Did You Still Not Vote Yet? Here Is One Good Reason Why: Paul Ryan

Everyone’s going to say the same thing, you’re going to hear it all day, sorry to be so boring. Oh, do please go vote.

Now, if you are Canadian, or a felon, or both, which is pretty likely with YOU PEOPLE, I am very sorry. How annoying, I am sure. Or perhaps you messed up your voter registration and you are cowering in shame in your hovel. That is legitimate.

As for the rest of you… do you know how to vote? It’s not hard. Here’s a handy step-by-step guide.

But I would very much like you to vote. I have heard the arguments about being “implicated” in a “system of compromise” and therefore “not wanting to vote.” To you, I say: EAT DICKS IN SPACE.

I mean honestly, don’t go to the supermarket then if you can’t deal with being implicated. An abusive system that keeps poor people poor brought that food to your table, oh no, better stop eating. YOU ARE implicated.

Not voting is fine, in a system in which every candidate is absolutely identical. But really, they never are. It’s just that the big two candidates are very, very similar.

But do you not remember the last New York City mayoral election? When Bloomberg kept putting it out that his third term was in the bag? Guess what! IT WASN’T. But no one really went to vote, and he squeaked by on your apathy.

And sure. Voting is a funny combination of hard and easy. Like most of you probably, I have an argument with myself every election about “voting my conscience” versus “voting practically.” This year, NOT THAT YOU ASKED, I was pretty seriously bent on voting my conscience. That would mean voting for neither the Republican or the Democratic candidate. This is the “but they’re both pigs” theory, which is legit. And you are totally welcome to vote for Roseanne or whomever you like. I mean I was pretty close.

But over the last month… Paul Ryan made me vote for Barack Obama, as a clear way to say “I am among the people who am horrified by Paul Ryan, and I will use my vote in a way that is perhaps distasteful to me against Paul Ryan.”

Dick Cheney was a monster who should never have been allowed to live in the Naval Observatory. And while Paul Ryan’s not the terrifying, crushing, battering ram of a capitalist brute that Cheney was, I actually think that Paul Ryan is more deadly. He embodies the Republican plank, and if you have not read that plank, you should do so. It is pretty harrowing.

Mitt Romney—eh, poor Mitt is just a guy who doesn’t understand why he’s not more popular, because everyone’s always liked him, and he doesn’t understand why he can’t explain that he believes whatever it is that we all want him to believe at any given moment. But Paul Ryan is a true believer. Paul Ryan wants to amend the holy crap out of the Constitution. And even though he’s also a pig at the trough like Cheney, unlike Cheney he fervently wants to create a Christian nation out of the United States. No thanks.

Paul Ryan is literally out campaigning on his belief that “traditional marriage” is an “American value.” He is out campaigning on the idea that “unelected judges” shouldn’t decide what the Constitution says. He believes “our faith informs us in everything we do.” The word “our” in that is not acceptable. He believes a fetus is a person. He is also only 42, and we have to start dealing with him now.

In any event: you were warned. Do what you want with that.