Thursday, July 8th, 2010
23

IRL Made Me Hate You

IRL? NO THANKS!Some people in life are nice. Or they're nice to me, and then really funny when they're mean to others. They compliment me on my clothes (or pull me aside, ever so gently, to tell me when a certain item needs to be retired from rotation). Some people, other people, are famous, in that way people are sometimes-mention their name when you're temping at an office, or around the Thanksgiving table and you'd get blank stares, but everyone that I care about impressing knows them. I die when I get a casual email from them-but seeing them around is even better!

But other people, people I once knew and loved, I have been forced to remove from my life-because real life made me hate them.

The real world-so uncomfortably, as I have discovered!-shows all too often how people are so funny and smart online but are then total jerks if you actually talk to them. I just go crazy sometimes with this real-world relationship stuff! It will be so much easier when people just use computers for everything. For now, I'm stuck with sometimes seeing these…. people, but I'm cutting them out as best I can.

Cutting people out of your real life isn't as clean or perfect as pressing a button. I wish! For instance, there was, let's call him "Jim Ponywatch," the guy in my book group who was always clearing his throat in the most annoying way. It was so uncomfortable when I reached my breaking point and asked him to stop coming to our meetings, especially since he'd brought the Emmenthaler that month.

Also it was pretty uncomfortable when the rest of the group kicked me out instead-the new David Mitchell is pretty hard to read alone!-but it's pretty thoughtful that "Jim" crosses the street when he sees me. So I don't have to hear that raspy cough anymore.

Gosh, I hate to call him out in this passive aggressive way but I have to do it online, because I'll never see him in person again!

You know what? Everyone is such an asshole! Why is everyone such an asshole? It makes things really difficult; life takes a lot of focus for me now. I signed up for a FreshDirect account I didn't need to get away from the produce guy who I think leered at me that time.

And my former college roommate (and former friend, ha ha!) "Beth" just can't stop calling me to talk as I'm getting ready to do something really important, so then I have to deal with that for an hour before I can move forward-or at least, I HAD to, until I decided to stop taking her calls. Doesn't she understand I have a life outside talking to her?

And all those cousins who talk about how they're not pregnant yet but they're "having fun trying," or people who check out back issues of People from the public library, and the last guy I slept with, who had a DVD of Full Metal Jacket on his bedside table and asked me if I wanted to watch it with him. I just have to keep my blinders up, all the time. Monsters, everywhere.

Then there was my brother, "Spike," who's constantly talking about things that are just so boring-his work, his cooking class. He's innocuous over email and in chat but really, such a jerk in real life. So self-absorbed. Just because I work from home doesn't make me less of a person, you know? To say nothing of the fact that he likes the Black Eyed Peas. I had to stop going to family events so I wouldn't have to deal with his stream of vacuous nonsense.

But I think I've found a good replacement-this guy I met at the post office when he was getting The New Criterion out of a P.O. Box. We haven't talked yet, but I bet he has a lot of good stuff to say. I bet he's a good listener, too.



Dan D'Addario is one step ahead of you.

23 Comments / Post A Comment

KarenUhOh (#19)

I think about the poor people in this world who can't type at all, and so can't type their true feelings; or worse yet, have no thumbs (good for you, Alex Balk!!).

I wonder how they can even get up in the morning, when there's no way they can text to explain what night was really like for them.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

I like salad.

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

What the hell.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Everybody likes me, when I'm drunk.

…right?

Last time someone started following me, I called a cop.

garge (#736)

I don't know how I tolerated it before, but some people have just the most disgusting skin. Sometimes it is too thin and papery and you can see through below to veins, which makes me throw up, but other times it is opaque and you can't see any evidence of what lies beneath. Like, what are you hiding?

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

Calcium. Stress.

"Bear in mind closely that I did not see any actual visual horror at the end. To say that a mental shock was the cause of what I inferred … is to ignore the plainest facts of my final experience. Notwithstanding the deep things I saw and heard, and the admitted vividness the impression produced on me by these things, I cannot prove even now whether I was right or wrong in my hideous inference."

Art Yucko (#1,321)

…um, the fact that I'm undead? When I bite your neck and suck all the (O-Negative?) out of you, then you'll know how it feels. Skinnist.

deepomega (#1,720)

You ever see Terminator 2? Yeah, that.

johnpseudonym (#1,452)

Everybody Loves You When You're Dead ~ The Stranglers

HiredGoons (#603)

The inverse of your theory means you must be smart and funny in real life.

Tablefornone (#3,264)

Damn, you beat me to it.

bb (#295)

now that is just mean.
but also, this piece is silly: do we all have to read other ("stupid"?) blogs in order to "get" stuff on the Awl?

deepomega (#1,720)

Yes. You do. TheAwl is a multiliterary extravaganza.

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

Humor in tiers.

Aloysius (#1,808)

Yeah I hate just throwing tomatoes or whatever but it wasn't really worth getting through the unpleasantness of this post just to realize that it's making fun of another post that really wasn't that bad to begin with.

ericdeamer (#945)

It was a poor attempt at a parody of a Doree Shafrir post that I agree wasn't that bad to begin with. It's not like that first post caused some huge stir or controversy or was very well known so it was weird that it wasn't linked until the end.

MikeBarthel (#1,884)

This is why I follow the social protocol "don't cross the streams."

My ex-gf is facebook friends with my sister. She keeps calling and saying how long it's been since we talked, and we should really reconnect. And I know the only thing she really wants to talk about is her new baby.

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

I will forcibly remove you from my real life if you cannot monologue in the present tense about the new National record and how it explicitly relates to the last time you drove east on an empty highway with only your cigarettes and your freedom.

A.R. Chrisman (#2,964)

Wait. This article was a joke? But… I agreed with the whole thing. =(

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