Friday, April 29th, 2011

111 Male Characters Of British Literature, In Order Of Bangability

111. Frankenstein's Monster (Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus)
110. Uriah Heep (David Copperfield)
109. Casaubon (Middlemarch)
108. Bradley Headstone (Our Mutual Friend)
107. Samuel Pickwick (Pickwick Papers)
106. Gussie Fink-Nottle (Right Ho, Jeeves)
105. Keith Talent (London Fields)
104. Jerry Cruncher (Tale of Two Cities)
103. Hercule Poirot (The Mysterious Affair at Styles)
102. Ham Peggotty (David Copperfield)
101. Thorin Oakenshield (The Hobbit)
100. Tracy Tupman (Pickwick Papers)
99. Julian Malory (Excellent Women)
98. C.J. Stryver (A Tale of Two Cities)
97. Charles Arrowby (The Sea, the Sea)
96. Dr. Watson ("A Study In Scarlet")
95. Willy Wonka (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)
94. Jim Dixon (Lucky Jim)
93. Edward Ferrars (Sense and Sensibility)
92. Colonel Brandon (Sense and Sensibility)
91. Percy Mannering (Memento Mori)
90. Edmund Bertram (Mansfield Park)
89. Augustus Snodgrass (Pickwick Papers)
88. Mr. Micawber (David Copperfield)
87. Bertram Wooster ("Extricating Young Gussie")
86. Everard Bone (Excellent Women)
85. Peregrin Took (The Lord of the Rings)
84. Will Ladislaw (Middlemarch)
83. Flashman (Flashman)
82. J.P. Worthing (The Importance of Being Earnest)
81. Holly Martins (The Third Man)
80. Charles Bingley (Pride and Prejudice)
79. Alec Warner (Memento Mori)
78. Leopold Bloom (Ulysses)
77. Timothy Cavendish (Cloud Atlas)
76. Kubla Khan ("Kubla Khan")
75. Aylwin Forbes (No Fond Return of Love)
74. Falstaff (Henry IV, Part I)
73. Sir Wilfred of Ivanhoe (Ivanhoe)
72. Stephen Colley (I Capture The Castle)
71. George Smiley (Call for the Dead)
70. Charles Ryder (Brideshead Revisited)
69. Simon Cotton (I Capture The Castle)
68. Peter Pan (Peter Pan; or, the Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up)
67. Long John Silver (Treasure Island)
66. King Lear (King Lear)
65. Reginald Jeeves ("Extricating Young Gussie")
64. Henry Pulling (Travels with My Aunt)
63. Romeo (Romeo and Juliet)
62. Tristram Shandy (The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman)
61. Winston Smith (Nineteen Eighty-Four)
60. Roland Michell (Possession)
59. Crow (Crow)
58. Brigadier Etienne Gerard (The Exploits of Brigadier Gerard)
57. Tertius Lydgate (Middlemarch)
56. Lord Sebastian Flyte (Brideshead Revisited)
55. Henry Crawford (Mansfield Park)
54. Frederick Wentworth (Persuasion)
53. Edward Murdstone (David Copperfield)
52. Desmond Ragwort (Thus Was Adonis Murdered)
51. Captain Hook (Peter Pan; or, the Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up)
50. Charles Darnay (A Tale of Two Cities)
49. Dorian Gray (The Picture of Dorian Gray)
48. King Arthur (The Once and Future King)
47. Mortimer Lightwood (Our Mutual Friend)
46. M. Héger (Villette)
45. Legolas (The Lord of the Rings)
44. Robin Hood (Piers Plowman)
43. Inspector Alan Grant (The Man in the Queue)
42. George Emerson (A Room with a View)
41. Alan Breck Stewart (Kidnapped)
40. Rockingham Napier (Excellent Women)
39. Mr. Neville (Hotel du Lac)
38. St. John Rivers (Jane Eyre)
37. Remus Lupin (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
36. Lancelot (The Once and Future King)
35. Othello (Othello, The Moor of Venice)
34. Tarzan/Lord Greystoke (Tarzan of the Apes)
33. Severus Snape (Harry Potter and the Philospher's Stone)
32. Aslan (The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe)
31. Sydney Carton (A Tale of Two Cities)
30. John Willoughby (Sense and Sensibility)
29. Thomas Cromwell (Wolf Hall)
28. Maxim de Winter (Rebecca)
27. Simon Bakerloo (The Wolves of Willoughby Chase)
26. Sirius Black (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
25. Brian de Bois-Guilbert (Ivanhoe)
24. Adam Dalgliesh (Cover Her Face)
23. James Bond (Casino Royale)
22. James Steerforth (David Copperfield)
21. Tom Bombadil (The Lord of the Rings)
20. Edward Driffield (Cakes And Ale)
19. Sherlock Holmes ("A Study In Scarlet")
18. Justin Alastair, Duke of Avon (These Old Shades)
17. Robert Frobisher (Cloud Atlas)
16. Eomer (The Lord of the Rings)
15. Michael Cantrip (Thus Was Adonis Murdered)
14. Algernon Moncrieff (The Importance of Being Earnest)
13. Randolph Henry Ash (Possession)
12. Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights)
11. Maurice Bendrix (The End of the Affair)
10. Beorn (The Hobbit)
9. Orlando (Orlando: A Biography)
8. Oliver Mellors (Lady Chatterley's Lover)
7. Lord Peter Wimsey (Strong Poison)
6. Don Juan (Don Juan)
5. The Beast ("The Tiger's Bride")
4. Eugene Wrayburn (Our Mutual Friend)
3. Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)
2. Strider/ Aragorn (The Lord of the Rings)
1. Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre)

130 Comments / Post A Comment

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Hmm… an F/M/K for Colin Firth / Colin Firth / Colin Firth?

Daniel Roberts (#10,861)

where's Pip???

eggplant (#2,003)

No Anatole? No Bingo Little? Someone is asleep at the switch.

ComradePsmith (#4,477)

@eggplant True! Absolutely as deserving as Spink-Bottle.

Lili L. (#6,216)

@eggplant And what about JEEVES? He's got a way with him. And I strongly second Lord Peter Wimsey.

barnhouse (#1,326)

@millicent He's no. 65 (but would rank quite a bit higher with some.)

Emdashes (#4,271)

@millicent Jeeves would evaluate your sexual performance and be piercingly polite about it.

ShanghaiLil (#260)

Mr. Rochester! YESSSSS!

But where's Grendel? Totally fuckable, in a bad-boy kind of way.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@ShanghaiLil: Beat me to it. Grendel (of the John Gardner novel, even?) deserves some sexytime._

laurel (#4,035)

Oh, I would take Frankenstein's monster over Casaubon.

ShanghaiLil (#260)

@spiralbetty In a heartbeat.

kneetoe (#1,881)

@spiralbetty Only because you've been watching too much Young Frankenstein.

@ShanghaiLil He's an artist!

laurel (#4,035)

@kneetoe It's pronounced Fronk-en-steen!

And, yes.

What? Where's Richard Sharpe? Plus what about Gandalf? And speaking of wizards' staffs with knobs on the end, I see no Pratchett characters.

SeanP (#4,058)

@Kimberly Chapman@twitter I would totally do Thorin Oakenshield before any of the rest of these bozos.

RK Fire (#10,307)

@Kimberly Chapman@twitter : Carrot? Vimes? Vetinari? YES. Ha, that's a F/M/K there.

cherrispryte (#444)

Great. I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon thinking of Aragorn and shifting uncomfortably in my chair.

Related: This is a remarkably good and accurate list.

Bittersweet (#765)

@cherrispryte: Except that St. John Rivers being higher up the list than George Emerson is really making my head explode.

@cherrispryte That's exactly the one I was ranting about! St. John is ahead of George Emerson? George Emerson, who strode through a field to grab the girl, bend her backwards and kiss her, lost to prim, uptight St. John Rivers? No way. And why in God's name is Casaubon anywhere near this list at all?

Kevin Knox (#4,475)

Oliver Mellors is at the wrong end of the top ten, but this is a great list.

MaggieL (#3,424)

This is fabulous, but I wonder what's the rationale for Algernon being so much higher on the list than Worthing? They were always sort of interchangeable to me. I guess Worthing's a little more high-strung?

Loved the I Capture the Castle inclusions.

What about Graham from Villette?

hungrybee (#2,091)

@MaggieL Dr. Graham, yummy. Strongly agree.

@MaggieL Seriously, if "Heger" (his name wasn't that in the novel) gets to be on here, Dr. Graham totally does as well.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

On a scale of 1 to 111, where's the approximate cutoff point? Or is the point that there is no cutoff point … ?

MythReindeer (#5,553)

Pippin before Thorin? That is bold. BOLD, I SAY. And I honestly lol'd at the inclusion of Bombadil, but you just know he's great in the sack.

And before my Tolkien-nerdery gets the best of me and I start contemplating the dangers of an orgasming Beorn accidentally changing skins, I'll say that if Dorian Gray is on there then Lord Henry deserves an honorable mention, at least.

Mar (#2,357)


barnhouse (#1,326)

@Mar jinx!

SeanP (#4,058)

@MythReindeer: how the hell did I miss seeing Beorn on this list? He's rocketed straight to the top of my most bangable list. And yeah, turning into a bear in the midst of things might be a problem (although it would probably warrant a link from Balk).

111?!!! dear lord that's a lot of literary rodgering!

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@RonMwangaguhunga so many. I keep contemplating a list of bangable females from literature and it seems to drift into smarmy territory fast.

Jim Demintia (#1,815)

King Lear more bangable than Will Ladislaw? That is very kinky.

Mar (#2,357)

Yes, I am confused as to why Lydgate and others are so much higher on the list than Ladislaw. I mean, Ladislaw!

Carrie Frye (#9,863)

That is so interesting! Ladislaw leaves me cold, even though he is so pretty; I always feel sorry for Dorothea that he & Casaubon are her options …

Mar (#2,357)

He is hot and weak and young and soooo romantic. I guess it is a 21 Jump Street thing?

jennie (#25)

Tom Bombadil.

Carrie Frye, i love you.

@jennie Seconded! But surely KING ARTHUR is *at least* top 20? Or is _Mists_ finally out of print?

Mr. B (#10,093)

Satan (Paradise Lost)

And maybe poor Smiley deserves a slightly higher rank?

ComradePsmith (#4,477)

You seem to be forgetting someone…

And Flashman needs to be a lot higher.

barnhouse (#1,326)

@ComradePsmith Oh boy, an oversight indeed.

Annie K. (#3,563)

@ComradePsmith I thought that too. Flashman IN THE MIDDLE?, I thought.

lawyergay (#220)

What about Prince Hal?

Mr. B (#10,093)

The Monk (The Monk)

Craig Brownson (#4,257)

Aslan, obviously.

KenWheaton (#401)

What about Amos or Seth Starkadder?!?!

Didn't any of you see something nasty behind the woodshed? Well, I tell ye, there'll be no butter in hell. (And so forth and so on)

melis (#1,854)

@KenWheaton The sukebind!

Dave Bry (#422)

Thorin over Gimli, huh? Interesting. I guess I can see it.

Oh, also, how about Colin Smith, who is the long-distance runner whose loneliness we read about? He can get it, as they say.

And this is totally awesome.

City_Dater (#2,500)

George Emerson in the 40s and TWO characters from the depressingly sexless Lord of the Rings books in the top ten?!
I would also question Causaubon not being dead last, but hey, at least he's near the bottom.

Abe Sauer (#148)

I think trying to bang somebody with "all his first teeth" is a good way to meet Chris Hansen.

KristaJulieva (#588)

I imagine Sherlock Holmes would devote too much attention to checking for moles and other odd, unsatisfying things.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@KristaJulieva Don't forget his morphine habit.

barnhouse (#1,326)

WHERE is Faramir, the only (very) attractive man in LOTR, for this reader. Though there is no accounting for tastes, I know. And where is Lord Henry Wotton, furthermore. And Mirabell. On the other hand bless you forever for including Simon from The Wolves of Willoughby Chase, an early crush of my own.

C_Webb (#855)

@barnhouse Seconded. But as for Bakerloo, I believe he would have been the Duke of Battersea by now.

Carrie Frye (#9,863)

@barnhouse FARAMIR! Completely.

TableNine (#1,104)

Poor Samwise. Also, how does Lion Jesus not crack the top 20?

Turboslut (#1,036)

I know it's only April but I'm ready to commit and say this is hands-down the best Beorn reference of the year

LondonLee (#922)

Personally I would have chosen Gerald Westerby ('The Honourable Schoolboy') as the most shaggable Le Carré character.

Winston Smith? I suppose there would be added excitement because having sex with him would be illegal.

picniclightning (#11,472)

YES to Robert Frobisher. My only real gripe would be the exclusion of Michael Moorcock, who wrote into being any number of bangable gents. But any list of this kind is going to have its faults.

KarenUhOh (#19)


Jim Demintia (#1,815)

@KarenUhOh Is Diggory Venn too covered in reddle for you?

barnhouse (#1,326)

@KarenUhOh *sobbing* Oh, Clym. (Did you know there is an audiobook of Alan Rickman reading this aloud, it is the most beautiful record in the world I think.)

KarenUhOh (#19)

@Jim We both know Diggory was the hottest man in Hardy.

MB: Any man Eustacia Vye wanted is a man you want to die for.

HiredGoons (#603)

Charles Ryder and I have a history…

Matt (#26)

Where am I.

HiredGoons (#603)

How is Macbeth, the ultimate power-bottom, not on this list?

Flashman (#418)

Or Adrian Mole?!

wb (#2,214)

The sex scene at the end of The Tiger's Bride is one of the best, best, best out there.

GoGoGojira (#2,871)

Frankenstein's Monster was robbed.

Pop Socket (#187)

What is Peter Pan doing on this list? That would be as creepy as Wendy being on the distaff version.

Aatom (#74)

@Pop Socket I guess it depends if you see Pan as an actual boy, or just a creepy middle-aged man who refuses to grow up. Actually, either way I see your point.

Carrie Frye (#9,863)

Yes, Peter Pan more in sense of someone you dated Way Back When and he was lots of fun, but now when you run into him you can see he Has Some Issues. Pro: Has island. Con: Still wears those tights!

C_Webb (#855)

Bless you for Randolph Henry Ash. But did Daniel Deronda make runner-up?

barnhouse (#1,326)

@C_Webb Wow yeah, seconded omg.

C_Webb (#855)

@barnhouse If one is studying for one's graduate comps and losing one's mind, one might perhaps make up a song about Daniel Deronda to the tune of "Help Me Rhonda." But one would not be proud of it.

barnhouse (#1,326)

@C_Webb hmm well … one might. But if one were, one would most likely be a little tipsy.

bashe (#10,245)

@barnhouse & C_Webb: Yes, Daniel Deronda's not making the list is wrong, and Casaubon should definitely be dead last. I mean, he's like, mummified and stuff and does evil shit from beyond the grave.

stray (#11,335)

@C_Webb RHA yes, though he does have an unfortunate habit of raping the servants, but only if you read carefully.

Slackferno (#197)

Um…did I scroll too fast and miss Zaphod Beeblebrox?

checkonetwo (#3,234)

Lupin isn't bangable at all, and he's at 37. Is the purpose of this list to emphasize how few British characters are bangable?

@checkonetwo lupin is bangable imo

underscore (#11,529)

all that ejaculation, the slim girlish hands, the long night watches with Ginger, the hint of aristocracy with Algy, the cold eyes…

or am I just irredeemably warped?

maddieD (#9,798)

I love Tom Bombadil, but his odd exclamations during the banging would kill the mood. I would remove Tom Bombadil and replace him with Gabriel Oak. The strong silent type.

I don't get this list until at LEAST #85, peregrine took. I mean, Casaubon???

Aloysius (#1,808)

Arthur from Saturday Night and Sunday Morning.

the claw (#11,531)

ROCHESTER YES. "Strange energy was in his voice, strange fire in his look"

Babalutez (#247,015)

@the claw "I regained my couch, but never thought of sleep. Till morning dawned, I was tossed on a buoyant but unquiet sea" They were so lustful of each other!

keisertroll (#1,117)

I'm surprised to see Jack Benny's African American foil in there, but I'll take it.

This list is discredited by the absence of Jack Aubrey.

Jean Lamb@facebook (#11,544)

Of course Severus Snape outranks Remus Lupin (of course, I'm already married to a chemistry teacher, so I will allow for some prejudice there). Snape is employed, loyal to a lost love, and dies for people who couldn't bother to spit on him. Remus has no backbone, wants to desert his pregnant wife, and lets a mass murderer into Hogwarts (he didn't know Sirius Black was innocent, but never warned the Headmaster that he knew Sirius was inside the school).

Gosh, it's so hard to decide…

Origcyn (#11,547)

How about John Thornton? I think he deserves a little love.

Isabella (#11,702)

Hear, hear!

ssv (#10,786)

Rob Fleming! High Fidelity!

@ssv my thought.

roselights (#11,552)

RHA is #13; could not agree more. there is truly justice in this cold, cruel world!!

TrendChaser (#11,571)

Mr. Rochester! You deserve it!!!

stephenvolk (#11,575)

how about mr rochester

Babalutez (#247,015)

@stephenvolk Hey! He's number One!!!

TrilbyLane (#1,318)

KEITH TALENT?? eewyukreally???
Also, counting Irish stuff as British is really very majorly not OK with Irish people.

simonly (#11,585)

What a list, top spot is deserved.

johncotton (#11,572)


VPD (#11,630)

How about John Thornton? he deserves a little love too …

dmc (#11,657)

Casaubon is on this list and Mr. Knightley is not? I call shenanigans!

samantabingo (#11,659)

great site will surely bookmark and share with my friends. Thanks


Mark Mood@facebook (#11,674)

I'm all for Mr. Rochester, but ASLAN??!! Um, hello, you guys do know he's a LION, right? Talk about bites!

Mark Mood@facebook (#11,674)

Can't really get my brain around Bombadil either, but whatevs…

Aslan? really?

Emdashes (#4,271)

I wish Downton Abbey counted as a book. Matthew Crawley…in vain I have struggled. It will not do. My [lust] will not be repressed.

Also, seconding @maddieD, Gabriel Oak from Far From the Madding Crowd. Loyal! Earthy! Poetic! Also, good with sheep.

LaFabuliste (#11,706)

Umm… Frederick Wentworth is higher on the list than Algernon Moncrieff? ALGY?

And Aslan? Really? WHO WANTS TO BANG JESUS?!

I'm just going to sit here and pretend to be in a Wentworth/Pevensie (the older years)/Rochester/Aragorn/Caspian club sandwich.

propjen (#11,710)

How in the world is Heathcliff #12 and Mr. Rochester #1. SWAP, PLEASE!

Babalutez (#247,015)

@propjen NO! Rochester is so HOT!

Rachael H@twitter (#11,712)

I would like to know what, exactly, is bangable about Tom Bombadil. Also, King Lear? If I were going for Shakespeare, it'd be Benedick all the way.

katemiller (#11,713)


schleppy321 (#11,716)

too good

Miquelon (#11,903)

Pah, call this a list? What about Lennie from Of Mice and Men? Or Big Brother (1984), they didn't call him that for nothing you know.

What?! No Adrien Mole? The horror, the horror.

I'm all for Leopold Bloom, but Ulysses is hardly a piece of …British… literature. :)

01lukewarm (#9,661)

It has taken me days to get to the bottom of this list because I keep getting so indignant. One scrap: why is brave Captain Wentworth below Captain Hook who has only one freakin' hand and an eye for the boys? Why is passionate George Emerson below frigid St. John Rivers who is missionary all the way?
Also, why is this list so white? How about Hari Kumar (Jewel in the Crown) or Dr. Aziz (Passage to India)?

PM Newton@twitter (#12,016)

Col. Brandon languishing down at 92???

Have you not seen Alan Rickman breaking his heart, pacing outside Marianne's sick room, begging Elinor, ”Give me an occupation, Miss Dashwood, or I shall run mad.“

Bibliophile (#12,662)

@PM Newton@twitter Agree he is far more worth of a spot high on the list than say Aslan. The Jesus lion. Seriously. Wrong on so many levels while there is nothing to detract from Brandon's bangability.

What? No mention of the real man of lit: Huckleberry Finn? 'Was offered the Clown in King Lear but I thought the Director was taking the piss, so I gave him some of mine. 'Compared, alike, with Mr. Darcy but she was just after my body. On a more serious note; where did I put that second bottle of wine?

nuton7410 (#232,485)

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rana06sk (#236,644)

Thanks to all I will allow for some prejudice there. Snape is employed, loyal to a lost love, and dies for people who couldn't bother to spit on him. Remus has no backbone, wants to desert his pregnant wife, and lets a mass murderer into Hogwarts.Thanks.

arif06uddin (#236,814)

[url=] admission essay writing service [/url] nice article,who strode through a field to grab the girl, bend her backwards and kiss her

Finneguarez (#243,261)

I definitely agree about John Thornton. Order is a bit erratic but a very respectable list all the same! What about George Knightley (Emma) or Jem Merlyn (Jamaica Inn)?

Babalutez (#247,015)

Oof! I so agree with your Number One! Edward Rochester has so much Charisma he can get away with anything. And he sure belongs at the top of this list! I loved browsing slowly through each of the 111 names. Loved to see Eugene Wrayburn in the top 4. Good job!

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