Monday, October 18th, 2010
209

How to Pick Up a Hipster Girl

EXAMPLE ONLY; ACTUAL HIPSTER GIRLS MAY VARY

I'm not sure why you'd actually want to know how to pick up a young hipster woman. We're all too-skinny obnoxious know-it-alls who sneer at you for listening to last year's Billboard Charts topper (unless it's Lady Gaga, of course). Maybe you like the masochism, I don't know. Maybe you have a tattoo fetish. Maybe going to rock shows and eating all-organic locally sourced beef and/or vegan meals found in dumpsters is cheaper than that new Ferrari you'd otherwise get in your quarter or mid-life crisis. Maybe you've been reading the collected works of Mystery the Pickup Artist and want to expand your repertoire (in which case, stop; there's a strong chance you shouldn't be dating any girls, anywhere, ever). Maybe you're a slightly nerdy boy in a low-fi surf rock band who loves to bake his own pies but is too desperately shy to work up the nerve to talk to the gorgeous brunette with half her head shaved and a tattoo of some Joy Division lyrics on her thigh (in which case, you're adorable, email me). Whatever your reason, it's obvious you're going to need some help. Because I've seen you doing it wrong.

Here's the big secret about dating hipster girls: we're just the same as everyone else, only cuter, better dressed, and know way more about music and pop culture than you do. But in the end we're still looking for the same thing everybody else is: someone who's cute, smart, funny, won't be too much of a jerk and is at least familiar with the discography of Matt and Kim.

So lose the keffiyeh (you look like an idiot and no one's worn those for three or twenty-three years), put down the Monster energy drink, stop asking people if they like Arcade Fire, and listen to me.

Step one: Come to us.
I don't know where you live and, frankly, I don't care. Unless it would make a good crash pad because it's around the corner from our favorite dive bar that serves those frito pies we always end up craving at 4 a.m., nobody's going to care. Come to us. We're very busy! There's band practice on Tuesdays and Sundays; graphic novel book club every other Friday; kickball league on Wednesday nights; rehearsal for our new performance art/dance troupe that still doesn't have a name on Thursdays; our volunteer shift at the rooftop farm is every third Monday; and sure, our bike gang may not go on rides again until next summer but that doesn't mean we're not going to get drinks together every Saturday afternoon and plan for it. We just don't have time to venture outside of the the 3.5 neighborhoods where all this stuff is happening, let alone to come and meet you in a bar in midtown. Instead, make the trek to our neighborhoods. Join the clubs we're in. It might even give you something to talk to us about.

Step Two: Yes, just talk to us.
We may look judgmental, but mostly that's just our eye makeup running a little and making us squint. Really, we're quite nice. It's okay if you don't have as many tattoos as we do, or can't quite muster up enough testosterone to grow a full beard. There's an 80 percent chance our last boyfriend was a starving artist who moved into our place after two weeks of dating because the art studio where he'd been crashing didn't actually have a bathroom aside from the shared one down the hall, and we just had to kick him out after discovering that not only did things like "paying rent" stiffle his creative spirit but so did that hassle called "fidelity," as we found out thanks to that blond skank he went home with from Union Pool. Who gave him bed bugs.

We're might not break our facade of cool to come over and talk to you, but chances are if you offer to buy us a drink we'll take you up on it (let's be real: we're living off our credit cards, don't have health insurance and are drinking here because they sell PBR & a whiskey shot for $3. Of course we will take you up on it). We probably have a lot to talk about-we too may harbor an unhealthy obsession with "Jersey Shore," like the latest Ke$ha song, or be equally fascinated by Insane Clown Posse. My friend Jesse says, "the biggest difference between trying to pick up a 'hipster girl' and J-Woww is most hipster girls will value commonality much more than your average girl. They have had a life of feeling disillusioned and outcast from others and want to feel like they have a friend in this dark, cold universe. If you feel there is a strong chance her favorite movie is Harold and Maude, just like yours, bring it up ASAP."

So: you like bikes? Mention that the fixed gear bike we parked outside is kinda sexy. Happen to think our faded Slayer t-shirt is awesome? Well then, say so. Tell us you like our tattoos, although be careful with that one. As my friend Jackie warns (whose tattoos are admittedly pretty awesome): "Do not under any circumstances refer to my tattoos as 'tats' or 'ink.' That just sounds douchey. A line like
'I really like your work, who did it?' can work quite nicely, and is most effective if you actually know some artists and/or shops. But!" she added, "no touching the tattoos, they are not 3-D and you are not invited to put your hands on me… no matter how cute you are…. That will have to wait."

Step Three: Don't be creepy.
This one especially goes out to that dude last Friday night who thought it was hilarious to keep asking if we had nipple piercings, that guy who "jokingly" said it looked like we were wearing our dead grandmother's jacket and then tried to get our number, and especially the dude who hands out those "Karaoke Wizard" business cards around the Lorimer stop and then systematically hits on every single Asian girl in the bar regardless of whether or not she is there with her boyfriend.

Stop it. You're creeps. This is creepy. And negging doesn't work. There is a reason none of these techniques are working, and it's because you're transparently a douchebag. Also, we have self-esteem! We have enough to worry about at the moment-we have about $20 in our bank account, didn't sleep well last night because our downstairs neighbor was holding a pop-punk showcase that went until 4 a.m. and we're rushing to finish making enough necklaces to sell at the flea market this weekend. The last thing we want to worry about is whether or not some random creep (you) is going to try to roofie our drinks. Talk to us like a normal person, make us laugh, that's all great. But it's not endearing to make fun of our shoes. It took us an hour to get our hair to look this good-we don't want to have to run home and shower just to wash your sliminess off us.

Step Four: Bone up on pop culture.
You don't need to don skin-tight acid-washed jeans or try to pull off that southwestern poncho. You don't have to love Best Coast or Dan Deacon. But please. Loose the baggy blue jeans with the tattered bottoms. Toss the trucker hat. Expand your itunes beyond U2 and Coldplay. That's the great thing about the Internet-you can listen to music, read about fashion, find out what you like and update your life a little. Because after a certain point, sporting something like a goatee isn't just you being adorably nerdy. It's you being so out of touch with current culture people will start to worry a sociopath.

Step Five: It's not called flakiness, it's called letting your plans evolve.
The last time anybody I know made and stuck to solid plans was somewhere around the spring of 1989, when no one but yuppies in the movies carried cell phones, because they were still the size of bricks. We're not flaky, it's just that often times something better comes up. Sure, on a Monday afternoon it sounds like a great idea to go see the new 3D Wes Craven movie with you this weekend. But on Saturday afternoon we all of a sudden remember our friend's art opening is that night and then Sarah texts about this loft party where the guy from our favorite band Slaughtered Twin's new side project Half Absorbed Twin Fetus is playing their first ever show, and, well, we're not going to miss that.

But you know what will impress us? If you can keep up as we hop from that matinee Todd P show to our friend's zine launch party to fried chicken dinner to a couple of bars and then dancing until 4 a.m. at our friend's DJ night. Or better yet-come up with something more fun to do and we might just follow you anywhere. Pop-up art party in the back of rented U-Haul trucks in Bushwick? Birthday party with a boxing ring and a slip 'n' slide? We're up for it. Sure, the traditional dinner and a movie date might be dead, but it's been replaced by something better-making each night into an epic quest to have the time of your life.

On a related note, sorry about not returning your phone call. Next time text, email, IM, Facebook or direct-message at us. We'll probably respond in a few minutes, instead of the week it took us to realize you'd left us a voicemail.



Sponsored posts are purely editorial content that we are pleased to have presented by a participating sponsor, in this case Gillette; advertisers do not produce the content.

Erica Sackin is our Spandex Report columnist, which focuses on the lives of the young, so she would know. She is also the proprietor of Erica Saves the Day.

Photo by Jon Gos from Flickr.

209 Comments / Post A Comment

servicy!

BTW: Is that Miso soup?

saythatscool (#101)

You're really going to leave the comments on for this thing?

Are you sure that's a good idea?

KarenUhOh (#19)

I've consulted the Huey Lewis lyrics tattooed on the roof of my mouth, doctor, and frankly, I'm concerned.

shelven (#1,992)

<==what he said

TableNine (#1,104)

My Che T-shirt is still good to go, right?

KarenUhOh (#19)

's a joke, right? Because being truly hip, it's about not having rules, eh?

Joy (#1,016)

It is funny that this is sponsored by Gillette, considering that to get a hipster girl you must have a beard.

deepomega (#1,720)

You beat me to it! Time to go shave my beard in shame.

cherrispryte (#444)

This reminds me that I embody all of the negative qualities of being a girl hipster coupled with virtually none of the positive ones.

AwlrightyThen (#8,187)

What are your negative qualities? I'll try to spin them as positive ones, or just make you feel worse about them, depending :)

bb (#295)

I guess this is supposed to be a joke but it's still just the same joke over and over.

though the world does need to be better informed that goatees are not a good idea, I'll give you that.

WellThen (#1,251)

I took it as genuine, but with attempts at self-parody to make the bitter pill easier to swallow. (Though if I were a dude I'd probably be crossing hipster chicks off my list right about now, if I hadn't already.)

When were goatees considered "adorably nerdy"? That's what I'd like to know. Is this a regional attitude, or did I just totally miss something?

bb (#295)

I don't know if they were ever adorably nerdy- but as a high schooler in the 90s I thought they were cool in an indie rocker way (see, like, chris cornell, that kind of person). Now not so much. Same way that bell bottoms look right in some moments, but not others I think.

bb (#295)

I'm still unsure about which elements are supposed to be a joke, but I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt that no person would actually write things like "So: you like bikes? Mention that the fixed gear bike we parked outside is kinda sexy" in seriousness.

WellThen (#1,251)

Yeah, indy or alt rocker cool I get. Personally, I think goatees really work for some people, but not nearly as many as actually wear them, unfortunately.

I read that sexy bike line as half-serious, but I'm honestly not sure. Kinda curious how this hypothetical guy knows it's her bike. Did they get there at the same time? If so, the appropriate time to comment on it probably would have been then, whereas her scenario makes it sound like this conversation would occur inside the club. (Yes, I can be nitpicky, but I'm big on clarity, you know?)

MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

The Awl so often leaves me confused about my identity – am I a Young? Am I a hipster? Crisis-y! I suppose all I can do is plead "if you have to ask…"

blueprint (#2,019)

"Hipster" girls are the best thing to happen to skinny, pretentious, heavily-bearded cycling enthusiasts. Ever.

lbf (#2,343)

Stop talking about my girlfriend like that

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Guys- if you are looking for a woman who embodies exactly zero of the above attributes *call me.

Ronit (#1,557)

How YOU doin?

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Just at my job, listening to Henryk Gorecki's Third Symphony…

Ronit (#1,557)

*swoons*

Tulletilsynet (#333)

No inky stuff? Swear?

Bittersweet (#765)

@Tuna: how do you work to Gorecki 3 without breaking down sobbing? Color me impressed.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

WHAT IF WE SHOW UP AT KICKBALL PRACTICE WITH A SEVERED GOAT'S HEAD?

Sackin (#2,393)

Only if the severed goat's head is vegan.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

I CLEANSE PERIODICALLY WITH KREATOR'S "FLAG OF HATE" E.P. (but only the A-side.)

Sackin (#2,393)

Might work?

Tulletilsynet (#333)

The severed goat's head is vegan if you don't put it in your mouth.

NinetyNine (#98)

"They like sponsored content generally."

Smitros (#5,315)

How do hipster girls stand on the five versus three blades issue?

lbf (#2,343)

Fuck it. Fuck everything. #prescient

Smitros (#5,315)

Exacatly.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

This and this is leading me to believe that the right woman for me might be 40. Or not born yet.

garge (#736)

She may be finishing up her formative years being raised by wolves. Don't rule that out yet.

That nurtured in the wilderness look is so IN.

Bittersweet (#765)

And so ready to be introduced to Gillette products!

Backslider (#819)

Does anyone here remember the crazy homelessy guy who used to stomp up and down Bedford Ave around the turn of the century? Every few minutes he'd shout something profound like, "FUCKING HIPPIES! PRETTY SOON SOMEONE IS GONNNA COME ALONG AND DRAFT YOU ALL TO MOTHERFUCKING VIET NAM!"

I miss that guy.

gumplr (#66)

Very political, looks like the salt guy from Home Alone? He's still around.

I remember the crazy guy near Tribeca that used to throw the lid of a coffee container in a perfect arc — like a frisbee — and catch it. He did this all day at the turn of the century — fin de siecle — and it was impressive. He made so much money from cars passing by impressed with his prowess. Wonder what happened to him.

Neopythia (#353)

Are we referring to it as the "turn of the century" now? I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Backslider (#819)

Maybe he got drafted to Viet Nam?

Ronit (#1,557)

My problem with this whole thing is the requirement that I feign interest in contemporary music.

I'm into music even more obscure than you. Which is to say, I'm a classical music nerd. I don't care at all for whatever band you're listening to at the moment, and I wouldn't recognize anything reviewed on pitchfork, but I am seriously into obscure Hungarian and Polish composers from the mid 20th century and baroque dudes that we don't have any original manuscripts for. Sorry, hipster girls. It was not meant to be.

cherrispryte (#444)

*call me – we'll chat about MieczysÅ‚aw Fogg?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

This is why you go about your Monteverdi librettos and ignore them. They'll be chasing you down the street, dude.

Monteverdi — Vespers of 1610 or Il Combattimento di Tancredi e Clorinda #truehip

Art Yucko (#1,321)

L'Incoronazione di Poppea, duh. Orfeo was played in the EIGHTIES.

Bittersweet (#765)

Stop it, you guys, I'm getting all hot and bothered.

Ronit (#1,557)

If HIP stands for "historically informed performance" to you, call me

HiredGoons (#603)

One of the best one night stands I ever had was with a French Horn player with a weakness for Opera.

Classicists be bonin' classically like.

pepper (#676)

Best thing about the last performance of L'Incoronazione di Poppea I saw? Catherine Malfitano, nude. I kind of miss postmodernism.

lbf (#2,343)

Step Five is super ladydouchey, just FYI. Makes me feel incredibly lucky to be marrying my hipster girl instead of resorting to dating, because, ugh, self-aggrandizing through overloading your agenda and not making notes of your engagements is a diiiiiiick move that I barely tolerate in the people I work with (only if they're my boss) and straight up refuse to put up with in friends. Get an assistant.

djfreshie (#875)

FUCKYES number 5!

To be honest I'm 99% now this is not satire. So I shall confidently say that #5 is just a superdick way of saying "I'm going to do whatever I want with absolutely no regard for anybody else or their schedules." Great, lady. I'll bet you have been in a ton of amazing rewarding relationships with that attitude.

And at least if it was flakiness, it wouldn't be deliberate. There is no virtue in being disorganized. Spontaneity? Sure! Sometimes! Constant spontaneity? Worst most unreliable person in the universe please go away forever.

lbf (#2,343)

You don't get it, she's so random*!

*That's not what random means

djfreshie (#875)

Random means what you want it to mean. That's what makes it so random! Either way, I loved that movie Gary Sinise never disappoints.

lbf (#2,343)

I didn't reference no Gary Sinise movie. …or did we just have a moment.

djfreshie (#875)

"Random" starring Rene Russo and Mel Gibson. And the fat Wahlberg?

poisonville (#776)

"The end of negging"? This piece would seem to represent its apotheosis.

bb (#295)

I can't believe I just read something about "negging" that actually made me pause and think, wow that is so true.

iantenna (#5,160)

i'd rather discuss the discography of mr. fucking mister than even think for one second more about the crime against humanity that is matt and kim.

MParcells (#375)

Yea yeah, yea yeah, yea yeah!

Oh, I mean. I agree. I fucking agree.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

hague-level atrocity of a band

gumplr (#66)

I would definitely go see Hague Level Atrocity if they were playing CMJ.

lbf (#2,343)

The one thing I don't get about them is why they didn't call their first record "we stole everything from Mates of State, who stole most of everything from Quasi"

6h057 (#1,914)

College Humor/Busted Tees' Amanda Ferri (the chick in the picture) would like to remind you you're gonna strike out looking*.

6h057 (#1,914)


*baseball term

Art Yucko (#1,321)

ACTUALLY I was admiring the potted succulent palms to the right.

paultron (#6,776)

Yeah, quite an ironic person to use in picture form for this piece with all that beard-directed talk and all.

Flashman (#418)

@AY: Maybe you ought to be called Art Yucca?

Zach Bates (#5,537)

I love when people are so self-absorbed that they feel like sharing all the ways one must act to hang out with them. Or… maybe this was just a parody that went right the fuck over my head?

MattP (#475)

Don't rule out the possibility that both of those might be true.

I'll cancel the reservation.

Thank whatever is holy that I don't try to do this anymore. Trying to date a hipster, it's *so* three years ago.

hipsters should not be tossed aside lightly. THEY MUST BE THROWN WITH GREAT FORCE

Leti (#362)

tl;dr but I seriously doubt anyone is having a hard time picking up hipster girls. spoler alert: they are desperate and outnumber dudes like a million to one.

lbf (#2,343)

I would watch the SHIT out of a hipster Sex the City

petejayhawk (#1,249)

Whether this is satire or not, I have but three words:

Get over yourself.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

Nice hoodie and scarf, but that's a face of a healthy country girl, not a smoker who gets up after 1pm to have en espresso for breakfast.

saythatscool (#101)

They like runway models standing in for writers generally.

jfruh (#713)

NEVER FORGET this important bit of ethnographic research from the Late Night Shots crowd:

http://wonkette.com/391219/late-night-shots-doods-fall-for-hipster-gals

Inclduing this shocking reveal: "So uh, I don't really have any useful advice… I guess other than be a nice and fun person. This works with all sorts of people."

cherrispryte (#444)

Well that explains why all my favorite bars have been going downhill ……

Matt (#26)

OH JESUS THE "lithe, vegan bodies" POST.

aslkfjas;lfjkaslfkjas;ldfkjasdfkjsdlf;ad

Charlie (#4,250)

up next: "how to pick up the hot bookish girl who never leaves her house on saturday nights"

saythatscool (#101)

I have two words of advice for that scenario: home invasion.

Charlie (#4,250)

home is where the action is (*wink)

katiechasm (#163)

Have roommates who invite people over a lot. This is how I met one guy I dated, and I didn't even have to leave the house.

lbf (#2,343)

Well I would post a link to Saturday Looks Good To Me's "The Girl's Distracted" here for topical amusement/goodwill spreadin' but there's no studio version on the inter-net. CURSES

iantenna (#5,160)

@lbf: best band and nicest dude in indie-rock. i still listen to s/t and all your summer songs on the regular. and i put out a 7" of "the girl's distracted" with a sweet b-side.

lbf (#2,343)

Imma play Every night now, drinking whiskey why my fiancée's gone out to some fucking Magic Kids aftershow or something. Parisian hipsters, bleh.

Unrelated: high-fives for italics and quotation marks in appropriate places

Quit talking about me, girl.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

> home invasion

STC, you're all right.

ecgroom (#570)

WAIT…what?!
I've been told I'm cute, smart, funny, I'm not too much of a jerk, I am familiar with the discography of Matt and Kim and I HATE voicemail.
I go to plenty of shows where I see all you hipster girls in attendance.
I even have a blog.
So what gives?!

Grant G Brown (#3,366)

They're too busy pursuing jocky meathead guys. It's so wrong but it feels SO RIGHT, right?

Sackin (#2,393)

Are you creepy? Maybe you're coming off as creepy.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

We get it, you take inordinate pride in being weird and are a huge pain in the ass. Yeah, both are attractive traits.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@scroll_lock:

You must get out of my brain today. I've been sitting here mumbling, "Ugh. Typical Young Person thinks she's sooo unique."

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Let's pile the hate on, CityD! She's asking for it!

Bobby Womack (#4,074)

So am I a dick if I'm happy I just married my med student girlfriend who is none of the aforementioned things? She's not on the cutting edge when it comes to shitty bands, she doesn't have any tattoos, she doesn't own any plaid, and she doesn't have bangs, but she's whip-smart and incredibly funny and kind.

Also, I shave with a double-edged safety razor.

cherrispryte (#444)

As long as you're shaving with a GILETTE double-edged safety razor, you're fine.

Though I suppose it depends – are you a dick cause you just got married even though lots of other people can't? Sort of.

Are you a dick cause your new wife isn't a hipster? Of course not.

shudder (#5,913)

OMFG. Me too.

hockeymom (#143)

At what point does someone stop being a hipster and start being just plain pathetic?

scroll_lock (#4,122)

When they take themselves this seriously without justification.

Bittersweet (#765)

@hockeymom: isn't that a given just using the h-word?

lbf (#2,343)

h-word is other people

katiechasm (#163)

Re: the alt-text, I thought the point of hipster girls was that they don't vary. They're all pretty interchangeable.

katiechasm (#163)

"We're just the same as everyone else, only cuter, better dressed, and know way more about music and pop culture than you do."

And when 80-90% of the young-person population wears skinny jeans, has bangs and listens to Neon Indian, it's time to realize that you're not that special.

djfreshie (#875)

"We're just the same as everyone else, only we shop at American Apparel and read blogs and download what p4k tells us to."

There, fixed.

Ken Layne (#262)

This person is going to die alone.

maebefunke (#154)

Does your avatar come in t-shirt form?

maebefunke (#154)

<3 you internet and your hoardes of people who take you too seriously. Funny piece, Erica!

saythatscool (#101)

Well explain it to me then. This is a joke? A parody? Sarcasm?

Moff (#28)

I'm going with: straight-facedly over-the-top.

iantenna (#5,160)

@stc: if i had to venture a guess i would say "yes, yes, and yes." the problem is that it lacks one crucial element, being remotely fucking funny.

djfreshie (#875)

THAT'S THE PROBLEM I knew that was the problem it was the lack of funny. I guess that raises the grade from F to D+ for effort?

djfreshie (#875)

Sorry that was douchey of me. Really though. I'm still on the fence about it, and if it's serious then it's terrible, and if it's jokey, then I don't really understand it. And I got Donnie Darko on my first try so let's just say I "get" "things".

zidaane (#373)

The middlings of Craigslist.

katiechasm (#163)

I thought about it and it's almost worse if it is a parody.

maebefunke (#154)

No, really, I still think it's funny.

Spencer Lund (#2,331)

something something hesher something vagina coffin something celibate since I moved to Williamsburg.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

My Chastibro belt is custom-made in Vermont and is painted with graphic stripes. Spent an entire week's pay on it. Oh, and check this out dude. It's got a holster for my 1/2 pint of George Dickel.

Matt (#26)

Hey guys? Do we have an official tequila yet? How about rum?? I am going with Mount Gay for rum. Tequila should probably be something with a worm in it, but I don't really drink tequila that doesn't come in Zevon form since I am not 19 anymore so I am pretty open to suggestion, on this issue.

#having your backchannels out in the open dot tumblr dot com

Art Yucko (#1,321)

I dunno, anything but Patron? Cazadores is a longtime resident of the official cabinet. Since I don't drink Rum very often, I'll recuse myself. (Once upon a time, in wylder yearz, I was known to occasionally abuse Parrot Bay and Dr. Pepper. I don't wanna talk about it.)

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Did you just say "half pint of George Dickel"?

6h057 (#1,914)

"They like to be pampered and taken out generally."

Aloysius (#1,808)

Dear Erica (and like-minded hipster girls),

Please stop. Keeping up with all your layers of pretense is exhausting.

Sincerely,
A man who likes women who don't spend their lives acting like they're ironically impersonating themselves.

lbf (#2,343)

Dear Erica,

the rest of us do need o get laid though, so keep on plzthx

Can I just pay for two hours?

cherrispryte (#444)

Aren't you really paying for her to leave, anyway?

In that case, how much for 25 minutes? I can only listen to raving about unsigned Brooklyn bands for so long.

HiredGoons (#603)

How to Pick Up A Gay Hipster Dude: be slightly drunk.

Kevin Knox (#4,475)

This can actually work with straight hipster dudes as well, especially if you have more beer at home.

HiredGoons (#603)

Works especially well with bisexual French gallerists visiting from Denmark.

lbf (#2,343)

oui oui! appelle-moi!

Ronit (#1,557)

This also works with dudes in general

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

LIES. As I discovered in the narthex this weekend, this ONLY WORKS if the guy you are trying to pick up IS SLIGHTLY DRUNK AS WELL.

Kevin Knox (#4,475)

@ Doctor Disaster: that is where the "more beer at home" comes in, obvs.

Moff (#28)

So many irritated commenters!

Ensuring the proliferation of similar posts in the future!

Da-da-da!

(It's meant to be sung.)

Can you put in a line about selling sponsored-post status targeted to the posts most likely to achieve 100+ comments? Thanks in advance!

Moff (#28)

It would be pretty dumb to make the sponsored posts entirely unprovocative!

I have tattoos from the 80s that are older than you.

Oh, and I'm married anyway, so beat it.

zidaane (#373)

Falcon Crest? Alf?

KarenUhOh (#19)

4 million years of Internet self-awareness and we still can't figure out how to get a date without being jerks.

fairest (#413)

Step 6: Don't ask why our cute red hats have strings.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Which is more annoying, the Gillette she-hipster's po-faced explication of all that is hipstery and worth seducing about herself, or this wonderful exercise in cultural incomprehension?

On the whole, I'd rather be in Williamsburg.

lbf (#2,343)

oh man, the Norwegian version of finest.se, you have made my next drunken night at the computer with my girlfriend.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Værsågod.

Think I'm gonna vom.

lbf (#2,343)

We already quoted one Polyvinyl band in these comments, why not two.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Maybe you have to make a run for the plumbing in the middle of a word. But you do take time to punctuate.

admiral akbar (#8,016)

If wearing non-skinny jeans means fewer hipster girls out smoking in front of the all too nearby Beauty Bar flirt with me when I walk by, then that's a feature, not a bug.
Me, I'm too old for hipster girls. I remember a time, before the internet, when being weird was something you just were, not an affectation you relied on your parents to afford.
Also, that whole anti-corporate rant you hipster girls have brewing is kind of undermined by the P-Funks you're chain smoking, just sayin.
Alsoalso, the "my sexual identity was formed by porn" bit is fun for about 15 minutes, but when you start calling me "master" I call up mapquest and see where the nearest G is.
Now get off my damn lawn, you people who are 5-10 years younger than me.

admiral akbar (#8,016)

I know I know, I meant google maps. I'm that old.

hazmathilda (#839)

I liked it! THERE.

hazmathilda (#839)

(because it's true)

Abe Sauer (#148)

The Levee is a dive bar?

erikonymous (#3,231)

by Williamsburg standards, yes.

Sackin (#2,393)

having a backyard doesn't make it classy.

Abe Sauer (#148)

The Levee has a backyard now?

Sackin (#2,393)

Dude, yes.

NinetyNine (#98)

The Levee? Didn't that place burn down around the time Save the Robots closed?

HiredGoons (#603)

THE LEVEE ALSO HAS AVATAR PINBALL.

erikonymous (#3,231)

and cheeseballs! free cheeseballs for all!

erikonymous (#3,231)

"making each night into an epic quest to have the time of your life."

this perfectly sums up what I hate about dating these days. it seems to have become this impossible arms race where girls expect the nuclear option to be invoked every single night.

DPD (#3,725)

"I'm — 'we're' — better than you! Well, the same. But first, here are the reasons 'we're' much, much worse! Anyway, well, bye!"

cherrispryte (#444)

I'm coming out and saying I found this funny. Between the "aw shit I do that" and the "ha, my friend does that," I enjoyed this.
The fact that I am frumpy as hell and nowhere near a hipster may mean I'm not your target demographic, but still, I was amused.

bushwick daily (#8,021)

hahaha exactly! don't call, text and come up with something fun to do. :-DDD

shostakobitch (#1,692)

I once got really high with a woman and she shaved my pubic hair. I think it was Gillette she used. I want to think it was a Gillette.

Also the last hipster girl I fucked had read roughly the first 200 pages of Infinite Jest. She had large breasts.

shostakobitch (#1,692)

Fuck I'm violating #3. There is no God, Gillette. I'm going to mention commonalities to try to make up for it. "Heartbeeps" was a pretty good movie…

This whole page is gross.

zidaane (#373)

Eagerly awaiting the Awl Guide to Picking up Vagabonds. I already have a mandolin.

Abe Sauer (#148)

I'm not sure why you'd actually want to know how to pick up a Midwest dude. We're all too-fat obnoxious know-nothings who sneer at you for listening to the latest Billboard Charts topper (unless it's Sugarland, of course). Maybe you like the sadism, I don't know. Maybe you have a tattoo fetish. Maybe going to football games and eating locally-owned Johnsonville brats and/or meals that should be in dumpsters is cheaper than all the money you'd spend going to South by Southwest. Maybe you've been watching the collected works of Flight of the Concords and want to expand your repertoire (in which case, stop; there's a strong chance people want to punch you in the face when you quote them.) Maybe you're a slightly nerdy girl in with a moderately-popular Tumblr who loves to bake her own pies but is thinks that a roll in the hay with a guy you don't respect on geographic principle is the ultimate counterculture fashion statement (in which case, you're adorable, email me). Whatever your reason, it's obvious you're going to need some help. Because I've seen you doing it wrong.

Here's the big secret about dating Midwest dudes: we're just the same as everyone else, only bigger, less concerned about how we're dressed, and know way more about single stroke engines and professional sports than you do. But in the end we're still looking for the same thing everybody else is: someone who's cute, smart, funny, won't be too much of a jerk and is at least familiar with the discography of Kenney Chesney.

So don't bring up a keffiyeh (nobody knows what those are anyway outside "those scarves terrorists wear"), put down the PBR, stop asking people if they like Garth Brooks, and listen to me.

Step one: Come to us.

I don't know where you live and, frankly, I don't care. Unless it would make a good pre-party place because it's around the corner from the stadium, nobody's going to care. Come to us. We're very busy! There's work on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays (and sometimes Saturdays); Fantasy football meet-up every Monday night (and some Thursdays); softball league on Wednesday nights; taking Grandma out to the Friday fish fry every Friday; church on Sunday (also with Grandma); our volunteer shift at the church on Thursdays; and sure, we may not be hunting until November but that doesn't mean we're not going to get drinks with our hunting buddies every Saturday afternoon and plan for it. We just don't have time to venture outside of the county where all this stuff is happening, let alone to come and meet you in a bar in some college town where there's no parking and crappy beer is $4. Instead, make the trek to our towns. Join the clubs we're in. It might even give you something to talk to us about.

Step Two: Yes, just talk to us.

We may look judgmental, but mostly that's just our hats. Really, we're quite nice. It's okay if you have preposterous tattoos that you'll regret in 20 years, or can't really fill out an adult woman's bra. We're might not break our facade of naivete to come over and talk to you, but chances are if you offer to buy us a drink we'll take you up on it (let's be real: we're living off the last few manufacturing jobs left, don't have health insurance and are drinking here because they sell Miller Lite & a whiskey shot for $1.75 Of course we will take you up on it). We probably have a lot to talk about-we too may harbor an unhealthy obsession with "Jersey Shore," like the latest Ke$ha song, or be equally fascinated by Insane Clown Posse. My friend Jesse says, "the biggest difference between trying to pick up a 'Midwest Dude' and The Situation is most Midwest Dudes will value commonality much more than your average man. They have had a life of feeling disillusioned and outcast from others and want to feel like they have a friend in this dark, cold universe. If you feel there is a strong chance his favorite movie is Caddyshack, just like yours, bring it up ASAP."

So: you like bikes? Mention that the Harley-Davidson Sportser we parked outside is kinda sexy. Happen to think our faded Randy Couture Affliction t-shirt is awesome? Well then, say so. Tell us you like our shoulders, although be careful with that one. As my friend Jack warns (whose shoulders are admittedly pretty awesome): "Do not under any circumstances refer to my shoulders as 'deltoids.' That just sounds douchey. A line like 'I really like your shoulders, how ouch do you lift?' can work quite nicely, and is most effective if you actually know how hard it is to lift heavy things. But!" he added, "you must touch the shoulders, they are 3-D and you are invited to put your hands on me…"

Step Three: Don't be creepy.

This one especially goes out to that girl last Friday night who thought it was hilarious to keep asking if we really tipped cows, that girl who "jokingly" said it looked like we were wearing clothing from Wal-Mart and then tried to get our number.

Stop it. You're crazy. The last thing we want to worry about is whether or not some random crazy chick (you) is going to try to write about us on her blog. Talk to us like a normal person, make us laugh, that's all great. But it's not endearing to make fun of our shoes. We didn't spend more than 20 seconds which is why our hair to look this good-we don't want to have to run home and shower just because… because.

Step Four: Pop culture is not Life

You don't need to avoid endlessly meta-enabling shit that's on TV to make it sound less crass and horrible and justify your fanship of it. But please. Enough about The Social Network. And toss finding female empowerment or lack thereof in every fucking thing you see. You listen only to U2? Great. You write off Coldplay like that vanilla band's rise was not because of hipsters? Get the fuck outta' here. The great thing about the Internet? You can tour it off. Because after a certain point, having one personality for online and one for offline means you're a sociopath.

Step Five: It's called flakiness

Everybody I know considers making and sticking to solid plans an admirable character trait. We're not Nazis, it's just that being dumped for "something better came up" makes you hard to respect, I don't care how you reason it.

But you know what will impress us? If you blow off that matinee Todd P show, your friend's zine launch party, those couple of bars, that dancing until 4 a.m. at your friend's DJ night, the pop-up art party in the back of rented U-Haul trucks in Bushwick, and a party with a boxing ring and a slip 'n' slide. The truth is that the traditional dinner and a movie date is so uncool it's probably the most truly alternative thing you will have done in years. The fried chicken we can agree on.

On a related note, sorry about not returning your text, email, IM, Facebook or direct-message at us, we were at work.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

"There's work on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays"

Ha! No need to act hip when you're living the life.
Shit just writes itself, dude. Excellent!

SeanP (#4,058)

I've read this post like five times and I'm still speechless over it's awesomeness.

Sackin (#2,393)

I think the Harley-Davidson Sportser you parked outside is kinda sexy.

zidaane (#373)

Abe's is the Artic Cat. And he's near the bar with his snowmobile suite tied around his waist.

6h057 (#1,914)

Hahaha… But seriously, hahaha…

garge (#736)

Re: intro/why–some women enjoy being picked up (viz., literally) by Midwestern dudes. Or so I've heard.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Note to self: Before posting any future story whatever, consider how it would play as a Mad-Lib in the hands of Abe Sauer.

Perfect. [bear hug]

Ronit (#1,557)

" There's work on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays (and sometimes Saturdays)"

Oh my god. It's like you just wrote about my life, Abe.

Kevin Knox (#4,475)

I am so turned on right now.

saythatscool (#101)

So good Abe.

Doug Henwood (#6,729)

I think she's kinda cute, but I'm as old as the hills, so don't listen to me.

katiechasm (#163)

As a culture, can we move on from the "making fun of hipsters" meme? It's always done by people desperately trying to convince themselves they aren't hipsters and it's never funny.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

There's no punchline that can top "That's not funny!"

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Especially coming after "Can we move on?"

Nick_Cooks (#8,026)

I wouldn't hate on Mystery/pick up tricks – especially if you're coming from Neil Strauss's book. What you preach is what Style teaches. It teaches you not to be afraid to talk to people, especially girls. He tells you to get a clue into what the fashion of the day is. He tells you to have a clue as to what's going on in the world. Sure, negging is involved, but it isn't supposed to come until people have already established conversation and you can afford to make a joke (the ones you mention are pretty bad) to knock a girl down a level – only in good fun.

If you aren't a Jersey Shore type fool, then what you get out of Mystery/Style is learning how to talk to people, concentrate on your appearance and just becoming a more sociable person. Seems to me that's the kind of person you are looking for…Don't hate.

caw_caw (#5,641)

Ugh can't wait for The Awl Guide To Picking Up Hobos
Sponsored by Samsonite

canadienne (#8,031)

I feel pretty embarrassed for the girl that wrote this. the Look What Hipsters (Like Me) Do joke is pretty much this generation's "what's the deal with airplane food!!" so congratulations for writing such a hilarious and original piece. better luck next time.

(I'm choosing to ignore the possibility that she's being serious as an act of good will toward the author)

pants-pants8 (#8,032)

i'm really hoping this girl is kidding with this stupid article. hipsters are douchebags who pride themselves on being "hip" when in reality, they're just wannabe twits. no one wants to be a hipster, and those who do are just sad.

she makes me ashamed to live in williamsburg, to love best coast and to hang around enids on thursdays and drink pbrs… ugh.

hostingprop (#8,034)

sweeet :))

KarenUhOh (#19)

This has all been tres Schick.

Anarcissie (#3,748)

In any case, picking up a young hipster woman seems like a lot of work. Maybe it would be a better idea to pick up an old hipster woman.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Picking up an old hipster woman since 19__.

AndyPussy (#8,036)

'I really like your work, who did it?' in step 2 really hits the nail on the head when it comes to people like this.

AndyPussy (#8,036)

BTW CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT HIPSTERS PLEASE

marivaux (#8,037)

This essay receives an "A" for effectively demonstrating the argument presented in the first sentence with a plethora of evidence. The hipster girl in question is indeed vain, broke, shallow, self-centered, and a lackluster writer, suggesting that she will continue to be broke for the foreseeable future. She is, demonstrably, a poor dating prospect. An "F" for a website with the slogan "Be Less Stupid" for publishing it, though.

Cynthia G (#6,370)

"Loose the baggy blue jeans"
Isn't this sort of a redundant description? I mean if a pear of genes are lose then aren't they already bagy?

How to pick up a Hipster Girl.
Step One:
Be a coke dealer.

The rest is superfluous though not very sponsor friendly.

obscure band (#8,733)

I like how one of the tags is Pure Feminism.

Tim Chmielewski (#8,533)

I'm busy, I know not of these things called "girls" or "relationships". I work and I take photos, that's all there is in my life.

Ullr Bugaj (#10,748)

forget you, i had to stop reading when you misspelled "stifle" as "stiffle." that's the problem with hipster chicks. they make as many mistakes as all the other chicks, but you can't make fun of 'em for it. i have yet to run into a hipster who understands the glory of Point Break. they are either incredibly into the greatest something ever that they "read about" (read: saw on tv) for 3 minutes, or think it's "so bad it's good." they can't handle things that find their beauty somewhere in the middle, that have aspects of the terrible and the beautiful all at once (bigelow, Bodhisattva, jumping out of a plane without a parachute). if you're going to come at me with your hipster nonsense, you have to be flawless or i will eat you alive. that's why i stay off the hipsters.

al chezz (#14,247)

ooohhh god! picking up hipster chicks is the easiest thing to do!!
just don't be a politically correct to the point of nausea mangina like there boy friends!
and they will be on you in a second! Simply stated they like men with balls!!
not shriveled up little grape nut sakes like hipster man child's!

wow, whomever this girl is sounds like a douchebag. No thanks, I'll talk to women not girls.

Nin ji@twitter (#234,656)

Hipster chicks bring out the worst in me. I always want to stick it in their poopers.

Jody Schmidt (#238,619)

I really am only aware of what is popular or classic. My brother is much more with it and tries to turn me on to new stuff again and again, and also tries to get me to visit Paris to see the latest cool trends and to directly experience the latest cultural movements. But, I am not into it. I think I should study the classics first, the masters, before I become caught up in trends. I also am not down with being negative, or cynical. I think that nature should be utilized to bring happiness and hope into the world. In that way, I am a true optimist. And, when I finally did listen to my brother and check out the latest in Paris, I was already behind the curve. What I enjoyed the most was already passe. I never have any sense of what is cool, or what is going to be a trend among the cool, and I certainly have no inside knowledge of all those little happenings that those in the know, like hipsters, know about. I am kinda typically the last to know.

Know who I am?? I am VINCENT VAN GOGH circa 1887. [All references adopted directly from his letters to his brother Theo, with little or no artistic license]

Still think you are edgier or more creative than Van Gogh, you valueless piece of rubbish?? Didn't think so.
Don't you know that only a VERY VERY few of us can ever be truly original?

No matter how hard you posture, or early adopt trends or technology, or sneer at Coldplay, you and your hipster friends are all very unlikely to produce anyone of originality or true vision. Doesn't the truth suck?

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