Friday, November 20th, 2009
166

How To Cook A Fucking Steak

It's a butterflied ribeye, dumbassesGo to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don't give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fuck—it should scorch the shit out of your finger if you're stupid enough to touch it—put the fucking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don't even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shit over and do the same fucking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When you're done, sling that shit on a plate. Beringer's 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you've taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because that's what you eat with a fucking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you.

166 Comments / Post A Comment

Sproing (#561)

I am so fucking hungry right now.

fek (#93)

Fuck you.

SteelyStan (#2,420)

Hey man, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

earlydinner (#1,816)

you really should cite your sources if you're going to quote at length from jacques pepin like this.

mathnet (#27)

I am so fucking turned-on right now.

LondonLee (#922)

It was "bone-in" that did it, wasn't it?

Rod T (#33)

You. Come here. Get under my desk.

MATHY! I just figured out the Square One ref and now am in LUH. So tarded.

mathnet (#27)

tardedly awesome! And, Frankly, confusing, with multiple identities like a superhero so JUST RIGHT.

wb (#2,214)

Shouldn't you let that motherfucker rest a bit before slicing it the fuck open?

Fuck yeah, 5 – 10 mins.

wb (#2,214)

Don't want the fucker to bleed out.

Rod T (#33)

I totally got a chub reading this. Unless it's pot cookies, keep it simple suckers.

IF there is a gay Balk out there, please let you know as I'm looking for you.

Rod T (#33)

"please let ME know"

Rod T (#33)

Also fuckable? A gay Mary Choi.

HiredGoons (#603)

I have alluded to similar things.

SquarePeg (#1,098)

Total gay Mary Choi gang bang.

Mindpowered (#948)

World's Choiest Gangbang.

LittleLolly (#458)

A heart-warming tale about a man and his meat.

THIS IS COMPLETE HORSEHIT. COOKING A STEAK IS WAY HARDER THAN THIS.

I've tried to show off WHAT A DOWN BITCH I AM by making my man a hearty piece of meat (hoping that his ancient man spirit would be conjured out of that post-gender husk he dwelled in) But that shit burns fast and APPARENTLY when there's more fat on that meat it burns quicker. So I'm left a quarter pound of CHAR, an hungry fairy who keeps talking about 'microgreens', and failed sense of domestic abilities. RUINOUS.

FUCK A STEAK.

iplaudius (#1,066)

That parenthetical remark is the best thing I've ever read about contemporary enlightened gender relations.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

I'm sorry but bitch selects that wussy shit in the first place has no right to complain she's getting undermanned. You are not going to make your partner sprout some virility just by frying him some meat.

Does someone need an unfeeling caveman?

… ahem…

chaddo (#2,279)

Your comment was so fucking good I actually registered just to help. If your having troubles making a good mother-fucking steak then stop using pussy equipment. Get yourself a cast iron skillet – not some limp wristed teflon "cookware" but a mother-fucking skillet. Something you could use to kill zombies when the time comes.

Now, follow the directions above but with a slight difference. Put your fucking oven on hot as all fuck as well. Then, toss your steak on the skillet for thirty seconds 'til it's seared like Two-Face then flip it and do the same. After the two sides look like it's starting to become the quarter pound of char take the skillet and put it in the oven – but not with your bare-ass hands unless you feel like needing help wiping after taking a leak!

Cook in the oven at about 500 for two and a half minutes, flip and repeat. Now all that fucking fat is going to stay sealed in the sears you laid down before. I suggest also you get some oil for this job – peanut oil preferably. It has a high tolerance for pain and won't smoke until over 500 degrees.

I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE.

mathnet (#27)

DON'T WORRY IF YOU GO TOO LONG WITHOUT GIVING ME A <3 I WILL TOTALLY TEXT SOMEONE

allyzay (#321)

Jesus christ, Natasha, I was a vegetarian for TEN YEARS and I can make a steak without burning it! (The secret is don't cook it at all because A REAL BOYFRIEND WILL JUST EAT THAT SHIT RAW).

solipsister (#2,283)

I feel you, NVC. Not to mention the way the house smells like scorched animal for three days thereafter.

gardzilla (#3,087)

k checkit, men (ok…REAL men) like the smell of a few things in the air at the pad when they are present, one is the scorched animal…t'other is scorched gooch. Both took some effort to get that sweet perfume into the fuckin air. AND WHAT THE WEEPING BABY JESUS FUCK is this about cooking the wonder that is stake in a fucking pan on a fucking stove or in a fucking oven? you want that shit done right and you want to feel like your fucking club wielding ancestors of old you go buy a fucking grill and you cook that motherfucker over the fucking fire like your hunter gatherer take no shit from no motherfucker ancestors did, as a matter of fact, fuck the grill, just get you some fucking wood and a fucking sharp stick and slow turn that fucking protien packed goodness that is responsible for our ability for abstract thought and complex motherfucking tool making until YOU decide its done, and if your "guests" dont like the way that shit tastes, throw their asses on that fucking fire and ask if the rest would like fucking seconds…

word.

@Natasha Vargas-Cooper you are now my hero. Tlletilsynet, well, yes, it happens to the best of us.

Is it wrong of me to have sexual feelings for a website?

HiredGoons (#603)

If so, I don't want to be right.

elecampane (#1,877)

I have been struggling with that very question all week.

Ronit (#1,557)

I want to fuck either Balk or Choire on a daily basis. And I'm not even gay.

I prefer a t-bone or porterhouse. And when I cook one all the smoke alarms (3) go off so I have to open all the windows and doors and then light candles to get rid of the seared flesh smell.

Balk's recipe for Boeuf Bourguignon is 15,000 words long.

gumplr (#66)

Most are just four-letters long.

Matt (#26)

WRONG. Take it out of the plastic and EAT IT.

Br. Seamus (#217)

Run that fucker through a warm room.

HiredGoons (#603)

I think that Balk is actually George Carlin, who faked his own death.

Nope. Carlin died. Balk cooked him up nice though.

Maevemealone (#968)

I just smacked myself across the face through the tears.

iplaudius (#1,066)

I love how the thought of wine temporarily restrains his fury.

Dave Bry (#422)

That was my favorite part, too. Cheers to the whole thing, though.

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

ME TOO. I thought and hoped that this'd be BALK and it was! God Bry remember when I started by night with a Jameson with you AND IT WAS A BAD IDEA??!!

KarenUhOh (#19)

[They're also good pan-seared and finished in the oven. 350 for 8-10 ought to do it. And a nice Scotch (or BOURBON!! Okay? Jesus!!) works just as well as your not-the-best-90s-year Cab.]

You fucker.

sigerson (#179)

Midleton Very Rare for me, thanks. Or a Ridge Geyserville Red Zinfandel (don't mock that shit, motherfucker, Cali red zin is rocket-fuel powerful)

Bittersweet (#765)

Red Zin! Perfect with steak, mofos.

*sound of mouth watering*

Cali red zin can cook the fucking steak, no heat required.

You guys don't need to modify "Cali" and "zin" with "red".

Because anyone that immediately associates zin with that pink shit is fucking retarded.

KenWheaton (#401)

Looks like Balk quit following everyone except "Shit My Dad Says" on Twitter.

brent_cox (#40)

And so endeth the recipe posts.

garge (#736)

I hopeth not!

jfruh (#713)

There will be one more. It will be entitled "How to make spaghetti and meatballs, by the awl staff", and when you click on it to open the post your Web browser will just punch you in the teeth.

elecampane (#1,877)

@jfruh better: "how to make a knuckle sandwich"

Why does Balk need a hot fucking pan when he could cook the steak with the rage that burns in his loins?

God damn it! This whole series is making me rethink anything I've ever thought or written about food. Also, I want to cook a fucking steak for dinner! With macaroni and cheese. And I'll probably bake a mother fucking apple pie after that!

I have OTHER PLANS this weekend. Pleaase stop writing these or I will cancel them!

HiredGoons (#603)

Just stuff a steak, a pie, and mac n' cheese into a turkey and barbecue that bitch.

Mindpowered (#948)

DEEP FRY DAMMIT.

With Mars Bars

HiredGoons (#603)

*call me

spanish bombs (#562)

Haha, I was going to make fun of how it is cute when apartment-dwellers try to convince themselves that you can make a good steak without a grill, but then I realized that Balk was using his (apparently mandatory?) recipe sharing to make fun of The Shadow Editor's extremely silly post. That, or there is something in the water.

My propane grill does not get hot enough to properly sear and char the flesh to my liking.

kneetoe (#1,881)

Yes the hidden premise behind this how-to guide to steak cooking is that you're not man enough to rub some sticks together and start a real fire.

Multiphasic (#411)

Nothing gets you through the workday like two straight men domestically abusing each other.

brianvan (#149)

Where do I send article pitches around here?

HOW TO FFFFFFFUUUUUUU MAKE A FUCK FUCK BOWL OF CEREAL FUCK

First, get a cereal bowl. FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCK. Add about a cup and a half of ASDFJHSLDGHKLSDG OMG BITCH raisin bran. Pour in a cup of JESUS CHRIST I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB!!

FUUUUUUUCK! CUNT!

milk. There, all done!

cherrispryte (#444)

Needs more smoking.

Needs more glassing.

ProfessorBen (#1,254)

Ira Glassing

Ooh. I hadn't thought of the stabbing bit. I like it.

Dan Kois (#646)

I wanted to do one of these, but for boeuf bourgignon.

Also, Balk: Don't just do the whole thing on the stovetop! That is LITERALLY a recipe for burned steak. Cast-iron skillet, salt yes, 500 degree oven, superhot pan on range, drop steak in, immediately move to oven, flip steak over after a few minutes, take out, let rest, eat. YOU ASSHOLE.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Every piece of protien should be seared and baked in the above fashion. Beef, lamb, fish, chicken. Works every time. (except turn oven temp down for the lighter colored proteins).

kneetoe (#1,881)

Please do not forget about the proteins that require slow and low.

Slow and low? Tell us more!

kneetoe (#1,881)

Sometimes the phrase is used to describe how to barbecue (say, a turkey)–low heat for a long time. But it has its other meanings.

Nonsense. The shit doesn't stay rare in the oven. Nice 4 minute sear on both sides in a cast iron, and tons of rest. FIN.

(I also rub just a tiny bit of canola oil — ON THE STEAK ONLY!! — before tossing that fucker on the pan.)

(Oh, but yes. I do only cook fillets at home. Because I am a pussy.)

Dan Kois (#646)

It does if you start with a really thick steak.

Sorry, a really FUCKING thick steak.

Balk is actually cooking a steak wrong. He is now banned from the cooking section.

Alex Balk (#4)

Fuck you, you fucking fuck. My fucking steak kicks ass. My cooked steak brings all the goys to the yard. I'll fucking post a fucking cooking post any goddamned time it want. SUCK ON IT, you fuck.

HiredGoons (#603)

You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On.

garge (#736)

This was really sweet. Make sure to print a copy out for your hope chest.

Rod T (#33)

Being mean to C makes you less fuckable B.
xoxo

jolie (#16)

I will quite literally suck on whatever it is you'd like to be sucked on because this comment IS SO AWESOME. (But also? Mommy & Daddy please don't fight.)

Matt (#26)

PLEASE CONTINUE THESE SONG LYRICS IN A SEPARATE POST, PLEASE.

mathnet (#27)

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TOM SCOCCA

Tulletilsynet (#333)

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! (Circle forms.)

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

WHOA. that balk comment played in my head as Cartman so hard.

Hobbesian (#255)

BEAR GREASE.

NO, MEAT GLUE.

jolie, maybe they will have make up sex.

hockeymom (#143)

hmmmm. Thinking about a pitch to Food Network. "Angry Cooking with The Awl".

Balk's face will be pixelated.

garge (#736)

Or they would just show his hands and midsection

HiredGoons (#603)

It would be feet, like Nanny from Muppet Babies.

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

STRIPED TIGHTS!

Mindpowered (#948)

Bitchslapping Meats.

Culinary Death Matches.

karion (#11)

I just want to see Balk on Emily's food show, in this character.

LotaLota (#1,703)

"Rage Cuisine"

okayfine (#1,841)

balk is definitely cooking this steak wrong. three to five minutes a side? fucking pansy. let that shit bleed a little; it died for you, didn't it?

fek (#93)

OTHER SIDES?! Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Somebody needs to do a mashup video of Alex and Choire cooking with The Departed.

fek (#93)

#ItalicsFail

narnio (#38)

I would just like to add that a single clove of garlic is NICE but not NECESSARY.

Further, I made this last night (basically) and thoroughly enjoyed reviewing my meal choice on TheAwlinary Review.

Mindpowered (#948)

A new kind of Balkanization.

Original quote "If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip them up a salad, then explain my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"

Balkanized quote:

If any dumbshit fucking vegans came over for goddamn motherfucking dinner, I could whip the living shit out of them (and make a salad), then strap their pathetic asses down and explain my fucking awesome philosophy on being a righteous fucking carnivore: If that big asshole God had not intended for us to eat bears, how come He made them out of sweet rich just fucking waiting to be seared bear meat?

Mindpowered (#948)

Taken from Mrs Palins latest tome. Balkanization from Balk.

Bittersweet (#765)

Too bad she didn't write it like that…would've been much more entertaining.

NinetyNine (#98)

A: Is Mamet ghostwriting for y'awl now?

NinetyNine (#98)

There is no 'B'

HiredGoons (#603)

Since when did David Mamet write recipes?

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Amen, sister. I could sit here and be entertained by this for hours – unlike anything David Fucking Mamet ever wrote.

HiredGoons (#603)

Fuck you Fucking Tuna Fucking Su-fucking-prise. Ya' fuck.

I think the pic is of a porkchop.

/pleasem, don't swear at me.

Alex Balk (#4)

Go fuck yourself.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Okay, try swearing at this, Balk. Let's see you do it.

AbeFroman (#2,409)

Actually, I believe it's a lamb chop.

Dumbasses.

missdelite (#625)

Great..I'll bring the salad.
(*ducks flying chair)

josh_speed (#97)

Tony Bourdain actually talks like this.

Dave Bry (#422)

I think all of this serves as a sort of abstract homage to the wonderful first installment of the Awl's poetry section. And the words "suck" and "fuck" go so nicely with steak and red wine. I think Biggie maybe put it best:

"Your girl fucked my man Jacob
Heard in the three weeks
She sniffed a whole half of cake up
Heard she suck a good dick
And can hook a steak up
Gotta go, gotta go
More pies to bake up"

maebefunke (#154)

Is that a line from "New Moon"?

Dave Bry (#422)

Whoops. Citation: "Ten Crack Commandments," from 1997's Life After Death album.

Hez (#147)

I love steak, Balk and swearing so much that if this was the last thing I ever read on the Internet, I could die happy.

I'm gonna defrost the shit out of the steak in my motherfucking crammed-to-the-cunt freezer right now and none of you cockfaces better try and stop me.

jennie (#25)

balk should probably write some poetry

Mindpowered (#948)

You shitheads most be so fucking proud. Food posts "and yes I am including "Ethnic Dong" and other flavours in this you nitpicky, savannah fucking chimps, are the most ass-rapingly popular on whole goddamn website. All except the Mac & Cheese. Because Mac & Cheese fucking sucks.

So why don't we all for an internet Friday night go over to the Mac & Cheese post smash it bloody and push that fucking film review off.

Argh… (rips monitor off computer and throws it the window)

NinetyNine (#98)

I'm actually going to make a steak right fucking now. Actually, after I finish this fucking bourbon. Thing is, I use the broiler. Why? Cause then I don't have to scrub a fucking pan after.

LotaLota (#1,703)

Somewhere in Balk's fridge a custard is quivering in terror, knowing any minute now that Balk is going to Open.The.Fucking.Door…

Remember that word "metrosexual"?

This is the exact opposite of that.

DirkVA (#2,359)

Of course it comes to the same hot mansex in the end.

sisisiesta (#2,287)

Why the hell did you use a picture of a pork chop?

maebefunke (#154)

I love how the comments after the cooking post are all about people's sexual feelings for Awl writers. Although NVC and Abe didn't get enough attention. I would make out with you both-AT THE SAME TIME.

ExcrementOccurs (#2,290)

Salad is what my fucking dinner has for fucking breakfast.

Mad_Scotsman (#5,155)

Too fucking right. We didn't get to the top of the food chain to munch fucking lentils.

andrea (#1,025)

I would buy this fucking cookbook.

tam (#2,297)

Is there any other way…..
I'm off to the store now.

Needs cigarette.

BoHan (#29)

Fuck that. Who fucking cleans dishes?

BoHan (#29)

I meant to reply to an earlier post, so fuck me.

Me (#389)

Actually, this is not a very good way to cook a steak.

greenleafrain (#2,316)

This is a bullshit way to cook a steak, when you're searing it you need vegetable oil with the salt and you want to sear the salt in on both sides, then you add COMPOUND BUTTER or I dont fucking care SMART BALANCE to the seared salty side of the meat because it soaks in and that makes it less like the texture of ukrainian salted fish. Then you make sure you that you did all this in a manly ass cast-iron skillet, which you stick in the oven for five minutes on broil, then you take it out with like 6 potholders so you dont get 3rd degree burns on your hand.

phlox (#204)

Good Gravy! There are as many ways to cook a great steak as there are to skin a dead cat.
I think you know where this is (FUCKING!)going…

I'm so fucking pissed I missed this when it was originally posted.

Fuck me running.

Carney (#117)

You forgot to add the you know you are doing it right when the fire alarm goes off and someone asks if you are burning something.

"No. I'm not fucking burning something. I'm cooking a fucking steak."

locomoco (#2,342)

Great fucking recipe! I'm now both hungry and horny. One question though – is fucking tofurkey a good substitute for fucking steak for those of us who are vegetarians?

dodo (#2,371)

ok this is my 1st time so I'm just going to tell all you freaks how to REALLY cook a steak. No wisecracks. No bullshit. I'm serious
Buy the cheapest slab you can find. London broil cheap – a 2 lb slab for 4 bucks.
Throw it on a cutting board and slice thin slices at an angle.
Dump some olive oil in a cast iron pan. Turn it on high.
Throw in some garlic. Let that brown a little.
Then throw in the mass of sliced steak and quickly stir it around.
Throw on some salt and chunky ground pepper.
Then throw the whole mess on a plate, scrape all the black oily shit from the pan on it, and eat it.
I'm not shitting you this will be the best FUCKING steak you've ever eaten.

sprayhawk (#2,600)

This fucking rocks. I wrote a "how to" about finals after reading this. Not quite as concise, but hell, finals are fucking complicated. Check it out: http://www.sprayhawk.com/2009/12/15/how-to-deal-with-finals/

danjrest (#3,029)

I am happy to read that I am not the only one turned on by this.

asshat (#3,039)

You're a toolbag poser… trying to be all manly man, but yet you suggested a specific wine to go with the steak. What the fuck are you? a god damn French? Drink beer you pussy. Also, it's motherfucking pneumonia not "ammonia" you dumb inbred piece of shit.

Garlic is the way to make a steak. In fact, you should throw in so much garlic that it'll make your ass destroy the toilet when you shit… so much garlic that you fart all day long and have a fart that last for 20 seconds that'll change notes at least 5 times and scare the dog out of the room. A real steak should be on the motherfucking grill, not a pan. I want the god damn charcoal taste… so much of it that I'll get cancer from it. Nice try noob.

UscrewU2 (#3,047)

Fuck that 3 to 5 minute cooking shit!
Knock the fuckin horns off, wipe its ass, cut er into chunks, and flame roast for 2 minutes.
Now were good to go.

Get your fucking head out of your ass and stop frying steak you pussy bastard.

Ya got something to say to me, you can say it at http://uscrewu2.blogspot.com/

Heywood Yablowme (#3,049)

Sounds like all you dick lickers need a hug.

I got some meat your lips can hug…

mamma goddess (#3,078)

I am so glad I found this post. I tell my husband all the time how to prepare a steak. Thanks for the simple instructions, surely the moron will be able to follow!

http://themammagoddess.blogspot.com/

gardzilla (#3,087)

k checkit, men (ok…REAL men) like the smell of a few things in the air at the pad when they are present, one is the scorched animal…t'other is scorched gooch. Both took some effort to get that sweet perfume into the fuckin air. AND WHAT THE WEEPING BABY JESUS FUCK is this about cooking the wonder that is stake in a fucking pan on a fucking stove or in a fucking oven? you want that shit done right and you want to feel like your fucking club wielding ancestors of old you go buy a fucking grill and you cook that motherfucker over the fucking fire like your hunter gatherer take no shit from no motherfucker ancestors did, as a matter of fact, fuck the grill, just get you some fucking wood and a fucking sharp stick and slow turn that fucking protien packed goodness that is responsible for our ability for abstract thought and complex motherfucking tool making until YOU decide its done, and if your "guests" dont like the way that shit tastes, throw their asses on that fucking fire and ask if the rest would like fucking seconds…

word.

solorbell (#3,139)

This article is about cooking steak. THAT picture shows a porkchop. Just sayin'.

rowan (#3,198)

pretty sure that's a pork chop. this is comin' from a consummate fuckin' carnivore.

MediumRare (#4,243)

Fried Steak!? OMFG! It figures that someone who'd put a picture of a pork-chop in their how-to cook a steak article would be fuckin' clueless 'bout cooking one.

Steak must be grilled on fire! FIRE. It's frikkin' fundamental. End of story. No argument.

Pans are for clueless, PANsy-ass wimps.

MediumRare (#4,243)

Fried in a pan… Geeezus.

Should have titled this "how to sacrilegiously disrespect a perfectly good slab of dead cow".

fb118872809 (#5,014)

Fucking Pork chop bullshit. take your salt and pepper and cast iron skillet and shove 'em up yer ass.

Mad_Scotsman (#5,155)

There is only one way to prepare a fucking steak; cut off it's horns, wipe it's ass, serve it up!

slurm (#5,769)

out-fucking-standing!

Mort Young (#9,769)

whut stake?

Krayt (#237,326)

the mother fucking post is called how to cook a steak, yet, the stupid mother fucking cunt,ass licking author inserts a fucking picture of a mother fucking pork chop. Nice going you fucking stupid, fat, trying to act as cool as me ball fondling faggot!

dhowe (#252,201)

I fucking love this article…really…just fucking love it!

UncleStu (#232,509)

I read this – including all the "fucks" in Esquire and on their web site a long time ago and I believe it is still there.

Still, it's a great way to cook a fucking steak.

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