Monday, December 3rd, 2012
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My Holiday Shopping Plan

Now that we are experiencing The Holidays—and don’t kid yourself about that—I would like to extend a belated happy Black Friday to anyone who observed or experienced that Holiday, or whatever it is exactly, like maybe an Economic Day of Obligation? Non-religious Holy Day?

I don’t agree too much with the idea of Black Friday, and I try to not judge people who want to have Black Friday. You wanna shop, go and do that thing. Shop till you pop, Black Friday, and now, what, Thanksgiving, Brown Thursday, they got you shopping now? Wowee, go ahead and go shopping on Black Friday Eve, fine. They might run out of your items at the nice price, so go and get you some, and, ultimately, it’s all good for the Economy, right?

Advertising whips up The People into a Feeding Frenzy of Consuming, and people go forth and buy stuff, which is just like the Election and the voting, seriously, all the kabillions of campaign dough that get spent on TV ads where the opponents start out with The Issues and then end up assassinating each other’s character? Those are fun, eh, the cheap-shot negative ads? Does anybody say they went to vote because they saw an ad on TV? Nobody, right? I wouldn’t, even if I did, I mean, I think it sounds dumb to say you would do that, right? I would never admit I am dumb, let people figure that out for themselves, I always say. It would totally make you look dumb, to say you voted because of an Advertisement. But still, there are all these ads! That’s a lot of fucking money that gets spent on those commercials, man, and whatever other stuff you need for an Election: websites, brochures, flyers, leaflets, stickers, buttons, shit like that? Coffee mugs? Does a button for a candidate make somebody vote? No way, right? But somehow, The People get all lathered up to go vote and the companies that make stickers and websites get paid for helping, so that’s good for the Economy, when people spend money on goods and services.

So as far as all the shopping, people are already going to buy stuff because of The Holidays, that’s not going to change, right? What do you care when they do it? I mean, you will probably buy some stuff because it is The Holidays, but you will do it on your own terms, not because you saw an ad for the Midnite Madness with a bunch of flatscreens for sale for the first hundred customers or whatever.

The other thing that happens now as The Holidays continue is this Cyber Monday thing, where people who probably never set foot in a store on The Day Before Black Friday Formerly Known as Thanksgiving, or on the actual Black Friday itself, can sit on their ass in front of a computer (or stand up at their standing desk because sitting on your ass all day will kill you) and buy stuff. If it was simply about buying stuff, everyone would stay home on the Internet or the QVC and stuff on cable. People who Cyber on Monday are people who take no Joy in being out in The World with People buying stuff, and I can understand that, because being Out There with People is frequently disgusting. Some shoppers just want the stuff, and now with Cyber Monday, they can get a deal, maybe, and do it while they are at work, right? And it slows down the whole fucking Internet, doesn’t it? My computer was slow at work on Cyber Monday and somebody told me it was because of all the shopping. Is this true? It doesn’t concern me that you thieve time and Internet off your company while you Cyber Monday, but if you are slowing down my computer, you are now a problem.

I will maybe try during my The Holidays to buy stuff for gifts from a local place that doesn’t sell stuff made in China, unless it’s something that should be made in China, which is what? What do they have at Target that should be Made in America? I don’t have any illusions about Target, man, they are just a nicer Wal-Mart. I always go and buy some stuff from my local merchants, and guess what, that shit costs more, because my local merchants don’t sell in volume, and they don’t make their employees work on Holy Shit Thursday (I gotta work?) and stupid fucking Black Friday so that hordes of frantic people can get a deal on a microwave made in China.

I sincerely hope anyone who didn’t really want to work on Black Friday or Pre-Black Thanksgiving Thursday was not conscripted into service, or at least if they were drafted, I hope they got paid extra to be in the midst of all that rabid bargaineering for those deals. They should get paid extra. Since it’s good for the economy, Thankshopping and Black Friday should be U.S. Holidays, and people should get paid extra to work those days in stores, which are the Churches of Shopping, non-denominational. Then maybe with that Thursday and Friday officially designated as Official Government Shopping Days, we can just have Thursday Before Black Friday and Black Friday on the calendar and then move Thanksgiving to the Thursday before, hah? That would work for a few years, right?

You gotta figure Black Friday must also be a big day for Shoplifters, eh? Lots of confusion, way too many people in the store, mayhem, screaming, fights, rudeness, children., etc. I don’t know from Black Friday, man, I would never go to a store on Black Friday, are you kidding me? Look what happened to this one shoplifter, allegedly, an alleged Shoplifter who was allegedly choked to death at a fucking Wal-Mart, Jesus Christ, seriously, Wal-Mart? I think if you are a shoplifter, the last thing you think is ever going to happen to you is that you will be executed summarily on your Happy Hunting Grounds. I will of course wait for the Wheels of Justice to grind, but I am not optimistic about this case. The tree of Shopping must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of shoppers and shoplifters.

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3 Comments / Post A Comment

BadUncle (#153)

I'm keeping it safe and simple. I'm cashing in the tattered remains of my sundry 401K plans and buying my friends and family an assortment of wooden spoons and airline bottles of Drambuie.

EmmsGrey (#241,911)

Your holiday shopping plan sounds really great and in my opinion it is one of the best that I read or heard until now. I remember that last month I went out to buy some serving tools and I ended up shopping a lot more than I wanted. It is good to leave home with a plan.

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