Reader, I…

Tweeted her.1
Translated her.2
Gave in at last, I did indeed.3

Divorced her.4
Ate her dust.5

Fucked him.6
Shagged him.7
Banged him, and we laughed and sighed and then reminisced.8

Dumped him.9
Made him up.10


Ate an entire cow.14
Marinated it.15
Drank it, and I’d gladly do so again, at the dessert hour, as long as there’s freshly grated cinnamon around.16

Assure you, my duties are those of a grave historian.17
Hope you don’t believe them.18

1The Telegraph,, “Reader, I Tweeted Her” [source]
2Global Times, “Reader, I translated her” [source]
3A Painter’s Camp in the Highlands, And Thoughts About Art, Philip Gilbert Hamerton [source]
4New York Times, “Reader, I Divorced Her [source]
5Tablet Magazine, “Jews Biking for the Environment” [source]
6With This Ring, I Thee Bed, Alison Tyler [source]
7The Guardian, “Reader, I shagged him” [source]
8SF Weekly, ““Ex Ed” [source]
9The New York Times, “Reader, I Dumped Him” [source]
10The New Republic, “Reader, I Made Him Up” [source]
11The Chicago-Sun Times, “Death At A Funeral” [source]
12The Boston Globe, “Love story elicits tears and raises questions” [source]
13 Slate, “Boo!” [source]
14Seattle Magazine, “Reader, I Ate An Entire Cow” [source]
15The Independent, “Reader, I marinated it” [source]
16 Slate, “Pisco” [source]
17The Popular Science Monthly, “My Spider” [source]
18Letters on Several Subjects, Rev. Martin Sherlock [source]

Previously: It Is A Truth Universally Acknowledged…, On The Internet Nobody Knows You’re A… and A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To…

Elon Green writes supply-sider agitprop for ThinkProgress and Alternet.