Don't Trust Anyone To Tell You What Time It Is

Personally, I do not believe in Daylight Saving, which we (as in U.S.) are “in” right now, Timewise. Professionally, however (or maybe I should say “professionally” in quotes), I am Societally forced by The Man to conform to the so-called “Daylight Saving” in order to appear in the office at my job and stuff according to Daylight Saving O’clocks, which, in case you are unfamiliar with Time, means that right now you pretend it’s an hour later than it really is until 2 a.m. (“Daylight Saving Time”) on Nov. 10, 2013, and then you “Fall Back,” and “gain” an “extra” hour of sleep or whatever other fun you might be up to at 2 a.m. o’clock in the morning on a Sunday in November. Wow, it’ll be cold again in November, probably.

Even though I am educated enough to put “Daylight Saving Time,” in my head I still call it “Daylight Savings Time,” so that’s like, the extent of my rebellion or whatever, against Time itself, OK?

You might be an hour “behind” most of America right now if you had a Big Weekend and forgot about the Daylight Saving, in which case I salute you for being an Individual, and I hope if you are fortunate enough in these Troubled Economic Daylight Saving Times to have a job, you did not get in trouble for being “late” to work today if you showed up according to the non-Daylight Saving version of Time, aka: Time. Me, I can’t afford it, I need the paycheck so I can make groceries and pay for the castle in which I dwell, otherwise, I would live in a more Primitive fashion and adjust my life to the routine of the Sun, the thing that pretty much makes all things possible in a non-God sense, although I have no problem with anybody who wants to worship it as such, you know? Obey the Sun, man, especially since it doesn’t ask for anything except maybe you should wear some SPF between noon and 3 p.m., Whatever Daylight Time.

I just came back from Vacation in sunny Florida, where they have so much sunlight they get to brag about it on their license plates. They have some oranges, the native fruit, and a picture of the State of Florida, and at the bottom of the plate it reads “SUNSHINE STATE.” New York, for instance, which is a State from which a lot of people rotate into Florida on the regular, reminds you on their license plates it is an EMPIRE, huzzah and big deal.

I also think compared to the more northerly portions of the Eastern Seaboard of These United States of Daylight Saving, the Sunshine State of Florida enjoys longer daylight-days in general in the Sunshine State on account of some scientific facts such as the angle of the Earth or the closeness of Florida to the Equator of the planet, or something? Anyway, they have way more Daylight there, they don’t have to Saving any of it, they Spend Daylight and enjoy life, see?

But the most important thing is not that people in the colder, darker states should be mad at places such as Florida, the thing people should be mad about is how We The People have been conditioned to Believe The Lie and live complacently inside the Conspiracy Theory that is Daylight Saving. Some people say it is a Victimless Saving, but what’s next? Howabout WAR IS PEACE, eh? Or maybe IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH? Hey, howabout FREEDOM IS SLAVERY? Your Government controls Time, man, think about it. Here’s another quotable :

In the end the Party would announce that two and two made five, and you would have to believe it. It was inevitable that they should make that claim sooner or later: the logic of their position demanded it. Not merely the validity of experience, but the very existence of external reality was tacitly denied by their philosophy.

The Party, man, the Government, is telling you 2 a.m. makes 3 a.m., and you are Saving Time! Think about it, that’s all I’m saying here, I’m going to work an hour later or an hour earlier or whatever but I don’t believe it, OK?

One good thing about the Government telling you (as in me) what Time it is (don’t believe it) is the Fire Department now uses the Time/Daylight Time change (lie) to remind people to check the battery in their smoke alarm, as opposed to having people sit around for a couple of days asking each other, “hey, what is that beeping sound?” So that’s a good use of Daylight Saving Time and the De-daylighting of Time, so as a Public Service to the Internet, I urge you to start looking for your smoke detector, or maybe start figuring out why you don’t have one and take care of that, and don’t trust anybody to tell you what time it is. Thank you.


Previously: The Columnist’s Vacation


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