Arby's For Everyone

David: Okay. So, we’re not actually breaking it, but Wade Phillips has now been fired for all of 15 minutes, I think. I imagine he’s attacking a bag of Pillows™ right now.

Jeff: I have no problem taking credit for that scoop. I also have no problem saying I made last week’s Yakkin’ About Football SUCK. I was running on empty. I was so tired I only remember having a dream about Carly Simon while trying to IM. For my money, this was the best edition in case you have a friend or a foreign exchange student whom you want to read this. Tom Coughlin lit a fire under me this week, so I know it’ll be good.

David: You’ve got to take it one week at a time and stay focused, man.

Jeff: Does Jason Garrett sound like an NFL head coach or the name of a guy you hire to guard your firewood? “No. Listen, he’s got his Ford F-150 here and his mom made a bunch of chili, and he’s got a blister pack of No-Doz, and he swears he is not going to fall asleep this time.”


David: Jason Garrett is the name of a character played by Michael Pare or Judd Nelson in a direct-to-Blockbuster DVD. A detective who plays by one set of rules: his own.

Jeff: I don’t envy his task. “It’s my turn to pilot this dirigible? And we’re headed for a mountain of flaming rhinoceros dung? In fact, we’re one inch away? And we’re going 600 MPH? By all means! Let’s get you guys doing some jumping jacks!”

David: I don’t buy him at all. The idea of installing the guy that’s responsible for the 50 Screen Passes Or More offensive strategy as your team’s new brain doesn’t work for me.

Jeff: “I coached the Cowboys? For half a season? It was the year most of the team had leprosy? Remember?” I feel like Wade Phillips and Chan Gailey should just get to switch jobs now.

David: I can’t explain why I even have an opinion on him, but I kind of love Chan Gailey. When he was the offensive coordinator in Kansas City a few years ago, he had a team that was even shittier than the current-day Bills. Just Tyler Thigpen and a bunch of local tough man competitors and Larry Johnson walking around smoking cigarettes on the field. And he installed this hilarious spread that kind of worked. The team lost all the time, but it was close! Like 44-37 every week.

Jeff: Hang on a second. I’m seeing Terrell Owens yelling at Carson Palmer as they walk off the field after a Carson Palmer INT.

David: Yeah, that should help. My guess is that Carson Palmer’s big problem is that he didn’t understand how open TO was getting. As opposed to Carson’s rotator cuff looking like a mastiff’s chew toy.

Jeff: Chad Johnson has been wearing his Dave Chappelle “can’t fucking believe this shit” face for most of this game.

David: Tell me more about the Darnell Dockett thing you were talking about the other day.

Jeff: Oh, he was just falling down every third play in the Cardinals vs. Vikings game. His groin hurt. His braids hurt. He twisted his sock wrong. Who knows?

David: “Oh God, my kidney has been fenestrated.” Winks to trainer.

Jeff: He was writhing around, and then a couple of other Cardinals started doing it, too. Anytime the Vikings had the ball. In any situation. “Darnell, it’s 2nd and 11. With 14:42 remaining. The Vikings are on their own 19 yard line. In the 1st Quarter.”

David: Gamesmanship!

Jeff: Ken Whisenhunt strikes me as the cagey high school coach from the wrong side of town. He wears windpants/workout pants to church. His motivational tactics are that he looks at his best player and mouths “Arby’s” to him in crucial moments. “You’re gonna be hearing me say this a lot. You get a free sandwich if you give up your body for the good of the team.” So now all these fucking freeloaders are trying to milk the system. Diving around on the carpet. Acting like they exploded their Achilles tendons.

David: He’s got a whole team of French dip aficionados.

Jeff: “Did you see me? Did you see what I did? My mom has pix!” And after the game, they are all in Whisenhunt’s minivan, claiming they’re owed all of these fucking sandwiches.

David: The van smells excruciatingly of gravy.

Jeff: He’s thumbing through singles in his wallet, and is like, “My wife needs me to get diapers and by the way, we also LOST, guys, COME ON!” And the team is rolling up their pant legs, trying to show him raspberries on their ankles and shit, just oblivious, jabbering to each other. Arguing about which sandwich comes with a poppy seed bun.

David: I like the idea of Whisenhunt pulling up at a drive-through window in Edina, MN and disgustedly ordering a bunch of roast beef sandwiches. “Just… I don’t know, fucking give me all of them. Make all of the sandwiches you can and then you’re done for the night. Fuck.”

Jeff: “Because some people took advantage of my goodwill last week, this week the reward for extreme physical abandon is a Zagnut confectionary bar.” Pretty soon the practice field is empty.

David: Just Derek Anderson throwing interceptions to a tackling sled.

Jeff: Maybe Jay asks if he can get a Clif Bar. I get the sense Jay Feely gets pleasure from taking coaches aside and asking them if they’ve financially planned for their futures yet. “‘Cause I’ve looked at your credit score, coach… and, well, I’ve actually Tweeted it, too.” He is unaware that he’s the Douglas C. Neidermeyer of the NFL. I guess my favorite things of the week are (1) Exposed Andy Reid video and (2) Suh getting to kick an extra point.

David: Those are the two best things that have happened in this or any other week.

David: Watching Suh kick was like my TV suddenly had Tecmo Bowl playing on it.

David: Just this weird oversized dude awkwardly flailing his leg at a ball. I expected some 8-bit touchdown celebration by Matt Bouza to come on afterwards. And the Andy Reid Punt, Pass & Kick thing… just new universes of perfection, there.

Jeff: Reid looked exactly like he does now, only with a Rams throwback uniform and a girdle on.

David: Whatever it was that Carl Sagan was talking about, it was basically that.

Pages: 1 2