I am very sad to see right now, in August, it is “Back to School” time for many of The Children of America. Right now. In August! That is a total rip-off, kids, seriously, you got screwed. There is not supposed to be School in August, unless it is the “Summer School,” because it is Summer! “Summer School” is supposed to be Punitive or Remedial and stuff! There’s no School-school in Summer! It was bad enough when I was in the Target store last week looking for a new bathing suit and a deal on one of those brushes for scraping the barbeque-gook off my Weber and there were no bathing suits left and I saw a whole “Back to School” area with pencils and books and stuff already looking like a wasteland, all picked-over for bargains. That’s just depressing. I don’t want to see that in My Summer, man, I’m still purchasing items for my above-ground pool!
It’s still Summertime! I cry for The Children, because I hate school, and one of the few perks of being an Adult-American is I don’t ever, ever, have to ever go Back to School. Ever. I can’t believe some of The Children have to be in a sweaty classroom in the beautiful month of August, the Anchor Leg, if you will, of the Summer relay race. August is sweaty! August is the month that is here to remind you of all you will wish you had to complain about when you step in your first slush puddle or have that first loss of sensation in your pinky toe from the Winter Coldness.
You will be like, “ARGH! My sinuses! Why do I have ice crystals forming inside my nose-holes simply from attempting to breathe in this Winter Wonderland? Ow! I cannot feel my fifth metatarsal bone and portions of its associated phalanges! My pinky toe is dead! I forgot to put on my ‘smart wool’ socks today! Also! I can’t feel my face! I need a ‘muffler’ for my face! Wait!?! Can I not feel my face because of the facial numbness, or because I don’t have gloves on and my fingers are frozen? The wind hurts! Why can’t it be summer when I don’t have to wear hardly any clothes?” Sweating is good for you!
Speaking of sweating, how about this Global Warming, eh? All these “opinions” about how it’s Man-Made, or it’s just The Weather, and sure, it’s bad, but having factories and cars and stuff doesn’t matter, or we (as in, the U.S.) have to take credit for our Carbons and try to get the Chinese to keep riding bicycles instead of shiny new Buicks, and they (as in The People’s Republic) are like, “Screw you, Yankee Doodle, it’s Our Turn!!” You go ahead and ride a fucking bicycle, we’ll sell you as many bicycles as you can pay us for!”
Everybody kinda agrees on Global Warming, like, there is definitely Climate Change happening, with drowning Polar Bears and Greenland turning into an actual green land, but nobody really agrees on what’s causing it because of the Politics, right? Even after you think somebody agrees on it, such as former governor Mitt Romney who wants to be President of the United States of America, he ends up saying we don’t have money in the budget to fix anything because we have to make the Economy better, right?
That is probably one of the “Platform Planks” on his “Platform” that they will be “building” at the Republican’s Convention this week in Florida, eh? Are you aware of this thing, this “Convention?” Does anybody care about this thing except the Teevee News and people like me who have a column to poop out? Lots of newspeople think it is funny or noteworthy that the Republicans have shortened the Convention because of The Weather, like, “hey, look, the Republicans don’t believe in Climate Warming, but look, a Tropical Storm and/or Hurricane may very well smite their Conventioneering, like THE LORD or something, Science!” But I think they just shortened it because there’s not much going on, conventionwise, you know? As boring as the Average Person might think this thing is going to be, it’s going to be even more boring because of the guy they (as in the People’s Republicans) are going to nominate to run against POTUS Obama, so they are going to keep this thing short and sweet, say lots of Bad Things about POTUS and then get that photo-op of Romney and the guy he picked to be his Vice-President, and all their families and stuff, and then Seacrest 5000, you know! All I can think about with this is if these Republicans are so much better than Obama at Business and doing Government, why did they choose to have their convention in Florida during hurricane season? It’s one thing not to believe in Global Warming Due To Climate Change, but you should at least believe in The Weather.
Previously: Some Advice On Sleeping
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