Wednesday, January 16th, 2013

Shall I Compare Thee to a Tournament Rose Dipped in Whipped Cream?

• "She holds out her right arm to show me her tattoo of Marilyn Monroe. All that remains of Marilyn is a few drops of black against skin that is the color the moon possesses in the thin air of northern winters."—Stephen Marche on Megan Fox, Esquire, February 2013.

• "Her skin is lined and slightly worn and depends on light from other sources—from her eyes, from her smile, even from the hounding incandescence of television."—Tom Junod on Hillary Clinton, Esquire, February 2008.

• "I can't help but notice her skin. It's the smoothest skin I've seen outside of a Clinique ad."—A.J. Jaocbs on Rosario Dawson, Esquire, April 2006.

• "[T]he soft light makes her skin look as creamy as café au lait."—Leslie Bennetts on Nicole Richie, Vanity Fair, June 2006.

• "[T]he sting of emotion that starts, always, in her nose and restores, instantly, the freshness of her face and the color of her eyes; the shimmer of her skin, which is so white since she's forsworn the sun that it can light his way in a very dark room…."—Tom Junod on Sharon Stone, Esquire, November 2005.

• "[H]er skin is akin to some sort of dairy product (a pale kind, pick your brand)…."—Bill Zehme on Heather Graham, Esquire, April 2000.

• "She's wearing gray slacks, black shoes with no socks, and an unbuttoned white man-tailored shirt over a T-shirt so short it reveals the stripe of her belly, which is so pale it's almost blue, the color of ice milk…. She will clutch at herself self-consciously and twist her body in provocative fashion, or at least in a fashion that lifts the hem of her shirt and reveals the ice-milk border of her belly…. She is painted in four colors, and four only—red, pink, blue, and ice-milk white—and now there was creamy brown froth on her lips, like something left by the tide. She licked it off with her tongue's dainty pink tip…. Nicole is ice-milk white…. We assumed various positions: head to head, head to feet, curled up, straight out, staring at the ceiling, staring at her, eye to eye, pillow to pillow, her ice-milk belly, her ice-milk ankles."—Tom Junod on Nicole Kidman, Esquire, August 1999.

• "[Gretchen Mol has] a face like a tournament rose dipped in whipped cream"—Ned Zeman on Gretchen Mol, Vanity Fair, September 1998.

Matt Haber also has some skin.

15 Comments / Post A Comment

Pop Socket (#187)

Kinda chilly in that photo studio, wasn't it?

I don't know what's worse, Leslie Bennetts describing a mixed-race person as "cafe-au-lait" or Tom Junod saying "slacks."

sigerson (#179)

@My Number Is My Address – the former, I think. Isn't cafe-au-lait actually a really terrible color? Think about it. It's not actually even very close to the color of Nicole R.

saythatscool (#101)

The girl next door has beautiful soft skin.

I'm wearing it right now.

NinetyNine (#98)

"Her skin was the color of cake, which she was eating too."

Matt (#26)

"Her face was kinda Southern-looking now that I think about it. Oh man, television is on TV right now!"

jfruh (#713)

If I laugh at this, does that mean I can't make "John Boehner is orange" jokes anymore?

Smitros (#5,315)

Their skin makes me cry.

NominaStultorum (#1,638)

@Smitros That's it, sir, you're leaving. (The crackle of pig skin.)

hockeymom (#143)

Only women have skin. Girls, really.

hershmire (#233,671)

Mistake #1: Expecting a general-interest mens' magazine to fairly describe women based not on their looks.

Mistake #2: Assuming we all have skin in this game. (Had to make the pun)

GailPink (#9,712)

Their called DMRS, check them out Gretchen.

bassknives (#2,903)

On the other hand, they wouldn't be puff pieces if the authors had to stick to the quality of their work.

skahammer (#587)

God, I miss the days when Gretchen Mol was a thing. How great was life back then?

brittanywatkins (#240,908)

ok report

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