Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Why Doesn't Barack Obama Wear Shorts?

omgbamaBarack Obama just about never wears shorts. So far as I can tell, there were two instances at a beach in Hawaii, one time when he went golfing, and another when he was playing basketball, that he has been photographed wearing shorts. (And yes, "board shorts" are swimsuits and they don't count.)

In December of 2008, a shorts-wearing Obama got some unwanted tabloid attention on what was actually a trip to say farewell to his recently deceased grandmother. (He got attention for this trip on blogs as well-according to the Free Republic boards, he killed her because she knew the truth about his fake birth certificate.) Since then, it's been pretty much all slacks, jeans and track pants all the time, whether he was playing a game of basketball…

Bball Sweats

…just shooting around by himself…

Strokin' it

…preparing to hoist adorable children…


…golfing by himself…

Golfing Solo

…playing football with a dog…


…throwing a baseball…

First Pitch

….or most recently, hiking through the hills of Maine.

Maine Has Hills? Who Knew?

Barack Obama tries to avoid wearing shorts, even when the situation would seem to be appropriate. Why is this the case, that President Obama should almost never wear shorts, even when the situation completely calls for it? A few theories:

He's too manly.
"The time has come to set aside childish things." -Barack Obama at his inaugural address.

Perhaps because he's a grown man and the leader of the free world, President Obama tries to not be dress like a plump German schoolboy from a Brothers Grimm story, or worse like those goddamn Cubs fans.

9/11 The financial crisis changed everything and ushered in a new era where Americans demanded serious adults as their political leaders. As such, shorts were out.

He has something to hide.
Perhaps he has gangrene, or really bad eczema or some other condition that he wants to keep from the public. The most likely scenario is that he is hiding his type 2 diabetes from his wife, hater of fat kids everywhere. Also maybe the Muslim tattoos.

A break from the past.
George Bush wore shorts.

Reaching out to the global community.
You don't really see a lot of world leaders, particularly in the Middle East, wearing shorts all the time. If we are going to build Iraq and Afghanistan into permanent allies, and perhaps improve relations with Iran, we need to be able to empathize with them and relate to their culture, and part of that is wearing long pants even when it's hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock.

Redeeming a gift.
Maybe some foreign diplomat gave him a box of sweatpants for his birthday (but not for Christmas!) and now he has to wear them every time he's doing something vaguely athletic and being photographed. Getting gifts when you are president must be the worst-you have to pretend to like it, and most likely be photographed using it. No wonder he gives intentionally shitty gifts to our closest allies.

28 Comments / Post A Comment

jrb (#3,020)

Still waiting on special dispensation from Balk. Gotta get that switchboard in order.

deepomega (#1,720)

Perhaps it's because he doesn't want us to see his robot exoskeleton legs?

joshc (#442)

I actually remember a serious news outlet covering the story of whether he was hiding his skinny legs behind sweatpants during the campaign. (Miss U 2k8)

doubled277 (#2,783)


Rw (#1,458)

Because shorts look rigoddamndiculous, common and often Lazy on grown men, except when necessary for sport etc. and there is no way to look Presidential in them, especially if your name is Barack Hussein Obama.

cherrispryte (#444)

Which is worse, though – shorts, or those mom-jeans he's sporting at that baseball game?

I feel like I need to have a word with him about tucking his shirt into his track pants. As in, "no."

Could it have anything to do with him being a GROWN MAN?

wb (#2,214)

Maybe he reads The Awl?

roboloki (#1,724)

dear barrack,
please legalize weed.
that is all.
(name withheld to protect my buzz)

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

Barry is a dork. He should stick with shiny suites.

Hamilton (#122)

Don't trust anyone who plays basketball in long pants.

kneetoe (#1,881)

Especially when they tell you they're not using steroids.

joshc (#442)

I believe the answer is that he is an adult human male.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

This reminds me of the time when I asked a friend who was getting fat why doesn't he go running. His (serious) answer: "Because I am a father". Sure made me feel childish.

kneetoe (#1,881)

He never gets photographed smoking either (see where I'm going with this?). . .

garge (#736)

There's a secret shorts chamber attached to the oval office???

kneetoe (#1,881)


garge (#736)

::punches self in mouth::

The only pic where he looks out of place in pants is the first one, and the one where he's swinging an invisible golf club (because he should be in pajamas for that).

barnhouse (#1,326)

Because Rupert Murdoch is watching, obviously.

gumplr (#66)


Crantastical (#4,127)

He's wearing the Jerry Seinfeld Special in that baseball pic: ridiculously snug mom jeans with super white gigantic sneakers.

laurel (#4,035)

Wait, your sweatpants come in a box?

oldirtybassist (#3,630)

How does one get to play ball with Barry? Do you think those are all secret service people specially picked to give him confidence-boosting alley-oops?

kneetoe (#1,881)

If he's like me, he wears long pants to keep his big dick concealed. But he's probably not like me.

obfuscator (#4,022)

skinny legs?

This was my thought too. Maybe, in addition to knowing that shorts on a grown man will look ridiculous, he just doesn't like how his legs look. And when you know photos of you get splashed across every newspaper/website in the world, it's better to just not show them and not deal with it.

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