Kanye West has organized an unexpected musical collaboration, recruiting Wu-Tang Clan’s Raekwon the Chef to rhyme on a remix of Justin Bieber’s “Runaway Love.” Bieber is 16 years old, the age at which Raekwon started smoking the crack-laced marijuana cigarettes called “woolies.” But Rae told MTV’s Shaheem Reid that the verse he recorded for the track is age-appropriate for Bieber’s presumably less experienced tween audience. “I can go basic when I want to. I can go rated R, I can go rated PG. I definitely didn’t give him anything that I thought was too hot to be spoken on by a 16-year-old… One thing people gotta recognize about me, I’m the Chef. I know how to make spicy food, I know how to make food that ain’t spicy. I made something that fit the criteria.” Certainly, that’s good. But if the world had a better sense of humor, Bieber would be sitting in a bathtub of milk for the video, sucking his thumb.

In other Kanye remix news, a new version of the great “Power” single has just come out. It features an introductory verse from Jay-Z and an unfortunate reinterpolation of the original chorus, replacing the wonderful vocal snippet from King Crimson’s “21st Century Schizoid Man,” with a clunky, much less wonderful recording of the phrase, “No one man should have all that power…” But then it breaks, and switches to a new beat that samples Snap’s “I Got The Power,” and Kanye’s new verses are passionate and exciting. He’s doing really good right now.

Rich People Things, a full-length and beautifully-illustrated book born from our long-running column by Chris Lehmann, is now available for pre-order, only from OR Books. “Social criticism at its scorching-hot best,” says Barbara Ehrenreich! “Rare and devastating wit,” says John Hodgman! (P.S. Pre-orders get a 15% discount.)

“Today” looks back at the Montana mauling of last month in which a black bear killed a man and injured two other people. The bear and her three cubs were captured, and she was put down. The cubs have been placed in a Montana zoo, but, as “Today” continually points out, even though these are three little bears, “this is no fairy tale.” Which is true: It’s a tale of the imprisonment of a group of orphans who still cry out for their mother. In other bear news, there is this story of a fatal mauling in Ohio. Sigh. Make weekend come now.

Shocking news this morning, as a pop star named “Wyclef Jean” who resides in America was said to be deemed ineligible to run for the president of Haiti. The list of candidates who meet the requirements, such as living in the country of Haiti, will be released today.

I’m probably not the only one whose heart gets all fluttery when he sees the words “Gypsies” and “illegal camps” and “deportation” and “repatriation” in the same story, right? (Maybe that is just because I recently re-read Bruce Sterling’s “Black Swan” last night, in which Nicolas Sarkozy is Nicolas the Rat, evil criminal.) Anyway, yeah. The Gypsies! Since we didn’t manage to sterilize all of them in the 80s, I guess Sarkozy can send them out of France and back to Olde Europa. (Which is what? Moldavia?) Just don’t let them near Sweden or Denmark. Or Germany. Or Italy. Or the Czech Republic. Or Hungary. Or Bulgaria.

If only Brad Ferro, a 24-year-old former gym teacher, had, while drunk off shots the color of stop lights, hauled off and smashed in the tanned faces of someone named Ronnie or Vinnie, perhaps then he’d still have his old life. If only he’d taken a step back from that Seaside Heights nightclub bar, dropped his shoulder and thrust his fist violently into the famous abs of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Or, you know, if only he’d decided not to hit anyone. Perhaps then he wouldn’t have been fired from his job, convicted of assault, forced to attend anger management classes and finger-wagged into begging for forgiveness in whatever outlet would have him. But Brad Ferro didn’t do that. Brad Ferro hit Snooki instead.

As a certain demographic will know, calls for Ferro’s head were instantaneous. Save for a few websites — ones frequented mostly by jock party animals — which had some mean-spirited, misogynistic laughs at Snooki’s plight, by and large the public opinion was one of outrage. “How could someone do such a thing?” I remember my co-worker asking, his eyes narrowing as if in deep thought. On one of the countless blogs that weighed in on the Snooki Punch, someone posting as “Brad’s Nightmare” wrote, “Brad Ferro is a fuckin bitch. Any guy that punches a girl has got a small dick and cant fuckin fight in the first place.”

Eventually things got macro. The accusations grew to include both Ferro and MTV, which had profited off the subjugation of women for years, but never so openly. “[S]hould MTV have used the footage?” asked Jezebel’s Irin Carmon. It turned out that the answer was no.

After initially airing Snooki’s attack in a sneak preview of the season, MTV, amid fiery charges of sponsored misogyny, decided to stop showing that bit of violence entirely. It even went so far as to fade to black when the punch finally happened in episode four (not edit it out, mind you, but fade to black). Later, that episode was appended by a public service announcement. It read, “Violence against women in any form is a crime. If you or someone you know is being abused by a boyfriend, family member or total stranger, please call 911.”

At first, this all made sense. But then came episode six.

Titled “Boardwalk Blowups,” the centerpiece of episode six was Ronnie — the Magilla Gorilla to The Situation’s Yogi Bear — beating the blood out of a guy in the middle of the Seaside Heights esplanade. MTV did not fade to black on this altercation; it instead zoomed in, the better to see Ronny knee his enemy in the face and, while straddling his chest, drop heavy blows into the man’s jaw. (Editors did make sure to cut the parts where Ronny called his victim a “faggot” and a “queer,” epithets later uncovered by TMZ.)

At the end of the episode, where a PSA warning against violence had been just two weeks prior, there was a beer commercial.

From there, the fists flew. In episode seven, J-Woww, in a drunken rage, gives a roundhouse hammer punch to The Situation’s face. Episode eight found Ronny back at it, knocking a man unconscious as he and the castmates stumbled home from the clubs. “That’s one shot!” Ronnie screamed victoriously as he literally skipped away from the body he’d just rendered lifeless and prone in the gutter.

MTV thought that was so cute that they ended up calling the entire episode “One Shot.”

We’re now just a few episodes into the Jersey Shore’s second season, and already we’re reminded of that old chestnut: You can take the Jersey Shore cast to Miami, but you can’t stop them from assaulting each other and strangers nearly every day. Thus far, Angelina has smacked Pauly D in the face for not returning her affections and J-Woww has threatened to attack Angelina in her sleep. Previews of upcoming shows reveal that J-Woww and Sammi will tear one another’s hair out in the kitchen. Also, J-Woww — she’s really getting after it this time around! — and Snooki are currently the defendants in a lawsuit brought by a woman claiming they beat her in a Miami club in May. Throughout it all, since the Snooki punch, MTV has either done nothing or intentionally highlighted the brutality.

Based on MTV’s censoring decisions in relation to the show, viewers can infer the following: a man hitting a woman is never OK; a woman hitting a man is fine, especially if she’s drunk or emotionally vulnerable; a man hitting a man isn’t just fine, it’s exciting, and practically a matter of course when “queers” are talkin’ shit; also — and this is the most important point — despite what was said earlier about calling the police if ever you see a woman being attacked, a woman hitting another woman is totally alright. They’ll probably hug when they’re sober!

Triaging and then tolerating certain random, relatively minor acts of violence in this manner isn’t just problematic for the Jersey Shore cast and everyone in its immediate vicinity; it’s also a profound reflection on what American society tolerates when speaking of much grander, much more despicable crimes. It’s resulted in the degradation of the male body as an inherently brutal entity, something that, if not deserving of violence, should at least be prepared for combat at a moment’s notice. The female body, on the other hand, remains sanctified, so much so that, at least on “Jersey Shore” (and “Teen Mom”), women hit, kick and choke men with impunity.

If you look closely, there’s a sturdy bridge between J-Woww casually smashing The Situation in the jaw and the nonchalance with which people in polite society make rape jokes every time a male celebrity goes to prison. Try and imagine sketch comedy shows making light of a husband slicing off his wife’s vagina the way they did when John Wayne Bobbitt was butchered.

Writing at Jezebel, I once asked, “Why is random violence-not premeditated, protracted violence, like war rapes and domestic abuse-something MTV should consider not showing when against women, but air at will when it’s against men?” I was told a lot of things, but mostly that my thoughts were “patronizing” and “reeked of male privilege.” I was told that I didn’t understand the “structures of power” that apparently dictate why men hitting women is markedly worse than men hitting men. I was told, in bold letters, “The widespread socialization of men as violent and women as receptacles for that violence is why this violence is different.” (I was also told to never come back.)

About a year before I asked that question, a man in Australia was killed when his wife set his genitals on fire while he was asleep, burning him alive in perhaps the most awful way possible. A writer at Jezebel briefly covered the murder, illustrating the post with the picture of a hot dog engulfed in flames. Beneath it, one commenter wrote, “That puts a new spin on ‘fire crotch.’” Another wrote, “I am honestly kind of horrified at the levity with which this is being treated.” And yet another opined, “Obviously this is NOT an amusing tale; however, here I am laughing at my work computer, trying to be quiet, with tears running down my face.”

Cord Jefferson also writes at The Root.

Ben Quayle: Competing to represent Arizona’s 3rd congressional district. Figured that enough people would have forgotten his blithering not-Jack-Kennedy father to make his unfortunate genetics a non-issue, yet had the paterfamilias announce his candidacy on Fox News’ “America Live” (a factless daytime chat show hosted by Greta Van Susteren’s understudy) because he is a sniveling and fearful child. Tried to compensate for this transparent cowardice with the ad above attacking Barack Obama-who is not one of his nine Republicans opponents in the upcoming GOP primary-as the “worst president in history,” and delivered his lines as though he were trying to convince an underage hooker to run away with him to El Salvador. Instrumental in the ascendence of TheDirty.com, a sex-themed gossip site whose predecessor counted him among its stable of erotically stunted authors. “He was the guy that, you know, people would send pictures to of hot chicks, and he would put together who he thought was that hottest girl and why,” according to Hooman Karamian, the site’s founder. Wrote under the pseudonym “Brock Landers” due to an admiration for a fictional porn actor of the same name featured in the film Boogie Nights (1997).

Rand Paul: Political novice and candidate for Jim Bunning’s open senate seat in Kentucky. Harbors an ambition to be seen as more insanely libertarian than his father, congressman and newsletter-founder Ron Paul. Ophthalmologist to overly trusting patients unconcerned with legitimate board certification or, by extension, continued eye function. Rabid constitutionalist unwilling to entertain the theory that a 222-year-old founding political document may need updating, especially in cases concerning supplementary federal guarantees of human equality. Supports “reduced taxes so that parents can allocate more of their own funds to homeschooling, if they so desire.” Would sue GQ for printing an strange anecdote about his undergrad days at Baylor University, except that “they make it almost impossible for politicians to win anything.” Did not clarify who the “they” of the previous statement are.

Kevin Yoder: Competing to represent Kansas’ 3rd congressional district. Childless and dogless but has in multiple ads used child and canine stand-ins to convince voters of his sperm’s ability to navigate fallopian tubes and his tolerance for house pets respectively. A scant 1,736 Facebook fans (or 0.25% of his district’s population). Frames attacks on Democratic opponent Stephene Moore solely in uninspired puns derived from her surname. Promises he will “work to repeal portions of the Obama/Pelosi Healthcare Legislation that… lower the standards of health care that Americans expect.”

John David “J.D.” Hayworth: Former sportscaster and ex-congressman challenging noted torture survivor John McCain (R-AZ) for his senate seat in a primary. Suspicious physical resemblance to Charles Krauthammer, may have been born from a malignant growth on the syndicated columnist’s back in the late 1950s. In a 1998 magazine survey of 1,200 congressional staff members on both sides of the aisle, was named second-biggest windbag on Capitol Hill and claimed first place in the “No Rocket Scientist” category. Lost his 2006 house reelection to a Democratic opponent endorsed by several prominent Republicans and refused to concede for a week, demonstrating an infant-like resistance to the notion of realities external to his control. Co-wrote a vastly unsuccessful book, Whatever It Takes: Illegal Immigration, Border Security, and the War on Terror that embraced anti-Semitic ideas on “Americanization” advanced by Henry Ford eight decades prior. Sympathetic to birthers, a fringe group of conspiracy theorists whose main turn-on is frivolous litigation. Appeared on MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow Show to defend his assertion that a Massachusetts Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage had effectively legalized human-horse matrimony.

Trey Gowdy: County Solicitor who defeated incumbent Rep. Bob Inglis in a primary in South Carolina’s 4th district thanks to Inglis’ inadvisable suggestion that his constituents would be better off not watching Glenn Beck. Claimed in an unfocused and grammatically catastrophic ad that “what we really need is … not change or talk, but fight for this country we love.” Says South Carolina requires a senator “who won’t side with the Democrats on global warming.” Hasn’t updated his Twitter or website since his runoff victory over a month ago and has possibly forgotten that there is still the general election ahead. Made the baffling assertion that he is “a prosecutor, not a politician” as though the two positions of affluence and power were mutually exclusive. Blinks as if he has just learned how to blink.

Sharron Angle: Running against Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in Nevada. Compares her campaign to a crusade in allusion to religiously sanctioned barbarisms of the medieval era. Upon expressing her opposition to the legalization of marijuana, remarked that “I feel the same way about alcohol.” Unclear whether she knows alcohol is legal, or that Las Vegas is in Nevada. Aims to abolish the U.S. Department of Education so as to guarantee an incurious and obedient future electorate. Called a $20 billion payment by British Petroleum to victims of the gulf oil spill a “slush fund.” Opposes abortion in cases of rape or incest and claims to have counseled young women in troubled pregnancies to make “a lemon situation into lemonade.” Voted against the fluoridation of drinking water due to crypto-McCarthyist paranoia. Favors a U.S. withdrawal from the United Nations, “the umpire on fraudulent science such as global warming.” Unable to conceal her excitement when wondering if oppressed American citizens may “have to fight for their liberty in more Second Amendment kinds of ways?”

Pamela Gorman: The video should tell you everything you need to know.

Miles Klee is a registered voter.

Say what you will about the Italians, at least they’re-wait, what? “The fact that thousands of Italian families leave their pets to mope around at home while they go on holiday has been a scandal for years. The problem is said to be in decline, with only 7,000 dogs left behind today compared to 9,000 three years ago, but that is still a lot of miserable animals. This year concern at the problem flared up again on account of the new phenomenon of alleged dog suicides: two temporarily abandoned dogs, one in Rome and one in Bolzano in the far north, were apparently so distraught at being left alone for weeks on end that they hurled themselves to their deaths from the balconies of their masters’ apartments.”

by Jordan Carr

There are something like 300 million people in America. That’s a lot, and so some of them are bound to have the same name. And when that happens, the only logical thing to do is to make a chart.

In this case, we present two David Bartons.

In one corner, David Barton, hailing from Aledo, Texas is an evangelical minister who has poked his head into the gay marriage debate, but is most renowned for his ongoing “scholarship,” regarding which he insists that the founding fathers were much more religious than is commonly believed and that this whole separation of church and state thing is bogus.

In the other corner, David Barton, of New York City, a gym entrepreneur whose eponymous gyms are located in Seattle, Miami, Chicago and New York City. Barton is known for his terrifying bulk, changing hairstyles and marriage to 80s party queen Susanne Bartsch-but he is best known for his David Barton Gyms, each of which resembles a nightclub strangling a gym.

Name David Barton David Barton

Location

Aledo, TX

New York, NY

Profession

Evangelical Minister

Gym owner

Marketing Strategy

Hater to the gays

Cater to the gays

But is troubled by their insistence on

Wanting to marry, exist

Meeting over craigslist, having sex all up in his gyms

Wait, did that last New York Times item include the line, “Just how much sex occurs in gym locker rooms — and whether it’s more prevalent today than in the past — is difficult to gauge”?

No.

Yes, but they could have said it was “hard to gauge.” Let’s move on.

Physical appearance:

“A slender five feet eleven, with clear blue eyes, a narrow face, and silvery hair parted neatly on the side, 52-year-old Barton looks a little like Jimmy Stewart”

An “unbelievably large fitness guru and all-around tattoo-and-hair-gel beast”, who “has the beatific smile of a cat lapping cream”

Wife

Cheryl Barton

Susanne Bartsch

What wife is best known for:

Nobody has ever heard of this lady.

Hosting super-fab parties, preposterous toy drives.

Disappointment to her is:

Failing to live up to the teachings of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ

When there isn’t a beaded Armani gown to be found

Redemption to her is:

Found in the teachings of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ

“A giant jeweled chandelier dress.”

Relationship with husband:

They probably talk about Jesus a lot, I’m guessing.

“both are guided by instinct, both are fond of praising one another’s bedroom technique to near total strangers”

Has a child named

Damaris

Bailey

Political activity

Vice Chairman of the Republican Party of Texas, from 1997–2006

Giving Robert Morgenthau a shirt, money to Carl Levin, Mary Landrieu

Joins forces with:

Sarah Palin/Glenn Beck

Svedka Vodka

Advertising strategy

Word of mouth, website, speaking tours

Subtlety, dignity, mixing messages and/or drinks

A long plane flight can be used for:

Reading a good Christian book

Working the glutes

He is ruining America via:

“an all out, lie packed, completely revised, Christian nationalist version of history, designed to muster support for a very clear political agenda.”

“Sweaty gayness”

Here’s live Tweeting from a passenger on the isolated American Airlines plane (SFO to JFK) that received a threat. (via)