I don’t know about you, but I am tired of this New Year already, you know? Over it! And I blame Last Year and thinking about Last Year and a Look Back at Last Year and Last Year in Review. Can we just have regular time all the time now? Isn’t it time to do stop doing this and start doing that? Can we just have Normal Year this year? No Rear in Review-Preview stuff? No more New and coming soon, just, now? Just, like, more days, onward in one-day increments? No more looking back? Or forward? Or anything? Can we just do stuff? Let’s review 2013 now, OK? You do you and I’ll do me: Here’s my review of 2013: Over it! Let’s just move on dot org and live our lives, OK? People should do Elevated things like Science and Medicine and Helping Others, but the rest of what seems to be in store, man, I am gonna channel some Dumb Animal this year, I’m not kidding, otherwise I’m gonna be down on the floor in a darkened room with the Migraines. I am going to approach a lot of things like a dog or maybe a marmoset or a woodchuck or something that is a placid and pastoral animal and just live in the moment, you know? But not a bovine. Meanwhile, I’m not gonna do jack-squat extra stuff this year, and it’s gonna be so great. For example, can we just talk about what we’re gonna have for dinner or a movie we’re gonna go see, just for this week right now? Can we have some pleasant conversation for once, is that too much to ask? Seriously, I’m not saying be Stupid or even just Ignorant, go ahead and read the Internet for News and stuff and be aware of your politics with these fucking asshole jerks who are in the Government.
Jesus Christ, OK, wow, I’m veering, man, but sidebar: If there’s anything to vote for, any Public Office, just vote against whoever is in the job, or whoever’s been in the Game longer, fuck ‘em, out. OUT. Get the fuck out and come and get a real goddamn J-O-B like the rest of us. You want to serve? Then Serve, motherfucker, you don’t need to be elected to do that. You can do a lot of good for the Nation without your cush government gig, and I am thinking about this Mitt Romney fellow, who, what’s he doing now? Sure, it’s OK to take a vacation from six years of running for President of the United States, that’s cool, but now since they got the Official and Legal part of the Presidential Election wrapped up howabout maybe getting into a non-Leader way of helping, huh?
Fucking ego, man, these goddamn Leaders are all highly overrated. And also same goes for that blowhard Barney Frank who “retired” and now all of a sudden he wants to come in and be the Hero of that whole bullshit phoney baloney Fiscal-kill-me-now-but-make-sure-you-line-the-gun-against-your-own-head-first-and-I’ll-take-the-trickle-down-bullet-Cliff. Jesus Lord Mahavishnu Orchestra, man, all y’all Governmenters, let’s just start with Congress, you are cordially invited to leave office, you all stink. All of you. You’re all bad. Even the good ones. Get out. Man, 2013 sucks, but I’m not reviewing it or making a list, it just is, I can’t do anything about it, and don’t talk to me about this stuff, especially you, Tea Party, be quiet.
Did I pay attention too much last year to stuff I shouldn’t have? Did it make a difference, all the attention that was paid? Attention: Must it be paid? Am I already paying too much attention this year like last fucking year? Do you think the looking at Last Year was completely out of control Last Year? And spilling into This Year? I’m already afraid of it for This Year this year and This Year next year, you know? Fuck it! Let’s make a rule that you can only review Last Year when it’s that year so there’s no Looking Back to ruin my New Year next year, OK?
Furthermore, I want a week that’s like, a Normal Week, where Nothing happens. Unremarkable Week. No lists, no obligations, no having to look forward or back, no Plan. If we make it a holiday, it defeats its own purpose, like those atheists who have meetings, so I’m gonna have my own personal relationship with 2013. And I’m not telling you what to do, but I think you should, too. Be your own year! I’m gonna not-lead by non-example. Start by not taking pictures of your dinner plate and putting it on the Internet. That’s an easy step. Everybody knows that’s just a thing people do and nobody cares, so there’s no damage, right? Just quit that. And if you see that, Do Not Want it, you know? Delete, or un-whatever, Quit, Out. I want that, let’s do that, I mean, seriously, you can do what you want, but I’m making that happen this week, that is my latest Resolution, which I reserve the right to have whenever I want, not just when there’s a New Year, OK? My year goes forward in all directions, including backwards. No more New Years excuses to make lists! There is only: Resolutions, which I will downgrade, hyperbole-wise, to: Things I Am Going to Do, like normal people should, just let’s have some things to do and sure, maybe make a list so you don’t forget, and then accomplish these things. And keep it to yourself, because nobody fucking cares, man, really. From now on everything you do needs to be Less Important, except like, lunch and what time are we having convivial beverages. Stop talking about everything and get some shit done, and don’t talk about it after you do it, just go enjoy Life, OK? Let’s go!
I certainly enjoy the times of year when there are Holidays because that’s an excuse to not go to work and maybe eat and drink too much, but I also enjoy the times of year when there’s nothing, and like, right now, it’s the most Nothing Time of the Year! Enjoy it! Live it! You know what I got going on this week? Tuesday! That’s what I got! Never mind! Besides, what do you care! Right! Yeah! Also, since there’s no movies with cars crashing or rocket ships or space aliens, I’m going to see that Zero Dark Thirty movie about how they (as in Us, as in US) killed Osama Bin Laden, and I will treat it as a work of fiction so I don’t get into any arguments about which parts were bullshit besides: All of them, because: Movie. Also this week I’m gonna do this recipe for “Flank Steak Pinwheels” I saw on public television, which is almost all cooking shows now on weekend mornings, where you get a piece of flank steak and pound the bejeezus outta it with a food-hammer, and then you spread Basil Leaves and sliced-up Portabello Mushrooms and Blue fucking Cheese all over the flattened-out meat, and then you roll it up, and jam skewers into the roll and then cut it sideways and grill that shit in a pan, oh, man, that’s gonna be good. And then I’ll enjoy that with a nice big bottle of wine, because I Resolve (for my health) to guzzle hella way more wine in the upcoming Right Now and then I will likely fall asleep on the couch watching “Shahs of Sunset,” or maybe that cray-cray on “Homeland,” or that “Boss” show with Kelsey Grammar, I can’t believe they cancelled that shit before I finished watching it, damn. You might have a birthday or some personal items you have to remember soon, and that’s fine, but there’s no giant Holiday on my stupid calendar that I have to do stuff for, so it’s straight Nothing for me.
It’s fucking awesome, man, let’s go see some entertainment or have lunch again, hah? I’m having two lunches a day this year whenever I want, that is my Resolution. Lunch for Breakfast, Lunch and Breakfast-Brunch for Lunch, Lunch that goes so long it becomes Cocktail Hour and then Dinner Lunch. I also Non-Resolve to Go Someplace, as in Travel, and Do Nothing there, that’s the best! Going to a place is an Activity, and then once you get there, doing Zero is a choice, man, it’s a pastime! I totally Resolve to do more Nothing this year, it’s gonna be great, man, I can hardly wait. I might even do it by myself or in groups. I’m doing it right now. Mostly lunch, probably, that’s low-impact and I need to relax because this year is kicking my ass. Also: Happy New.