Thursday, August 25th, 2011
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A Glossary Of Scientific Terms As Compiled By The GOP Candidates

Recently, several GOP presidential candidates have been quite vocal with their opinions on evolution vs. intelligent design. If Rick Perry sees evolution as a theory with "some gaps in it" and Michele Bachmann maintains that there can be "reasonable doubt on both sides" and Ron Paul, as a creationist, simply "doesn't accept" evolution occurred, you may well be curious about how they view other scientific theories and phenomena. Here's a primer we recently uncovered!

Gravity: The force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or the weight pressed upon each of us by a thousand angels sitting on our heads? You decide.

Centripetal force: Some say this force is what makes a body follow a curved path, but there’s enough reasonable doubt out there to allow for another theory, which is that God’s just giving you a great big hug.

The Law of Conservation of Mass: Proof that abortion is wrong.

Periodic table: You may have been led to believe that the periodic table is something a bunch of fancy pointy-headed scientists came up with, but deep down in their hearts, many know that it's actually a long-forgotten appendix to the Bible.

Plate tectonics: Large-scale motions of Earth's lithosphere or the Earth doing a happy dance to celebrate its creation? Both can be true.

Black holes: Baby Jesus' cute dimples.

Speed of light: Light travels at 299,792,458 meters per second—which, incidentally, is exactly the amount of time it takes a phone call from Earth to reach Heaven.

Thermodynamics: A branch of physics concerned with the complex effects of work, heat and energy on a system? Or is it God’s sweet warm breath? You're smart enough to know which one is right.

Theory of Relativity: None of our business.



Claire Zulkey lives in Chicago. You can learn so much more about her here.

Image by NASA.

12 Comments / Post A Comment

Werner Hedgehog (#11,170)

Math: A systematic investigation of the relationships between quantities and forms, or just some nerd game that went to far?

kilgub (#7,768)

Christ, how did I not know that Ron Paul was an out-an-out creationist? That's the scariest thing I've heard all day.

GandS (#32,590)

@kilgub honestly. isn't he a doctor? how does that work?

laurel (#4,035)

@GandS: Yes, this. How does one practice obstetrics without making any observations of heredity or genetic mutation?

PED ZING (#11,187)

@spiralbetty Or of the ratio of the width of average human baby's shoulders to that of the average vaginal canal being distinctly unintelligent design.

dasubergrok (#36,800)

@PED ZING it was designed that way to punish women for having sex.

boysplz (#9,812)

Saturn's Rings: An orbiting collection of dust ice and rock or Jesus' foreskin? TEACH THE CONTROVERSY

riotnrrd (#840)

Quantum Chromodynamics: A theory that explains the operation of one of the four fundamental forces of the universe, or just a "theory" come up with by a bunch of atheists and homosexuals? Teach the controversy!

gfrblxt (#11,113)
PED ZING (#11,187)

@gfrblxt Know Your Onion!

Ham Snadwich (#11,842)

I'd be happy if they'd just learn the difference between theory and hypothesis.

Crib Sheet
Theory = fact
Hypothesis = what you think "theory" means

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