo-hoo, non-metaphorically, so whaa?"

Also, I am also psyched for the Hunger Games movie, but seriously how will it not be rated NC-17 for extreme bloody mind-warping violence? It is a story about children killing other children in insanely graphic ways!

@jfruh That's why they got married! For the fucking! To get on the fuck train out of damnation!

Werner Hedgehog (#11,170)

@jfruh And contusion-inducing sex at that. Can anyone here pin down the exact date when people began to expect that sex produce lingering marks and aches? These have always been people kinked like this, sure, but when did it become so dang popular?

deepomega (#1,720)

@Natasha Vargas-Cooper "I'd like two tickets on the fuck train. First class. Sleeper cabin."

melis (#1,854)

@deepomega "More like a non-sleeper cabin, if you'll pardon the idiom."

@jfruh Sex=death/vampiredom for a while, and then those metaphors disconnect for a while, then they reconnect inside Bella's womb somewhere. Stephenie Meyer's a hell of a writer like that.

Mr. B (#10,093)

Can someone explain what ladies from the Internet are talking about when they say "I can't even"? Can't even … what? This has been confusing me since about 2009, almost as much as Uggs.

melis (#1,854)

@Mr. B Stand it or believe it, I imagine.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@melis Oh. Neither can I.

deepomega (#1,720)

@Mr. B Can't even finish this sente

laurel (#4,035)

@Mr. B …articulate my thoughts.

zidaane (#373)

@Mr. B …go there.

palliata (#15,443)

Is this… like, satire or something? Please tell me it is…

@palliata This is art.

Villa (#2,985)

The movie can't possibly be better than this commentary. Solid.

HiredGoons (#603)

I have never seen any of these movies so I am unawares of their internal logic – but does this baby grow up into a hot adult vampire or is it like a 'forever-baby' a la Kirsten Dunst/IWTV?

Because being stuck with a baby forever like ew.


@HiredGoons It totally grows up, but when it hits adolescence it kind of slows down. So, eternal life but not as a baby. Convenient? Yes.

HiredGoons (#603)

@Jennifer Michelle@facebook: so being a vampire is sort of like being stuck in a Ryan McGinley photograph 4eva – got it.

@Jennifer Michelle@facebook So convenient, right? And the best part is that knowledge is dropped on everybody via a brand new character who just shows up and explains everything at the end!

Vera Knoop (#2,167)

@HiredGoons It grows up, which is a good thing, since it's born already betrothed (yes really) to Jacob, who is a fully adult wolf-teen-boy-robot.

C_Webb (#855)

"Undead funnel cake." Now I know whyI got up this morning.

Bittersweet (#765)

@C_Webb: And "bone chillingly austere hyper Modern Danish Pacific Northwest MANSION OF DEATH."

ejcsanfran (#489)

ANNND I am dead. I have literally died.

@ejcsanfran I WILL BITE UR SHINS!!!

Mr. B (#10,093)

Also, "coccyx cleavage."

parallel-lines (#13,150)

The opening in the back was a little bit, ahem…goatse. Yes, it's a weird opening. And I said it.

I watched the original Twilight last night because it was on FX and I was tired and my poor boyfriend came home to me ranting, screaming and freaking out. "Hold on spider monkey!" I'm still not quite okay even after a good night's sleep.

parallel-lines (#13,150)

@parallel-lines And just in case you like a weird goaste back, there is a whole line of Twilight themed wedding attire coming out soon:

alluson (#182,084)

I hate myself for knowing this (NO I DON'T) and SPOILER ALERT but the baby-vamp grows rapidly and OH MY GOD everyone is so skerred, but eventually it slows down and she stays a teenage forever. With teenagers for parents.

@alluson CLEARLY a meta4 for how social hierarchies have melted away in the post-war era leaving a flat social structure between parent and child. one that is mainly stuck in late stage adolescence ?!? OH STEPH

zidaane (#373)

@alluson Do they share clothes?

alluson (#182,084)

@Natasha Vargas-Cooper Whew. And here I was thinking Stephy had the emotional range of a teaspoon (hat tip Hermione Granger)

deepomega (#1,720)


If he fucked the bed to pieces maybe they should get an industrial-strength sex swing? I would think he'd be prepared for the practical concerns of his monstrous penis, especially with the preparation involved in a wedding.

I love you Awl so, so much for this. For realsies, the CGI baby-smirk at the end, when Tay Tay "imprints", was they tryin to make that baby sexy?

Cause it was.

roboloki (#1,724)

@Anna Bakken@facebook bringing sexy back….way back.

THANK YOU FOR THIS LADIES. Listened to the new Rihanna while reading and had a great time.

hockeymom (#143)

This is one movie my kid is going to have to sneak behind my back and lie to my face to see.
I assume she is plotting that exact thing as we speak.

C_Webb (#855)

@hockeymom I let my daughter go with a slumber party. She wasn't into it at all; I asked her what it was about and she said, "Mom, the only person who can tell that story without it sounding completely ridiculous is Stephenie Meyer."

liznieve (#7,691)

@C_Webb You have a good egg, there.

MaTherese (#182,458)

@hockeymom My daughter begged on me to go watch with her. And I did, oh my. what a bonding time.

This blog. Truth. I can't even!

Somebody get me an Orange Julius.

goedkoopste (#182,462)

this movie is amazing i want to watch this again and again..

So, re. that second-to-last picture: Aliens-era Sigourney Weaver is somehow in this movie?

MParcells (#375)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose RIGHT? The whole time I'm picturing a baby vampire jumping out of a stomach, a la Alien.

NFK (#8,747)

In another life I used to mess about with White Wolf games, and had a passing fondness for complex vampire mythologies.

Then the twi-hards came.

Now I just want to go die in a fire every time someone talks about bloodsuckers. Especially if they are sparkly bloodsuckers.

I'm asking this because my sarcasm detector is temporarily broken…did you two LIKE this movie or think it was teh suck?

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