The Moon Is Trying To Kill Us All

“[T]he changing force exerted by the Moon as it orbits—the same thing that drives the tides—creates subtle differences in the position of the hardware within the [Large Hadron Collider]. The differences are tiny for any individual piece of hardware, but they add up when it comes to something as big as the LHC, which has a circumference of nearly 27km. Plus, the LHC hardware is very, very sensitive to being out of alignment, given that it has to accurately direct bunches of protons that are moving at nearly the speed of light. The net result is that the LHC’s operators sporadically have to tweak the beam’s alignments…”
—All of the doubters and lunar apologists amongst us who have attempted to discredit my campaign against the moon… don’t you feel ashamed now that you know your precious piece of stupid space rock is trying to trigger the tiny black holes that will destroy the earth? You should! Never trust the moon. We can only hope that it is as incompetent as it is ugly and useless.

Photo by fotum, via Shutterstock