Two Men Named David Barton: How To Tell Them Apart

by Jordan Carr


There are something like 300 million people in America. That’s a lot, and so some of them are bound to have the same name. And when that happens, the only logical thing to do is to make a chart.

In this case, we present two David Bartons.

In one corner, David Barton, hailing from Aledo, Texas is an evangelical minister who has poked his head into the gay marriage debate, but is most renowned for his ongoing “scholarship,” regarding which he insists that the founding fathers were much more religious than is commonly believed and that this whole separation of church and state thing is bogus.


In the other corner, David Barton, of New York City, a gym entrepreneur whose eponymous gyms are located in Seattle, Miami, Chicago and New York City. Barton is known for his terrifying bulk, changing hairstyles and marriage to 80s party queen Susanne Bartsch-but he is best known for his David Barton Gyms, each of which resembles a nightclub strangling a gym.

Name David Barton David Barton


Aledo, TX

New York, NY


Evangelical Minister

Gym owner

Marketing Strategy

Hater to the gays

Cater to the gays

But is troubled by their insistence on

Wanting to marry, exist

Meeting over craigslist, having sex all up in his gyms

Wait, did that last New York Times item include the line, “Just how much sex occurs in gym locker rooms — and whether it’s more prevalent today than in the past — is difficult to gauge”?


Yes, but they could have said it was “hard to gauge.” Let’s move on.

Physical appearance:

“A slender five feet eleven, with clear blue eyes, a narrow face, and silvery hair parted neatly on the side, 52-year-old Barton looks a little like Jimmy Stewart

An “unbelievably large fitness guru and all-around tattoo-and-hair-gel beast”, who “has the beatific smile of a cat lapping cream


Cheryl Barton

Susanne Bartsch

What wife is best known for:

Nobody has ever heard of this lady.

Hosting super-fab parties, preposterous toy drives.

Disappointment to her is:

Failing to live up to the teachings of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ

When there isn’t a beaded Armani gown to be found

Redemption to her is:

Found in the teachings of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ

“A giant jeweled chandelier dress.”

Relationship with husband:

They probably talk about Jesus a lot, I’m guessing.

“both are guided by instinct, both are fond of praising one another’s bedroom technique to near total strangers

Has a child named



Political activity

Vice Chairman of the Republican Party of Texas, from 1997–2006

Giving Robert Morgenthau a shirt, money to Carl Levin, Mary Landrieu

Joins forces with:

Sarah Palin/Glenn Beck

Svedka Vodka

Advertising strategy

Word of mouth, website, speaking tours

Subtlety, dignity, mixing messages and/or drinks

A long plane flight can be used for:

Reading a good Christian book

Working the glutes

He is ruining America via:

“an all out, lie packed, completely revised, Christian nationalist version of history, designed to muster support for a very clear political agenda.”

“Sweaty gayness