Half Baked, with Jolie Kerr: The Real Recipe for Pink Panty Pulldown Punch
With Valentine's Day nearly upon us, you may be looking for a lovely pink drink to serve your beloved.
This is not that drink.
This is the drink you make when you want to get your beloved utterly blotto on Valentine's Day (ANAL). But let’s be honest, shall we? You won’t be serving this to your paramour, you unlovable piece of shit, you’ll be making it for the sad, sad SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE party you’re desperately trying to convince yourself is exactly—EXACTLY! I’D HAVE IT NO OTHER WAY! ME? I’M SOOOOO GLAD I’M SINGLE!—how you want to be celebrating Valentine’s Day.
It’s fine! I’m not judging! (I’m judging.)
The first thing you’re gonna do is get a bag of ice. Yes, you need to actually BUY A BAG OF ICE. I know, the horror. You’ll get over it. Now take your bag of ice and drop it on the floor. Pick it up. Drop it again. Pick it up. Drop it again. Keep doing that until your bag of ice can no longer menace the Titanic, and then dump the whole thing into a plastic bucket.
(Wait, sorry what? Your floors? Oh honey. If you’re worrying about your floors? You should not be serving this punch in your home.)
Okay, where were we? Yes, right—the plastic bucket. Now listen, if you’re gonna try to talk to me about some sort of “punch bowl” bullshit you can just get out of here right now. One does not serve Pinky Panty Pulldown Punch in a lovely bowl. One serves it from a plastic bin. You know where you buy plastic bins? The hardware store. (Pick up some spackle while you’re there; you’ll need it tomorrow. Trust.)
Into your bucket goes your ice. Over your ice goes two handles of vodka, and listen closely because this is important, you’re to use the cheap stuff. Like, the stuff that comes in the plastic bottles and costs ten bucks. Don’t challenge me on this, okay? It’s my damn recipe. If you’re trying to make this punch with Grey Goose you’ve probably also ignored my wishes and you have your ancestral silver punch bowl out and you know what? You’re an uptight pussy who never gets laid and likely suffers from a surgical-grade case of hemorrhoids.
Then you’re gonna add your beer. Yes, beer. Beer and vodka, right. Yeah, there’s beer in the punch. (Three times is the precise number of times you’ll need to repeat “there is beer in the punch” in order for people to understand you.) How much beer? A 12-pack or so. If you drink one or two along the way no worries! And actually? 12 beers is a bit much, so toss in 9 or 10 of ‘em and call it even. I’m really hoping at this stage in the game you’re not even going to ask me what kind of beer to use, but in case that’s what you’re planning to do here’s the answer, sport: THE FUCKING CHEAP SHIT. Jesus. Do I have to explain everything to you?
Next you’re going to add a 2 liter bottle of ginger ale. The type matters not. It’s just ginger ale.
You still with me? Okay! The last step is super, super important. Dump in about half a large container of powdered pink lemonade mix and stir the whole mess together using a wiffle ball bat. Why a wiffle ball bat? Because it’s my world, and you’re just living in it. (If your name is Katie Baker-Bakes or if you’re wearing fleece as you read this, you can substitute a lax stick. Totes acceptable.)
While you’re stirring—and it’ll get frothy what with all that carbonation so don’t get too aggro with your stirage, right?—you’ll need to bless the punch in some way. If you’re a smart, you’ll chant “double, double toil and trouble.” If you’re a cool, you’ll rap, “I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a wiffle ball bat soooooo….”
I am neither of those things so I usually just flash my tits and scream “GOD BLESS, THE PUNCH IS READY!”
AND NOW IT IS TIME TO DRINK. And drink you will! Because this stuff? Tastes like candy in a cup. And it will FUCK. YOU. UP.
You will hang from the chandelier. If there isn’t a chandelier to hang from you will craft one out of empty Solo cups and year-old issues of New York magazine. You will find that you know all the words to the Sam Kinison version of “Wild Thing.” You will do the worm in a sorochka that you just happened to have lying around the house. You will get in an oatmeal fight. You will wrestle a deaf tiger. You will kick your friend across a room into the Christmas tree you still haven’t taken down. You will French braid a man’s chest hair because you can. You will sing "Fat-Bottomed Girls" and intersperse breaks in the lyrics with a cries of "I LOVE FAT CHICKS." You will stick your fist in the lasagna.
You will, quite simply, have the best fucking night of your life.
And in the morning when you wake up with the worst—and I do mean THE WORST—hangover of your life, you will raise your fist to God (you won’t need to shake it, as it will already be shaking) and curse my name.
Jolie Kerr (a pen name) really just wants everyone to have a good time.
Call me when that bottle of Knob Creek is empty.
HA. (That took me much longer than it should have.)
EXCITED CLAPPING AS NO ONE HAS EVER CLAPPED (EXCITEDLY) BEFORE!!!
ME TOO!
(aw man i am just a follower)
Needs floating candy hearts.
The last time I had punch with floating candy hearts in it, the primary non-booze ingredient (or as we like to call it, "the garnish") was rainbow sherbet. Holy God, that was a hangover.
I might add some Everclear to mine, just to make sure everyone blacks out.
I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
I accept!
Great recipe, but maybe the last step should include spreading a tarp in the living room? Just in case.
You had me at "there is beer in the punch."
You had me at "plastic bucket".
Tit flashing and screaming? I had a French Deconstructionist Poetry class in college that was like that.
Jolie, is that you?
I typed "Kerr" into Google Images and the results explain a lot.
I did the same thing!
Wow whoa wow! (The provenance of my pen name is actually incredibly trite and I'll tell you in secret one of these days.)
Made me think of that scene, you know? When Draper tells Olson she's more of a Deborah Kerr than a Monroe or Kennedy. WHICH I LOVE
You are heiress to a lucrative mason jar fortune?
I feel like this should be the first (that I know of, anyway) single-blog-post-to-movie deal of the modern era. (With a VD 2011 release, in contrast to this year's sad ___. Hope?)
As long as Viggo Mortensen is cast somewhere in there.
He'll be bringing the deaf tiger.
needs gin. and drink it through the wiffle ball bat.
I think it is meant to be drank via one of those big plastic ball-scoops.
I have had this punch! At a bridal shower! In Brooklyn!
I once served it at a lingerie shower (OH AND DID I EVEN THINK THAT WAS CLEVER!) It was a half batch, and the ten or so ladies plowed through it in about two hours.
It ended with two of us wearing a pair of size 3X Delta Burke brand panties on our heads. Among other things.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER MAKES UNDERPANTS??
OH SHE DO!
Preferred means of distribution: a Super Soaker 200.
For those of us who don't have access to a Novac Noury, yes.
My laxbro friends used to make this except we drank it via turkey basters. Don't knock til you've tried, etc.
We used to make a similar thing with grain alcohol and drink it out of a plastic duck decoy.
So you were in Skull & Bones too!
We used to make something similar, only with everclear, a trash can and powdered grape drink.
It also involved a laxstick.
shudder.
In college we drank a similar concoction with turkey basters, but it was called Gin Bucket. We were under the impression that the gin killed any germs from the communal turkey basters, because college students are really intelligent.
Ours was called Booze Juice. No frills honey.
@Tyler: Similar theory about ice luges. Also smart.
Does this taste OK while you're munching on lemon squares?
I imagine you could soak it into a rice-krispie treat a la vodka watermelon, no?
That is completely sick, and I like the way you think.
I was concerned the pink lemonade mix would just make everything too tart, but yeah, that could work – thanks!
And everyone knows how to make Fucking Rice-Krispie Treats.
toxic toast! best breakfast you'll never remember.
This recipe makes me feel both better and worse about Mary's new job. AND ALSO THIRSTY!
Oooh and is that your old avatar I see before me on the CONTRIBUTORS poster?
(I still see the passed out lady, and others are seeing Choire's name by my Knob Creek-atar, but yes! That is what it is supposed to be!)
You have to drink it?? I lost my pink man-panties just reading the recipe.
1. NO SHERBET FLOATER?!?
2. They have a drink at the Blue Whale, Fire Island Pines called "Pink Panties", but it is decidedly not the same. ref.: http://gawker.com/270604/the-lowest-tea
It's Schlitz, isn't it?
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs really missed a prime BRANDING opportunity here, didn't they?
Yeah.
We made this for the lovely celebration of my 21st birthday and ended up covering our teeth in aluminum foil and pretended we had grills. THIS STUFF MAKES YOUR MOUTH IMMUNE TO THE AWFUL FEELING OF FOIL IN YOUR MOUTH! the pictures would have been awesome if we hadn't dropped the camera in the punch and then licked the punch of the camera. Sweet ambrosia.
This was as wonderful as I expected it would be. "You will wrestle a deaf tiger." Yes. YES.
1. This post means I will be embarrassed during my meeting tonight.
2. Shouldn't the bucket be stored in a closet of some kind, so that the crystallized sugar evaporates and sticks the walls and ceiling of said closet?
3. Garbage bag in the bucket: pro or con?
Holy christ, we used to make a version of this (delightfully named "wop") in college, except we used sweet wine instead of beer and usually added gin also. The hangovers, regrets, and awful fumbling fingerings that resulted from this shit still wakes me up some times with panicky shame attacks in the middle of the night.
"The hangovers, regrets, and awful fumbling fingerings that resulted…"
Isn't that college in a nutshell?
Reckless floor abandon? Righteous digs in the punch bowl? Thoroughly set-up and delivered-upon Beastie Boys references? Bestill my FUCKED UP heart.
*call her
That's how I always eat lasagna! Yum.
Ok, I just want to go on the record as saying that "Pinky Panty Pulldown Punch" is the most awesome name for an alcoholic beverage ever.
Except I just noticed that, in the title, the name starts with "Pink" instead of "Pinky" (like it does in the post itself).
Which is it? Pink or Pinky? I vote Pinky – sounds much better.
It's Ping.
You forgot to mention you're supposed to hide the wiffle ball bat after mixing. No good can come…
"The Awl Cookbook – Shut up and do as I say"
Right? I want to drink this while Balk orders me to cook a steak.
If you're going to drink this while eating the fucking steak, the floor tarp is a must. Although if you add Tom's mac 'n' cheese to the mix, all bets are off.
And for a nightcap? Pepto Bismol
There will be no night. Just blur and it's +/- 48 hours later.
I'm thirsty.
Milk. Of. Magnesia.
Miss-Kerr-if-you're-nasty, you are a genius.
Question: If I put the wiffle ball in bucket while I stir, will it be extra frothy?
Also, what is the proper drug? Heroin would be way too complicated, and not in the spirit of things.
Crystal laced E? A bong made out a coke bottle,fish tank hose and duct tape? Some low grade cocaine, in done in smeared, uneven lines off a (by that time, sticky, gooey, gross) counter? Dennys?
You probably didn't mean to pose the quesiton to me, but my answer is: just enough meth to keep you from passing out.
3 @ 4
Hi.
Austin St. Denny's circa 1997?
Re-enacting the battle of the bulge, with the french fries up your nose?
Actually that would have been "Gay Denny's" On Davie @ Thurlow.
They are so down with that shit there.
Plate of eggs bacon and toast sitting uneaten + frequent trips to the bathroom + bourbon for your coffee = senior year of high school winter in Vermont @ midnight.
This is a fun recipe, but may I suggest a less volatile alternative for today's single.
1.) Swallow Percoset
2.) Watch TV.
3.)
3.) Maybe answer phone
4.) Probably not.
This is more my speed these days, but #1 usually alternates between "Swallow Percocet" "Swallow Vicodin" "Swallow Xanax" and "Swallow Clonopin That I've Been Hoarding For Two Years For When I Run Out Of Percocet, Vicodin, or Xanax"
Psychopharmaceuticals, like a fine wine or cheese, only improve with age. And like the apples stolen by a ruddy-cheeked youth from Old Man Claymond's orchard, they taste best when pilfered.
I once tried to make punch, but I got stuck at the part where you must procure a wiffle bat.
//insidery
I figured that was a shout out.
It wasn't! The recipe really does call for a wiffle ball bat stirrer. HOWEVER, Ms. Mantooth, the sorochka bit was for you.
Awwww!!! I was hoping it was!
I'd like to know more about what's going on in that picture.
Like "is that feces on that girls back?" or something less inquisitive.
I had no idea Balk had a drunken slutty sister.
I'm killing myself here – I don't know which is funnier: How delighted I am by this comparison, or how HORRIFIED Mr. Balk would be if he were to see it.
my version is simply called The Bucket, must be drunk commmually from twisty straws, and usually ends up with large objects being duct taped to the walls. but this sounds pretty effective, too!
You can't spell Valentine's Day without "Anal yetis vend."
Thanks Jolie! I really want to try this but we don't have powdered pink lemonade mix here in NZ. Could I substitute real lemonade with a dash of food colouring? Or would the addition of natural ingredients sully the spirit of this fine beverage? Would any flavoured powdered drink mix suffice? My plastic bucket gratefully awaits any alternate suggestions from you good people.
I think you could use regular lemonade, yes! Maybe omit the gingerale? You can also use frozen concentrated lemonade.
Other powdered drink mixes are fine as well – I used Tang one year for a Halloween punch, and a random and horrifying assortment of yellow and blue things for a St. Patrick's Day that I'm sure I would want to forget, if only I could remember it.
GOOD LUCK! Send me a full report!
Hurray! Thanks ever so. I shall indeed let you know how it goes.
OMG we used to make Tangria with Tang and red wine. Add one of those lemon cold-drink mixes and it's the weekend, honey!
Do you have that great raspberry gingerale stuff in NZ? Two birds, one liter of pink fizz, etc.
No I can't say I've ever seen that here. Our selections are fairly limited (in comparison to the U.S). Our cereal section is probably only 1/16th the size of yours! Thanks for the suggestion though.
Wait, what?? http://maura.tumblr.com/post/360288625/i-bet-you-jolies-is-better
SHIT JUST GOT REAL
We made essentially this in high school (HA!) and called it Skippy. Used regular country time lemonade instead of pink, though. Given the occasion the pink is much more festive.
Yeah, I've seen a similar recipe called "Skip and Go Naked."
We called our mix Dumpster Juice. Because that was invariably where you ended up sleeping. Now the moniker of an eponymous minneapolis band. Their music has a similar effect with only slightly less alcohol involved.
Oh, thank you. I'm wiping tears from my eyes. This sounds better than Purple Jesus. Roommate and I would like to make it. Just one thing—does it cause blindness? I once saw Jesus with Purple Jesus, so perhaps you wind up seeing pink panties with this?