Friday, August 24th, 2012

Paper, In Order

17. Wrapping
16. Toilet
15. News
14. Towel (included only because it should be called towelpaper)
13. Fly
12. Construction
11. Rice
10. Printer
9. Tissue
8. Origami
7. Sand
6. Ruled
5. Rolling
4. Wax
3. Wall
2. Butcher
1. Blotting

Edith Zimmerman edits The Hairpin and is 100% sure there are no papers she left off this list.

Photo by Oleg Golovnev, via Shutterstock

58 Comments / Post A Comment

GiovanniGF (#224)

This is very handy if you're Mexican (like I am) in Arizona (which I'm not), as cops there really like asking for your papers.

rj77 (#210)


Mr. B (#10,093)

@rj77 Vellum!

Vicky (#7,168)

Graph? Or is that a subcategory of Ruled?

GailPink (#9,712)

Toilet paper will always by Number 1 in terms of necessity.

ejcsanfran (#489)

@GailPink: Or Number 2.

willystaley (#7,688)


Astigmatism (#1,950)

Apparently _somebody_ cheaps out and doesn't spring for Charmin Ultra Soft.

Edith Zimmerman (#5,210)

@Astigmatism Oh I don't use toilet paper

ejcsanfran (#489)

@Astigmatism: That Charmin Ultra is AWFUL! Way too thick – it's like trying to cram a blanket between my cheeks.

blergh (#177,628)

@ejcsanfran Charmin Ultra is nothing, absolutely nothing, in comparison to the abomination that is 4-ply toilet paper in Austria. It sounds nice. If two-ply is good… three ply, no! four-ply would be even better, following Marquis de Sade logic.

Um. No. Too plushy. Not, uh, other things. I was desperately poor, and yet that toilet paper, which was not cheap, sat in my bathroom the entire time I lived in Austria. As a joke, I started to bring 4-ply toilet paper to people in the U.S. as a gift (mostly to people I didn't like. Don' ask. Also, this might explain why invitations to housewarming parties and the like fell off substantially.) Anyway. Charmin Ultra: Not So Bad In Comparison to World Other World TPs.

Why do you hate the moon?

@NotAndersonCooper And tigers.

laurel (#4,035)


C_Webb (#855)

@laurel Federalist

laurel (#4,035)

@C_Webb Funny

laurel (#4,035)

@laurel Rachel

C_Webb (#855)

@laurel Peterkin

Folding, stacks of.

Mr. B (#10,093)

0. Scrap

deepomega (#1,720)

-1. The paper that comes wrapped around a stick of butter.

Mr. B (#10,093)

Also I'm pretty sure putting wallpaper at #3 is going to be dangerously controversial among the paint-preferring Millennials.

Mr. B (#10,093)

And what if wallpaper were used as wrapping paper? WHAT THEN?

sox (#652)

@Mr. B Have you seen the prices on those fancy pants new modern wallpapers out there? No one's paying that much to appropriate it as wrapping paper.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)


whizz_dumb (#10,650)

alternatively, Bible

Mr. B (#10,093)

@whizz_dumb That poisoned "linen paper" from the Aristotle book that the blind monk rips out and eats at the end of The Name of the Rose.

No mention of the paper I wrote for my honors thesis? I got an A!

laurel (#4,035)


/finally read the alt text

Smitros (#5,315)

No love for white or position papers?

@Smitros Or funny.

mBrad (#1,276)


mBrad (#1,276)

@mBrad Papyrus?

mBrad (#1,276)

@mBrad Tracing?

hockeymom (#143)


Lemonnier (#14,611)


laurel (#4,035)


SmudgeTheCat (#5,143)

Rolling paper? Come on folks. It's like you never rolled a joint?

@SmudgeTheCat #5

Smitros (#5,315)

@SmudgeTheCat Don't bogar that thread, my friend . . .

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

So now it's safe to assume that Edith trips balls on the reg?

hman (#53)


dado (#102)


#56 (#56)

Carbon. Google it, millennials.

@#56 ditto

barnhouse (#1,326)


Adiko Josh (#237,392)

@barnhouse Glassine it is.

Leon (#6,596)


BobL (#47,604)


willystaley (#7,688)


Eric Spiegelman (#3,968)

Ilford Pearl

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