Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013
4

It Is Finally Almost 'Fast & Furious' Time!

I think Springtime Positivity has finally caught up with me now that the Springtime Pollen of Negativity has spent itself and released me from its Deadly Grip, because I feel like my mind has cleared and I am Excited about stuff for the first time in a long time since last time. Firstly, more than the new Star Trek movie or the Iron Man or Great Gatsby or Before Midnight or anything like that, moviewise, I am officially one million percent hyper-mega-ultra-jacked about the new Fast & Furious movie, with cars. Check out this picture I have included, which reveals part of the movie—not Spoilering anything, in my opinion—and I bet this moment of cinema is but a teensy-weensy slice of a fragment of the film at neither its Fastest nor most Furious.

This movie isn’t going to be the most blockbusterish movie of the Summer Blockbusters, this is just another Fast & Furious, just another episode of people driving cars around and over and through stuff and stealing shit, and it’s gonna be great. I love movies about stealing shit, don’t you? Stealing is fun! In movies, I would like to state for the record.

I was going to go and see an “Advance Press Screening” of the shiny new Fast & Furious 6 movie at a Theater Near Me, and “review” it, but I don’t have to see it in advance. I would rather go see this at the drive-ins anyway, because I am fortunate enough to live within driving distance (obeying all local road signs and ordinances) of the majestic and historic Bengies drive-in, and I bet they will be running this bad boy Coming Soon, vroom-vroom.

If you have an opportunity to see a movie at a drive-in, you should check it out, because it is America, if you are in favor of that kind of thing, and a fresh serving of Fast & Furious is perfect for the drive-ins, because there’s a lot of ambient noise and you lose a lotta dialogue at the drive-ins, but generally dialogue is not mission-critical to typical enjoyment of a Fast & Furious.

I am just going to review this movie-still I am showing you, because it is worth a thousand words of pulse-pounding, nitro-burning Action and Thrills that will take you to the edge of your seat and beyond to the Snack Bar, and possibly to the rest room if you need it.

Again, I don’t believe I am Spoilering anything here, but this image depicts an individual person—I will not review who exactly because I kinda can’t tell, but also I don’t care—jumping toward a cool-ass blue car with extra headlights, which means it is a Customized car or possibly Foreign. It is a car that will go fast! I have seen all the movies in the Fast & Furious milieu except for Tokyo Drift, which, I dunno, it didn’t seem very exciting, in terms of Fastness or Furiousity, so I recused.

With that Disclaimer, here is my Super-Xxcited to see Fast & Furious 6 List of Fast & Furious Movies, taken from the Web-pages of IMDb.com, without commentary, already in progress, in order:

• The Fast & The Furious (2001)

• 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

• Fast & Furious (2009)

• Fast Five (2011)

• Fast & Furious 6 (2013)

• Fast & Furious 7 (2014)

That’s right! These films are listed in exact Chronological Order! I know! I said I wasn’t gonna Commentary, but come on, man, don’t you see? Each one becomes more Fast and more Furious. They have to! It’s like a shark, the Fast & Furious, it cannot stop, in fact, it must continually accelerate! Toward the Vanishing Point!

Fast & Furious 6 stars muscle-guy baldo Vin Diesel, and giant muscle-guy baldo The Rock Dwayne Johnson, who I last saw in this movie Pain & Gain, which despite having an ampersand, was not that great of a movie. I know it seems to be easy and popular to get mad at highly successful movie director Michael Bay for ruining everything with his success, but this time, I mean, I’m not mad at Michael Bay, I think he was trying to do something with a super-fucked-up Real Life Story, but I think Michael Bay tried to make only parts of it funny, to make it Real, alternately presenting parts which were Real-Life brutal and horrible, and this confused the audience, so they were laughing at scenes that were not really, I believe, intended to be funny, but they occurred after some funny stuff (not tremendously funny, just more like “can you fucking believe how idiotic these criminals are?” attempted-funny) and then the audience was doing nervous-reaction laughter combined with regular laughter and then followed up with the kind of laughter that made me wonder if the movie was some sort of experiment to see who is more fucked up, Michael Bay or a typical Movie Audience. Michael Bay came out of this cleaner, I think, but he’s in the Brian De Palma zone now with trying out all kinds of cute camera setups and shots when he should concentrate on making a movie with a consistent tone.

The movie-still, look at this thing, study it for a moment. You can see by the spinning wheels, the blue vehicle is going super-fast, and then the white vehicle, a classic 1969 Ford Mustang—I found out the year by looking at this gallery entitled “Here Are The 16 Coolest Cars Of 'Fast And Furious 6,'” the result of waging Google on “cars in fast & furious 6,” but be careful you don’t self-spoiler by looking at the other pictures, because there might be some spoilers, alert—looks like it is crunching down under some sort of tremendous Special Effects road stress, and it looks like it is completely out of control, which, have you ever been in a car you could not control, or dreamed about being in a car and you weren’t steering it and it was going all over? To be completely objective, that’s pretty exciting, and I am betting this feeling of excitement and visceral sensation will be experienced in Fast & Furious 6, “rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action and mayhem throughout, some sexuality and language.” Mayhem!

This is going to be a very feeling-of-being-out-of-control movie, for multiple reasons, going very fast, and then jumping out of an out-of-control car and maybe trying to get on top of the blue car to do something important or heroic.

I think the new Superman Man of Steel movie will be pretty good, mostly because Michael Shannon, who plays the wrapped-way-too-tight Agent Nelson Van Alden on "Boardwalk Empire" is gonna be “General Zod,” who is a really good enemy for Superman because they are from the same planet, so it’s a fair fight. Terence Stamp, who was in The Limey, was a great General Zod back in the 80s in Superman II because he was kinda classy, elegant even.

Also I’m kinda surprised that Behind the Candelabra movie about Liberace is gonna be on Home Box. I thought it was going to be a real movie, you know? I think it’ll be pretty good anyway.

Anyway, right. The longer I study this image from Fast & Furious 6, the more I realize how crazy Fast & Furious 6 will be. I am the target demographic, I think, so I don’t think you should listen to me, unless you can figure out how to filter through my enthusiasm to possibly find some Truth with regards to this movie still.

Meanwhile, on the left-hand side of the photo, there’s a tank. I don’t even know where to begin with this. The tank was probably shooting at some cars, which qualifies it as Furious, I guess, but a tank going super-fast? I am ready to believe it! I also saw a part on a TV spot for Fast & Furious 6 where a car crashes through the front of a giant airplane which is completely on fire and possibly exploding in an intensely violent fashion. I don’t know if you were paying attention to my List, but there’s already gonna be Fast & Furious 7. Thank you.





Mr. Wrong can converse with you via many medias.

4 Comments / Post A Comment

ericdeamer (#945)

OMG! I am so jealous you're going to get to see this at Bengie's. I love drive-ins and Bengie's is probably my favorite one in the whole country. When I still lived in the tri-state area I used to drive all the way down to Bengie's every Memorial Weekend to see the dusk till dawn show of all the big summer movies. Seeing Fast Five in that environment was one of the funnest movie going experiences I've ever had. Now that I live in Ohio, driving all the way to the Baltimore area just to go to a drive-in seems a little over the top.

Mr. B (#10,093)

If the "THE GREAT CATSBY" tag is a typo, please please please do not alter it. If not, A+, carry on.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

I hope they're going to go back to idiosyncratic numbering for the next one and call it: Fast & Furious 8===D~

(Pronounced "eight equals equal equals dee splooge" or "jiff" depending on your preference.)

baber (#244,003)

I am so jealous you're going to get to see this at Bengie's. I love drive-ins and Bengie's is probably my favorite one in the whole country. When I still lived in the tri-state area I used to drive all the way down to Bengie's every Memorial Weekend to see the dusk till dawn show of all the big summer movies.thanks!!!
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