Pick your poison, because THIS is what’s out there today: “Princess Diana opened her Christmas presents weeks in advance, private letters reveal” or “The Simpsons may affect view of nuclear plants: prof.” It is an ENTIRE INTERNET full of “And That’s When I Clicked ‘Close Tab.’” Can’t we just call it Christmas already?

Serious diversity hits this list, compiled by PopJew, of the cutest boys in the music scene, right around #7: Aaron Lefkove from Liquor Store. “Any cute boyz list would not be complete without at least one Jewish boy.” But just one, we hope. (via the Jew in question.)

A judge found the Fairfax, VA, man arrested back in October for being naked in his own house guilty of indecent exposure on Friday. Erick Williamson, 29, will appeal, and remains at large-and possibly naked.

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to normal, everyday people with a perspective on national issues. Today, we’re pleased to bring you this report by Maria Bustillos, who went to the movies this weekend.

So: Avatar. Here is a story with an alleged anti-corporatist message, underwritten by a huge corporation to the tune of $250 million plus. It preaches closeness with (outer-space) nature, but must have produced CO2 emissions at the rate of a dozen oil refineries. It alleges respect for women, who are shown to be uniformly, pornographically subservient to the alpha males. Its message is anti-violence, but it’s also stuffed to the gills with the glorious super-lethal war machines from which toys and video games can and will be fashioned.

The whole of the planet Earth cringed when James Cameron shouted, “I’m the king of the world!” at the Oscars that one time. But did we learn our lesson? No, we did not. We gave this clown a quarter of a billion dollars to make an even more terrible movie. I am sorry Mary HK Choi et al, but I feel that you misled me gravely. What James Cameron knows about being a fanboy could be stuffed in a watch and rattled. He is entirely bereft of the crucial ingredient of fanboyness: humility.

I don’t say that Avatar is not beautiful to look at; it is. I saw it at a 3D IMAX theater and found the images dazzling, if Disneyfied. However, there is not enough beauty in the world to wallpaper over this writer-director’s crude outlook. He is bully and a boor, graceless, swaggering, self-congratulatory, puerile. He has got the emotional nuance and literary sensitivity of spackle.

The worst thing about this movie is the pretend-not-glorifying of violence. Its lush, slow pleasures are taken in the final gasping breath of a fantastical beast, in long, loving strokes of the camera over scenes of annihilation, over explosions, and people impaled on poisoned arrows, over blue bodies exploding out of helicopters or off of psychedelic space-pterodactyls. These brutalities are expiated with a line or two of portentous Native Hokum every now and then.

The impression of complete hypocrisy was in no way lessened by the glossy war-porn recruitment commercial for the National Guard, produced in exactly the same style and character, that played before the movie (though with no aliens, I guess, and not, thankfully, in 3D).

But no, the really worst thing is the ham-fistedness of Avatar’s alternate history. Okay, so this time the Native Americans are able to throw off the European oppressor. Note well, however, that l’homme sauvage, for all the purity of his Native Wisdom, is still quite helpless without a white man to show him what the hell to do. So what if this “hero” “goes native,” just like in Dances With Wolves? (Even as he goes about gathering “the horse people of the plains” to assist him.) It still takes a white man to tame the really BIG dragon, and to outfox the enemy.

He will also take the “best” woman, the noblest, the highest born, the smartest, whose token resistance will dwindle its sorry way from faux-contempt to near-drooling adoration in a matter of days. Her former man will die, and her father will, too; her whole civilization will lie in ruins. She will pretty much get down on her knees to thank this white man, anyway (see Klaus Theweleit’s Male Fantasies for a gruesome but believable explanation of the underpinnings of that whole business).

Notice how nobody-not the Marines, not the brilliant scientist, not the wise blue natives-can make a single successful move without this white guy. They are all completely powerless and vulnerable until he comes along with his fake self-deprecation and his blunt, forceful manner and his great big muscles. Pathetic. I can’t believe more people aren’t all grossed out, here.

p.s. How come the lovers don’t mutually plug their ponytailed braid genital things together? They plug ’em into everything else.

Maria Bustillos is the author of Dorkismo: The Macho of the Dork and

Act Like a Gentleman, Think Like a Woman.

Clearly, it’s going to be this kind of week, but in any event, please “enjoy” this story about a guy whose Christmas display is apparently upsetting members of his community who don’t think that the spirit of the season is best represented by Jesus gunning down Santa. Also: Isn’t this how “South Park” got started?

Are you preparing for The Holidays or possibly enjoying some The Holidays right now? It’s The Holiday Season in America right now, so please allow me to be one of the many people who will wish you a hearty “Happy The Holidays” this Year Of Our Lord Two-Thousand-Zero-Zero-Party Over-Almost-Ten, OK? I really don’t feature all that crap about how there is a “War On Xmas” and shit just because people say “Hey man, have a Happy The Holidays and a great New Year, umkay?” That noise comes from the same crowd who says Pollution doesn’t Pollute anything, you know?

99% of the people I bestow a “Happy The Holidays” upon are total fucking Strangers, right? How the fuck should I know which The Holidays they do, you know?

I mean, the other day I was on the phone with my Credit Card and I was talking to somebody who sounded like they were at least recently from India or something, and she was nice, and after she told me that if I paid The Money tomorrow, right to the Bank, the phone calls would stop, she said to me to have a good rest of the day and Happy Holidays, so I said back to her, hey, you too, and I know she’s working off a Script and shit, but now I gotta Return the Serve as sort of a simple required-politeness, and I totally meant mine. Brighten the fucking corner where you live, OK?

All I know about the phone-lady is what I could Profile from being on the phone. I used to ask phone-people where they were working, just because I am Interested in what the weather is like in other places Right This Minute and also, for some reason, I think it’s cool to be talking on the telephone to somebody really Far Away, you know? But then I heard that people would yell and scream at phone-collectors and abuse the shit out of them for being Foreigners, so I stopped asking and would instead concentrate on not cursing, but based on my past experiences, usually the people I deal with on the phone are in India, or Utah, or someplace that becomes interesting to me simply because it is Far Away. But I’m not really interested in Utah.

I’m not mad because somebody in fucking Bangalore has a job, you know? Especially a job of calling people on the phone to remind them they’re broke, right? So I figure I got wished a Happy The Holidays by somebody who doesn’t do any of my The Holidays, but why overthink this shit? Just because it is my tradition to do Santa-Claus-Jesus doesn’t mean I gotta burn any calories wondering if the person who wishes me Happy The Holidays does what I do or does what They do, you know? You fucking wish me some Happy The Holidays and I will wish you that shit right back, and mean it. I will not get Offended because maybe you don’t mean Santa-Jesus. I don’t care if you Believe in any of that shit, and not just because I don’t (Believe in things), but because Santa and Jesus do, and They would not get their respective vestments in a bunch because they thought somebody didn’t do them, see?

Also, I usually put “Xmas” just because “X” is a cool letter, and technically I heard the Greeks or somebody would use the “X” as shorthand for Santa Claus, so Merry Xmas, as well, OK? And I totally don’t even worry about saying Merry Fucking Christmas to somebody who doesn’t make Xmas, OK? It is a Positive Salutation, period. When I say “Happy The Holidays,” I mean Happy Your The Holidays, and when you “Happy The Holidays” on me, I process that as my The Holidays. Enjoy you The Holidays!

Anyway, I have frequently enjoyed my The Holidays many times, but I am not really feeling very The Holidays at this point in our trip around the Sun. I mean, if I still have a job when the The Holidays I get a day off for come around, I will totally enjoy my Day Off With Pay and all attending Rights and Privileges, but basically I am broke, and as an American, I realize a lot of Our (as in U.S.) The Holidays are money-centric and good for The Economy, and that totally irks my ass because the Rich People are totally fucking not doing what they are supposed to, to wit; Buying Lots Of Shit for the Economy and to give that shit away in the Spirit of The Holidays, as opposed to The Man mind-controlling broke-ass people into being whipped up by Bargains and shit and getting them to line up at the stores at 4 a.m. in the fucking o’clock of the morning. Have you seen this shit? What kind of proof do any Conspiracy Theorists need that We are being run by The Man? The goddamn fucking teevee news runs all these bits on fucking Holiday Shopping, for fuck’s sake. Look at all the bargain-hunters! Fucking lemmings! Stop trying to make me feel Bad about not buying anybody anything for Xmas, OK? I’m broke. And Rich People, those stupid fucking Lexus ads with the big bow on top of the car? Those ads are for you guys. Don’t feel like you’re limited to buying a Lexus, just please to go ahead and buy a whole bunch of cars and give ’em away as gifts, OK? It will be good for The Economy.

I’m also not very The Holidays-feeling because I put a grand into my Health thing at my job where you put the money ahead of time and then spend it on your Medical Health and then the Health Insurance kicks you back the money and you somehow avoid paying taxes on it, I think. I don’t know. I just went for it, because at work they said it was a Good Idea, but I had a good time living my life this year and didn’t want to spend any time hanging out where a lot of Sick People are (no offense) so now I don’t think I have enough time left this year to go to the Dentist (which I should go to because I re-chipped the tooth I chipped on a fucking beer bottle) or Podiatrist (which I should go to because I need a new pair of things for my shoes because I have the High Arches) or whatever, and pay for it, and then get it kicked back to me. Also, I am fucking broke, so I would have to pay for the Eye Doctor (which I should go to because I have blurry eyes) or the Dermatologist (which I should also go to because I think I have a thing on my leg) before I could get the money kicked back to me, and the only way I could do that right now is to use a fucking credit card, which I think defeats the purpose of stashing money ahead of time so I could save on taxes. My head hurts thinking about this shit. Next year I’m not putting any money into that deal, seriously, I’ll just pay fucking taxes on my Wages and then spend the money. On The Holidays.

Previously: Hate School, or BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMAPOTUS

Mr. Wrong appears every three weeks or so in the Baltimore City Paper, which is not frequently enough, hence he is here. He is also here and here.

The terrific Philadelphian rapper Freeway is set to release his next album, The Stimulus Package, through the independent Rhymesayers Entertainment in February. There are lots of reasons to be excited about this. Freeway’s voice and rhymes and flow on the lead single, “You Know What I Mean,” for example. And that great beat. In fact, the entire album is being produced by the guy who made it, Seattle native G-Unit veteran Jake One. This is extremely rare in rap these days. Most albums (those that ever actually come out, that is) are assembled by cobbling together tracks from various producers-which often makes for a less organic listening experience. In working as a loyal tandem, Freeway and Jake One harken back to such greats as EPMD, Gangstarr, Eric B. and Rakim and the original Boogie Down Productions. More of that, please!

From the inbox: “Media Advisory: Top 125 Dogs in Pop Culture Unveiled. INFORMATION CONTAINED HEREIN EMBARGOED UNTIL DEC. 22 AT 11AM. The American Kennel Club (AKC) and AOL PawNation.com will announce the results of the nationwide poll that determined the 125 most iconic dogs in American pop culture on Tuesday, December 22nd from 11:00 AM — 12:00 PM at the Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum. PHOTO OP: Beagles representing Snoopy — with one dressed as the Red Barron — and Underdog; a Collie representing Lassie and Texas A&M; mascot Reveille (wearing a doggie jersey); Bulldogs representing University of Georgia’s UGA and Georgetown’s Jack the Bulldog (also wearing doggie jerseys) will take center stage and show off their iconic status.” Um, “rowr”?

Turns out that getting smacked in the face with a souvenir statuette was probably the best thing to happen to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi in a rather difficult year: He’s back over 50% in popularity polls, and his allies are hoping to use the sympathy he’s engendered to pass legislation that will once again make him virtually immune from prosecution. You can almost understand why the conspiracy theorists are coming out in force.

“My advice does not contradict the Bible’s eighth commandment because God’s love for the poor and despised outweighs the property rights of the rich. Let my words not be misrepresented as a simplistic call for people to shoplift. The observation that shoplifting is the best option that some people are left with is a grim indictment of who we are. Rather, this is a call for our society no longer to treat its most vulnerable people with indifference and contempt.”
-Father Tim Jones, a vicar from Yorkshire, England, who delivered a sermon on Sunday in which he suggested that those in desperate need steal from large chain stores rather than resort to prostitution or robbery.