Before I begin, let's get something out of the way before you all start howling "Dixie" in the comments: I'm not Southern. Not even close. But I do love bourbon and wearing fanciful hats designed to match colorful sundresses and sporting events that only take up three minutes of my actual time (three minutes? Is that correct, sporty ladies? Hoof over here and explain to your batty auntie how these horse races happen!) and therefore I go wild for the Kentucky Derby. And every year I get to trot out one of my signature recipes, which I would be tempted to describe as The Best Thing I Make if I didn't know how good my carrot cake tastes, and whip up a batch of bourbon balls.
Now then, bourbon balls are easy, if a bit messy, and don't require cooking, which makes them a lovely little thing to know about in the summer time when the idea of turning on the oven is about as appealing as the prospect of waxing Michele Bachmann's bikini area. I always find it odd how surprised people are to learn that one doesn't cook bourbon balls because OH HEY, HI, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BAKE OFF THE BOOZE? but that always seems to throw people.
What I have found somewhat bizarre, but have now gotten used to, is the base of these lil' pretties: Nilla Wafers. Right? No, no one else ever thinks this is as fascinating a fact as I do.
Let's begin.
Pour about 2/3 of a box of Nilla Wafers into a Ziploc bag and grab a hammer.
What? Why would I joke about such a thing? Did you miss the time when I told you to stir your punch with a wiffle ball bat? (You did? Please click here!)
Using your hammer, or any other heavy mallet-like object-the blunt side of an extremely large awl, perhaps?-beat the tar out of the cookies. Now listen, I'm not one to advocate violence but sometimes it's good to imagine that it is a face you are pounding on. Perhaps a specific one! Surely someone on the Internet has made you angry today? So go on, you have my permission to conjure up Foster or Cord or whoever's visage and get medieval on your Ziploc o' Nillas.
On second thought, go ahead and double bag those cookies.
You'll want to end up with 2½ to 3 cups of crushed up Nilla Wafers. Oh and do make sure they're finely pulverized. No one needs to encounter a lump in their balls.
Once you're done assaulting the wafers, dump them into a large mixing bowl and measure a half cup of pecans into your Ziploc bag. If it didn't survive the vicious beating it just took, get another one out. Oh my God, yes FINE you can do this all in your processor but that's no fun at all and you know what? I'd appreciate it if you left my party.
Beat those nuts until they're sort of chopped up looking. If you're feeling knife-y and prefer to actually chop them be my guest-whatever kinky shit you're into is none of my business. Put the nuts in the bowl with the cookie crushies. Roll your eyes at the fact that I just used the term "cookie crushies." Get over it. Add in a half cup of unsweetened cocoa powder and 1 cup of confectioners' sugar. (That's the powdered stuff.) Stir it all up real good.
Okay now comes the fun part! Actually, the massacring of the cookies and nuts was pretty fun, yes? Whee! (I've not been tippling, I swear! I totes have been!) To the dry mixture you're going to add 3 tablespoons of light corn syrup, which is most commonly found under the brand name Karo. I could write a dissertation on the glory of Karo syrup, except that I'm secretly an incredibly lazy person and would never actually commit to such a thing but trust-my love for Karo syrup runs crazy deep. I might be rubbing some on me right now.
After you've got your Karo in there, measure out a half cup of bourbon and pour that in too. You will be tempted to add more than that. Do not-DO NOT-do so. Listen, I'm an alcoholic and I'm telling you that half a cup of hooch is more than enough so please trust me on this. STOP THAT. I SEE YOU TRYING TO ADD MORE BOURBON. Uch. You people are impossible.
Grab a wooden or plastic spoon and begin to stir. Can I be honest? The stirring? It's haaaaaard. Shit be sticky. What now? No, she actually did not say that, as a matter of fact. God. If the mixture seems too dry and crumbly add more syrup.
I said syrup, not bourbon.
Once your mixture has come together, get out one or two large cookie sheets and your cookie scoop. What do you mean you don't have a cookie scoop? Were you raised by wolves? I could write a dissertation on the glory of the cookie scoop, except that I'm secretly etc., etc. If you don't have a cookie scoop just use a spoon you neanderthal, and begin measuring out the mixture and rolling it into one-inch balls. This task is a mess, by the way. It will look-and truly I apologize for this imagery-like you've decided to eschew toilet paper altogether in pursuit of a greener life. Just... be ready for that. Coating your hands in powdered sugar helps things immensely. Usually I dump a whole bunch of it on the cookie sheet so I can keep patting my paws in it as needed, and also to make the last part of the process-rolling the balls in the confectioners' sugar-super easy.
Once you've got all your bourbons a'balled and coated in a dusting of powdered sugar, place them in an air tight container. The bourbon flavor will mellow in a few days, which is why I insist on eating them all straightaway.
Jolie Kerr tried really hard not to make a testicle joke in the course of writing this recipe. She did not succeed.
rum balls? when it's hot like today, I soak mine in Creme de Menthe.
This exact recipe, except with rum, is what Christmas tastes like.
You know, I wish there were an edit button. I don't know why I typed rum.
Choire originally had written 'rum' in the headline. But shhh we're not going to make hay of it because we love him to bits and pieces and don't want to make him feel bad.
I think I am going to make these, except instead of all the chopping and the stirring, I will just chug some bourbon and munch some Nilla Wafers in a manner that befits my extreme on-the-go lifestyle.
Don't forget the Karo!
Borboun & Karo Shots.
Pick up some of these on the way home instead of the Nilla Wafers.
http://www.amazon.com/Famous-Chocolate-Wafers-9-Ounce-Boxes/dp/B000FA38ZE
I'm going Super Saver and Devil May Care for win. I may hedge it with a few dollars on Lookin at Lucky.
I've examined all five bottles of bourbon in my cupboard and, nope, I don't have a half cup.
I made these on Tuesday, EXACTLY like you you make them! One suggestion--if you chill the dough for a couple of hours before the ball-making, they ball up quite nicely and un-messily.
But then they might MELLOW. (Good tip, thanks!)
But I'm assuming these should be accompanied by a bourbon on the rocks, right? (Didn't mean to harsh on your mellow).
I keep a cube of sweet creamery butter to oil my hands when the dough gets sticky, but chilling helps a lot, too.
When they make these at commercial bakeries, they sub out the Nilla wafers for every cake (and its buttercream, and its garnishes) that did not get eaten the previous week. Not that I'm going to get all high and mighty about that!
Do you pronounced Neanderthal the old-fashioned way (with the th intact) or the new fancy way, Neandertal (because someone somewhere that pronouncing the h is just so 20th century)?
If it's the former, then I trust your bourbon balls are the best. If it's the latter, well, I've just made all sorts of other assumptions about your balls.
Oh God, you've just reawakened long suppressed childhood memories of making these things. The violence and general messiness of the process makes it ideal for farming out to children. I also remember eating them with parental permission, which is odd given the alcohol, although given my family perhaps not so odd.
Just got off the phone with my mother who in her defense said, "Well, it's not like you were babies." Not being babies = eight yo or so. I am totally making her these for Mother's Day.
Divide the total number of balls by 4 oz of bourbon. You probably got more alcohol in your morning mouthwash.
I knew it was OK for kids to drink mouthwash! Vindicated.
Oh lordy, can you just throw a dozen of these into some Tupperware and head over to my office?
I'll open a bottle of pinot grigio and buy a bag of ice.
Make it chardonnay and I'm there.
Cold pinot means it's summer!
A bottle? Ooo, look who's fancy. Make it a box and I'm there.
Plastic bag wine! Just like Drunk Grad School Friends used to serve!
These sound delicious! Can I substitute whiskey for bourbon and potato chips for Nilla Wafers?
I'll show you the door.
Come on. You gotta admit, now that I've mentioned it, you're DYING to try it, right?
(don't tell the others!)
Potato chips: the New England baking equivalent of Nilla wafers, kinda sorta?
Jesus Fucking Christ it's 5:30 and there's already 50 comments?! Why am I always so late to the party?
Oh, and now you're all done now, is that it? I show up and AWAY got the chips, AWAY goes the booze. Ah, go fuck yerself I didn't want your damn half-baked recipe anyhow. Bourbon balls.
(Except I do. I think, in spite of my Extreme Manliness, I may have done a little dance when I saw there was a half-baked piece today.)
Dear Jolie: How shall I put this? You get hotter with every recipe.
co-signed
NOT POSSIBLE FOR JOLIE TO GET ANY HOTTER!!!!!!!!!
Yes. She looks great in that picture!
@Tuna: Jolie would never wear such an ill-fitting dress.
@CF: Oh, the fit of the dress is on purpose. That way she can spend all day yanking up the dress and complaining about how big her boobs are and how it's simply impossible to keep control of the girls.
@Tuna: I'm going to assume she wants another mint julep and be right back.
people who write blogs on walls
roll their bourbon into tiny balls.
wolf cubs that read these words of wit
are now slathered in what appears to be shit.
thanks for this. i'm making a batch for dessert.
RUM BALZ AND HORSIEZ!!!
I also typed rum.
Now is about the time of year when it becomes essential to have your balls gently rolled in powder.
I hate myself for not thinking of that joke first.
I'm scared/turned-on that you may know of what I was speaking [typing].
I assume that other Bourbon, that wasn't required of the half cup can be put into full cup and drunk while waiting for the balls to roast.
So.
A very important question... Jim Beam or Wild Turkey?
Knob Creek goes best with balls.
Balls and Knob sounds good.
Thought you might approve.
My personal savior -- who but Julia -- has a recipe for bourbon-soaked chocolate truffles, which follows Jolie's principles: melted chocolate, sugar, pulverized gingersnaps, ball up and roll in ground coffee. As I type this, I weep.
I think homeless people eat nicer things
Oh hey! But you could just say no, thank you. You wouldn't have to eat them.
I thought you were mocking them! "Coffee grounds" makes me think of compost.
@Annie: That sounds incredible. I bet rum balls - AHEM AND I GET REALLY UPSET WHEN PEOPLE CONFUSE RUM BALLS WITH BOURBON BALLS - made with ginger snaps rather than Nilla Wafers would be delish. Like a stark & dormy in cookie form! Aaaaaand now I know what my next recipe is going to be.
OMG, can you elaborate at all? Or does one just make up the proportions? I am so making those immediately!
Oh, by Julia you meant Julia Child, obviously. I found the recipe.
I love/am deeply sadden by the fact that pretty much everyone seems to have first thought this was in reference to *another* Julia.
What other Julia is there?!
You guys, I'm heaving and fanning my bosom over Julia's instructions: "dig out gobs of the chocolate mixture" alskfhalkhslkshlksh
@Matt: @cherrispryte: I was skimming and misread it as "Jolie" at first and then was too distracted by the idea of bourbon-soaked truffles to go back and now I'm terrified to think that someone might assume I think there's another Julia when of course there is no other Julia O. M. G.
Balls!
I'm so hungry.
And thirsty.
Loved this!
Thanks, Jolie! You saved the Derby, for I have been so off the cuff this week, I lost track of the calendar and nearly forgot to make my minted simple syrup. Lets all eat balls and say a little elegy for Eight Bells.