Am I The Only One Troubled By The Growing Omnipotence Of State Farm Insurance People?

It starts innocently enough. A dude gets a free sandwich from seemingly nowhere. On a plate. He hasn't even asked for a plate but he gets one anyway. Then his pals abduct a housepants'ed neighbor. Well, the viewer might raise an eyebrow but she herself doesn’t seem that bothered by it, this Girl from 4E. She even gives a pleased smile to the gent next to her. I mean, the power to be summoned and transported between apartments of a building must be frightening, but perhaps it leaves you a little giddy too. A sort of teleportation brand of Stockholm Syndrome. Like whoa, I'm euphoric from all that instantaneous movement. Headrush! Which might explain why 4E seems to like the attention. Then a Hot Tub crashes into a Dinner Table. Summoned like the woman and the sandwich, it nonetheless crashes violently, whereas both sandwich and woman landed gently. Do these magic teleportation powers deteriorate over the course of the commercial? Apparently the State Farm people are trafficking in some kind of difficult to master dark magick which is let loose upon our realm by the singing of their “magic jingle.” Do the singers of the so-called "Magic Jingle" lose control over the effects of singing the jingle as the commercial progresses? Who exactly is granting these powers? The State Farm claims inspectors? The Universe? And what on earth are those guys saying at the start of the commercial, anyway?: "…Snatching stuff takes…" Are these guys a room full of scruffy thieves? Should we really be granting wishes to rogue elements?

At this point with the world being pretty much a war-and-death-filled taco, shouldn't we be using the powers of the Magical State Farm Jingle for a greater good? "Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is There… With an End to the War in Afghanistan! And to Feed Everyone!"

Why if these powers exist are they being wasted—as they are in this commercial—on turning a hot guy into a sensitive guy into a hot guy with a "Dark Side."

By the way, that dude doesn't have a Dark Side. He's just a terrible person. And do ladies really call each other "dude"? Because I don't know. I use "dude" way too much. It needs to be banished from all vocabularies except those of cowboys and surfers.

What I've been able to glean from the commercials is that the powers of the State Farm "Magic Jingle" include: Teleportation, Reading Minds, Instant Creation of Any Object, Sudden Appearance of Somewhat Famous People. If a Superhero had these powers, they'd be Unstoppable. Superman would be turned instantly into a hot guy. Or Bob Barker would summon a new car on his head. These are worrisome powers that should not be granted to Insurance Companies to dole out willy nilly. Genies are Monsters! Not our friends! They grant our wishes to destroy us! And revel in the ironic payback our deepest desires inflict upon our lives.

But the most disturbing of all the "Magic Jingle" commercials may be the one where Buffaloes Attack! Are the guys in the car eating buffalo burgers and watching buffaloes at the same time? Well, of course buffaloes will react angrily to that! And attack your car! You're eating their mom! You callous jerks.

So the first singing of the jingle summons the State Farm guy. The second singing makes him all-powerful enough to transport everyone in the car hundreds of miles in a second. Later will they have to sing the jingle to retrieve their car? And turn their Buffalo burger into a live buffalo?

I really do want to believe that State Farm will be there when their customers need them. And not only to make somewhat attractive people supermodel attractive. But really help. Having your car messed up is rough. I've never owned a car, and don't have a driver's license—I just imagine it's terrible. I mean, the whole endeavor is terrible. But State Farm has decided to not just give great customer support: now they’re dabbling in the arcane arts. Dangerous business. With complicated consequences for all beings in our dimension. LeBron is not just playing the world’s tiniest violin for his friend, he might as well be playing it for all who are attached to the status quo of our reality.

Insurance commercials are 95% of the ads on TV. It is important that we buy insurance and never switch to another insurance company. I've always been uncomfortable with Omniscience and Omnipotence. It's kind of like trying to imagine Heaven and being like, it's Forever and Ever? That seems scarier than Death being forever and ever. Like how much golf can one play? Every Day, forever and ever? And will I always have to play with my grandfather, his grandfather, his grandfather, Elvis and Marie Antonette? What limits are there on the powers of the State Farm jingle? At some point will someone sing the jingle and say "With four-foot genitalia!" And there will be a big "Survey Says XXX" buzzer noise and the State Farm insurance lady will be like, "Sorry, we just can't do that." And then we will know the outer edges of this awesome power! Be careful out there, America! Don't get into accidents in your cars. And if you do, be careful what you wish for.


Jim Behrle tweets at @behrle for your possible amusement.