Why 'The New Yorker' Doesn't Have A Public Editor

I think I’m gonna buy myself a pair of those toe-sock-feet things, the shoes with toes in ‘em? You know, like a glove for your foot, but it has a shoe part? Is that a fad? I don’t want ‘em if it’s a fad, I mean, I want ‘em, but if it’s a fad, then I would wait for it to be over before I buy so I can get the Nice Price, you know? Sometimes with important stuff like this you need to drain all the emotion out of it.

I have pretty good feet, I think. If there were Photo Opportunities for feet, I bet I could totally get a job as a sock model, because I think I have the perfect foot to be displayed in socks. I know, lotsa people think they are good-looking enough to be a model and they aren’t, but I’m talking about my feet, okay? I think I have a pretty realistic sense of if my feet are photogenic or whatever. I haven’t actually spent any time comparing my feet to other feet, though, and I can’t remember any place where there are pictures of feet in socks. Maybe one of those L.L. Bean catalogs, I bet.

But I have this one problem with my feet, man, my pinkie toe is starting to bug me because it’s, like, trying to slide under the toe next to it, I don’t know the name of it, the fourth toe, lemme see if there’s a name for it on Google, hold on.

Ha! Yeah, surprise, it’s called the “fourth toe,” or the “ring toe,” because that’s a joke on the “ring finger,” I guess, on the hand? Wow, I learned way too much about the foot on that Wikipedia page: did you know the Big Toe is also called the Great Toe, but its real name is the “hallux?” There’s also a whole bunch of stuff about “Symptoms of toe pain” that I really needed to stay away from because otherwise I’ll get the hypochondria. Anyway, my pinkie toe lately, it feels like it’s trying to curve under or something, you know? I guess they both are. I don’t know if this is one of those things where you become Aware of something so then you think about it a lot and it starts to happen or what, but I think if I can get a pair of these foot-glove shoes, I bet that would help, like corrective shoes for the toes. Each toe would have its own place to be, with no overlapping.

I don’t even know where to start with these foot-glove shoes, I mean, I don’t even know what you call ‘em, but for the purposes of this discussion, I will call them foot-gloves, or maybe toe-shoes. So, like I was saying, I don’t even know where to start, because I want to get a Deal, but it’s hard to shop when you don’t know the name of the thing you are dealing on. I’m going to try to Google “foot glove” and see how that goes, hold on.

OK, wow, I seriously did not think “foot glove” was gonna pay off Google-wise, but right up at the top is the Vibram FiveFingers website, and they even have on the same line: “barefoot sports shoes” (which makes no sense) and “toe shoes,” which does make sense, but then when you think about it, it’s like little tiny shoes for each toe, so then it doesn’t make sense. There’s another Web site for foot gloves besides the Vibram one and it’s www.futglove.com, and on the site it is spelled “Füt Glove,” which is pretty funny, having it be all umlaut-Germanic-looking. Umlauts are funny, man. Every time I see the word “umlaut” after not seeing it for a while, I always wonder why “umlaut” doesn’t have an umlaut—or diaeresis, or diacritical mark, if you will—in it, like “ümlaüt” or something, but that wouldn’t make any sense, because the thing, the diacritical mark, the two dots, which is called the “trema,” is for when you need to make a funny-sounding German sound, but also technically whenever there’s a word like “cooperate,” or “coordinate,” because the two o’s that are next to each other in those words are supposed to have a li’l stop in there so you don’t say the word incorrectly, like “ooh” sounding, you know? The only place I ever really see it is in The New Yorker, and it always looks, I dunno, quaint or something, very Ye Oldde, you know? I would like to ask The New Yorker about their umlaut policy, but I get the feeling they don’t really like to answer questions about stuff. I would like to be one of those Ombudsman there at The New Yorker, wow, what a skate job that would be. Like, they have that “Public Editor” thing at The New York Times, where you get to ask questions about the paper, and the Public Editor tells you about why they do stuff, and a lotta times they totally bag on the paper and say how something kinda sucks (except they don’t say “it sucks,” because: The New York Times) but I bet if they had one of those at The New Yorker, it’d be like:

Question: Hey, The New Yorker, why is there that big white strip on the left-hand side of the cover sometimes?

The New Yorker‘s Public Editor Replies: “. . .”

Question: Hey, The New Yorker, what’s the deal with all the ads for rehab and psychiatrist places in your magazine?

The New Yorker‘s Public Editor Replies: “. . .”

Question: Do you have any plans to have that guy with the big hair or the lady who does all the shopping articles do an article about foot-gloves?

The New Yorker‘s Public Editor Replies: “. . .”



Previously: Things You Can Purchase For Your Cat At Rite Aid


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