January 20, San Francisco -4 at Atlanta
NO ONE THINKS THE FALCONS ARE GOOD ENOUGH: A VILLANELLE
No one thinks the Falcons are good enough, Even though they finally won a playoff game. The Niners are a complete team, they will be tough.
Quarterback Matt Ryan surely has the right stuff. Running back Michael Turner has been kind of lame. No one thinks the Falcons are good enough.
Thursday, December 6
Denver -10 At Oakland
Peyton Manning will recreate the flashlight scene from Manhandled 4. PICK: RAIDERS
Sunday, December 9
At Washington -2.5 Baltimore
Bet on RG3; fix your Fiscal Cliff! Lead us to a late field goal. PICK: REDSKINS
Thursday, October 11
Pittsburgh -6 At Tennessee
Troy Polamalu Is injured again. Titans avoid an execution. PICK: TITANS.
Biden -3 v. Ryan
Joe’s always gaffe-prone but Ryan tends to just make shit completely up. PICK: BIDEN
Sunday, October 14
Cincinnati -1 At Cleveland
I grew up Democrat. I have a soft spot for all pathetic losers. PICK: BROWNS
Thursday, September 20
At Carolina -2.5 NY Giants
Cam Newton versus Giants' torched secondary? I smell barbeque! PICK: PANTHERS
Sunday, September 23
At Chicago -7.5 St. Louis
Jay Cutler is not one of those quarterbacks that you want on your team. PICK: RAMS
At Dallas -8 Tampa Bay
Most of Mitt Romney’s 47% are Dallas Cowboy fans. PICK: COWBOYS
The epic conclusion to an entire season of poetic football picks.
New England -3 NY Giants 54
When Yahweh created the USA She put two towns four hours away And in the sports they'd always play Until everyone was sick of hearing about them.
Boston with its chowder, New York with its cocaine Had a belligerent rivalry to maintain. Boston had a strangler, New York, a son of Sam And all the other cities stopped giving a damn.
Four cold dark years ago They met in a southwest state that has no soul. And because the Patriots stopped taping practices They got defeated, the Giants kicked their [...]
Saturday, January 7
At Houston -3 Cincinnati 38.5
The Texans have finally won the South Mostly because Peyton Manning is out. And their quarterback is now injured, too. Leaving their offense completely askew. Receiver Andre Johnson is healthy. Running back Arian Foster's stealthy. But who will be their starting quarterback? Rookie T. J. Yates will lead the attack. The Bengals turn to a rookie as well And Andy Dalton has been pretty swell. Rookie A.J. Green is a Pro Bowler But the Bengals play kind of bi-polar. They tend to be their own worst enemy And three points just isn't enough for me. PICK: TEXANS, THE UNDER