Wednesday, August 4th, 2010
41

Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines

So basically we're supposed to be impressed that she couldn't be bothered to wear makeup?I thought this story ["The Mistake That Nearly Cost Me Everything," by Piper Kerman] was very interesting, and I can't wait to read her book. It's amazing to think that something we may have done 10 years in the past could affect our future.

Kellymusil, marieclaire.com (Marie Claire, June 2010)

It's amazing to think that when you do something, something else happens. It's like, "What the?" (Imagine me looking slowly all around, like "Huh?") (Now imagine I'm holding my fingers over my eyes like binoculars, looking around like I'm on safari. Now I'm pulling out a gun and acting like I'm shooting, like I'm hunting.)

Lee T., Sioux City, IA



Believe in Yourself
I have a lot of goals. Some of them are outrageous, and some are less extreme. People are always raising their eyebrows when I share these goals, and it's disconcerting. I put your article up on my wall and will remember its advice; it's just what I needed to hear!

Hilary G., Princeton, NJ (Glamour, June 2010)

I think of my goals as little pebbles, and my life as like the sack I carry the pebbles in. It's like a leather pouch, actually, like the kind people used to have in medieval times. And the pebbles are actually jewels, and I would also have a gold crown that had little notches in it so that when I poured the jewels out and fit them into the notches on the crown, whoever I was with would be like, "Oh my god!" because they'd know I was a queen, because the same crown went missing years ago, and the legend was that whoever had the crown would be the queen.

Kelly M., Santa Barbara



A weighty decision
I related to "Would You Rather Be Fat & Happy? Or Thin & Sad?" [April, page 136]. … I know from experience that being obese makes me unhappy, not only because I don't like the way I look but also because it could affect my physical health. Thank you for showing me I'm not alone.

Tierney W., Ottawa (Self, June 2010)

Thin and sad. Or, if it's an option, extra thin and suicidal. Or, if at all possible, a skeleton that killed itself. Ashes that crumbled off a skeleton that killed itself. A gust of wind blowing through the eye socket of a skeleton that killed itself. A fart seeping from the asshole of a corpse that shit itself to death. In case those are ones I can choose.

Edith Z., Brooklyn



Biological Clock

I enjoyed the article about when a woman reaches her peak ["The Perfect Age," April]. When I was 20, no one believed my age; most people said, "You're not 20, you're 16." Now I'm 40, and most people say, "You look 20 years old." Life is good.

Jana C, Longview, TX

I built a papier-mâché woman that has a crotch made out of a rubber flap. Sometimes I'll put Vaseline on my face and slide through the flap like I just got born. One time I did it at work — I looked so young, my coworkers were stunned.

Lucy T., Raleigh, NC



It's about time a natural beauty is on your cover. I'm glad Jessica [Simpson] doesn't care what other people think. We should all be that way.

Sandra N., Long Grove, IL (Marie Claire, July 2010)

It's so cool that Jessica Simpson doesn't give a shit what other people think. I don't either. I'm envisioning us, like, sitting on a porch when a guy walks by and goes, "Hey ladies," or whatever, and Jessica's just like, "Shut the fuck up," and I'm like, "Literally go fuck yourself," and he'd walk away, and we'd lapse into silence.

Lindsey T., Truro, MA



Support System

I loved "Best New Bras for You" [May]. But there still doesn't seem to be a size for me: The bras are either too big or too small. How can I find the perfect fit?

S.C., Phoenix (InStyle, July 2010)

Here, I drew a picture of my breasts. Can you please tell me what is the best new bra for me?

The sizable mammaries of a woman from Kentucky

Thank you.

Lydia P., Lexington, KY


Previously: "I want to be a button when I grow up."

Edith Zimmerman still lives in Brooklyn and now works here.

41 Comments / Post A Comment

jetztinberlin (#392)

OH MA GAH IT'S BEEN SO LOOOOOONG! EEEEEDDIIIIIIITTTH!

MatthewGallaway (#1,239)

I will never get tired of reading these.

mikki halpin (#5,603)

Those breasts have obviously been Photoshopped.

permafrost (#2,735)

Oh how I have missed this feature!

wb (#2,214)

To paraphrase Jack Kerouac: All of the dumbest girls in the world live in Sioux City, Iowa.

liz (#3,108)

YES YES YES! Best one yet? Best. One. Yet. But they're like children. You have to love them equally. While secretly believing in your head that this is THE BEST ONE YET.

Dan Kois (#646)

Rapturous sigh!

I loved Biological Clock. But why is the previous one actually signed by you? (Are there lines to read between?)

Miles Klee (#3,657)

I believe the skeleton letter was simply too good to attribute to a fictional source.

hockeymom (#143)

A gust of wind blowing through the eye socket of a skeleton.

Perfect.

mathnet (#27)

Signed, Edith!

Bittersweet (#765)

A fart seeping from the asshole of a corpse that shit itself to death.

Can't…stop…laughing…*cries*

Joe Berkowitz (#5,534)

This just made me laugh all over the place. Love it.

jolie (#16)

The sizable mammaries of a woman from Kentucky

SCREAMS. DIES. REVIVES. SCREAMS. DIES.

They never print my titty art

This gives me a Friday feeling.

deepomega (#1,720)

Would it be gauche to write my own letters to the editors of letters to the editors of womens magazines? My letter would be:

Dear Editor,

Will you go out with me? Circle one.

Yes No

Deep O., Los Angeles, CA

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Looks like Marie Claire is going to have to circle 'No'.

Sure, we say what we want is a dude who is kind and funny … but maybe what we don't say out loud (and also don't totally acknowledge in the privacy of our hearts, either) is that what's even more important to us is finding a big gun who is professionally successful and physically attractive. We want a man who is such a hotshot that other people will say, "Oh – look at him! And look at her with him. What a sexy couple."

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/women-seeking-trophy-husbands

deepomega (#1,720)

You are making some bold assumption about my handsomeness, Tuna!

deepomega (#1,720)

ALSO ABOUT MY ABILITY TO MAKE LINKS.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

@deepomega: I want a T-shirt of the penultimate panel.

This is the best thing ever.

Patrick M (#404)

The woman from Kentucky wrote "TIIIIITS" but the accurate way to write that is "TVTS".
#romannumerals

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

GAME OVER

iantenna (#5,160)

you're NVTS! N-V-T-S, NVTS!

City_Dater (#2,500)

Thank you so very much for this.

delrayser (#319)

How much do I love the fact that the "skeleton that killed itself" letter is signed "Edith Z., Brooklyn"? (Answer: ALL OF THEM.)

Dave Bry (#422)

Hooray! I have missed these.

sox (#652)

If we are supposed to be impressed that she couldn't be bothered to wear makeup, then I am super impressed that she has black eyeliner tattooed permanently to her eyes. That seems quite scary.

Has Edith done a Sedaratives yet?

dr.funke (#336)

Oh, yes, so good. The ol' vaselined rubber crotch rebirth trick.

barnhouse (#1,326)

Like in the Almodovar movie!

This was my favorite one so far.

(Also the style reminds me of LOLCait?)

sargasm (#104)

Snorting audibly here. Thanks!

Atencio (#399)

These are the best thing on the internet. I will buy the book when it eventually comes out.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Better than ever. Winner in the category "Perfection in a Genre That the Author Was Obliged to Invent and That Was Crying Out to Be Invented by Just This Author."

Mister_Neutron (#5,921)

This is my first exposure to Edith's work, and I have nothing to add to the praises above except that I heartily concur. Can't wait to go through the archives!

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Those are Etch-A-Sketch tits and I love Edith.

Sarah (#6,653)

This is so good I feel like I just got born.

lilbeanie (#4,082)

Ediiiiiith I love you!!! I tell everyone you're my favorite writer, and no offense, but when they're like "Who?" I'm all "Fuck you."

jaysond (#6,734)

That cover has been Photoshopped. I know because I have seen a few 'shops in my day.

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