Friday, June 3rd, 2011
21

This New Food Pyramid is a Plate! And Also a Scam

So now they (and you know who They are) went and changed the food triangle-pyramid to a circle, with this Choose My Plate to remind you that you are fat. Yeah, it’s totally subliminal except I figured it out almost immediately with my subconscious mind because I remember all that stuff about Egypt and The Pyramids, and how they are a source of Great Power and cool-ass Earth, Wind & Fire album covers, so all this time we’ve been down with the Food Pyramid because we (OK, I) figure that One's Health is 90% mental, like, if I am at least thinking about Health, then I will be Happier, right? Positive mental attitude, man! You want to hang out with a depressed smoker or a happy one? Sorry, cigarettes are not on the new Food Plate, although that extra circle they have next to the main plate with DAIRY on it kinda looks like it could be an ashtray, you know?

Do you see what they are doing with this food plate? It’s exactly like they did with the cigarettes.

For years it was all good and everybody smoked their smokes and got Cancer and died and nobody complained, some cigarette companies came up with ones that would smooth out your Smoker’s Hack and stuff, but it wasn’t like you were sick from ‘em or anything serious, just a little dry throat, but then they started saying that cigarettes were Bad For You and the Big Tobaccos generally deny, deny, denied all the Scientific Evidence until Russell Crowe narced on ‘em in that movie about "60 Minutes" with Al Pacino. The Insider, it was called, and it was a great movie if you like your Russell Crowe all grey and sweaty yakking it up on the phone talking about paperwork to Al Pacino on a beach with a giant antenna sticking out his cellie. There’s gonna be a movie called The Even More Insiderer-Insider about the lawsuits from all the Brain Cancer errbody gets from all these fucking cell phones, seriously. Also I am gonna produce a play called "Al Pacino On A Beach" and it won’t have any actors, it will feature a different audience member reading the script every night doing that Al Pacino impression all humans have within them.

Anyway, then there were all these years of bullshit where none of the Tobacconists would tell the truth and then there were these lawsuits which were basically the cigarette companies paying out piles of dough to The Lawyers in exchange for getting away with cigarettes being the reason tons of people died from Cancer and then not being responsible for anybody else dying from Cancer because there are now giant labels on cigarettes that say SERIOUSLY THESE THINGS WILL KILL YOU only in more bullshitty ellipticals like QUITTING SMOKING NOW GREATLY INCREASES YOUR RISK OF NOT DYING FROM CONTINUING TO HOOVE ON THESE FUCKERS, REALLY MAN.

So with this Food Plate, anybody who pays the teensy-weensiest bit of attention to what is “good” food knows you need to eat a certain no-fun way, and now it’s official; They will be keeping score. If you want to get some Government Health Care, the Government is gonna look at what’s on your plate, and there’s gonna be a sliding scale, man, if you ate a lot of Beefaroni, you are gonna have to get a Lawyer to argue in some Claims Appeal thing that you didn’t get whatever you got because of Chef Boyardee, you know? Meanwhile, what happened to Chef Boyardee cheese raviolis? Seriously, you try to eat just the slightest bit on the healthy side with this shit and they discontinue the product, I swear, they got it on Amazon, but c’mon, you gonna buy cheese ravioli off Amazon? It’s kinda embarrassing. I don’t get it, what’s the deal, Boyardee? Why are you denying the cheese? And don’t tell me to eat that “Whole Grain” stuff you’ve been making, I tried one of those “Whole Grain” Beefaronii and it was nasty. And I eat Beefaroni, so that will give you an idea of how nasty it was if an avowed Beefaroni Enthusiast can’t choke it down, you know?

Look, I’m all for making health care available to everybody and more affordable and cutting out the middleman and replacing the middleman with a new middleman, but you need to wake up and smell the ‘roni if you don’t think this new Plate deal isn’t just another way to get us (as in U.S.) in line for another milking before taxes. Meanwhile they got 12 tacos for ten bucks at Taco Bell. You can stick that on your new Food Plate and see what happens. I’m just gonna eat it outta the box and then take a nap.



Mr. Wrong can instruct you via many medias.

21 Comments / Post A Comment

HiredGoons (#603)

'caution: heavy load'

There's like 5 different meanings there.

Cobalt (#7,571)

The only scam I see is bad design. Though this is much less confusing than the rainbow pyramid was.

@Cobalt : I do appreciate that they used Fisher-Price colors. What that says about assumptions re. American intelligence is left as an exercise for the reader.

ProfessorBen (#1,254)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose What is a "reader"?

@Cobalt : I also enjoy how the design implies that all foodstuffs can be eaten using only a fork.

hman (#53)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose Hah, I didn't catch that.

In order to accurately reflect Americans' eating habits, the "placemat" is actually a big sheet of Velveeta.

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

Looks like NOBAMA took away our red blooded American meat and replaced it with some pussified socialist "protein" category. What is this, 2001: A Space Odyssey or some shit?

Why does he hate America so? At least there is no falafel on that plate, YET.

dado (#102)

When a pie graph is depicted in such fashion to allocate all participants a right angle despite unequal ranking, you know you are being played. Especially since there is no mention of pie.

roboloki (#1,724)

the food pyramid is now a pizza pie. there, fixed it.

HiredGoons (#603)

"yes i'd like a glass of dairy."

iantenna (#5,160)

@HiredGoons that's actually a diaphragm of dairy.

collier (#13,548)

@iantenna — dairyphragm. Ew.

@Gef — CheeseMyPlate.gov.

Nick Douglas (#7,095)

The joke is that the article is as confusing and unhelpful as the new diagram, right?

I can't believe someone else lamented the discontinuation of fat free cheese raviolis!!!! I actually wrote to the company about this, in case it was just my supermarket. I did not, however, look for them on Amazon.

That's great and all, but WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND BANTHA MILK?

@jen325-Tatooine perhaps

@jen325 It took a year for someone to see and/or understand my joke, but finally someone did. Thank you for validating me.

ok, half you people are nuts, especially the one writing this bs… I am a weight watchers member and this new food diagram is EXACTLY like the one WW has been using for over 40 years. WW was just voted the #1 "diet" program in America. It makes sense! It's not saying here, you're fat and stupid, this is the easiest way to figure out not to be fat and stupid. It's common freakin' sense. Our bodies need a certain amount of grain, veg/fruit, protien and dairy to be healthy. It is easier to understand, it makes sense and it's correct. I think it's really cool that Michelle Obama has finally took a stand and tried to tell America how serious our obesity problem is and what each and everyone of us can do to be healthier. I'm not a health nut, I smoke, I drink and I'm not some crazy workout freak. But I've been eating right and going by this and the pounds are coming off. And every week I see people who are having the same results. It's a safe healthy way to eat and people need to stop calling it some bull shit conspiracy cause "the government's behind it". Stop and think and realize their right.

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