Friday, January 20th, 2012
23

A Drynuary Diary: Week Three, The Bargaining

Jolie Kerr: Merry Everythingisterriblenuary, John! Three weeks in. Are you as despondent as I am?

John Ore: It's the Doldrums of Drynuary. Adrift in the middle of the month, coping mechanisms running low, no land in sight, wind out of your sails. Brings up all sorts of existential questions. Also, I keep seeing an albatross for some reason.

Jolie: Week Three is basically the March of Drynuary. Oh but! Speaking of coping mechanisms, I have a question for you: why do I feel like bringing O'Doul's to a party is cheating? Rationally I know it's not, but I feel like it is? #feeeeelings

John: (My birthday is in March, so tread lightly.) See? Existential questions. The answer is: because there's actually a little bit of booze in it? LIKE COOKING WITH WINE (ahem)?!?!?

Jolie: That's not even remotely cheating, the alcohol cooks off entirely. (I also cooked with sherry the other night and I don't want to hear a thing about it. I DID NOT QUAFF FROM THE BOTTLE OKAY.) So you're saying no to the O'Doul's? Aw man.

John: I'm saying NO to the O'Doul's. Your tolerance is so low now that you'd get a buzz from it! It's 0.4% alcohol! You might as well do a body shot.

Jolie: Damn it. I was really looking forward to the visual of showing up at YM Shabbos with O'Doul's.

John: Show up with it as a prop. Don't drink it. It tastes like ass anyway, and you don't like beer?

Jolie: I don't love beer, no, though I've developed more of a taste for it in recent months? And I mean, I drink junk beer like Bud Light, so? BUT FINE. And no, I'm not going to spend money on a prop for crying out loud.

John: You've developed a taste for sudsy water? We need to talk, young lady.

Jolie: I'm a Clean Person, I like the taste of suds. I NOW APPEAL TO A HIGHER AUTHORITY FOR A VERDICT.

John: Looks like we've entered the Bargaining stage!

Jolie: "I have never been so low as I was on the day I bargained for O'Doul's."

Choire: Hello! O'Doul's is not allowed, sorry.

Jolie: DAMN IT.

Choire: There's of course some division on this topic among non-drinkers. I do not judge, technically. (The O'Doul's crowd is like "BUT THERE'S SMALL AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL IN FRUIT AND STUFF TOOOOO" basically.) But yeah no.

Jolie: Aleeeeeex. Choire & John told me I'm not allowed to drink O'Douls during Drynuary. And Carrie is being a puss and won't weigh in. But she does want to know what you'd say, so this is me, bracing for whatever insult will be flung in response to this question.

Balk BTW: This is of course your alcohol fast so you do whatever you want, but if I had to make a ruling I would come down on the side of no O'Doul's, because there is still a trace amount of alcohol in it. Sorry!

Balk BTW: Also, obviously, the vomit O'Doul's factor, but that is more of an aesthetic thing.

Jolie: I'm absolutely crushed. Man, now I really want an etc.

Balk BTW: So do I. I THINK I WILL, TOO.

John: It's unanimous.

Jolie: Yes, I unanimously hate everyone. Should we just take this straight to the leaderboard? I'm too depressed to keep chatting.

Week Three

Alcohol Consumed (units)
Jolie: 0
John: 0

Days Without Booze
Jolie: 19
John: 18 (start on January 2)

Disposition
Jolie: Despondent
John: Autopilot

Irritability (scale of 0-10)
Jolie: 4
John: 4

Outlook
Jolie: Everything is terrible and I want to die.
John: Hey, I'm getting thinner! It's one of the benefits of Drynuary. Either that or I ran over a gypsy with my (non-existent) car.

Shakes
Jolie: Wracked with sobs.
John: My fist at the cruel heavens.

Smugness (scale of 0-10)
Jolie: 0, too depressed to feel anything other than sadness.
John: 2, Lording this over my daughter is losing its novelty.

Sounder Sleeping
Jolie: Not as well as Week One, not as anxiety dream-y as Week Two.
John: Better, actually.

Substitute Activities
Jolie: Cursing Alex Balk. Moping. Gently weeping.
John: Coffee. Words With Friends. Hockey. Peppering speech with religious allusions (uh oh!).



John: Looking on the bright side, I really am feeling a bit thinner these days, which is a bonus. Dads, vanity, etc. So I'm looking at this like the Glass Is Half-Full. Half full of fake wine, but still. It's not all sackcloth and ashes, is it?

Jolie: I'll admit that your Thinner reference did make me smile. And fine, while I'm admitting things I'll confess that I'm actually not that despondent. Mostly because when I caught myself working into a major funk over a personal choice I've made and have complete control over, I gave myself a stern talking-to about my bad attitude. Which is, really, the thing about Drynuary—it's all in the attitude. Working yourself into a "THIS IS HORRIBLE WHY-EEEEE" frenzy doesn't do any good at all. So basically now I just mutter to myself in a Fred Gwynne voice, "Sometimes sobah is bettah."

John: I'll admit that I approached the long weekend with a bit of dread: the first weekend of Drynuary was a bite in the ass, so I expected a long weekend full of NFL playoffs to escalate the tension. But it was all good. Made some spaetzle, flexed my handyman muscles around the house, watched some football, did some writing, bought shoes, went to the movies. It was downright productive. I feel like I'm getting my second wind.

Jolie: I was kind of the opposite of productive, but yes the long weekend was all good for me too, once the stern talking to set in. Of course "the opposite of productive" for me still involved a lot of home cooking, hand laundering, column writing, bathtub scrubbing… so I don't even know who I'm trying to fool with this. Basically I didn't wear anything with underwire for three days, that's what I'm trying to get at. Alllll good.

John: Yeah, I kind of feel like I can do this standing on my head now. Does the Twitterperverse agree?

You know, I saw him at Balthazar once.

Jolie: Dude. I was his intern once. Merry Everythingisawesomenuary!

So here we are, two olden folks who are (carbon) dating themselves by being publicly excited that Kurt Loder is tweeting about them… what about the rest of you? Anyone else still up on this wagon? "Tell us in the etc.!"


Previously: Week Two; Week One.

Jolie Kerr is prone to melodrama. John Ore agrees.

23 Comments / Post A Comment

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

This series is so very fascinating to me since it is something that would never occur to me and would be nearly impossible for me to pull off. That said, Jolie, nobody said anything about SHARPS. I say go for it.

C_Webb (#855)

Order a virgin bourbon.

Moxie (#81,363)

@C_Webb Virgin Bourbon is my favorite! Too bad you can't get it out here.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@boyofdestiny Bread fresh from the oven is out too (yeast!)

jolie (#16)

Oh fuck off, both of you. Seriously.

SeanP (#4,058)

@boyofdestiny That was my thought as well. Certainly there would be more than .4% left.

jolie (#16)

@SeanP I can assure you that I did not get a buzz off of the chicken piccata. For crying out loud.

SeanP (#4,058)

@jolie Oh, I totally believe you. I'm just saying that if that was ok, O'Douls oughtta be fine too.

brad (#1,678)

hmm. i don't know. it's not the delicious taste of all my favorite boozes- the deep lucious shiraz or the potent tang of the porter. it's really the rush of joy that fills my soul when these god-given beverages fill every capilary with warmth. no dry-anything for me. i'm thristy.

robbybailey (#203,181)

The bf is doing Drynuary which in the case of the day makes me drink more than I normally would. The interesting thing is that some of the people that we hang out with asked me if I was ready for the drinking boyfriend back…which I say…yes.

John Ore (#7,170)

Man, now I want a Basil Hayden's.

HiredGoons (#603)

It's not 'drinking' if you soak a tampon in vodka – something to be learned from the Youngs, perhaps?

landtunnel (#202,202)

I'm on day 20, but this is going to be extremely difficult with the impending snowy weekend. What is it about a snow covered Saturday trapped in the house that makes me want to drink so badly?

Dave Bry (#422)

I think it's the "day" part of "Saturday."

wokka (#34,513)

@landtunnel Holy hell, I'm on day 19 of Drynuary and I just suffered through almost a week of snow on the ground and multiple snow days here in Seattle. I was seriously contemplating giving myself a cheat day because apparently, I really like being drunk in the snow… but I have perservered. I won't lie: it's not easy. Be strong.

laurel (#4,035)

'Just popping in from the last installment to remind us all of this little gem: "I had to cold turkey it on the seltzer front for about 6 months to kick the habit before I burped myself into a bone density problem."

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

Since it's obvious that I many Awl readers drink like Franklin Pierce at Ulysses Grant's New Year's Eve party, any word on the medical benefits? That is, is my the typical Awl reader's liver going to postpone cirrhosis for some significant period by observing Drynuary each year, or is my the reader's liver merely catching it's breath before going down for the last time as otherwise preordained?

bangs (#19,284)

Still in, but probably going to break fast tomorrow as I committed to a nostalgic nachos and beer session after a short course. Or maybe tonight, Kingfisher with indian food… *drooling*

bangs (#19,284)

Also I came across a recipe that called for white wine or rose, so I used apple juice mixed with some red wine vinegar (it's what I had on hand).

Jeremy_W (#5,194)

This has all been fascinating and more than a little amusing, as I am now 5 MONTHS into forced sobriety (military deployment) which is easily the longest I have gone without a drink since appx age 16. Positives: I shed 10 pounds almost immediately. Negatives: Ironically picked up smoking again. But I have enjoyed sharing the pain for this month at least!

SeanP (#4,058)

"Looking on the bright side, I really am feeling a bit thinner these days, which is a bonus."

Another reason to avoid O'Douls – it has an awful lot of freaking calories for something that doesn't even give you a buzz.

mrschem (#1,757)

Kombucha. Lots of it.

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