Have you been on a vacation lately? As your Travel Advisor, I recommend you should go on one right away while we still have a pre-cliff Economy and stuff. I’m not kidding, you don’t know what Our Government is gonna do to us next, so go and get some plane tickets to someplace right away and have a Vacation.
Based on my own recent experiences, I suggest you Vacate to the country of Mexico, and I’m not here talking about going to the places in Mexico where the Drug Wars are going on, people behaving like that with guns, nor am I talking about going to some beach-resort place where you have an “All-Inclusive” and spend all your time laying around the beach wondering about if you should tip on your All-Inclusive, because doesn’t All-Inclusive mean that it’s All-Inclusive, and you don’t have to tip? Not me, I would never wonder about that. I tip for everything, because it makes people happy, you know? Do you realize you have the power to make people happy all the time just by thowing them an extra dollar or its equivalent in a Foreign Vacation Currency? If you have the money to have a Vacation and go places and eat things, then you have the money to tip, and having the Ability to tip is like having a Super Power, seriously. Personally I don’t support the idea of a non-tipping All-Inclusive, but if you have a good time at the All-Inclusives, please to go ahead and Inclusive all over yourself to your cold, shrivelled, and stingy heart’s content.
Me, I recommend going to OAXACA, MEXICO and getting all the tlayudas you can eat. Google that tlayuda thing, man, it’s worth it! I just got back and I can’t wait to go again. Isn’t that what a good vacation is supposed to be about? Also, everything in Mexico is really cheap, so you can tip big, and those of you who might not be of the All-Inclusive persuasion but are still rolling your eyeballs right now and going “oh, it is so vulgar to overtip,” you can go and tlayuda yourself, seriously, how can you not enjoy having a world-class meal at a really nice restaurant, the kind you would be dropping like, a couple, three hundred bucks of U.S. Dollars on here in America, for like $50 a head Over There and then getting all weird and percentage-pointy on the tip? I watched one of those Rachael Ray programs once where she was traveling on $40 a day or something like that, and she was showing the math of her day, and she ate at a little cafe someplace, and you know how she stuck to her budget? She didn’t fucking tip.
That was it for me and Rachael Ray, man, are you kidding me? You got served and didn’t tip? Wow, screw you, Rachael Ray—if that is your real name—you’re not ruining my vacation, man, I’m going to Mexico where you can tip big and Be Somebody. Yeah, it makes me feel good to tip people, absolutely, I worked hard for my money but if I can bring some tiny incremental Joy into some waiter or hotel person’s life, then it makes me happy to do so. And I don’t care if I get profiled as an American Tourister, like we (as in U.S.) are supposed to feel bad about still coming from a country where we can go to another country and have a fucking Vacation and spread some cash around? What the hell is your problem? When I go on Vacation I don’t worry about trying to “blend in” or whatever, I know I am just gonna fucking Radiate that I am a Tourist, and I am OK with that, because that is exactly what I am: I am a tourist. I have never been Here, wherever that is, so I am gonna ask dumb questions and mangle the Native Tongue and try and learn something in case I ever decide to come back, and again, I am totally gonna go back to Mexico the next time I get the chance. Mexico is way better than Canada in terms of being Contiguous and a place to travel to, no offense to any Canadians, including the Quebequois, a lot of whom don’t believe in Canada anyway, but for the purposes of this discussion, I am lumping you in with all of Canada, again, just saying, Mexican-wise.
One thing about going to Mexico, though, you are going to think about poop. I mean, firstly, most places you go to, when you use the bathroom—which is called El Baño in Español, the language of Mexico—as in “Dónde está el baño” in Spanish, or “Ou est la baño,” in really bad Spanish, you are not supposed to flush the toilet paper. You are supposed to deploy the paper and then put it in a little trash can near the bowl. It’s takes some getting used to, habitwise, and you will think about it a lot if you have never done this before. So it will become a topic of discussion with your traveling companions, mostly like, “Hey, did you remember to not flush the paper?” Also, since you are in Mexico you will be thinking about catching that Amoeba or whatever and getting some gastro-intestinal distress from eating some fruit or drinking some water out of the faucet in the hotel room, like, by getting your toothbrush wet and brushing your teeth or forgetting not to rinse your toothbrush with non-spigot water. Unless you are by nature a dry-toothbrusher, you will do this, you will consume unfiltered Mexican water, and you will start to think about your poop. You will also notice in Mexico there are a lot of signs for the baño, which shows the high level of Civilization of the Mexican Peoples, seriously, they should have this many public baños in the United States of America. Here you have to walk into the Starbucks and pretend you are gonna buy a Frapuccino or whatever before sliding into the baño, whereas in Mexico you could just go to a place with a big neon sign called BAÑO and pay a little money for some baño relief. I went to a bunch of el baños in Mexico and they cost like three pesos, five pesos, and that’s like a quarter, fifty cents, totally worth it. I might try and start a dollar-BAÑO business in America, seriously, and do that whole thing like they do at the racetrack, where there’s somebody in there all the time with deodorant, hair stuff, a little Drakkar Noir or whatever, all your grooming aids, and yeah, you gotta tip that guy.
Previously: Your Lunchmeat Vs. The Machines
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