In recognition of today's extremely warm weather forecast (RealFeel® 101°), the Awl has relaxed its ban on the wearing of shorts for the following groups: little boys, professional tennis players, and those super-cut dudes who work the door at Hollister Co. down on Broadway. If you do not fall within one of these exempted categories then you are still required to DRESS LIKE A GODDAMN MAN. Thank you.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
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Men Who Can Wear Shorts
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Because why?
Because SOCIETY has to have STANDARDS or else CIVILIZATION is DOOMED.
Obviously.
I'm choosing to believe that is a photo of Choire as a child, I will not hear otherwise and I'll thank you all to respect my choices.
I had no idea the Edwardians wore tube socks.
I'm getting more of a Pareene vibe.
I'm behind this. My initial ladyboner for the pic of Gram Parsons and Keith Richards in the Times this weekend was totally deflated by Gram's shortshorts.
I refuse to believe this. Then again, men's pants shouldbe tight enough that you can tell if they're circumcised, so. If a man can't slut it up in the summer, when can he?
(A: All the time, please.)
Poor little kid! Looks like he needs a smoke.
That left hand wants a cocktail glass of some sort.
It's Abe. That left hand is balled up in a fist.
No, I was a happy shorts child
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22138705@N00/4642818950/
Ha ha! Your brother on the other hand! Fuss in boots!
(I mean that in the "you are both adorable kids" kind of way but he has a grump face on)
Can I still wear lederhosen as part of my Bavarian hiking fantasy that I scheduled for this afternoon?
Of course dear, fantasies are always exempt from such rules. Now go get ready and don't be late okay?
Thank mein fraulein.
Fine. No head butting this time!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv4_cr79Pj4
Damn. My dirndl's at the cleaners..
@c_webb: I had to google that. I didn't even know that those dresses had a name! But I LOVE them.
I would like to remind the Management that shorts lead to upshorts shots, which are indeed a Thing, and a Good Thing at that. So there.
Full disclosure: I am wearing shorts at my desk right now.
Ummm...did Balk just change your avatar?
I would add 'people who sail.'
Basically, I mean Kennedys.
But only on the boat, damnit!
I'm not a WASP, nor a part-WASP, so I am unclear on the concept: isn't this what the Nantucket Reds Jolie goes on and on about are for?
yeah, New England WASPs or any White Male Country-Clubbers are all exempt.
or my preference: the bar at the clubhouse.
Nantucket Reds are heaven-sent.
There's something to be said for nice old madras. (And there. I said it.)
Country Club WASPS are basically exempt from everything. This is why they get to wear Tomato-frappe colored chinos (preferably with little bitty golf clubs on them) and the rest of us don't. (I'm only 50% entitled to wear blue-blazers, therefore I can't.)
WASPS wear horrifying hats chiefly to draw the eye upward, away from their frightful trousers or their knobby or beefy knees in shorts.
They had better food at the ballgame! This steak still has marks on it from where the jockey was hitting it.
I want to be "people who sail!"
@cherri: I'm Christopher fucking Cross, daily. In my mind.
It's better (and cheaper) to be "people with close and generous friends who sail."
I want to be able to use sailing metaphors.
Technically, I'm someone with a father who sails, so I'm all set. So I can use sailing metaphors correctly! I know how to man the tiller, let out the jenny sheet, and the difference between coming about and jibing!
I would like to be on the boat NOW, is really my problem.
Note: this is the epitome of a first world problem. I get that.
There are two acceptable circumstances under which a man may wear shorts:
1. Engaging in an athletic activity.
2. At a (daytime) BBQ.
Maybe at your low brow chili-servin' barbecue, but if you've got any sort of mayonnaise-based dip, no shorts allowed.
Given that Balk's athletic activities are usually limited to competitive smoking, drinking, and emoting, I'm not sure shorts are actually appropriate.
Gold Bond was invented so men wouldn't have to wear shorts.
@blueprint, is miniature golf considered a sport.
fucking question mark
@deepomega
In my neck of the midwest, a "fancy" BBQ has burgers *and* brats. Mayo-based dips are far too cosmopolitan for these parts.
@roboloki
If you're participating in miniature golf, I'd argue that sartorial conundrums are the least of your concerns.
+
MANDALS.And their equally distasteful cousin, Manpris.
Are they pants? Are they shorts? Are they flattering on any man?
No. No. And...No.
oh i disagree. i once went on a date with a gent who showed up in manpris, and you would think they would be a ladyboner killer, but they weren't! the fact that he liked menz, that was a ladyboner killer though.
Out here in Necktopia, if a dude is going to make the effort to wear Manpris, he might as well just save himself an entire day of people staring at him and wear a dress.
i'd like to think real men wear manpris. and pink.
Only guy I knew who wore manpris joined the Navy Seals. So.
I bet he's excited for the DADT repeal.
@Goons: ROFFLE
The myth that gay men have some innate sense of what looks good on the body was debunked the moment one of them put on a pair of capris.
@Dr.Diz: I can point you in the direction of an elderly pair of Geighbors, down the street from me. Your chances of witnessing Mom-Jorts are a good 80% or more.
I dated a man once, yonder, who had the most strapping legs. I mean, like a sexy lean lumberjack. He had this single, magical pair of light colored, threadbare cutoff corduroy manpris (as I type this I realize how impossibly unlikely it sounds) and I long sigh just thinking about them.
I get a lot of shit from my coworkers for not ever wearing shorts. This is because I work with a bunch of low-class pixel jockeying nerds who think it is appropriate to wear shorts when it is over 45 degrees (all the time in LA).
University of Phoenix doesn't have a dress-code, Deep.
Yeah but I do. A portable dress code constantly in effect within a 25 foot radius of me. No shorts, no sandals, no anklets.
But if you're from New England, anytime it is over 45 degrees = summer.
@Deep: I'm on board with this code. Where can I buy my portable bad-taste incinerator?
Sorry, I've got to represent my cultural Floridian heritage.
Real men pull up their capri pants.
What the...?
Down where I live I have to constantly explain why I don't wear shorts. I am the only man I know whose entire collection of short pants is limited to swimwear, gymwear, and underwear. I have been told repeatedly by friends that this is something weird that makes no sense to anyone but me.
Seeing all of these "ew, of course not, why would a dude wear shorts?" is sort of a cross between this and this.
Are you saying that Falcor is beautiful on the inside?
I am saying it is like flying over a mystical land of the imagination on a dragon made of PURE WONDER AND JOY.
I'M WEARING SHORTS TODAY.
Balk must feel inadequate working for a super-cut child tennis prodigy.
Don't you mean more-so?
Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Asian men are only allowed to wear shorts during an Olympic Gymnastics Men's Freestyle Program. Back to the Pommel Horse buddy.
O Balk, save us from the plague of the cargo shorts/polo/flip-flop combo.
I second this emotion.
Seersucker shorts.
Blue blazer.
White polo, popped collar.
Sperry Topsiders.
Standard uniform of fratty assholes from days gone by. Yuck.
Rumor has it Awl biz manager / token Korean David Cho is rocking shorts today, but that he feels self-conscious because they are too short :/
like inner-lining of pockets below the cuff short?
*hyphen intentional
More like bikini-cut short.
pics or it didn't happen.
You Page Six guys, such rumormongers!
Is that a haiku or something?
Usually, I agree. Men should dress like adults. However, i relaxed the ban for myself because I ran out of clean clothes.
I would like to point out that I look really awesome in these banana-sling-like jogging shorts.
I where shorts all the time (and even tank tops) and I'm proud to say it (or at least no less proud about that than many other things).
as long as they aren't jorts. that's where i draw the line!
That is a perfectly reasonable line to draw.
Pussies, all. Real men wear short-shorts.
The all-too-real ones wear jorts.
All too awesome! Seriously, dudes in jorts on bikes are the only thing that make DC summer livable. Heat, humidity, and all the delicious toned man-legs you could want.
You are a good person to talk of such good things.
Name 3, and they cannot be on safari, swimming or participating in any other physical activity or Kicking it in some Tropical locale in the southern Hemisphere.
We at SUMMER OF MEGADETH approve of the turn this particular thread has taken.
I think I have an emergency pair of pants around here somewhere.
I'll wear short shorts later if I want to-- YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, BALK!
The best argument against Men In Shorts can be seen in the devastating documentary, Reno 9-1-1.
Plum smugglers.
I don't blame you Americans for hating on shorts for men, considering that it's practically impossible to find shorts worth wearing in this country (even in New York). Why does summer bring "cargo" into anyone's mind is completely beyond me. So, this is why every time I am in London or Barcelona this time of year, I make sure I bring some fashionable shorts back.
It's 31 degrees (Celsius) in sunny Montreal and I admit that I am wearing shorts. I'm not proud of it, but pants in this humid weather would be horrendous.
I have long searched for a fashionable (but equally practical) alternative to shorts, but have always come up...er, short. Fellow well-dressed Awl reader, please help. Does such an alternative exist, or am I condemned to always have to expose my dorky legs for the sake of being comfortable?
when the temperature tops 300 degrees (kelvin) i walk about wearing only a cock ring. i'm comfortable and i have not once heard anyone comment about my dorky legs. hope this helps.
hahahaha.
Can we add UPS drivers/deliverymen to this list?
fashionable (but equally practical) alternative to shorts = seersucker.
You're welcome.
@robo: *Call me
Thank you, sir. I was oblivious to seersucker's benefits, but the Wiki page makes fascinating reading. Here are some random facts:
- The word "seersucker" came into English from Hindi, which originates from the Persian words "shir o shekar," meaning "milk and sugar", probably from the resemblance of its smooth and rough stripes to the smooth surface of milk and bumpy texture of sugar.
- The fabric was originally worn by the poor in the U.S. until undergraduate students, in an air of reverse snobbery, began to wear the fabric.
- Seersucker was the choice for the summer service uniforms of the first female United States Marines.
- The US Senate holds a Seersucker Thursday in June, where the participants dress in traditionally Southern clothing.
Interesting, Atypique~ Thanks for the info. Another summer fabric is linen. Which is a actually a humble fabric, but -reverse snobbery too?- has definite connotations of class as well. In places like the old South, or colonial Indochina decades ago, a man wearing a white linen suit was saying 1. I don't work manually and 2. I have servants to keep this suit immaculate and wrinkle-free. A humble fabric, comfortable in humid climes, that is actually very high-maintenance. It wrinkles easily, and wearing all white is saying you only deign to venture to fastidiously clean places. Like Tom Wolfe.
I have a white linen suit. I may wear it to the Commenter's Bawl.
Additional Exemption: Men on Fire Island
Additional Prohibition: Shorts after dark for any and everyone.
I don't know, shorts are a little dressy for Fire Island.
Okay, enough. I can't take this any more. I have gone along with the mocking and the deriding of nice humanitarian men who wear shorts. By god, this aggression can't stand. I must listen to my conscience!
I cannot understand how ostensibly heterosexual women can pooh-pooh some compassionate guy throwing on some shorts and exposing his bare thighs. What is wrong with you people? Instead of gratefully acknowledging this sweet gift of naked man leg, you vilify these philanthropes? You mock these benefactors who're kind enough to showcase a little man-flesh for our viewing pleasure?
Has the whole world gone crazy?? I say bring on the manskimpy gear! Bring on the shorts and the jorts and the manskorts and the kilts and the croptops and the urban banana hammocks!!! Let freedom ring for male bodies! Down with the fascist oppression that keeps male bodies hidden away in shame and fear behind layers of heavy, superfluous fabric.
Let she who hath not sinned cast the first stone. Do not let these gentle bare-legged saints go unappreciated in their own time! Please, let them make all the vitamin D they need.
We are on the same wavelength here. Oh, shorts, with your gift of luscious man knee! From my eyes to my loins every damn time.
So, Wrappy, I take it that you're not opposed to the jaunty kilt?
Jorts, flapping heavily against barenaked man-knees, all bunchy from sweat and humidity are also a sexxxy type of thing.
Not at all, Uncky. And espesh not if we get a glimpse of the bagpipes.
Oh, lord. I want a playdate to sit outside of a coffee shop and watch men bike by.
As long as "bare-legged" does not also mean hairless, YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!
Signed. I am an admirer of men's legs, I enjoy seeing them. And agreeing with TerseNursePornstein, hairlessness is a turn-off (hyphen!), but too hairy is too. There's some median that I do find sexy- I know it when I see it.
my friend married a scot. he wore his kilt to the ceremony, and she wore mirrors on her shoes. naturally.
Additional Exemption: Richard Simmons.
Doesn't he wear hose under his shorts Hooters-style?
Um, if not... he should.
Fucking uptight British.
Guys, can we take up a collection to get Balk a nice pair of cutoffs? This post speaks in the embittered tones of a man with some serious thigh sweat problems.
Handy field guide in three parts
No Shorts for you
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/114/285856470_6b4b0e5236.jpg
Borderline
http://www.islandhemp.com/images/repository/mens%20boardshort%20group%20photo%20website.jpg
Carry on
http://media.onsugar.com/files/ons1/280/2807475/07_2009/c5/miami-swim-08_men-trend-09_short-shorts.jpg
Acceptable
http://www.4tnz.com/files/taylorjeans.jpg
I am noting a correlation between pectorals and your rating of these shorts' acceptability. I have a sneaking suspicion that neither of you is rating the shorts in question at all!
judging people based on their clothes!? What do you think I'm superficial!
Doc, It's not all about the pecs, the legs are important too.
http://tinyurl.com/348t72j
But you are judging clothes based on their people!
Precisely.
kitten, the gentleman on the right on your "carry on" example needs a little fashion help. i don't take issue with his shorts, but he should put on a shirt to cover up that HIDEOUS FUCKING KANJI tattoo.
Geez robo, judgmental much?
All you think about it surfaces.
All you think about is surfaces.
I still don't think that "It looks good on models" can be used to justify clothing choices for non-models.
{EDIT BUTTON!?}
and where did he put his eyes???
....er.... on third example, right-gentleman, with the "fucking Kanji tattoo"
had he not been wearing ed hardy shorts i don't think i would have been nearly as offended...i'm so shallow.
No, no. Ed Hardy sucks balls; and not in a good way.
Sorry robo I was not looking at the shorts. Judge away!
At boarding school, when the weather got balmy, some of my bros and I used to wear shorts+COAT AND TIE to our nightly seated dinner. The ladies tended to favor those horrible drop-waisted Laura Ashley dresses (1980s, yo) that made everyone who isn't a 17-year-old lacrosse player look like someone has surgically replaced their pubic bone with a hula hoop. But we were all beautiful back then...what was I saying?
I still get a lil' weak in the knees when I think of that particular combo.
I have a picture of me circa 1985 in one of those Laura Ashley dishcloths escorted by a young gentleman wearing white tie, tails, and Jams.
C_Webb: Brilliant.
Wait you mean like this?
Matt: IF ONLY. Oh no, my friend, it was so much smarmily worse in a J.Crew kind of way.
THAT HOLLISTER STORE IS EVIL.
EVERY HOLLISTER STORE IS EVIL.
Shorts are perfectly reasonable attire for men. Except. Men who whip their upper halves into magnificent shape but walk around on spindly matchsticks. That's just sloppy.
THANK YOU.
(Which is why, as long as we're claiming exemptions, every soccer player I've ever seen on Commercial Drive. Or anywhere else, really.)
Shorts help feature my really nice legs, and draw attention away from my puny chest. (otherwise I'd have to wear Clown Shoes).
Shorts help feature my really nice (unshaven!) legs,
and draw attention away from my puny chest.
(otherwise I'd have to wear Clown Shoes).
Untitled HD - I'll take a pair of finely formed, hairy legs over a magnificent chest, any day!
Nothing was really resolved here.
But we talked about thighs a lot, and that's nice.
thanks for debriefing the thread
Oh you...
I disagree! Just knowing that there are other people out there who don't wear shorts felt like resolution to me.
We ned this, after each Mormon discussion.
Or oil slick.
Next I would like a debate on whether colored shirts with white collars are acceptable*.
*(they are not)
From the Eighties? They are all in thrift stores now.
(which means you will be seeing them in soon, in Brooklyn))
Not tucked in.. (Unless tucking them in is now ironic).
With shorts.
because we just decreed today that You SHouldn't Wear Shorts.
I think my head will now explode.
Actually I have seen a businessman wearing this blue oxford dress shirt with white collar, like that Gordon Gekko movie. I drank, to forget.
Please don't say that they are BACK...
They are from hunger!
Wore shorts today for work. Doomed to an existence of douchebaggery followed by 72 mostly slutty ladies.
Boo. I bet you're one of these anti-sandal people, too, Balk. I firmly believe that everyone (particularly those of the hotter variety) should be as naked as possible at all times.
Balk, you have a much more serious problem developing in Chelsea, as I observed last week. That would the too small t-shirt, combined with plumber's crack and bvd's. And if the homos are doing it now, it's going to be hell next summer in Williamsburg.
and the deep v shirt! what gives with those? I can't get used to them on dudes.
You know who had some beautiful legs? John John. Yep, JFK Jr. was a law student at NYU when I was an undergrad there, and he never wore pants. Shorts all the time. He would come into the law school office where I had a part-time job and the ladies, they would swoon.
I am pro-shorts on men since even men who are a bit chubby tend to have terrific legs. And I like to see a little flesh, like Wrappy and 'Ness.