Thursday, June 16th, 2011

Ryan Reynolds Is Sick Of Talking About His Abs

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. – Ryan Reynolds is ready to trade one six pack for another. The actor admitted he was sick of talking about his well-defined abs, which are on display so prominently in the new, big-screen adaptation of "The Green Lantern" comic-book series that they practically deserve their own billing. "God, on a scale of one to 10 — one being, 'This is delightful' to 10 being, 'I can't stop vomiting' — probably somewhere around a nine; just dry-heaving at this point," the actor noted, with a smile. —Physiques ab-solutely key to 'Lantern' (AP)

He jabs a finger into his open mouth a couple of times for emphasis. "Sort of barfy, you know?"

"There are only so many ways to talk about my stomach. And they've all been done. All of them. A 'celestial washboard, lovingly carved by Abdominus, the Greek God of Perfectly Defined Lower-Torso Musculature, upon which Zeus himself would be proud to hand-launder his divine toga.' Details, I think that was. 'Like a half-dozen sacred stones burnished for centuries by the unrelenting current of the Amazon, then plucked from the river by a primitive cannibal tribe and worshipped for their magical symmetry.' Kind of a reach, Men's Health. Some sploogey white lines scribbled all over them, before Perez Hilton went nice. Eh, whatever, I don't even pay attention anymore," he said, raising his right hand in a dismissive, pantomime jerk-off motion, while his left scoots underneath his t-shirt, lifting it just enough to offer a glimpse of the lower-twopack, the outer contours of which he absentmindedly traces with a wandering pinky finger.

He sits up in his chair and makes intense eye-contact. "It's time to talk about the work. About the Lantern Code, or whatever it is, the brightest day, dankest night bit. That's what's important to me. Do you know hard it is to keep your dramatic focus when you're standing in front of a giant green tarp wearing head-to-toe Spandex, attempting to emote to a tennis ball on the end of a pole? Of course you don't, because all you want to talk about is these," he says, gesturing with a flourish to his you-know-whats, which undulate in perfect synchronization with the hand passing over them.

"I've tried everything. I do a Bullock flick. I make the $300 million superhero franchise move. I do an indie for $15 where I lay inside a fucking coffin with a snake for two hours. And does it matter? You people don't even need those pens, the story's already written before I get here."

He snatches away the reporter's Uniball and places it between the second and third rows of rippling stomach muscles. With a quick twitch of the diaphragm, the pen climbs upwards a row, settling there for a tense moment before an exhale of frustration launches it into the air. He snatches it, considering the spot of ink on its tip. "Maybe I'll just write the story myself," he says.

His brow furrows into a weird facsimile of the situation that he so desperately wants to avoid discussing. "That's it. I mean it. And then? I'm gonna spend a month burying my fucking face in a tub of Americone Dream," he says, "then read some scripts Kevin James is circling. I don't care. I don't."

Mark Lisanti can do, like, fifteen crunches.

36 Comments / Post A Comment

deepomega (#1,720)

OK, I hear there's a vacuum in the ab-discussion field that needs filling. Who wants to talk about my impossibly sculpted physique? Here's an ice-breaker: If my abs were a celebrity, who would they be?

MythReindeer (#5,553)

@deepomega Ab Vigoda

saythatscool (#101)

@DeepOmega Rue McClanahan.

@deepomega Rodney Allen Ribby

@deepomega Steve Guttenberg

@Clarence Rosario Did you miss the Party Down ep??? (Or are you just showing love? If love-showing, pls carry on.)

@deepomega Belly Joel

@deepomega Diaphragm Drescher

@deepomega Thorax Sagdiyev

saythatscool (#101)

@deepomega Rue McClanahan

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@deepomega- Chris Burke

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@deepomega – The Michelin Man

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@deepomega- Nell Carter

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@deepomega – John Pinette

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@deepomega – Mama Cass

NominaStultorum (#1,638)

@deepomega Dear Abby

MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

@deepomega Robin Tummey

saythatscool (#101)

@deepomega Rue McClanahan

HiredGoons (#603)

Oh god I would do such terrible, wonderful things to Ryan Reynolds.

I've got a well-tended donor gut, just say the word Ry.

You don't even have to get on a plane and fly; we can do the whole thing at Cedars-Sinai.

lifting it just enough to offer a glimpse of the lower-twopack

I KNEW Skakur was still alive.

Blackcapricorn (#4,791)

Lisanti! They gave you a key to the offices?

Lisanti (#13)

@Blackcapricorn They let me empty the wastebasket from time to time.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

The abs are magnificent, yes, but the face is almost criminally unattractive (this comment can be copied and pasted onto any Weiner-related posts as I see fit)

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@IBentMyWookie – That's true. And his temples look like he had his head stuck in a vise.

City_Dater (#2,500)


And he's one of those young actors who thinks standing around in a scene with his mouth hanging open slightly makes him look like he's thinking deep thoughts while listening to the other actor. So dull. If he didn't have those abs, no one would pay any attention to him whatsoever.

statistics_lie (#14,052)

Happy Actors-Who-Portray-Superheros-Making-Jerk-Off-Motions Week! Apparently.

laurel (#4,035)

With torso muscles like smooth, polished stones.

Watch your back, Edith.

collier (#13,548)

The Uniball passage could have come straight out of Cruel Shoes. I swear. Well done.

carpetblogger (#306)

Why would anyone rather talk about a movie about a comic book than those abs?

He needs to follow the Luke Wilson career trajectory. Develop a beer gut and do cell phone commercials.

markshark12 (#14,099)

I cant say anything but WOW for that abs.

earnest74i (#14,101)

Nice abs..It wow me a lot..seeing that awesome abs.

Sammy22 (#14,104)

I saw the coffin movie, weirrrrrdddddd…….

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