Posts Tagged: Christmas
1

The Feel-Good, Feel-Bad Story of the Year

This is a lovely holiday story, about Jabbar Collins, who seems to have been quite clearly set up for a murder conviction by the Brooklyn District Attorney's office. He may not have! Time will tell! Because we'll hear more about this story in another Christmas or two, which will likely end when Collins gets a really big, big payout for the 15 years he spent in prison.

10

Indulge Your Hatred Of Christmas Here

It lacks the full-throttle action of Turkey Fire, their previous entry in the series, but State Farm's Christmas Blaze is actually kind of soothing. It's like a "Yule Log" for people who can't stand the season. And pyromaniacs. Enjoy.

3

Worthless Money Has a Price Now

Best holiday card of the year: the one from (Chicago-based and Objectivist-believing!) CapitalistPig Asset Management, who sent out defunct Zimbabwean currency. Actually, the firm sells the bills, for a rather unreasonable price, as their value is probably something near zero. They also sell t-shirts. (Would you get your portfolio evaluated by a firm that bothered to sell t-shirts? I personally would not. Your mileage may vary.) Keep in mind that, not long before the currency was suspended, an egg cost $50 billion of these "dollars."

13

New Holiday Song: "Christmas With The Family"

We are mercifully approaching the end of the Christmas music season! Just a couple more days and you don't have to think about "Silver Bells" for another year. But I've been thinking: When's the last time we got a new Christmas song, one that accurately reflects the way we live now? Not for a long time, right? So I went and wrote one just now. Hopefully it will join the pantheon of holiday favorites, particularly if someone bothers to set it to music. Anyway, enjoy! I hope you find a little bit of yourself in it. And Merry Christmas!

35

Last Night's Company Holiday Party, Reviewed

This year's ______ holiday party was shocking, groundbreaking. It was-dare it be said-a gamechanging affair. Why? Food. Yes. Food. There was food there. Like, good food. Because whenever you go to a holiday party and get wasted, what do you want? Food! And what always happens? Either A) there's no food, or, B) the food is passed around on trays and you have to elbow your way through packs of people or position yourself by the kitchen entrance in order to accost the servers who emerge from it to get the little mini-eggrolls and then after that whatever other horrid mini-thing (and what the fuck is a mini-egg roll? Like, [...]

20

Christmas Card Leaves Gingers Seeing Red

British retailer Tesco has apologized after one of its Christmas cards, which reads "SANTA loves all kids. Even GINGER ones," unsurprisingly provoked fury in people with red hair, who tend to be the quickest to fly off the handle in explosive rage. "It is never our intention to offend any customer and we are sorry if this card caused any upset," said a spokeswoman for the company, which has withdrawn the card.

4

Insert Your Own Grinch Jokes Here

An Ohio man who claimed to hate Christmas is being sought in connection with the robbery of a Salvation Army bell-ringer. The man apparently stole the bell-ringer's kettle full of charitable contributions. This is a horrible story! It is the Christmas season! The Salvation Army was going to use that money to not hire gays or pay domestic partnership benefits. What is wrong with the world?

4

This Cat F'ing LOVES Opening Christmas Presents

CHIP THE CHRISTMAS CAT IS READY TO OPEN YOUR PRESENTS NOW, RIGHT NOW, GIVE IT HERE.

42

How Are You Handling Christmas?

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Is there an NYC "I hate/ don't do well with Christmas" support group? Need to talk thru some ish.less than a minute ago via webJulie Klausnerjulieklausner

Awl pal Julie Klausner expresses a sentiment so many of us are feeling right now. I think it may have something to do with all the enforced happiness. Also, the inescapable torture of Andy Williams' exhortation about it being the most wonderful time of [...]

26

Real America, with Abe Sauer: Last Minute Christmas Sex Doll Shopping at Spencer's

Those of you heading out to do last minute shopping today may come across a Spencer's. The gift store has been around for more than 60 years. The retailer's 600-plus stores are still mainstays in many of America's shopping malls, providing each new generation of 12-year-old boys with giggles. It's almost a quaint American icon! Except, not really.

13

God Rest Ye In Pieces, Santa Claus

Clearly, it's going to be this kind of week, but in any event, please "enjoy" this story about a guy whose Christmas display is apparently upsetting members of his community who don't think that the spirit of the season is best represented by Jesus gunning down Santa. Also: Isn't this how "South Park" got started?

12

Rudolph The Big-Nosed Reindeer

"About ten years ago, I was doing a weekend of Christmas concerts, accompanied by a fine regional symphony in California… Minutes before I walked onstage the second night, a nervous representative of the orchestra board appeared in my dressing room to tell me that my program was 'too Jewish.' Wow, I thought, who knew that orchestra management played practical jokes on artists moments before their shows? My laughter turned to disbelief when the stuttering gentleman said that there had, in fact, been complaints." -Michael Feinstein, the popular standards singer who looks so much like a cross between Barry Manilow and Jimmy Fallon, has an op-ed in the [...]

69

Blue Christmas

Buzzfeed ranks the ten most depressing Christmas songs. Surprisingly, "I'll Be Home For Christmas" does not make the cut.

26

Ten Christmas Gifts Not To Buy

Here is the world's worst holiday gift guide, from the Washington Post. Bubble bath! Mediocre wingtips! (Here's a hint: if you're going to spend more $550 on wingtips for men, then you can afford to go to John Lobb and get proper ones.) And? Says one gift-giver: "My female friends are getting amazingly colorful one-size-fits-all muumuus I found in Bali." That is from boutique-owner Christopher Reiter, who is going to have zero female friends as of December 26th.

14

Islamic Group Not Exactly Filled With Holiday Spirit

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me an STD. On the second day debt, on the third day, rape, the fourth teenage pregnancies and then there was abortion, raves, claiming God has a son, blasphemy, exploitation, promiscuity, night clubs, crime, paedophilia, paganism, domestic violence, homelessness, violence, vandalism, alcohol, drugs."

22

Krampus Comes This Weekend! Beware Sinister Saint Nick Sidekicks

Christmas is nearly upon us and, with all its commercialism and saccharine rituals, it's all too easy to forget the true meaning of the season. Thankfully, the sanctity of this glorious holiday is still appreciated in parts of Germany and Austria where good, hardworking folk remember that Christmas isn't merely about the gifts; it’s about dressing up like a cloven-hoofed demon, terrifying children with violent, demonic folklore and drinking 180-proof licorice-flavored liquor until you puke.

4

"Santa Needs To Pay The Elves"

Americans as a whole may be too lazy to steal, but North Pole denizens are still on their game. Merry Christmas!

26

Dissident Cleric's Controversial Remarks Pretty Good, Actually

"My advice does not contradict the Bible's eighth commandment because God's love for the poor and despised outweighs the property rights of the rich. Let my words not be misrepresented as a simplistic call for people to shoplift. The observation that shoplifting is the best option that some people are left with is a grim indictment of who we are. Rather, this is a call for our society no longer to treat its most vulnerable people with indifference and contempt." -Father Tim Jones, a vicar from Yorkshire, England, who delivered a sermon on Sunday in which he suggested that those in desperate need steal from large chain stores rather [...]

16

Drunk Santa Isn't Fooling Anyone

"This time of year everyone wants to see Santa, but no one wants to see an intoxicated Santa." I would dispute that-there is nothing that says Christmas to me more than an overweight man in a red suit with rheumy eyes and a vague sense of befuddlement as to how he came to this point in this life-but I understand that my sentimental associations with the holiday are not universal, so I guess I can see the point. I also love how even Wisconsin's youngest children know what drunk looks like.

13

The Further Tyranny of the Christmas Wish List

W "design blogger" Aaron Betsky-who is actually the head of the Cincinnati Art Museum-puts forward his Christmas wish list. I mean: this is a thing I would want as well? Except, for that price, can't I buy one of the lesser islands of Turks and Caicos?