How to Fucking Vote

It’s the first Tuesday in November, so you know what that means? That’s right: it’s time to fucking vote.

There will be no whining about not making any real difference, like that bullshit Freakonomics piece argued, or the weather, or the complete dearth of respectable candidates. This is your duty as an American. And being guilted into voting is what it means to be American. You do consider yourself an American, don’t you?

Hold on. No. You don’t just run the fuck out and yank that lever. Voting takes preparation. You can’t just “figure it out when you get there.” That’s how you ended up with that Camry with radiator problems, remember? Before you slouch back into that high school gymnasium where that thing you maybe don’t want to talk about once happened, you have to figure out exactly which poor bastard is going to be awarded for best spending his (or even her) television advertising money.

Now, I’m not going to ask you if you’ve read the position papers from all the candidates. Not because I don’t want to embarrass you, but look, I get it, The 40 Year Old Virgin was on and who doesn’t always end up watching the rest of that? And mom needed her insulin injection and, yes, Farmville animals fucking die if not tended.

Here’s a few easy tricks so you can correctly identify your party in about five minutes.

• Look around your house. Did you find a firearm? Did you expect to find one? Yes? Do you fear losing it? Fuck all the other considerations, you’re voting for every Republican on that fucking ballot. Yes, even the fucking comptroller because, who knows. Sure, some of those Dems in more rural states may have been blowing smoke up everyone’s asses about being pro-gun, but how can you be sure? By voting for NRA-endorsed fucking Republicans, that’s how.

• Find drug “paraphernalia?” You’re voting Democrat. Find a subscription to The New Yorker? Dem. Field and Stream? Republican. Guns and Ammo? Libertarian. Garden & Gun? Tricky: Democrat! Find an old Dixie flag? You’re voting Republican. Find a union membership card? Democrat. A Huffington Post bookmark? Democrat.

• While you’re looking around the house, look for pictures of Jesus Christ. Maybe crucifixes? Did you find some? Nearly everyone on the ballot is Christian, so you can’t fucking lose!

• Did you find some religious imagery that isn’t Jesus? Are you sure you’re qualified to vote? Just don’t bother—some bastard down there might challenge you on account of your garb. How embarrassing would that be? Stay home and cook yourself some fucking hummus instead.

• Do you in any way consider yourself part of the non-partisan “Tea Party” movement? It’s tricky but here’s a not-too-complicated tactic to identify the tea party candidates running against the “politics as usual” candidiate in each race. Just run your finger down the ballot next to each name. Do you see an “R?” There you go! That’s the tea party candidate!

• Look in the mirror. Who is staring back at you? Does it resemble an artist sketch of a person of interest the authorities are frequently seeking for questioning? Yes? You’ll be voting Democrat. Oh, and drive very carefully on your way to the polls. All they need is one reason and you’ll be not voting… from jail.

• Now, stand up straight and say “Hello.” Did it come out as “Hola?” Then forget voting and stay home to feed that anchor baby. Hasn’t this country already done enough for you?

• One last test, before you run to the polls, take a good look at this picture.

Now, did that turn you on? You’re voting fucking Democrat. Uh oh. You’re very distraught that you were turned on by that? Then forget voting, just get down to City Hall immediately and file paperwork, because people should be fucking voting for you!

I’m sorry, say again? Oh, you want to suss out individual candidates to vote for? Good one! Just fucking vote the ticket. You think you’re really going to put in the time to figure out the position differences in the candidates for sheriff? The state assemblymen? Pfffffffft. Please.

And that’s right, we didn’t cover economics. Sure that’s what the pundits say is the driving theme of this election. But you know why we didn’t cover that? Because despite all the position papers in the world, nobody on any ballot today actually knows one fucking thing about how to genuinely improve the economy. So just vote on the other shit.

Okay, now you’re ready to to go. You want a drink first? No sweat, ease the weight of all that patriotic responsibility with a glass of wine. Make it red. And make it big and chubby. Hell yeah, use those middle-age lady goblet glasses. Most Americans were hammered for the first 100 years of voting. If you live in Wisconsin though, you’ll probably want to be sure to vote for incumbent attorney general J.B. Van Hollen over challenger Scott Hassett, especially if you drive better after a few drinks.

Right, of course: you should probably find your fucking polling place first.

Once you get there, while in line, take some time to ponder how good it feels to be an American. Consider this: In a nation where voting is considered the ultimate honor and duty, one can get a cooked 1/2-pound of beef laid out on a toasted piece of bread with lettuce and cheese and a side of a peeled and sliced potato deep fried in oil with an iced and carbonated beverage in a fraction of the time and in more locations than it takes to cast a fucking vote.

Bring your child? Great. Go ahead and take him or her in the voting booth with you. There’s no way for a child to better learn about the democratic process than to watch a parent exercise the right to select political representation. Plus, the experience will serve as a sweet memory to pass down to his or her children after the right to vote is eliminated by their Chinese overlords.

Now, you may have a lever to pull or a screen to touch or some little holes to punch out. Take your fucking time with this. Read the fucking directions. There’s nobody watching you, so it’s not like you’ll embarrass yourself or look “uncool.” Can we please have just one goddamn activity in the fucking country that one doesn’t have to do while at the same time being “attractive?” Is that too much to ask!?

Now that you got that down, find those candidates you selected earlier.

What’s that? You didn’t plan on voting but you got all excited about that way fucking awesome Daily Show rally this weekend and even though you kinda went there on a lark to hang and be part of the party you ended up, like, somehow coming to understand that this shit is serious and that young people better cowboy the fuck up because ain’t nobody else looking out for my future and shit’s just getting way stupid and we all best be doing something about it? Well, good for you. Get out there and be counted. You did remember to register last month, right? Oh. You didn’t, did you, dipshit. Actually no: good intentions don’t mean shit in an election.

Oh, your child just exercised his right to make a political statement in his pants? Just go right ahead and use the voting table to swap that dirty nappie. Indeed, this is the only likely change that will result from you going into that booth anyway.

Okie dokie! Done? That’s great. Give a smile to the old ladies manning that poll. Those old battle-axes are the lube of the democratic process. Without them, we’d have to have Mexicans run the whole operation.

Hey, what the fuck is that? A sticker? “I voted?” You think our founding fathers would have worn fucking stickers? Do you know WHY they even give those out? Because voting is so rare that Americans have to be proud that they did it at all, like they deserve some kind of fucking medal. Know what your medal is, jerkwad? A dumbaas sticker.

Should you have a job, it’s time to hustle off to work. Employers are legally bound to allow you time to vote… Riiiiiight. Ha, a job.

Finally, when you get home, don’t turn on the 24-hour squawking nincompoops to see if your team won. Fuck them. Be confident you did all you fucking could to make this country a better place despite itself.

Go ahead and cook yourself a fucking steak instead. You deserve it, you goddamn patriot.

Abe Sauer won’t be accidentally voting green.