Friday, June 8th, 2012
8

The Moon Is Trying To Kill Us All

"[T]he changing force exerted by the Moon as it orbits—the same thing that drives the tides—creates subtle differences in the position of the hardware within the [Large Hadron Collider]. The differences are tiny for any individual piece of hardware, but they add up when it comes to something as big as the LHC, which has a circumference of nearly 27km. Plus, the LHC hardware is very, very sensitive to being out of alignment, given that it has to accurately direct bunches of protons that are moving at nearly the speed of light. The net result is that the LHC's operators sporadically have to tweak the beam's alignments…"
—All of the doubters and lunar apologists amongst us who have attempted to discredit my campaign against the moon… don't you feel ashamed now that you know your precious piece of stupid space rock is trying to trigger the tiny black holes that will destroy the earth? You should! Never trust the moon. We can only hope that it is as incompetent as it is ugly and useless.

Photo by fotum, via Shutterstock

8 Comments / Post A Comment

hershmire (#233,671)

It's lonely at the top.

BadUncle (#153)

Thanks to the miracle of Roku, I've been catching up on network TV. And I just learned that Buzz Aldrin and Liz Lemon both hate the moon, too.

Yamara (#9,395)

Vengeance will be hers.

barnhouse (#1,326)

That's just what happened with the second Bush administration–only their incompetence saved us, but they managed quite a lot of mess even so.

jfruh (#713)

Balk, have you considered that the moon might just be trying to kill you, with the rest of us being merely collateral damage?

If the moon is in league with shitty Dan Brown plot devices, I'm on board with blowing it the fuck up.

hockeymom (#143)

There's no worse apologist than a lunar apologist.

Ralph Haygood (#13,154)

"tiny black holes that will destroy the earth": Stop teasing us, dammit!

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