Friday, November 9th, 2012
21

Being James Bond Also Makes You Get Really Old, Very Quickly!

First he looked kind of younger, and THEN WHAT, jeez ....America's favorite British spy/murderer is back in the new blockbuster Skyfall, and once again we are all wondering what it is about playing James Bond that makes actors get very old almost immediately. Is it some kind of English curse? Just look at Daniel Craig. Yes, a very handsome man with very blue eyes and very pronounced biceps in a state of "perpetual plyometric engagement," but the dude is only 44 years old! He's six years younger than Tom Cruise, who still looks about 25. Anyway, this so-called English Curse That Makes Bond Actors Super Old is a real thing, which can be documented with photographs, so that is exactly what we have done for you.

First: Very young and sexy! Later: Old goblin.
Next, beloved Scottish icon Sean Connery, who began the James Bond series as a smooth-skinned youth … but ended it just a few years later as a bald, pot-bellied pig. In the same time it took Paul McCartney to basically go through puberty, Sean Connery aged a quarter of a century, boom. Later, People magazine named him the "most sexiest man to ever live," because that was a thing for a while. And despite being basically the same age as Harrison Ford, Sean Connery played Harrison Ford's dad in one of those Indiana Jones movies. Is the English Curse also a Scottish Curse? Probably.

Who is that gross old man on the left? Why it's 'Sir Roger Moore,' who was once a youngish James Bond actor.
The worst James Bond was this guy, Roger Moore. Reportedly a very nice/pleasant man (and a KNIGHT, because of the Queen or whatever), Sir Roger Moore went from 1970s heartthrob (we guess?) to doddering geriatric in what seemed like about six months. Don't let this happen to the handsome men in your life.

From super hot early '90s Bond to ... Michael Bloomberg?
Timothy Dalton was a very underappreciated James Bond. He was hard-ass, and The Living Daylights was the best 007 movie in, who knows, probably 10 years in either direction. But, because of the dreaded English Curse of Her Majesty's Secret Service, tough-but-handsome Timothy Dalton rapidly deteriorated into something like The Gollum. He is still a good actor, though, and recently played a Space Monster on Doctor Who.

Perhaps the greatest comeback in showbiz history ....
And then there's "the forgotten Bond," the suave Pierce Brosnan, now best known as teevee's Brian Williams.

The stupidest beard since whatever Brad Pitt is probably doing right now.
Ha ha, actually this is Old Pierce Brosnan, preparing for his Broadway role as Kentucky Fried Chicken mastermind Colonel Sanders in the upcoming musical Franchise, the Musical!

This movie also killed the career of Louis Armstrong, who died shortly after recording the title song.
Finally, we have George Lazenby, ""a popular figure on Twitter" (?), and also a respected Australian fashion model who portrayed James Bond in the gritty and weird On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Then the producers brought Sean Connery back, in a toupée and girdle. Lazenby did get old, but not in a particularly fast way, and also maybe nobody was looking?

Well she is beautiful, isn't she? Not like that horrible old what's his name, James Bond.
But the Bond curse does not always do terrible things to the series' actors … especially if they're actresses. One example is Maud Adams, she of Octopussy and The Man With the Golden Gun, who is now 67 years old and, as you see in the picture on the right, from just a few years ago, looks amaze. Perhaps this is because of the goddess/princess Diana, who watches over the Bond Ladies and would still be England's queen of hearts at 50, if she hadn't been killed by the Saudis or Prince Charles or whatever. Leave the killing to James Bond, the agent with a license to kill and also a license to get super old very quickly.


Related: Villainous Hair


Ken Layne portrayed Agent 007 in the classic 1954 American television version of Casino Royale.

21 Comments / Post A Comment

deepomega (#1,720)

That's why we gotta replace Craig with Idris Elba.

@deepomega Boom. Truth bomb.

jfruh (#713)

@deepomega NOOO WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE IDRIS ELBA OLD??? IT'S LIKE YOU DIDN'T EVEN READ THIS!!!

deepomega (#1,720)

@jfruh I figure by the time he's had a few Bond movies we'll finally have perfected our rejuvenation technologies!

lavendergooms (#201,560)

@deepomega Dammit, I wanted to be the first to say this. Iiiiiidris!

hershmire (#233,671)

@deepomega A black sheriff?

jfruh (#713)

Also this happens to literally every president! Though probably because when you're president you see and learn and have to do horrible, horrible things that you can never come back from. Anyone else notice that Handsome Barry is slowly turning into Vincent Price's mixed-race half-brother?

deepomega (#1,720)

@jfruh Vinnie Obama.

wallsdonotfall (#6,378)

No alternative explanation for the rest of them, but isn't Craig's haggardness a result of his 0.5% body fat? Dude was never exactly baby-cheeked, even ten years ago. (But the hat that makes him look like Eminem's dad isn't helping.)

flapadactyl (#12,522)

@wallsdonotfall Right, and could it be that the genetically thin skinned Anglo-Saxon types just don't age well? Coupled with being ripped dudes = less subcutaneous fat to begin with = those English/Scottish thin skins tend to droop earlier. No curse, just selection bias…

laurel (#4,035)

I always expect Timothy Dalton's eyes to blink from the bottom up. Or for him to lick his own eyeballs.

Secret reptile is what I'm saying.

City_Dater (#2,500)

Tom Cruise only "still looks about 25" from 30ft. away, and possibly because there's a clothespin under his hair holding his face taut.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

But do ex-Bonds reinflate after a few years like ex-Presidents (see: Bill Clinton) or is the effect permanent?

Multiphasic (#411)

@stuffisthings I think it's more that Clinton went vegan and moved to Austin and likes Sleater-Kinney (I'm guessing).

scrooge (#2,697)

Don't forget, before he was 007 Roger Moore was The Saint

Binne (#231,278)

Those comparisons are of images taken decades apart. What's the point, here? What do you think you're going to look like in 20 years, huh?

@Binne You make a good point. What kind of website is this?

Binne (#231,278)

@NotAndersonCooper — SnarkForMillennials.com

Nylund (#239,347)

Roger Moore was 58 when his final Bond movie came out. 58 year olds tend to look kind of old! (unless they've had a lot of plastic surgery).

EquipEquanil (#239,363)

Lol they look old maybe because the character being portrayed by James Bond is so serious. But all the movies of James Bond is remarkable! Great stories, really action-packed and worth watching!

noahlaith (#239,367)

Pierce Brosnan is really gettin' old..

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