Man, I love to sleep. Sleeping is one of my Super Powers, I’m not kidding, I can go to sleep anywhere, any time, on any mode of transportation, I can achieve the Rapid Eye Movement or whatever the good part of sleep is right away. I can get a good night’s sleep, like eight hours, nine hours, ten hours, eleven hours, and come to and still be looking forward to a nap later, or maybe even a little lie-down after I get up and perform my morning ablutions, or afternoon-blutions, even. What’s for breakfast, lunch? Twelve hours, I can sleep.
Sleeping, to me, is one of the most enjoyable things in life. Otherwise why would most of us do it for like eight hours a day? Or more? Sleeping is when you don’t have to do anything for anybody! “Me Time,” if you will, or “You Time” or whatever. Also, all the wilde träume you get to have where you are flying or being nude without your homework! Not including nightmares, I enjoy dreaming, but there’s this one non-nightmare dream I really do not enjoy, and that is the one where you are dreaming about being at Work? Argh! What a waste of a dream, man, seriously. You are supposed to Get Paid to be at work, and here I am dreaming about being at my desk moving my stupid computer mouse, click-click-zzz, that is the crappiest dream of all time. That dream is so boring it makes me fall asleep inside my dream, at my dream-desk, only it’s not like my “Dream Desk,” as in the desk I wish I could have so much I dream about it, because seriously: see above.
Recently I have spent a lot of my sleepytime-nitenites inside of my dreams controlling them, I’m not kidding, you can do that, especially if you dream the same dream a lot, and you don’t like the way it turns out, you can get inside of it and run it, and not like that stupid movie Inception, although there were some cool parts to it, the movie. I wish I could go to sleep and dream the movie Inception and make it better.
You people out there who cannot get to go to sleep, you have my sleepiest sympathies. I see the ads on TV all the time about how you have to resort to giant butterflies and “cold medicine,” and I feel bad for you and I hear about Ambiens and Prescription Medications, and now I guess there’s a Tylenol PM without the Tylenol in it, just the PM part?
I don’t get it. Do you have a night shift at work so you’re trying to sleep during the day? Do you ever get any good sleep? Are you always awake, and then you can’t sleep, or is it that you can’t sleep under pressure, like when it’s supposed to be Time to Sleep, do you get stressed out about it, and then you can’t sleep, and then when you are supposed to be Not Asleep, like at your click-click-job or something, is it then that you maybe wish you could sleep but you are slugging down coffee with four shots of espresso in it and Five Hour Energies and Sugar Free Rockstar “energy drinks” and stuff?
But then later when you are done with your whole day of Being Tired, What do you do then, do you lie in bed still not being able to sleep? Do you try, really try hard, to go to sleep? You can’t do that, right? Concentrate on going to sleep? You have to Not Concentrate to sleep! I’m good at that, not concentrating on stuff.
I think maybe I could do a seminar at The Learning Annex of a local Junior College or something on How to Sleep. First off is Television, which is the Greatest Non-Narcotic Sleep Aid ever. Sometimes I fall asleep in front of the TV. That’s not good because it can screw up your Sleep Hygiene, which is very important for people who can’t sleep. You’re supposed to have a Sleeping Chamber, where pretty much all you do is sleep. If you are living on somebody’s couch, that could be a real problem, so I would suggest constructing some kinda tent over your area so there’s a Chamber-ish quality to your area. It could just be a sheet or a blanket, but I think it would create a good Environment, if you are on somebody’s couch. Generally I think if you are mooching some couch, you’re already in a bad mental state, so I would suggest finding better accommodations, most importantly so you can have a Television all to yourself.
I don’t like the Internet as much as TV, because with the Internet, you have to Do Something, you know? You have to click on stuff or read things or think thoughts. Television does not require any of that, all you gotta do is make a selection and sit there. My training for you initially would be you should sit in front of the TV with it off, and then later turn it on, but don’t change the channel, just watch whatever is on.
TV is great because you don’t have to Concentrate, all you have to do is let it glow at you, the TV, and you are Watching Television. I think watching Television on the Computer is too much like Work, so I would Proscribe that, as your Sleep Coach. Learn about TV, and sitting in front of it at a distance, as it emanates. You are like a Rock in one of those “Zen Gardens,” where the waves of Television meet you and then surround you as they move on to Outer Space and The Infinite, forever moving out, Television is, not judging who gets to watch it. As Television moves over you and Through you, part of you is now moving out into space, Forever. Go to sleep.
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