Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

The Best Restaurant In Jacksonville

Jeff: Do you think if Carl Paladino had been elected governor one of his first executive acts would have been to force the Buffalo Bills to invade Scotland? "To save New York, we must squash Scotland like a cheap vase underneath the wheels of a 1983 Ford Econoline van. Get on this pontoon boat, boys. We’re going to steal their rum. As long as men in skirts are still putting their lips to pipes, we’re going for it. I’ve drawn it all up on parchment papers and burned the edges. It’s go time, ladies." It’s a real shame that being an extreme asshole didn’t pay off for him, since it seemed to work in the rest of the country, yesterday and throughout history.

David: I boycotted the TV coverage because I don't have the time to actually go catatonic with dread for a few days. I saw a few minutes of CNN, and it was just Wolf Blitzer toggling between holograms of Fergie and the werewolf kid from Twilight. They were talking about the death tax.

Jeff: Now Paladino can go focus on further alienating his own family. “I bought you some hamsters, Little Judy. Then I killed them on the way home. You may play with their corpses for an hour.”

Jeff: Speaking of the Bills, I heard James Lofton doing the Westwood One radio broadcast of the Steelers vs. the Saints the other night.

David:I don’t get much exposure to NFL radio. I have no idea who's doing football games on the radio. I'm imagining Mancow and a woozy Mike Tomczak doing Bears games.

Jeff: It was a mess. It was like Lofton had consumed a nail polish remover and Rumple Minze smoothie minutes before entering the booth. He referred to Reggie Bush as Michael Bush and said that Rashard Mendenhall gets 90 yards per carry.

Jeff: So, is Donovan McNabb so bad that you have to bring in JaMarcus Russell? I’ve never known Shanahan to be the kind of coach where he starts mentally torturing his players.

David: But I think he's that kind of person. They also brought in JP Losman to audition! Everyone in the DC area gets a shot. Jack Abramoff and Ian Svenonius and Jeff George are all coming in for workouts today. I don't get lifting McNabb for Rex Grossman at all though. Or lifting anyone for Rex Grossman. McNabb is better at everything than Grossman, including talking to Grossman's parents on the phone and entering Grossman's email passwords. He's also better than any quarterback they've had since… I don't know, either Mark Rypien or Sonny Jurgensen, depending on your point of view.

Jeff: Was Mark Rypien part Native American? Was that his deal? I guess I shouldn’t refer to him like he is dead, even though his face is on many of our common coins nowadays. But he was crazy. He could throw the ball 400 yards and also kill an owl just by staring at it. They have no receivers, do they? ZERO running backs?

David: They have a bunch of those unlicensed videogame names. Receiver 85 is playing well. Joey Galloway saw a commercial on TV for The Scooter Store and now plays in a maroon-and-gold Rascal with a little orange flag on the back. He also shops for groceries with it. It's really given him back his independence.

Jeff: They should be psyched that they are 4-4. Did they even win 4 games last year? Speaking of great receivers, Tate in New England is a monster.

David: Yeah, he's really good. Really fast and really good. They should resign Moss just to make sure that Tate doesn't get TOO good. Other than security staff trying to ruin your son's Halloween, do you have any observations from your time in Foxboro?

Jeff: I did get to see Brady take his helmet off on the sideline and fix his hair, they put it on the Jumbotron at the stadium.

David: To peals of piercing shrieks and waves of fainting people in oversized Bruschi jerseys?

Jeff: Some. The Pats fans I saw were the kind of people who chain smoke and eat a fistful of buttered hashbrowns while talking about how Bruschi bravely came back from a stroke. “I should know, ‘cause I’m having one right now. A little mini one.” We sat behind a guy with little hair but a lot of hair gel.

David: Gel-scalp. Always a good look.

Jeff: He thought the Patriots should kick a field goal to go up 24-18 with 2:00 left. Because nothing is safer than a 6 point lead in football.

David: Was he really adamant? I have never heard anyone screaming for a field goal. "Get Gostkowski in there OH MY GOD, COME ON! Make them have to convert an extra point after a tying touchdown! Do any of you even FOLLOW FOOTBALL?"

15 Comments / Post A Comment

Harry Cheadle (#6,316)

Can Jacksonville (the city, not the team) ever catch a break? It's rapidly becoming a joke city, like Detroit. As in: "Yes, I'm missing three limbs and my wife left me for her cooking instructor and my son was caught at school selling fake weed to 12-year-olds, but I thank the Good Lord every day that at least I'm not in Jacksonville."

brianvan (#149)

You were trying to say, "Everyday I don't wake up in Jacksonville is a success."

bytehead (#4,763)

I guess since I live about two miles outside of Jax, I should be happy then??

Andrew Piccone (#7,185)

As a non-fan of the game, I enjoy this immensely every week. The Silver Jews was the icing on the cake.

Hamilton (#122)

The worst restaurant in Jacksonville is actually Ying's Chinee Takee Outee.

It's completely insane that a place with that name still exists.

David Roth (#4,429)

From the comments on that restaurant:

"Great restaurant! The impeccable marketing of this wonderful restaurant keeps me coming back for more. Really. I mean, Chinee Takee Outee? Who wouldn't go there? I highly recommend the 'dog' speciality dish."

There is nothing I can do to mock Jacksonville that Jacksonville is not already doing 100 times better. I better recognize.

Bittersweet (#765)

Your description of the fans at Foxboro is why I (with a Tufts degree and a dedication to excellence, no less) don't go to games. Well, that, and the fact that I can drool over Brady's hair in high-def from a comfortable sofa.

Outdated NFL jersey? Art Monk, please. Sweet, sweet 80s memories…

sigerson (#179)

Hail! Arlington Represent!

David Roth (#4,429)

I had a Skip Hicks 'Skins jersey that a DC friend stole from my home. He still wears it to Redskins bars across NYC, which is fine with me since that's honestly about as close as I personally want to get to a Redskins bar.

He had my favorite body type in running backs: weird rectangle. Shaped like the cursor on an old Tandy computer, minus the blinking.

Belichick is working on the blinking with BenJarvus Green-Ellis as we speak. He'll be breaking it out for the playoffs.

Man! Remember when Tom Cable punched a guy?

keisertroll (#1,117)

To be fair, Mark Rypien would be Native North American/First Nations. Truly the greatest Canadian born player since Bronko Nagurski, which shows you how sad the situation is.

Doing surgery on a sickly cow then writing the bylaws of New England.

Yes. True patriots.

blue0000 (#9,096)

Clearly none of you have ever been to Jacksonville. If you had you'd know there's a beach, river, sunny skies, a team that is 8-5…and GREAT bars/restaurants if your definition of "restaurant" isn't the cheesecake factory. Far better than whatever mid-western, decrepit town where you all most likely live.

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