Summer of Death: The Next Chapter
To: Staff
From: Alex Balk
Re: Seasonal Demises
The passings this weekend of former child star Gary Coleman and actor/director/Ameriprise pitchman Dennis Hopper have resulted in pressure from both internal and external sources for this organization to reassert its hold on the phrase "Summer of Death," an appellation first bestowed by the site early last July. There are obvious arguments for why we should insist upon our claim over the expression, not least of which being the fact that those sonsofbitches in the rest of the media will happily steal it from us without giving it a second thought. Also, two famous people died.
However, after serious reflection we have decided, particularly given the earliness of the season and the not exactly shocking identities of the two deceased in question-Hopper was dying for months-that it would be prudent at this juncture to refrain from making such an assertion. It is barely June yet, and while our actuaries have forecast a fairly robust summer of celebrity expiration, they advise that we remain in a "hold" position until at least three more C-listers under the age of 70, or two more B-listers no older than 65, or one A-lister of any vintage, make the final journey into the unknown.
Also, we're still looking for a snappy title. I'm partial to "Summer of Death 2" (tagline: "Death never takes a vacation"), "Again With The Summer Of Death," or "Summer of Death: Deathsummer 2010," but am open to suggestions. More on this subject as appropriate.
Oh, btw, happy summer, gang! Let's make the most of it.
Best, etc.,
SUMMER OF DEATH 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
(Sorry. So obvious and hacky, I know.)
Summer of Death 2: The Embiggening
Summer of Death 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Not hacky; the best and obvious title for ANY sequel.
Meet Joe Black 2
Summer of Death 2: Death Strikes Back
Summer of Death, Part Die
Still made me laugh!
I cannot possibly at all think of a suggestion for a new title. Nope, nothing you already have a tag for or anything.
Also, Louise Bourgeois gets no love?? Are you ARACHNOPHOBIC?!?!?
Right??? I mean, I'm very sorry that Gary Coleman died, and I have only sympathy for his family, but I don't think he was about to make me reimagine the shape of my own body, unlike certain nonagenarians I could name.
It's scheduled for later in the day, I believe.
-AHEM.- We're still waiting for The Awl's HOW TO DIE A FUCKING DEATH
2 Summer and 2 Death Too
Summer of Death 2: I Still Know What You Died Last Summer
Aww.. I was going to suggest "I Know What You Did Last Summer. Died!"
When A Summer Calls (Back)
THE SUMMER IS CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.
SOD2: Every Which Way But Alive
It's not happening until I see merchandising.
Yes, so hacky (cough): http://bit.ly/dqH2Ca
That was supposed to be in response to Jolie's comment. Oh, WordPress, how I want to both throttle and hump your leg.
Dead and Deaderer: Summer Vacation
Scream 4?
Necroni Season
Dead and Stormy
Corpse Reviver
…. and introducing The River Pheonix!
@lnd: yes!
Weekend at Reapers.
Whutchu Deathin' Bout, Dennis?!
You should try to go long when the stats break the 31.8% Fibonacci retracement (should be at around 28 deaths).
I will personally wait for Goldman to issue a buy or sell recommendation, and then execute the opposite.
Ghostbusters
Reap'd
or
Reap'd! (if you'd prefer to set it to music)
I can imagine the trailer now, and it's exactly everything I wished Will Smith's "I Am Legend" to be.
Art Linkletter's Revenge – because YOU FORGOT THAT KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS!
Summer of Death 2: We're Franchising This Bitch
I'm partial to "The Culling."
National Lampoon's Embalmed Vacation
Randy Quaid is available.
SOD- Palm trees and pall bearers
This Summer is Buryin' Mad?
Now that Louise Bourgeois and Andrei Voznesensky died too, you could do some sort of "Summer of Death of Extremely Talented People Who Were Old But Nevertheless It's Actually Kind of Sad, Actually."
SOD2 in 3-D: Because when you least expect it, there it is. In three dimensions. The Revenge.
SoD: Port of Call: Hollywood
[because it's not actually a sequel it's just, you know, a Summer full of celebrity death. Entirely coincidentally]
Summer of Death: Todd Bridges Better Watch His Back
Bridges is fine. Burt Reynolds, on the other hand, will probably not see another September.
From your lips to God's ear. Death to Turd Ferguson!
BURT REYNOLDS WILL LIVE ON FOREVER, JUST LIKE THAT USFL TEAM HE OWNED.
Burt's as indestructible as a cockroach in a toupee.
Return To The Summer of Death
Summer of Death 2: The Redeathening
SOD: The Mortician Always Rings Twice
Summer of Death: Stars On Ice
DeadSummer II: Cold as ICE
@Art: I Know Who You ICED Last Summer, Bro
Iced2Death II: Summer SMIRNOFF COMES A-KNOCKIN'
Summer of Death 2: The Return of the Summer of Death
Summer of Death Reloaded (next year can be Summer of Death Revelations)
EA Sports Summer of Death 2010: Die Slow
Yeah, but you have to remember the EA Sports Summer of Death Curse. Harry Dean Stanton was on the cover for twenty years and he's still kicking.
I hear they're putting Donovan McNabb on this year's cover.
I'd be more upset if the Eagles didn't trade him within the division.
Summer of Death 2: This Time It's Personal
(500) Deaths of Summer
Beach Blanket Seventh Seal
Untitled John Landis Project
Summer of Death: The Right Snuff
SOD2: More Bitches Up An' Died
This made me hork and a coworker leaned in and cocked an eyebrow. I shot her a bitchface and she cowered. O, the evil that you cause, scrolly.
@bookish: I live to serv u.
@scrolly: you live to serve me riot gimp.
http://www.theawl.com/2010/06/good-thing-happens-in-new-orleans#comment-104313
@STC- looks like my W2s are going to be increasing, then.
Summer of Death 2: The Croakquel
Scene 1: A shot-by-shot reenactment of the opening title to THE STAND, with "Don't Fear The Reaper" sped up for humorous effect.
Summer of Death: Preferred Alternative to I-95 on Weekends
Last Summer 2 Party: Rollin' Up Into Forest Lawn
Club Dead
So what you're saying Balk is that we should start killing celebrities now?
TV special- SOD2: Cremating With The Stars
Thirty more Deaths and a BABY
Four Weddings and an ENTIRE SUMMER OF DEATHS
The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and THIS SUMMER
Summer of Death II: Final Deathstination
Diff'rent Croaks
Summer of Death FOREVER: It's always Summer, somewhere.
Citzen Bane
The Summer Trilogy by Krzysztof Korpselowski:
-Red
-White
-Death
Summer of Death II: It's Like the Matrix
Wishful thinking: SOD2- the Kardashian Edition
On a related note: if Michael Jackson remade his "Thriller" video today he would require little to no makeup.
But probably some sort of wired Marionette system.
Summer of Death 2: Die Harder
Has the advantage of familiarity?
The bad guy in Die Hard 2 was Death in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. It's time to complete the trilogy of kickass sequels about death and dying (harder) featuring William Sadler.
Don't be a Reaper to Hollywood While You're Drinking Your Kool-Aid in the Grave.
Billy Milano takes offense to you people shortening this phrase to SOD.
SOD2: Prince of Persia
SOD2: Return of the 5 Day Work Week
Summer of Death: Dead Man's Death
Are We Dead Yet?
Daddy Slay Camp
Heaven Almighty
Escape From L.A.
SOD: The Redeathening.
Dog Days of Demise…? Meh.
Perhaps we're low balling our potential? I don't think we should rest until "summer" is being used as a verb synonymous with "to die." (e.g. I don't care how it happens as long as I don't summer from auto-erotic asphyxiation–or in Wisconsin.)
Thanks for killing Rue, fuckers!