Reader, I…

Tweeted her.1
Translated her.2
Gave in at last, I did indeed.3

Divorced her.4
Ate her dust.5

Fucked him.6
Shagged him.7
Banged him, and we laughed and sighed and then reminisced.8

Dumped him.9
Made him up.10


Ate an entire cow.14
Marinated it.15
Drank it, and I’d gladly do so again, at the dessert hour, as long as there’s freshly grated cinnamon around.16

Assure you, my duties are those of a grave historian.17
Hope you don’t believe them.18

1 The Telegraph,, “Reader, I Tweeted Her” [source]
2 Global Times, “Reader, I translated her” [source]
3 A Painter’s Camp in the Highlands, And Thoughts About Art, Philip Gilbert Hamerton [source]
4 New York Times, “Reader, I Divorced Her [source]
5 Tablet Magazine, “Jews Biking for the Environment” [source]
6 With This Ring, I Thee Bed, Alison Tyler [source]
7 The Guardian, “Reader, I shagged him” [source]
8 SF Weekly, ““Ex Ed” [source]
9 The New York Times, “Reader, I Dumped Him” [source]
10 The New Republic, “Reader, I Made Him Up” [source]
11 The Chicago-Sun Times, “Death At A Funeral” [source]
12 The Boston Globe, “Love story elicits tears and raises questions” [source]
13 Slate, “Boo!” [source]
14 Seattle Magazine, “Reader, I Ate An Entire Cow” [source]
15 The Independent, “Reader, I marinated it” [source]
16 Slate, “Pisco” [source]
17 The Popular Science Monthly, “My Spider” [source]
18 Letters on Several Subjects, Rev. Martin Sherlock [source]

Previously: It Is A Truth Universally Acknowledged…, On The Internet Nobody Knows You’re A… and A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To…

Elon Green writes supply-sider agitprop for ThinkProgress and Alternet.