The 17 Best Failed TV Shows Of The 80s (As Judged By Their Openings)

Sarah Marshall: I’m not especially proud of any of the hobbies I used to waste my free time, but perhaps the most inexplicable is my fondness for watching compilations of old TV themes on YouTube. As a general rule, I love all sludgy runoff of pop culture past and present, and the themes to failed 80s TV shows provide its most potent concentration: the montages, the glittery synth music, the streetwise detectives running on the beach in tiny shorts. I vacillate between feeling ashamed of how many no-name actors I routinely recognize, and feeling that I’m spending my leisure time in exactly the right way.

Michael Magnes: It’s oddly thrilling to watch, say, Bryan Cranston, as a twenty-something playing a thug on “The Flash,” or Anna Gunn, face showing the barest hint of the Skyler White rictus, going down to the Jersey Shore on the imaginatively named “Down to the Shore,” and then to watch them on a critically-acclaimed prestige drama. It’s like finding porn in your father’s closet. Or finding out that he was a porn star. Or finding out that he was human. If celebrities are our gods then these are their humble beginnings.

So, in that spirit, here are seventeen of our favorite TV themes from the 80s—the ones that led us to feel the most confusion, amusement, and fear (ideally all at once).

1. “Hello, Larry!”: Before “Frasier” And “Portlandia”

Sarah: Watching TV theme compilations has exposed us to some gems, including the deeply terrifying “We Got It Made,” the apparently chess-based ” It’s Your Move” (described by the good soul who uploaded the theme as “perhaps Jason Bateman’s best TV work”), and my all-time favorite, “Hello, Larry!”—the theme for which convinced us to watch actual episodes, God help us.

Michael: McLean Stevenson left “M*A*S*H” to star in this, one of the biggest turds on American television ever. “Hello, Larry!” is a sitcom about a guy who lives in Portland, Oregon: The song would have us believe that he lives in Portland because he’s a miserable, divorced failure. Comedy in motion! Beats the rape jokes on Chuck Lorre shows, though.

Maybe Larry was really the original hipster. In some ways he was. McLean Stevenson left the most popular TV show in existence to star in a sitcom about a newly divorced, radio shrink man raising his daughters. I know, I know. A radio shrink in the Pacific Northwest? That’ll never work! Ever! Not even if they do an episode where the hoity-toity radio shrinks bonds with his working-class cop father by watching “Antiques Roadshow.”

In season one Larry had a morbidly obese sound engineer as his witless comedic foil, but producers replaced him in season two with Meadowlark Lemon of the Harlem Globetrotters. The theme song goes on to say, “You talk to people all day for a living, but all those easy answers you are giving—are you really living your life that way? Portland is a long way from L.A.” Get that tattooed on your face. You see kids, Larry is recently divorced and has to raise his kids, but he’s a miserable failure so he has to move to Portland. Portland in the 70s. Somehow I doubt there was any craft beer or Thai food. He was probably murdered by a serial killer after season 2. Just like the ending to “Frasier”!

When was the last time a TV theme song backhandedly insulted the town it was in? Any show that doesn’t take place in NY or L.A. normally takes some kind of perverse pride in its loser city status. Look at “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.” Nothing wrong there. Seems like a nice town. “Cheers”—who wouldn’t want to go to Boston if that’s the kind of bars they have? Or, uh, what’s another show that took place outside of New York or California. Uh… and didn’t have David Kelly involved. Oh, I don’t know, “Deep Space Nine.”

Sarah: I’m torn between taking offense at the characterization of Portland, my beloved home, as a city of failures, and vastly preferring that characterization to the one that Portland has now. Portland may now be crammed with free-range organ meats and redolent of rhubarb-sage compotes and oh God I can’t even finish this sentence because it’s the start to every lifestyle magazine article written about Portland in the last five years. But before Portland was a twee wonderland, it was the town where Mrs. LaVona Harding beat her daughter Tonya with a hairbrush as punishment for a lousy skating routine , the town where Bambi Bembenek limped into hospice care and D.B. Cooper boarded a 727 with an extortion plan so crazy it just had to work. So why can’t it also be the town where McLean Stevenson came to bask in obscurity—Portland! ha!—and milk some alleged humor out of his new hometown?

Michael: The point is that themes are supposed to make the location seem homey, comfortable, safe, an enjoyable place to stick around in, and not the armpit of America. People would have you think that this show never existed. No one talks about it. It’s not even on ION, and they play that episode of “Criminal Minds” where Jason Alexander is a serial killer all the time. “Hello, Larry”: ode to the terrible town, the show that television history wants to forget–but if we forget the sins of the past, we’ll just have more episodes of “2 Broke Girls.”

2. and 3. “Voyagers!” and “Cover Up!”: Have Prop Gun, Will Travel Through Time

Sarah: 80s TV themes also take you down some strange rabbit holes. When I stumbled across the opening for “Voyagers!”, a kind of proto-“Quantum Leap” that was canceled after only 20 episodes, I was immediately smitten. The show, which centers on professional time traveler Phineas Bogg and child history buff Jeffrey Jones, includes an episode in which the characters somehow interact with Cleopatra, Isaac Newton, and Babe Ruth, and another in which have to keep Princess Victoria from marrying a Russian duke (who for some reason has to win a shooting competition with Annie Oakley). I can’t help feeling that my childhood would have been vastly improved if the show had lasted for eight or nine seasons instead of one.

What I read more about the show’s star, however—the slightly Ryan O’Neal-esque Jon-Erik Hexum—was even stranger. This site has already delved into the glory that is Hexum, and you probably have to watch an episode of “Voyagers!” yourself to really understand how odd it is that the show wasn’t successful, boasting, as it did, a jodhpur-wearing, basso profondo Harry Hamlin knockoff. The real question, though, is why he wasn’t in anything else, and the bizarre answer is this: after “Voyagers!” was cancelled, Hexum starred on a new show, “Cover Up,” about a female fashion photographer (Jennifer O’Neill) who teams up with an ex-Green Beret (Hexum, of course), who goes undercover as a male model so they can fight crime together. (I know.) While filming the eighth episode of “Cover Up,” Hexum got bored between takes and fired a prop gun at his temple, accidentally killing himself when the force of the blank round propelled a quarter-sized piece of his skull into his brain. To make matters even stranger, his costar, Jennifer O’Neill, had accidentally shot herself the year before in her own home, while trying to find out if an illegally obtained handgun was loaded or not. (It was.) O’Neill, who also starred in David Cronenberg’s Scanners in 1981, has now been married nine times to eight husbands and currently runs a horse farm in Tennessee. You can’t make this stuff up.

Now, “Cover Up” is the kind of show whose actual premise is too insane to be topped by anything you might conjecture if you were just watching the theme blind, but other openings provide a little more room. Michael, for this next round, I’m going to play you some of the stranger and more wonderful themes I’ve come across, and let’s try to figure out what the show was about. (There are Wikipedia entries for an astonishing number of these failed shows, but where’s the fun in that?)

4. “Star of the Family” (1982): We Already Miss You, Jon-Erik Hexum

Sarah: So I’ll go first. My best guess: As you can tell from the horrifying jump-roping that starts a few seconds in, Michael Dudikoff plays Skippy, a burgeoning serial killer a la Patrick Bateman, for whom obsessive exercise is the only way of staving off homicidal urges. Brian Dennehy plays his long-suffering father, also the only one who knows Skippy’s secret: that he has already murdered three Linda Ronstadt-esque country/rock singers, and will undoubtedly kill again. This is bad news for Dennehy, whose beloved daughter Melinda is also trying to crack into the Ronstadt knockoff business. Every night he watches her on TV, comforted by the fact that she remains unharmed, but nonetheless helpless in his attempt to choose between his two children in a dilemma or Oresteian proportions.

5. “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” (1982-1983): River Phoenix’s Finest Hour

Michael: Seventeen seconds into this and I’m confused. Sarah, what is? Is this a show about seven brothers marrying seven cows? Or are those buffalo? I’m from Long Island! I don’t know how animals work! Or marriage! Or if the sun revolves around the earth or the earth around the sun or a turtle or what.

Oh good. Now the lyrics come in and I’m watching a Tide commercial. Also there are clearly five brothers on horses. Not seven. Way to count.

Oh hey! Richard Dean Anderson (aka MacGyver) is one of the seven brothers (even though I only saw five) searching for seven brides, as the theme song tells us, and he’s riding a horse and not marrying a cow. I think.

Tim Topper as Evan. That is all.

So seven successful cattle ranchers are tired of having sex with their cows, and each other, so they’re looking for seven brides. They also like soft jazz. And Jeeps! They wrangle their cattle with Jeeps! That’s how farms work, right? With Jeeps!

“Dreaming, visions at night of the life they’ve planned” means dreaming of boning ladies and not each other, which is the sad reality of the seven brothers.

Sarah: Personally, I’m more intrigued by “Loving each other and living with pride.”

Michael: IT’S RIVER PHOENIX, EVERYBODY. AS GUTHRIE. I used to have a poster of River Phoenix up above my bed. You, know. The one of him in black and white and he’s soulfully playing the guitar. Playing probably “Polly” by Nirvana.

Oh hey, a lady. Man. I hope she’s not the only bride in the show. From what I can tell the brothers have to fight to the death to marry her.

Sarah: My personal theory about this show is that it depicts the seven sons of a couple of Broadway actors, who love “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” so much that they moved out west to try to make the story their reality, while also making the Wyoming theater scene something to write home about.

6. “Paper Dolls” (1984): Possibly The Greatest Show That Has Ever Existed

Sarah: My GOD, there’s a lot going on here. Let’s break down what we learn from these credits.

• This is a show about ladies who put lipstick on with A BRUSH! So, you know right way, they’re better than you.

• The show’s characters are not just beautiful but INTIMIDATING to you, middle-American woman aged 24-36, since they wear silver bat wings and pin all their hair directly above your foreheads. So you’d better watch, or they’ll make fun of you and your shitty Jordache jeans. (The characters on this show haven’t even heard of jeans.)

• Houston, we have Morgan Fairchild.

• And a tired Lloyd Bridges.

• “Introducing Nicollette Sheridan.” Riding a seashell to shore.

• One night, Zeus descended to the earth in the form of a thousand doves and mated with Morgan Fairchild. She gave birth to Jon-Erik Hexum, Nicollette Sheridan, and 50 Bonne Bell Lip Lites.

7. “Jennifer Slept Here” (1983-1984): Turns Out, Ghosts Only Sexy When Played By Patrick Swayze

Michael: Ah! Jesus. What a way to open a show. Floating eyes and the lyrics kicking in: “Hello!” This is terrifying. “It’s me!” Who? Who’s talking to me? “And only you can see me.” God. Where’s my Lexapro. I’m having an anxiety attack right now. “I just saw the most beautiful ghost in the world.” So, am I to understand this is a show about a man in love with a ghost? “And she slept here.” In my room! OH MY GOD! BURN IT DOWN!

The entire opening credits are rendered in artists’ sketches, not unlike police sketches. I’m not sure who the ghost is, but remember that scene in Ghostbusters where Dan Akyrod has sex with a ghost? Yeah. He insisted that be in it, probably.

I kind of want to watch every episode of this now.

8. “Murphy’s Law” (1988-1989): Not To Be Confused With “Murphy Brown”

Michael: Is George Segal a detective? Shouldn’t this show be about a lawyer and not a detective? This feels like a “Mad TV” parody of a TV show.

Sarah: I’m going to admit right here and now that, as a preteen, I harbored a vague crush on George Segal. So I wish I could settle in with a tape of “Murphy’s Law,” which makes the interesting choice of exploring the sexual tension between George Segal (already fairly old and somewhat portly) and a beautiful, much younger Asian-American woman. Segal looks like he plays a slightly sleazy Times Square talent agent who makes most of his money off peep shows. Meanwhile, from what I can surmise, actress Maggie Han plays a beautiful spy who takes a job in Segal’s peep show in order to escape surveillance from her old bosses at SMERSH. Josh Mostel obviously plays one of a host of Newman impersonators employed by George Segal’s Rent-a-Newman business (for work! play! or home!), “Hello, Newman!”

A fun fact about Maggie Han, per her Wikipedia page: “At the age of 16, Han enrolled at Harvard University. Upon the suggestion of a stranger, she contacted a local modeling agency and began working part time. When she was offered more jobs than she could handle, Han decided to pursue modeling as a full-time career. Partway into her sophomore year, Han went to Paris and modeled for six years. When she returned to America, she went back to Harvard to finish her studies.” If anyone could have saved Jon-Erik Hexum from his own idiocy, it was Maggie Han. Also, imagine their children.

9. “Lady Blue” (1985-1986): Post-“Falcon Crest”

Sarah: One of the many 70s and 80s gimmick shows in which the protagonist being a lady and a cop was enough of a gimmick by itself. (Actually, this is still pretty much the case.) Obviously, this show was built around the premise of a strong “will they or won’t they?” vibe between Jamie Rose of “Falcon Crest” and Danny Aiello, and was immediately canceled when the showrunners realized that Danny Aiello is in fact an asexual organism.

10. “Raising Miranda” (1988): Walter White In LA Gear

Michael: It’s Bryan Cranston (as Russell) and he has a mullet, bad stubble, and a sleeveless shirt. It looks like he plays a wacky neighbor or something in this one. Two people are raising Miranda, but we don’t care about them. Maybe this is where it all started. Maybe this is where Bryan became the one who knocked. Maybe it’s about him murdering a family. I mean. Look at that smile.

(Note: We’ve broken this story into two pages solely to keep from breaking anyone’s browser.)