How Little Patriots Are Made

David: If losing a football game feels like what Todd Haley looked like while he was scolding Josh McDaniels instead of shaking his hand after last Sunday’s Chiefs game, it must really suck.

Jeff: I like the idea of an angrier Haley. That he can’t get over some indignity and it festers. But, sadly, he apologized already to Broncos coach Josh McDaniels, like a day later. It’s important because there’s maybe one good football team west of the Mississippi, and a feud like this would have put them back on the map.

David: You saw the picture, though. He hasn’t gotten over shit. He’s screaming at people in the Safeway parking lot all week. They’re like, “Who’s Josh, why are you calling me Josh?” I wonder if a mentor-mode Bill Belichick saw the photo and called him after the game to break down tape.

David: “You should’ve had your hat pulled down more… been more gruff, less angry. And I personally would’ve worn a more ramshackle outfit, but I like where your head is at.” Belichick probably sent over some game tape of himself blowing off Mangini. “Thought this could help. Pay special attention to the ‘something bad happened in the bathroom’ facial expression I chose. XO, Bill”

Jeff: “Not to toot my own horn, but you should refer to this video as your own personal Zapruder film. Or fuck off. It’s your choice.”

David: I’m going to jog on past the popped collar on Haley’s khaki windbreaker—that sex-offender look—and point out that the way in which McDaniels dresses exactly like Belichick is just the dorkiest thing in the world.

Jeff: Josh “Slumber Party” McDaniels. Always has caramel corn stuck in his teeth. Wanting to make a fucking fort down in someone’s basement. Watch Cinemax After Dark.

David: Are there Pats fans that do that?

Jeff: Watch Cinemax After Dark? How do you think little Patriots are made?

David: Oh, I’m sure. I think the team retired Shannon Tweed’s number last year. I meant, do they dress like Belichick? Studiously distressing and de-sleeving their sweatshirts so as to enjoy a more full communion with the ulcer-in-chief on Sundays?

Jeff: I just witnessed the typical fan gear. The perma-hangover look. White people who refer to beer as either a)”cerveza,” b) “cold barley gazpacho” or c) “medicine.” Belichick hacks those sleeves off for function, not fashion. “If I spend 14 minutes a season rolling up my sleeves vs. just not having sleeves…that’s fourteen less minutes I can spend in the hot tub with Jon Bon Jovi and other close, personal friends. That’s why I work so hard.”

David: That’s valuable time in the hot tub with Richie Sambora, Adrian Zmed, Gov. Chris Christie and a surprisingly toned Bob Ryan. A lot of water displaced by all that star power.

Jeff: Belichick’s sweatshirt decision is explained in the book he wrote with Jack Welch and Suzy Wetlaufer. It’s called Efficiencies.

David: I want to read the Belichick leadership manual. “The key to connecting with your employees is to berate your employees. Also, try to foster a near-psychotic sense that the entire world is out to destroy their dreams. Or at least that the Seahawks want to do that.”

Jeff: Whatever he is doing, it is working.

David: It really is. They looked good as hell on Sunday.

Jeff: The Pats versus the Steelers was like the junior version of the Eagles decimation of the Redskins.

David: Yeah, only without the weird ethically challenging exhilaration of watching Vick. He is SO GOOD right now.

Jeff: He is skinny again. Lithe. Handsome. Probably not smoking much weed either. Completely brilliant shape. He’s like Lance Armstrong without the ball cancer. He’s like Jordan in 1992, or Marlon Brando in the 1950s.

David: He’s in Jean-Claude Van Damme in Timecop shape.

David: I don’t remember him being that good in Atlanta. Although that was probably because he was passing to Alge Crumpler and arena league guys willing to work for the Cheez-Its that Dan Reeves brought to video sessions.

Jeff: I think Vick has so many more choices on offense.

David: He does. Jackson and Maclin are really great. But cutting the weed out of the diet is important. Although given the fact that a ton of teams lost QBs last week, I think JaMarcus Russell will be able to get a job somewhere without definitively proving that he’s stopped filling his sports bottle with Dimetapp. To complete the simile thing, JaMarcus Russell is in Steven Seagal in Glimmer Man shape. Like Kirby the little fat ghost from the Nintendo 64.

Jeff: Russell’s in Carroll O’Connor on “All in the Family” kind of shape. But the Eagles, it was like the “Brady Bunch” when Greg stole the playbook or whatever. Did that game ever even get played? Or am I imagining something? Did he steal it merely to somehow make Alice feel bad? Wasn’t that what every episode was about? “Alice, we put our lives at risk and burned down our own home so you would have to get a job going door-to-door selling birdseed. We realize now that was a mistake. How come my shirts aren’t starched?”

David: I am honestly never sad when the Redskins lose. Apparently before the game, DeAngelo Hall and LaRon Landry were taunting DeSean Jackson about having incurred a concussion?

Jeff: That didn’t work out well for them.

David: How is that Jackson’s fault? “Did the wittle baby get mild bwain damage?” Burn!

Jeff: …considering DeSean caught a pass running 67 mph on the first play of scrimmage for a TD.

David: Yeah, that play was great.

Jeff: DeAngelo needs to spend less time insulting and more time working on his game. He has brain damage if he didn’t remember that Vick probably has every one of his defensive tendencies memorized from their Falcons days.

David: Maybe it was just that the Eagles had much better cleats or something. Every time the Redskins had to run they looked like they were taking a surfing lesson.

Jeff: The Redskins looked like they all had ankle weights on. And torso weights. And were thinking that maybe the game was on a different night.

David: Fred Davis’s attempt to run on that one long pass play… I know he’s a big tight end and everything, but he looked like Reginald VelJohnson trying to cross country ski. And true to Redskins form most of their players are all mid-40s. They were on the sidelines talking about how excited they were when they drove to the theater to go see Empire Strikes Back. “Best moment of college for me”—London Fletcher.

Jeff: Which brings me to Jeff Garcia. I am sure his agent sent a congratulatory fax to Andy Reid. “I officially rescind my offer to return as Eagles starting QB… this week”

Next: Addressing the Dougie situation.

Pages: 1 2