Summer of Death, June 21-September 22
There are about five hours left until the end of the Summer of Death (TM symbol goes here!), so this may be my last chance to fulminate about how Big Media continues its campaign to deny me credit for coining the phrase.
This weekend the AP played its part in this sickening conspiracy, noting that during this season of mortality, "The phrase 'summer of death' popped up, perhaps first used by New York magazine, which cheekily claimed the trademark." [Italics mine, but only because there has yet to be invented a kind of stylizing which accurately displays the anger and contempt I feel when reading that misattribution.] Screw you, AP! Screw you, New York! Me me me Alex Balk me I created "Summer of Death"!
Also, note the picture above, which we posted on the day the legendary phrase was coined: It seems so empty now. Who knew that there would be so much death this summer? Oh, right, ME. Anyway, you had a good run, Summer of Death. Nice try with Robert Byrd, but you can't win them all. Still, it was indeed a heck of a summer. Of death. (Credit: Alex Balk.) I hope you're confident and serene when you hand over the scythe to Autumn this evening.
Wouldn't it be so awesome? If there were a Fall of Death? And it made us all live forever because it was the fall of DEATH?
Death's not gonna fall for that one, nice try.
Ye are messing with powers ye not understande!
"That is not dead which can eternal lie
And with strange eons death itself may die"
What with your sickness, the Summer of Death could end … with you! But it won't because Death? She just doesn't get irony.
Bonus reel: Death explains how to use a condom.
TAGS: FOOT STOMP POUT WAAAAH, ONLY ONE OF THE MANY TRAGEDIES THAT BEFALL BALK, EVERYBODY DIES, GIVING CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE, THE SUMMER OF BALK'S DISCONTENT
ANGRY ITALICS, YOU SHOULD VOMIT IN A BAG AND SEND IT TO THE AP WITH YOUR BEST WISHES, FUCK NEW YORK MAGAZINE
That would be unsubtle.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO WRITE A BOOK WITH THE BRACKETED TEXT IN THIS POST AS THE TITLE, DO YOU THINK THE WHOLE CARTILAGE HEAD ARC WAS ONSTAD'S REACTION TO THE SUMMER OF DEATH?, OH RIGHT ME
THE SUBTLETIES OF ALEX BALK, THIS IS COMING FROM A MAN WHO WRITES FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF HIS COCK YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, ABSOLUTELY I INTEND TO DO THIS ALL DAY, MATT PLEASE WRITE THIS INTO OUR BOOK PROPOSAL
COLD SCYTHE OF DEATH, OUR BOOK WILL NOW JUST BE A COLLECTION OF BALK AND CHOIRE TAGS GOING BACK TO GAWKER SOME REAL AND SOME MADE UP BY US
Why you gotta do in a thing?
BOOKS THAT ARE SURE TO BE BEST-SELLERS, WHERE'S BALK'S BOOK DEAL ALREADY?, VAST EMPTYNESS, SO MUCH DEATH
YES, Joles! Just the other day I was mentioning how Balk's tags are the next great blog-to-book deal. Let's make this happen, people.
Also, the Summer of Death better stop wearing Death pants after Labor Day, because Mr. Blackwell will totally tear it a new… oh, right. He's dead, too.
Um, I guess… carry on, then?
You can start using Autumnal Demises 2009.
What is Billy Mays saying that is so funny? Ed looks so happy.
Billy Mays was not included in the Emmys death reel and that is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I don't know what the final score is but I know we won!
You need a publicist and you need to get yourself on shows like Red Eye (does that still exist?) etc. to fulminate and point accusatory fingers (generally, the two index fingers are the accusatory fingers). Do it!
Photo credit please. Am hoping to obtain a hi-res copy to have thermographed onto a coffee mug, for my Autumn hot cider.
The art on that was done by the great Todd Grantham.
I think I just emailed a football player. A first for this week–
Those cheeky bastards at New York. Always with the cheekiness!
I'm gonna write a book called:
"Cheek:
It's Brash, It's Impertinent, and It's Ruining Our Family Dinnertime Conversation"
The week of flu-related discomfort is still in progress!
Fall of Malaise.
Looks like everyone's got it. Byrd fall= Death FAIL.
Looks like Jaclyn Smith tried to end the summer with a bang.
Juuuuust a friendly reminder that Autumn of Anguishâ„¢ and Winter of Woeâ„¢: both mine mine mine. M'kay?
Why is this important? YOU'LL SEE