Wednesday, November 10th, 2010

Arby's For Everyone

David: Okay. So, we're not actually breaking it, but Wade Phillips has now been fired for all of 15 minutes, I think. I imagine he's attacking a bag of Pillows™ right now.

Jeff: I have no problem taking credit for that scoop. I also have no problem saying I made last week’s Yakkin’ About Football SUCK. I was running on empty. I was so tired I only remember having a dream about Carly Simon while trying to IM. For my money, this was the best edition in case you have a friend or a foreign exchange student whom you want to read this. Tom Coughlin lit a fire under me this week, so I know it’ll be good.

David: You've got to take it one week at a time and stay focused, man.

Jeff: Does Jason Garrett sound like an NFL head coach or the name of a guy you hire to guard your firewood? “No. Listen, he’s got his Ford F-150 here and his mom made a bunch of chili, and he’s got a blister pack of No-Doz, and he swears he is not going to fall asleep this time.”

David: Jason Garrett is the name of a character played by Michael Pare or Judd Nelson in a direct-to-Blockbuster DVD. A detective who plays by one set of rules: his own.

Jeff: I don’t envy his task. “It’s my turn to pilot this dirigible? And we’re headed for a mountain of flaming rhinoceros dung? In fact, we’re one inch away? And we’re going 600 MPH? By all means! Let’s get you guys doing some jumping jacks!”

David: I don't buy him at all. The idea of installing the guy that's responsible for the 50 Screen Passes Or More offensive strategy as your team's new brain doesn't work for me.

Jeff: “I coached the Cowboys? For half a season? It was the year most of the team had leprosy? Remember?” I feel like Wade Phillips and Chan Gailey should just get to switch jobs now.

David: I can't explain why I even have an opinion on him, but I kind of love Chan Gailey. When he was the offensive coordinator in Kansas City a few years ago, he had a team that was even shittier than the current-day Bills. Just Tyler Thigpen and a bunch of local tough man competitors and Larry Johnson walking around smoking cigarettes on the field. And he installed this hilarious spread that kind of worked. The team lost all the time, but it was close! Like 44-37 every week.

Jeff: Hang on a second. I’m seeing Terrell Owens yelling at Carson Palmer as they walk off the field after a Carson Palmer INT.

David: Yeah, that should help. My guess is that Carson Palmer's big problem is that he didn't understand how open TO was getting. As opposed to Carson’s rotator cuff looking like a mastiff's chew toy.

Jeff: Chad Johnson has been wearing his Dave Chappelle “can’t fucking believe this shit” face for most of this game.

David: Tell me more about the Darnell Dockett thing you were talking about the other day.

Jeff: Oh, he was just falling down every third play in the Cardinals vs. Vikings game. His groin hurt. His braids hurt. He twisted his sock wrong. Who knows?

David: "Oh God, my kidney has been fenestrated.” Winks to trainer.

Jeff: He was writhing around, and then a couple of other Cardinals started doing it, too. Anytime the Vikings had the ball. In any situation. “Darnell, it’s 2nd and 11. With 14:42 remaining. The Vikings are on their own 19 yard line. In the 1st Quarter.”

David: Gamesmanship!

Jeff: Ken Whisenhunt strikes me as the cagey high school coach from the wrong side of town. He wears windpants/workout pants to church. His motivational tactics are that he looks at his best player and mouths “Arby's” to him in crucial moments. “You’re gonna be hearing me say this a lot. You get a free sandwich if you give up your body for the good of the team.” So now all these fucking freeloaders are trying to milk the system. Diving around on the carpet. Acting like they exploded their Achilles tendons.

David: He’s got a whole team of French dip aficionados.

Jeff: “Did you see me? Did you see what I did? My mom has pix!” And after the game, they are all in Whisenhunt’s minivan, claiming they’re owed all of these fucking sandwiches.

David: The van smells excruciatingly of gravy.

Jeff: He’s thumbing through singles in his wallet, and is like, “My wife needs me to get diapers and by the way, we also LOST, guys, COME ON!” And the team is rolling up their pant legs, trying to show him raspberries on their ankles and shit, just oblivious, jabbering to each other. Arguing about which sandwich comes with a poppy seed bun.

David: I like the idea of Whisenhunt pulling up at a drive-through window in Edina, MN and disgustedly ordering a bunch of roast beef sandwiches. "Just… I don't know, fucking give me all of them. Make all of the sandwiches you can and then you're done for the night. Fuck."

Jeff: “Because some people took advantage of my goodwill last week, this week the reward for extreme physical abandon is a Zagnut confectionary bar.” Pretty soon the practice field is empty.

David: Just Derek Anderson throwing interceptions to a tackling sled.

Jeff: Maybe Jay asks if he can get a Clif Bar. I get the sense Jay Feely gets pleasure from taking coaches aside and asking them if they’ve financially planned for their futures yet. "'Cause I've looked at your credit score, coach… and, well, I’ve actually Tweeted it, too.” He is unaware that he’s the Douglas C. Neidermeyer of the NFL. I guess my favorite things of the week are (1) Exposed Andy Reid video and (2) Suh getting to kick an extra point.

David: Those are the two best things that have happened in this or any other week.

David: Watching Suh kick was like my TV suddenly had Tecmo Bowl playing on it.

David: Just this weird oversized dude awkwardly flailing his leg at a ball. I expected some 8-bit touchdown celebration by Matt Bouza to come on afterwards. And the Andy Reid Punt, Pass & Kick thing… just new universes of perfection, there.

Jeff: Reid looked exactly like he does now, only with a Rams throwback uniform and a girdle on.

David: Whatever it was that Carl Sagan was talking about, it was basically that.

20 Comments / Post A Comment

zidaane (#373)

You guys were late. Refreshed all day yesterday.

Alex Balk (#4)

No, it's a regular Wednesday feature. But I'm always excited for it too!

zidaane (#373)

Ok- FYI, you did not have an extra 100K returning users yesterday.

Alex Balk (#4)

Don't tell Cho!

Lines that would have made me spit out my drink if I had exact change for the soda machine:

"He wears windpants/workout pants to church."

"Just Derek Anderson throwing interceptions to a tackling sled."

Great read yet again, you two.

Ronit (#1,557)

"Just Derek Anderson throwing interceptions to a tackling sled" was my favorite line too.

Bittersweet (#765)

They got me at "He's got a whole team of French dip aficionados." Loved this, you guys.

Plus I got our good friends to start calling Roethlisberger "olive loaf" too. Sooner or later we'll hear Boomer say it while calling a late game.

Rodger Psczny (#3,912)

So I read this and my mind puts it into Achewood speech bubbles. All Ray and roastbeef, just watchin' some NFL Network, Teodor cooking orange roughy with bacon foam.
This is a compliment.

David Roth (#4,429)

I don't know if I'm prouder of the olive loaf thing, or the comparison to Achewood. But either way, thanks for both.

Bittersweet (#765)

Argh, I meant Phil Simms, not Boomer. My head was full of glee at hearing about Boomer's mystery novel, hence the slip.

katiebakes (#32)

God, I had a Shockey jersey AND I used to unironically watch Jon & Kate (the early seasons.) This does not bode well for Kevin Boss and Randy from Say Yes To The Dress.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Every time I hear mention of Wade Phillips, I hark back to the old Jim Rome refrain, "BUM'S SON."

Chan Gailey got a raw deal while he was here in KC. The rest of that team and the coaching unit were terrible, of course none of it was his fault.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

My roommate is from Cleveland, and he bought a Joe Jurevicius Browns jersey on clearance, figuring it was safer to wear the defunct jersey of a pretty good, well-liked player than to take a risk on the jersey of a doomed-to-fail high draft pick.

Point being, the rest of the season will be dedicated to me trying to convince him to buy a #40 jersey with "Hamsteak" printed on the nameplate.

brianvan (#149)

The NFL Store has already banned all use of the words "hamsteak", "sauerkraut", and "Whitehurst" on custom jerseys.

David Roth (#4,429)

I'm not trying to tell anyone how to dress — I did admit to having a Charlie Batch jersey in last week's Yak, and I'll admit here to owning a Mike McMahon one, too. But I will say that 1) a Jurevicius jersey is ALWAYS a good idea and 2) I've got an Errict Rhett Browns jersey that I'm willing to move for the right price.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Wasn't Chan Gailey the villain in that Chuck Norris movie where he beats John Saxon to death with a hair dryer?

Also: I thought that was David Whitehurst.

zidaane (#373)

I picture Ken Whisenhunt wearing a headset in bed with his wife.

BirdNerd (#4,196)

Madden eating a roasted chicken out of a fanny pack full of spearmint gumdrops with chicken skin stuck in the zipper is possibly the greatest mental image of all time.

nom. nom. nom.

"Its good because its roasted, and chicken, thats what makes it so good the roastness of the chicken that you only get from roasting it. See?"

Al Cowlings makes a martini to die for. TO DIE FOR! Um … jokes!

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