And so concludes this season of poetic football picks.
San Francisco -3.5 Baltimore
Baltimore is one of my favorite places All the tasty crabs, all the friendly faces I like going to watch the Orioles And checking out “The Wire” rows
And so is San Francisco with its cool fog hanging out in the poetry room of City Lights agog I particularly love eating at House of Nanking And just kinda ordering one of everything
Saturday, January 12
At Denver -9.5 Baltimore
We all know that Ray Lewis can still dance. But catch a sure interception? Fat chance. He looks like RoboCop with that arm brace. And half a season out has slowed his pace. Can the Ravens win? It’s up to Flacco. Picking them here might seem kinda wacko. Mile High Stadium air is pretty thin And old guys tend to get tired therein. Peyton Manning leads a vicious attack. He gets five touchdowns from flat on his back. Knowshon Moreno can carry the ball Will the Purple Guys stand up like dry wall? Against the Ravens defense I won’t bet. And [...]
Thursday, November 29
At Atlanta -3.5 New Orleans
Actual great game on the NFL Network! I’ll take that half point. PICK: SAINTS
Sunday, December 2
At Chicago – 3.5 Seattle
My heart says Seahawks but my heart doesn’t really make any money. PICK: BEARS
Thursday, October 4
Arizona -1.5 At St. Louis
The Cardinals still are Undefeated but seem ripe For a huge letdown. PICK: RAMS
Sunday, October 7
Atlanta -3 At Washington
Matty Ryan used to bull's-eye womp rats in his T-16 back home. PICK: FALCONS
At Pittsburgh -3.5 Philadelphia
Michael Vick is one Sack away from becoming A McRib Sandwich. PICK: STEELERS
Thursday, September 13
At Green Bay -5 Chicago Home games at Lambeau shouldn’t happen until the tundra is frozen. PICK: BEARS
Sunday, September 16
At NY Giants -7.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense surprisingly stout but the Giants should play angry. PICK: GIANTS
At New England -13.5 Arizona The Cardinals should chose a random fan for their starting quarterback. PICK: PATRIOTS
At New England -7 Baltimore 50
The Ravens are well known for their defense but so much depends upon Joe Flacco and Ray Rice if they are to defeat the Patriots. Is there any quarterback handsomer than Brady? Let's hope Ray Lewis doesn't destroy Foxborough with his purple death rays this coming Sunday.
If the home team expects to win on Sunday They will need to burn the Ravens' defense. Gronkowski must have a big day in Foxborough And the Pats' D must fluster Joe Flacco. He's certainly not as handsome as Tom Brady. But he could be dangerous against the Patriots.
December 22
Houston -6 At Indianapolis Can Indy's back-up quarterback beat Houston's third- string QB? Who cares. PICK: COLTS
December 24
At Kansas City -2.5 Oakland Deal with the devil Chiefs struck to beat the Packers lasts another week. PICK: CHIEFS
Sports nerds shouldn't be the only ones who get to say smart-sounding sports stuff during this weekend's big game. So here once again to provide you with some Super Bowl small talk is Jim Behrle, Awl football picks haiku-ist. Just for you, he's assembled these highly proprietary pieces of wisdom gained from a life lived in his mom's basement, playing Madden all day. Enjoy!
PRE-GAME
• "It wouldn't shock me to see deposed quarterback Alex Smith play a key role in the outcome of today's game. Just like when Deep Blue moved its rook all the way down the board against Garry Kasparov in a [...]
Saturday, December 22
Atlanta -3.5 At Detroit
Detroit really needs a new city government and a new head coach. PICK: FALCONS
Sunday, December 23
At Green Bay -12.5 Tennessee
I’d take the Titans and the points if you gave me seven billion points. PICK: PACKERS
Thursday, October 18
At San Francisco -7 Seattle
Lose back-to-back games at home and Jim Harbaugh will go Supernova. PICK: SEAHAWKS
Sunday, October 21
At Buffalo -3 Tennessee
Bills are 3 and 3! Tied for First Place in the East! Enjoy, Buffalo! PICK: TITANS
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
At Baltimore -12 Cleveland
Browns have a chance if all the Ravens players get themselves arrested. PICK: BROWNS
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
New England -4 At Buffalo
Last time the Pats lost three games straight Massasoit was the quarterback. PICK: PATS
At Detroit -5 Minnesota
Lions' coach's weird plan to lose in overtime last week worked out great. PICK: LIONS
Wednesday, September 5
At NY Giants -4 Dallas
Giants will sleepwalk through the season and turn it on in the playoffs. PICK: GIANTS
Sunday, September 9
At Chicago -9.5 Indianapolis
Bears' great defense will contain Andrew Luck. But offense can't score. PICK: COLTS
New Orleans -4 At San Francisco 47
The Saints' offense is historically great Drew Brees' production just dominates. They have so many weapons that can score. Even on the road they're tough to ignore. Candlestick Park isn't the Superdome The 49ers defense stands alone. Can Alex Smith and the offense keep pace With the Saints scoring all over the place? If Frank Gore can have a big game rushing and their cornerbacks can be punishing maybe San Francisco can eke one out. Both coaches have serious genius clout. If this was played indoors I'd reverse it. But wind makes interceptions, so that's that. PICK: NINERS, THE UNDER
Thursday, December 15
At Atlanta -12 Jacksonville The Falcons are headed to the playoffs and the Jags are going golfing. PICK: FALCONS
Saturday, December 17
Dallas -7 At Tampa Bay I want to go to St. Petersburg in Russia. Florida smells old. PICK: COWBOYS
January 20, San Francisco -4 at Atlanta
NO ONE THINKS THE FALCONS ARE GOOD ENOUGH: A VILLANELLE
No one thinks the Falcons are good enough, Even though they finally won a playoff game. The Niners are a complete team, they will be tough.
Quarterback Matt Ryan surely has the right stuff. Running back Michael Turner has been kind of lame. No one thinks the Falcons are good enough.
Thursday, December 6
Denver -10 At Oakland
Peyton Manning will recreate the flashlight scene from Manhandled 4. PICK: RAIDERS
Sunday, December 9
At Washington -2.5 Baltimore
Bet on RG3; fix your Fiscal Cliff! Lead us to a late field goal. PICK: REDSKINS
Thursday, October 11
Pittsburgh -6 At Tennessee
Troy Polamalu Is injured again. Titans avoid an execution. PICK: TITANS.
Biden -3 v. Ryan
Joe’s always gaffe-prone but Ryan tends to just make shit completely up. PICK: BIDEN
Sunday, October 14
Cincinnati -1 At Cleveland
I grew up Democrat. I have a soft spot for all pathetic losers. PICK: BROWNS
Thursday, September 20
At Carolina -2.5 NY Giants
Cam Newton versus Giants' torched secondary? I smell barbeque! PICK: PANTHERS
Sunday, September 23
At Chicago -7.5 St. Louis
Jay Cutler is not one of those quarterbacks that you want on your team. PICK: RAMS
At Dallas -8 Tampa Bay
Most of Mitt Romney’s 47% are Dallas Cowboy fans. PICK: COWBOYS
The epic conclusion to an entire season of poetic football picks.
New England -3 NY Giants 54
When Yahweh created the USA She put two towns four hours away And in the sports they'd always play Until everyone was sick of hearing about them.
Boston with its chowder, New York with its cocaine Had a belligerent rivalry to maintain. Boston had a strangler, New York, a son of Sam And all the other cities stopped giving a damn.
Four cold dark years ago They met in a southwest state that has no soul. And because the Patriots stopped taping practices They got defeated, the Giants kicked their [...]
Saturday, January 7
At Houston -3 Cincinnati 38.5
The Texans have finally won the South Mostly because Peyton Manning is out. And their quarterback is now injured, too. Leaving their offense completely askew. Receiver Andre Johnson is healthy. Running back Arian Foster's stealthy. But who will be their starting quarterback? Rookie T. J. Yates will lead the attack. The Bengals turn to a rookie as well And Andy Dalton has been pretty swell. Rookie A.J. Green is a Pro Bowler But the Bengals play kind of bi-polar. They tend to be their own worst enemy And three points just isn't enough for me. PICK: TEXANS, THE UNDER
