Sometimes before I poop out my column I write down some notes. Yeah, I know, right? Har! Also: in crayon. So, my notes for this episode are:

hate school – presdient addressing children about school
support post office – get credit card company to mail you bill

Yeah, "presdient," it's fucking notes, OK?

I hate taking notes because it reminds me of School. I don't think I'm going to get to the whole Post Office thing, but basically I heard the Post Office is in trouble because there's less Mail, so it might be good for The Economy if we all canceled the "paperless" option on all our bills and credit cards and shit and got some US Mail going? I mean, fuck the fucking Credit Card company bloodsuckers, what the fuck am I doing worrying about saving them a fucking stamp, right? Plus, sometimes I forget to pay my fucking bills because they are on my Computer, so maybe if I start getting Mail again I'll be more prompt? Maybe? There is also a separate issue involving Money, but remembering to pay the bills on time would be a start, and I think the stuff with saving trees and the Ecology is overrated. Isn't everything recycled now?

I guess I made a note about School because it's September and that's Back To School time, which I think is just awful, School. I don't even know why I hadda write down "hate school" as a note since every morning (or afternoon, or evening) I wake up, I'm like the guy in the Major Motion Picture Jerry Maguire, starring Tom Cruise and also Renee Zellweger, who somehow has a fat face or always looks like she just tasted something sour, right? I thought she was okay in those "Bridget Jones" movies but this Jerry Maguire was just awful, I know, news flash, way to take a stand, controversy. Anyway, I'm like that guy in the Jerry Maguire who wakes up and claps his hands and then I think he says some sorta Positive Affirmation or something, I don't remember. Boy, that movie totally fucking sucked it. Anyway again, that guy, who claps his hands and is all get-up-and-go, is bigshot movie director the late Billy Wilder, but it's not his fault about the movie or the fact I can't get to what I think when I regain consciousness every day or so, to wit:

I don't have to go to school today.

Seriously, man, for ever.

It's like fucking Christmas and a Snow Day and first day of Summer Vacation for me almost ever day, I'm not kidding. Going to the shittiest day of the shittiest job is absolutely a holiday for me compared to going to fucking School. I can't explain how much I hate school. I can't peck-type words for that. I could scream it, but I can't explain it. I don't even like looking at a school. I don't even like movies with the word "school" in 'em, like School of Rock, and I fucking love movies, man. Although
Back To School starring Rodney Dangerfield was pretty funny, but I really fucking hate school. I guess that's why I never get any response to my annual solicitation for speaking at Graduation Ceremonies, eh? Even though I'm like, a College Graduate and everything.

I don't know why I hate school. I don't even like to think about school, except to remind errbody how I do not enjoy it, but this Obama thing, where he talked to The Children of School all about like, I dunno, what did he even talk about? Was it like "School is Good, don't fuck up," that kinda thing, like "Please Learn Things and Be Smart, we don't need any more fucking football players, OK? We need some fucking Scientists to get us outta this shit, c'mon, we need to invent stuff, not make more stupid movies about going to Fame School to be Famous, are you kidding? They're remaking Fame? There's no fucking ideas left? Look, study hard and be a fucking Doctor or something useful, OK? Thank you, Single Payer Public Option Health Care and God Bless The United States of America, which half of you goddamn fucking little dunces probably couldn't even point out on a map, for fuck's sake, but I'm betting that one's on the Teachers. Thank you. Class dismissed. Health Care."

I didn't have any problem with it, POTUS Obama talking to The Children. OBAMAPOTUS. And Kanye West is a fucking jackass, so what's the big deal, right? And so what if he's going on Letterman, the POTUSOBAMA, he's the fucking President Of The United States Of America, and he is also The President Of Television, OK? I fucking voted for him. Anyway, this whole Talking To The Children In School thing was, of course, somewhat unpleasant for me because it made my brain think of School, but as it thought about being in School, my brain was all like if I was in School, it would be perfectly OK by me to listen to somebody blah blah blah-ing about some shit I wouldn't have to Pay Attention to, unless there was some fucking asshole teacher who was like "OK, The Leader of The Free World is going to talk directly to You, The Children, who are The Future, so after Mr. President speaks we're gonna have a quiz," or some bullshit like that, Jesus H-for-Hussein Christ almighty, are you kidding?" I hope that didn't happen, because it might create some bad associations for The Children, you know? But whatever, fuck them, not my fucking problem. I'm just glad I don't have to go to School tomorrow.

Previously: Coffee Talk

Mr. Wrong appears every three weeks or so in the Baltimore City Paper, which is not frequently enough, hence he is here. He is also here.